It is not just men pressuring women to have sex and crossing boundaries. Many women also pressure their partners to have sex on demand, and shame them when they don’t. I have worked with men molested by their mothers, female babysitters, older sisters, teachers, and their friend’s mothers. I believe that men carry a great deal of shame about revealing this because they are taught to believe that they should always want sex. This is in fact one of the Core Woundings of being a man.
In my personal experience with men, and in my clinical practice I've seen something intriguing arising around men's genitals.
It all clicked when I began to be lovers with Jorge (name change).
He was a physical masterpiece. A professional martial arts instructor and fitness coach. He had a high libido. He prided himself on his sexual prowess. Had cheated on all his former partners.
We were friends for 2 years before we became lovers. I was wary of him, yet called to build trust. What inspired me was that I saw him engaging in his personal Inner Work to face his disastrous relationships and his out of integrity with sex.
Jorge and I each had a Tantric background. Courtship including long hours of breathing together, eye gazing, running energy, spontaneous past life regressions, and cosmic bliss. All of this took place without even touching one another’s private parts. So when we scheduled a special ritual to make love for the first time, I was ecstatically anticipatory.
There we were. . . the candles lit, trance flowing music in the background, the bed sheets turned down. I was slowly taking off his clothes as he was taking off mine. We were verbally appreciating one another’s body temples with phrases such as:
** you have the body of the God/dess
** your skin is like velvet
**I am in awe of your beauty
I saw his gorgeous engorged member. We lay down together. Embraced. And. . . I felt. . .
Nothing! It’s as if his phall*s was missing? What?
During intercourse he had difficulty keeping an erection and the condom slipped off. What?
Each time we made love it was the same. His erection would become soft. Eventually we slept.
In the morning I asked him if he had ever had any trauma (emotional - shaming, physical - hitting, sexual - molestation, and/or spiritual - enculturation). He said, YES! He told me what happened. I held him. I offered to be his collaborator in healing if he would want that. He said yes.
I gently shared that it was my sense that his penis was energetically disconnected from the rest of his body due to shame, and that his cheating and high libido were driven (in part ) by his psyche trying to prove his phallus was worthy.
Over the next 9 months, I would give him a 2 hour session approximately once a week. I felt like I was calling the spirit (of the young 9 year old boy who had received trauma) back into his body. As the weeks and months went by our sexuality became richer and fuller energetically and his penis was hard and firm until. . .
One day, the detumescence returned. I wondered what happened. Then I had the thought, “What if he perceives I broke trust with him in some way?”
I asked him tenderly if he felt that I had done or said something to harm some part of his Inner Family?
It turns out that something I had said in a joking manner felt denigrating to him. I gently tuned in to his pain, empathized, apologized and committed to having a greater care with my words.
The next moment, zing! The energy returned to his wand of light. For the remainder of our 6 year relationship we would have a vibrant, Tantric, and deliciously intimate sex life.
Since Jorge, when a man who can have erections doesn’t, or once had them and no longer does, FIRST I suggest that he has his hormone levels checked, and his arteries checked. A drop in hardness can be an indicator of either of these medical issues.
However, once they have been ruled out I look to his past trauma, or his present intuition.
I have now heard from so many men that they do NOT want to have sex with all beings, all of the time. So many men also want to be safe and intimate with a lover, heart, body, mind, spirit and Eros. When he doesn’t feel this it can affect his arousal, and/or his hardness.
In some way we all want to belong and come home.
When a man (client or beloved) cannot access his erection or does not wish to have sex, I recommend that WE (his beloved):
** Slow down
** Breathe into the heart of tenderness and compassion
** See the suffering in their eyes not only from this moment but their whole life
** Clear the mind, open the heart, and ask if anything you have said or done has been perceived as a break in trust or acceptance
** Assess if you are blocking the energy between you, have shut down, or checked out
** Tenderly and spaciously invite them to share about any childhood or adult trauma
** Stay committed to being in communion but unattached that it has to look a certain way. Release that they have to answer in a certain way, or in a certain pacing, or with a certain amount of explanation
** See beneath their actions. Hear them beneath their words.
The way to heal the war of the sexes over sex is compassion, empathy, boundaries, gracious requests, and collaboration. We heal together.