Kimmel: "When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended."

Kimmel: "When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'"

Kimmel: "Almost every week, someone's mad at me."

Kimmel: "The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it."

Kimmel: "People's lives are boring."

Kimmel: "I'm always looking to the next thing. There are always hurdles, whether it's the White House dinner or hosting charity events or that night's show: Until they're over, I worry, then I move right on to the next thing. It's hard for me to enjoy the moment. I'm just thinking about not failing."

Kimmel: "If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted."

Kimmel: "I try hard not to repeat myself and not to do material other people are doing. We transcribe every other late-night show to make sure there's no similarity."

Kimmel: "That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't."

Kimmel: "I definitely feel pressure to keep slim. I don't want to be the guy who lost weight and gained it all back. But it's hard. Sometimes I'll gorge and gain nine pounds in a weekend somehow, and I get bummed about it."

Kimmel: "I don't eat two days a week. And people are fascinated by it, but it works. If you cut two days of food out of your life you will lose weight."

Kimmel: "If you want to do a talk show on network television, you're probably going to wind up having a desk and a band, wearing a suit, and having a sidekick. Audiences want to feel comfortable."

Kimmel: "I don't really need to be dirty to be funny."

Kimmel: "On Monday and Thursday, I eat fewer than 500 calories a day; then I eat like a pig for the other five days. You 'surprise' the body: keep it guessing. I got the idea from a BBC documentary about this Indian man who seemed about 138 years old and said his secret was severe calorie restriction."

Kimmel: "I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting."

Kimmel: "Almost half our representatives in Washington apparently know more about science than our scientists. Or they pretend to, because big corporations give them a lot of money to make sure they can keep doing the destructive things that they do."

Kimmel: "I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week."

Kimmel: "I do have a treadmill desk in my office, and for a while, I would walk on it while checking email and going through jokes. I haven't walked on it in probably four months. Now it's more of an upright dining table for me. At some point, moss will grow over it, birds will build nests, and nature will reclaim the treadmill as its own."

Kimmel: "I describe myself as a human being."