To fail a course for the first time

During my Bachelor's, Pre-Master's and Master's degrees in Mechanical Engineering I was fortunate enough to have never participated in a resit for coursework. While the exact reason is unknown, I think the main reason was that I intuitively understood what engineering was about in combination with above-average mathematical skills. Added to this was the external motivation of reaching the status of Cum Laude for having no resits and having an average grade of at least an 8 on a 1-to-10 scale. All of a sudden there is a perfect cocktail for anxiety; knowing that you can achieve the things the 'other' expects you to perform.

The expectation of the other is not something that is formed by the people that are the closest to me but rather by the institutional setting of a society and university where the motto more often than not is to perform or to perish, at least if you want to accomplish something magnificent. While I, of course, tried to ignore these callings from the other by stating that the result of this test should not matter, that there is always a resit and that there are plenty of other ways to show that you can perform, other than Cum Laude, I could never let go of the expectations of the other. 

Even when switching to my new Master's programme Philosophy of Science, Technology and Society (PSTS), these expectations did not go away. After reading the Education and Examination Regulation (EER or in Dutch OER) I started to feel nervous again in three parts, all of them are grade dependent: (1) there was a Cum Laude regulation, (2) accessing an honours programme required me to be among the "top 10% of my class" and (3) participating in the PSTS 4TU Ethics Track required high average grades (7.5+) for the courses that are considered the hardest of the programme. To be clear, grades are not the only way to get into these programmes and get these distinctions, but my point is that the first way to get in is grade-based. 

During the first six months I did manage to pass all the courses and receive an average grade of 7.5 for all courses even though doing PSTS was outside of my comfort zone. This reified the notion that I can do it, and that the expectations of the other are not some sort of impossible target to reach. This, of course, kept fuelling the anxiety induced by the institutional setting I was in.

It was only after failing my first course during the third quarter that I could finally let go of the expectations of the other. In the end, I am relieved that I failed the course. I finally stopped satisfying the EER and started to satisfy my own curiosity and interests, which has made studying more enjoyable