The "Benefit" of Doubt

Date published: 15th June, 2023

Women at work | Life experiences

Recently, I listened to a podcast on how women are not taken seriously (at work), how they are not trusted with decisions and how their capabilities of being in powerful roles are doubted. It made me walk down my memory lane and ponder upon the instances were I could have and had have experienced these "perks" of being a woman. 

Fortunately, at the place of my work, I have never been once doubted on my ability to produce quality work because I am a woman. My voice was always heard and appreciated, and never downplayed. I believe that this is because of all the women who came before me, from my mentor to my co-joiners, who did exceptionally well, who shred tears and sweat to make their voices heard, to prove their worth, making space for the women to come. They all have a space of their own in the firm that I work for, and I am more than glad to have shared a space with them.

The case hasn't been the same during my schooling. From an eagle's view, one might say that it was all well and good. But it was all in the details - the tiny details that show you the dirt. Ten years might have blurred my memories but there are a few that are still etched in my mind that just wouldn't heal.

In my school, every year, a boy and a girl are chosen from the 11th grade as school leaders. As far as I know, at least until the year I graduated, the boy was always titled the school leader while the girl was always the "assistant" school leader. In my year, I was the chosen girl and no offense to my co-leader, who happens to be a good friend, I was in no way "assisting" him. In fact, I have performed more duties, ran more errands, delivered more speeches, and confronted more dilemmas than him, during our tenure. Back in that time, I wasn't bothered much by this as I knew (or had accepted) that this was how it was supposed to be. Now, please don't come telling me that it is because of the difference in physical capabilities between the genders. Which school expects their student leaders to lift heavy objects and show their physical dominance? (Well, if it comes to that, I was strong too.)

One of the responsibilities of the school leader was to lead the school assemblies. It's more or less to shout the commands out loud and clear in front of the entire school gathering. All the other organizing were to be done by the assistant school leader and the student councilors.

On the day of an assembly, my co-leader was absent and the custom says that the assembly shall be lead by the assistant school leader. I was all nervous and shaky as I have never done this before. I was innately shy and wasn't confident myself whether I could do this. But I was mentally getting prepared to confront this. A teacher (who also happens to be a woman) came to me and asked, quite rudely, "Can you do this properly? Do I need to ask ~a boy's name~ to do this for you?"

Ok. That triggered me. No matter how afraid I was, no matter how unconfident I was, I couldn't accept this as I am this proud kid who wouldn't give up, especially to comments like these. I said, "No, I can do this." And that assembly marked the beginning of the series of countless assemblies that I have lead, by juggling the duties of both the leaders, simultaneously. I might not have been perfect, but I wasn't any less than any boy in that school.

At that time, I felt bad because I thought she was questioning my capability to lead the assembly but now when I think about it, she was questioning the capability of a woman to take that role. Otherwise, why wouldn't she mention another girl's name? Let me tell you, my class had a bunch of seriously talented young women who could effortlessly take on this role.

Recently, my best of kin made a remark. He was looking at car pooling options and told me, "I am afraid this driver might drop me off at some unknown location." I was surprised to hear this. On further enquiry, he said that the driver (a woman) has only done car pooling a few times. Hmm.. I asked him, "Did you make that comment because of the less number of experiences the driver had or because the driver is a woman?". I am quite sure that the latter had a subconscious, yet stereotypical bias in his thought process. And then he said, "Ohh.. your feminichi mode got triggered!" Of course, it did. I myself might not be a great driver (that's another story) but I have seen excellent female drivers, confidently driving vehicles of all sizes. So, of course, the feminichi in me would get triggered to such remarks.

One might think of these as silly incidents. But they are not, at least for me. If my decade old encounter with that teacher comes to my mind every time I think of my alma mater (where I schooled for more than six years), if every female driver reminds me of the remark made by my friend, and if all those innumerable patriarchal questionings flash before my eyes whenever I think of my capabilities, it should be clear that none of these were silly to me. All these affect people in ways unimaginable to the inflictor. Small remarks and actions like these follow people to their grave. Not everybody can turn such situations into their favor.

I come from a family where women far outnumbers men. We definitely had and still have some remains of patriarchal beliefs but the women in the family are as strong as you could ever imagine. They have done the "undoable" and sailed the "un-sailable" winds. I have also had the opportunity to have met some wonderful women whose capabilities are beyond measure. I am only a page from the book they are.

I tried so hard to write a conclusion to this thread but none came to me. I could write how you shouldn't be advocating distrust on a woman or how you should be impartial and keep aside all the stereotypical gender biases. I could write essays on how very wrong all that are. But I won't. I am no one to say that you are wrong because I was wrong once, and I still might be wrong about certain other things. I am only unlearning my wrongs. You can too.

And to all the women (or anyone) who are doubted in your capabilities, who are not trusted with decisions, shout louder. Carry your thunder wherever you go.

The podcast mentioned is How to Manage: Being Taken Seriously on HBR's Women at Work.