A Message for All Bottom-of-the-Barrel Devotees
Krsna Dasa
If you're like me, you look around in ISKCON sometimes with awe and reverence and other times with resentment, self-pity, sadness, hopelessness, indifference, resignation and cynicism.
In this 5 minute read I want to address self esteem and share some good news for all fellow struggling devotees.
According to Pia Mellody, self esteem is the inner knowing of the following:
That I am valuable amidst my humanity (imperfection)
I came into the world with everything I needed
Noone is better or less than I am
If you have read any of Prabhupadas books you will have come across the four defects of a conditioned soul. Note that these are conditions placed upon us. They are not inherent and mean nothing to our worth. They don't point to us being bad or wrong. That we are not perfect is very normal. That we feel frustrated and down about our imperfection is a sign that we are originally perfect - Nitya siddha Krsna prema.
We came into this world with all we needed. We are enough. When we fell from the spiritual world God sent along with us all the faculties we needed to attain to our original perfectional state. He also designed the whole material world like a trampoline that would propel us back.
We may be fall really hard and touch the ground beneath but the laws that govern trampolines will eventually act to spring us up.
Let's condense the 3 that you are unconditionally loved by Krsna.
This should be our pilot light. (a small gas burner kept alight permanently to light a larger burner when needed, especially on a gas cooker or boiler.)
The gas for this pilot is successful infancy. Infancy, according to Eric Erikson's theory of ages and stages is all about figuring out if you're worthy of care)
For those who didn't have such success, spiritual knowledge can also produce self-esteem.
Many join the sankirtan movement because devotees are friendly and warm.
But what if your low self esteem gave you a pattern of rejecting this warmth?
What if you're attached to your self hatred and you conspire against your self to sabotage your bhakti yoga (loving connection with God) ?
What if you're bent on failure as a way of being and you take shelter of self pity because it has always positioned you better for comfort which seems to solve you're biggest problem which is feeling like crap?
What if you are so lazy and lethargic that you cant even get up before 7 to chant your rounds, you cant chant in one go because distraction is life and boredom or restlessness plague your attempts at sadhana and push into the pit of mundane socializing online or offline?
What if your feelings of self pity are so loud in your head that you want to kill yourself or just use the drug that has always numbed that pain so you do it and it genuinely works for the time being so you just make a lifestyle out of it?
What if you feel unhelpable you're convinced that its true because no one has been able to help you?
What if you're existential pain stops you from being able to keep your commitments to others what to speak of yourself?
What if you just cant with serial Prabhupada books?
What if gaming is life?
What if porn is better than life to you?
What if the only service you can get into is prasad?
What if steadiness eludes you and you cant even keep a one month long commitment on the first day?
What if you hate most devotees?
What if most devotees hate you? Or at least seem to?
What if you have a reputation that makes you feel isolated, abandoned, outcaste or alienated from your community?
What if you're sick and no one cares?
What if you cant help being a jerk?
What if you have nothing to offer ISKCON?
What if you are a loser spiritually and materially?
What if you are you were abused as a child?
What if you were abused in ISKCON?
The answer to all these questions is going to seem very basic to you and you will dismiss it if you're like me.
We are not these bodies or minds.
We are parts and parcels of a God Who loves us unconditionally.
Solace from these ailments which pertain to the body and mind can be experienced by being present with the holy name and hearing from a realised devotee like Srila Prabhupada and His representatives.
There is a recipe for success in any field and this is the recipe for feeling whole and complete and experiencing Krsnas unconditional love.
Part of having a low self estimation of self is thinking you're not worth anyone investment including your own.
Rupa Goswami stated some how or other engage the mind in devotional service.
That means who ever you are and where ever you are just do the next right thing. Take each day at a time and follow the process as best you can
Try to catch the essence of this transcription. Even remember the verses!
