David: "If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny."

David: "Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself."

David: "I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic."

David: "I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh."

David: "I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed."

David: "Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over."

David: "I don't have many friends."

David: "When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that."

David: "I don't like people cleaning my room."

David: "There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation."

David: "I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people."

David: "Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens."

David: "Most people think I'm immodest."

David: "I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it."

David: "I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself."

David: "When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless."

David: "I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood."

David: "I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation."

David: "Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough."

David: "There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out."

David: "Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish."

David: "I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am."

David: "I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out."