There are lots of relationship models out there, all with similar messages and stages. Many people believe in fairy tales, Which one was your favorite? What does that tell you about you and your romantic expectations? Many people also believe that if you meet the right person and fall in love, you are meant to be with this person. That there will not be anything you will ever want to change about them. That it should just work out. Err, nope, rare if ever.
Knowledge can be a great thing and a curse, too. It’s what we do with the knowledge that matters. Knowing things are natural, common, likely, can lessen impact at times however, we aren't all as different or as special as we hope we are.
Are stages relevant to us? Yep, we are human and if we are in relationships with anyone or manyone, then yep again. (When I say we, too in this writing, it is often because relationships happen between two, even in poly situations, it is about each person’s part, so two plus one is also always one plus one and one plus one and two plus one and one plus two. Cover all aspects. As even with seven partners they are also made up of the one plus one times as such.)
Not all relationships are the same, as no human is. Culture, upbringing, and experience impact how we see relationships, how we prophesize them and our communication skills. Stages of relationships still occur. All these things can be influenced and be changed however you must want to. Often, people come into therapy way too late. I see couples, polycules and Ds/kink relationships regularly and often it is late into the issues. At the point you google “when should you go for therapy” you inevitably end up with this type of list:
Trust has been broken.
Arguments are getting more frequent.
Communication is poor.
Something definitely feels wrong, but you're not sure what or why.
There is something you want your partner to know, but you've been unable to tell them.
One or both of you becomes dysfunctional during a conflict.
You have gone through something devastating that is changing the way you connect with each other.
You feel stuck in bad patterns.
Emotional intimacy is gone or deeply diminished.
Physical intimacy is a problem."
Sheesh, at this point you wonder “Is it too late for us?”
However, as I said stages happen regardless. I used the word progress, like many models, principles, stages and phases are interchangeable. Length and duration also vary, but there are patterns.
· some people never 'progress' through stages for various reasons,
· some people avoid relationships completely to try and stay in one stage.
· others may even label themselves as something to avoid commitment, conflict, and vulnerability.
The attraction, flirting, infatuation, puppy love, romance, lust, meeting of minds, limerence, fantasy, honeymoon, soul mate stage - This is reported to Last approximately 2-24 months. Some also refer to it as an altered state of consciousness because we really are blinded by love.
Most people experience this, not all. It is never all, all of the time, but it is part, some or most of the time. Polycules benefit from this stage when a new relationship comes along and we call it new relationship energy, NRE.
Imago therapy states (as do many approaches) that we are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship and we must heal in relationship. That when we are attracted to a potential partner, we’re actually picking the perfect person to help us work through our wounds from childhood. We tend to be drawn to someone who is a reasonable facsimile of the person or people who wounded us in childhood. The combined traits, both negative and positive of our caretakers from childhood form what is called our Imago (An unconscious idealized mental image of someone, especially a parent, which influences a person's behavior.)
Someone can seem perfect during this stage; however, this level of fun and enjoyment is probably unsustainable. We are swept off our feet, we ignore flaws, we spend time that we later claim not to have, and we avoid conflict. It can be sweet, sugary and dark and syrupy. You will send messages, check messages, wear that underwear, groom & primp, cook that meal, samsies, twinsies, do that stuff, sexual or life wise. But it is a biological force of oxytocin, dopamine, endorphins, adrenaline, and you will often seek out sex again and again.
Remember, play equals more chemicals, and that chemical mix is heady and creates bonds. During this stage, brain scan studies have shown that during orgasm the brain is near enough the same as the brain on heroin (circa 95%) However biologically we can't maintain that level, so it comes in waves, fits and starts, sex and play may not always be good, but it could also be amazing. We feel secure, warm, fuzzy and excited.
Although a lot of this is unconscious, it is designed to make us stay. But we also go through other positive aspects: we become curious, develop interest, and increase infatuation. If these interests are purely kink, then that can be fun and enlightening, how long will it last, however? Kink adds an interesting spin, a myriad of extra issues and extra chemicals too. We often compare kinks vs the person and this does not make a relationship sustainable if the people do not 'match'. If the person is a kink dispenser, you are purely play partners. If the person is objectified (not as a kink) in that you love corsets for example, do you love the person or the fact that they are wearing corsets? Is it the person or the fact they did x, provide x, put up with x?
The purpose of this stage is to form a bond that provides a secure foundation for the journey forward, all sorts of feelings occur in relationships, envy, jealousy, monotony, anger, sadness etc. The idea in this stage is to create enough glue to get past the next few months’ transition. The Initial attraction, which often involves physicality, personality traits and common interests, will now need to delve deeper at the end of this stage.
Oftentimes we ask “what can I do to make this person like me” vs “is this the right person for me” which soon develops into “where is this going and are we right” towards the end of this stage.
Going slowly in making any decisions about a relationship are more likely to be better ones than moving quickly, however factors influence this, age, current situations, affairs etc.
This stage is supposed to happen, but here is the kicker, it is also supposed to end. It is fun, we can become addicted to this stage, however it impacts our capacity to grow.
Reality, power struggle, autonomy, dissatisfaction, questioning, disappointment, burying, ignoring This can last 6 - 12 months, maybe more if you work through this stage.
This can be a slow realization or a crash landing. You wake up maybe and think fuuuuu... so the rose-colored glasses have lifted, and we see the other more clearly shall we say. This is often where relationships end because one person decides they have made a tragic error in selection.
The glasses shatter and suddenly their laugh drives you nuts, the wet towel on the floor does, you begin to think they're actually a selfish lover, or you even start asking yourself “who eats like that?”. The things others saw that you defended are now grating. Am I right? Right, now it’s more of a struggle because you spend more time together, and the reality of family, life, chores, responsibilities, children, you name it, kicks in big.