761008 - Lecture SB 01.07.51-52 - Vrndavana
So don't consider that Kṛṣṇa, because He has come, appeared in Vṛndāvana like a cowherd boy, never think... Of course, the Vṛndāvana-vāsī, they do not know what is Kṛṣṇa. They are villagers. They do not know. But they do not love anyone more than Kṛṣṇa. That is their qualification. They do not know even Viṣṇu. When the gopīs saw viṣṇu-mūrti - Kṛṣṇa assumed the viṣṇu-mūrti, they were passing - they said, "Oh, here is Viṣṇu. All right. Namaskāra." They were not interested even with Viṣṇu. They were interested with Kṛṣṇa, although they do not know that Kṛṣṇa is the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Similarly, if, without knowing what is Kṛṣṇa, if you simply become attached to Kṛṣṇa, then your life is successful. Simply, somehow or other, you become attached to Kṛṣṇa. Mayy āsakta-manāḥ pārtha yogaṁ yuñjan mad-āśrayaḥ... (break) ...yathā jñāsyasi tac chṛṇu (BG 7.1). Simply you have to... This is Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement. Somehow or other, you increase your attachment for Kṛṣṇa. Some way or other. Yena tena prakāreṇa manaḥ kṛṣṇe niveśayet (Bhakti-rasāmṛta-sindhu 1.2.4). This is Rūpa Gosvāmī's instruction. Somehow or other, you become attached to Kṛṣṇa. Then your life is successful.
So this Kṛṣṇa consciousness movement is trying to induce people how to become attached to Kṛṣṇa. That is bhakti-yoga. Yena tena prakāreṇa manaḥ kṛṣṇe niveśayet. Then? Vidhi-niṣedhāḥ. There are so many rules and regulations for bhakti-yoga. Yes, there are. And Rūpa Gosvāmī says, sarve vidhi-niṣedhāḥ syur etayor eva kiṅkarāḥ (Padma Purāṇa, Bṛhat-sahasra-nāma-stotra). Some way or other, if you become attached to Kṛṣṇa, then all the vidhis and regulative principles and rules and regulations, they will act as your servant. They will automatically (indistinct). Because as soon as you become attached to Kṛṣṇa, Kṛṣṇa said, kṣipraṁ bhavati dharmātmā.
kṣipraṁ bhavati dharmātmā
śaśvac-chāntiṁ nigacchati
kaunteya pratijānīhi
na me bhaktaḥ praṇaśyati
(BG 9.31)
Kṣipram, very soon. Api cet su-durācāro bhajate mām ananya-bhāk sādhur eva sa mantavyaḥ (BG 9.30).
Don't think that these Europeans or Americans, they are mlecchas and yavanas. That is aparādha, offense. Because they are sādhu. They do not know... They have accepted Kṛṣṇa without any hodgepodge understanding, that "This is also good, this is also good, this is also good." They are strictly following the instruction of their spiritual master. Kṛṣṇas tu bhagavān svayam (SB 1.3.28). Even a small child in our association, Śyāmasundara's daughter, she would go to somebody—she was only five years old—she would ask, "Do you know Kṛṣṇa?" So somebody said, "No, I do not know." "Oh, Supreme Personality of Godhead." She would preach like that. So they are convinced, kṛṣṇas tu bhagavān svayam. This conviction is the foremost quality. Then other things will follow. Sarve vidhi-niṣedhāḥ syur etayor eva kiṅkarāḥ. So if one is simply convinced on this point, that kṛṣṇas tu bhagavān svayam, and he does like that, follows the principle, kṛṣṇaika-śaraṇam, (indistinct), varṇāśrama-dharma. Kṛṣṇaika-śaraṇam. That is wanted. Mām ekaṁ śaraṇaṁ vraja (BG 18.66). So do that. Stick to this principle, that Kṛṣṇa is the Supreme Personality of Godhead, Kṛṣṇa is para-tattva, the Absolute Truth, and Kṛṣṇa is all-pervading. Mayā tatam idaṁ sarvam (BG 9.4). Kṛṣṇa is everywhere. Jagad avyakta-mūrtinā. This avyakta. The Kṛṣṇa's potency is everywhere.
Always remember that Krsna loves you unconditionally and you should let Him hold you for the rest of eternity.
Whatever that looks like for you do it. As Prabhupada repeats so many times above "some how or other" So some how let us do bhakti. If youre an artist than use your talent for Krsna.
Rupa Goswami is our leader and he is saying never mind what the vehicle, just get in a vehicle and go home. Let the above verses quoted by Srila Prabhupada guide you in your self expression in Krsna consciusness. Make them your map or paradigm that you follow while driving whatever vehicle youre driving back home, back to Godhead.
Love,
Krsna das