· You notice the differences, I want x, they never do, or they want Y and I just don't.
· You may do nothing and be passive, hoping this will change or you may squabble, argue and fight to get back what was.
· You used to do this, why don't you anymore? It is competitive, you lose or win, the middle is hard to achieve.
It doesn't feel like what we perceive love to be anymore (as most think of it in the initial stage) We care, it is a behavior more than a feeling, and this is about commitment now. I see lots of relationships at this stage, stale, bored, and bickering.
The purpose of this stage is to also learn the skills and gain the tools to resolve differences without losing your autonomy. It is often our starting point in coaching.
Plan dates, do things together, change your type of play, promote intimacy, we all hear this, but the reality that set in during stage two often turns to disappointment in stage three. Relationships at this stage spend about another 12 months working out their differences and coming together to get to a place of stability. If communication skills are good and healthy you often see progress. Surprisingly, we might feel pretty angry at this stage, which is often misdirected or misunderstood, yet so many people are “conflict avoidant” because they perceive it as toxic or unhealthy. However, conflict is necessary and needs to be done effectively to be healthy - TENSION is the relationship killer. But, this is also an enlightening time. The chemicals in our brains are calming, you see each other, and that connection deepens as a different form of intimacy and trust grows. We practice some autonomy too, so we may date, but I’ll still be me and go to choir, or tennis, or the gym, etc.
You both drop pretense since you feel accepted and can be your more natural and relaxed self. (So many people say, “what you see is what you get”, or “I am completely me, up front”, however notice these aspects of relationship forming aren't conscious.)
Our problem-solving skills can get better here in this phase and we are now complementarily working towards something, together. Nonverbals are more understood, you order the right pizza toppings for them, know the music that makes them feel better, all the little things you know they like. Often, one or the other may now define the relationship by asking “where are we headed, what next?” Sometimes if the other is not ready, the question causes pressure.
This stage can be around 24 months.
At this stage we are likely to have a good understanding of each other’s values, lifestyle, goals and we are probably involved with the other’s families and friends (unless we are a secret or in an affair etc.) This part is more assured, conscious, and often contains healing of old wounds. We listen intentionally and engage compassion for each other. The differences are ok, and we can work with them vs against them. We can also say “this is what I do or don’t want” without fear of rejection, humiliation or abandonment. Kink wise, it needs to be done as equals, not in a power dynamic.
Intimacy and connection are satisfying, and we get each other now - a shared look, comment, film - in other words we have history, herstory, & our story, we have shared a past and come through. This does not mean conflict doesn't happen; of course, it does. Yet, we have learned how to communicate more effectively and use the tools we experimented with earlier. There is less risk in the openness and honesty, and we engage in being part of an emotionally intelligent relationship.
You can also look at them again and say fuck, have they got hotter, sheesh I want them, it is a time of resolution of “will they do this?” or they are that and they're awesome. As life goes on, maybe you have a huge life experience and this can bring us closer, we resolve something, sort something, experience it together and come out the other end. Parts of the fantasy are gone, yet there is desire and laughter and excitement in the stability. But, because we may long for the drug induced aspect of falling in love, some may cheat, while others will ethically look for another to experience this cycle again with.
And make no mistake here, this is a cycle. The Truth is that the grass is greenest where you water it.
Love, that is that long term realization of a built relationship often blossoms around year 5, yep 5. This is what people aim for, vs the initial lust/chemical. This is when we smile and say “Yep, I have it good, they have my back and I have theirs.” In this stage, you are truly a team. You actively choose your partner vs thinking “I have to stay”. The idea of doing this again alone feels unfathomable and you're grateful for having 'us'.
(Poly is easier with one or two awesome people having your back :-) The other bits that happen around this are rotations of the above, especially in poly and kink where we introduce others and do new things. Those rotations are often quicker than before.
If you avoid stages, all of this takes longer. If you always please them and forget yourself, this all takes longer, If you always take without consideration, again, may take longer. If abuse and cruelty is involved, may never happen until the victim feels empowered enough to walk away. Some stages take longer than others to go through and some people take much longer at each stage. Unfortunately, some people don’t fully experience and process each stage as an opportunity for personal growth or to make a healthy evaluation about the relationship or about themselves.
Most couples break up just before the breakthrough. Most growth occurs at the final repetitions of any situation. This is also the point that most people want to walk away as it is exhausting. We can also take a different step towards mutual dignity, respect, and commitment to healing and growth together too.
Here are also a few stats about people on dating sites (these are cis based stats).
· One in four people kiss on a first date, but one in 10 say they tend to wait over three weeks to kiss.
· The majority (?) of people said they would wait three months before having sex with a new partner, but nine per cent admitted they would sleep with someone within a week of meeting them.
· The average person takes three months to deactivate their online dating profiles too, with men being more likely to do so than women - 28 per cent of men deactivate their accounts three weeks into dating someone, versus 17 per cent of women.
· 29 per cent of new couples will share a photo featuring their partner after four months together.
· The average couple will say “I love you” after three months together, and men usually say it first.
· The average person will keep a toothbrush at their partner’s house after five months of dating and just one month later will fart in front of their partner.
· Half of under-24-year-olds are happy to fart in front of their partner within the first three months of a relationship.
· 45 percent of people will be engaged after a year or have a joint bank account or a property together.
· 28 percent of people would move in with their partner six months into the relationship, 13 per cent would get engaged and 15 per cent would even get a pet together within half a year.
· Half of people wait six months to introduce their partner to their family, but meeting the friends usually happens in half that time.
· After breaking up, 67 percent of people move on and start dating someone new within a year - men do so quicker than women.
· Millennials move on faster than older generations, with a third happy to date again a month after breaking up with someone. However, the average person takes two years to fully get over an ex.