How to be American! (Published in Berkeley Beacon Magazine)

For some eight years, those who see the writing on the bathroom mirror have made good efforts to turn themselves un-American. Scores of people no longer want anything to do with the stuff! Believing still in all the silly things like celebrities, human rights, and general decency, these fools have forgotten the joy of living in a Nation! 

Nowadays, everyone should want to be AMERICAN! Of course, it is absolutely necessary to want to be American, or at least appear to be, which is exactly the same thing. Everyone is in a lovely flavourless melting pot on a speeding calamity-train.

When I say everyone, you must understand it to mean everyone who is properly delusional and generally uninteresting. Never mind the rest! Being an American is, listen, an American from the United States, and the United States alone. Occasionally, some educated liar will say that we live actually upon a continent, but Americans know better than that anyhow. Americans know that they are the only real Americans—not some Canadian hipster sipping on syrup, and certainly, there was no one who came before us.

Acting American has several prerogatives. First of all, you might properly appear American by always attending a mass. Sure, the good American is a Christian, but you’ll find that all the churches are happily empty these days. I say the real American masses are held in barnyard colosseums, behind podiums and under sniper fire.

There are many advantages to being American. Chiefly, America is one of the least protective countries of its foreign citizens. No American wants good literature, or good food, or good culture. Just look up to the green statue with her torch and see how she’s nodding along. In America, good people work hard to live in a depression they have no words to escape.

Next, the American is feared– he has guns, or he, at least, knows that guns are his to have. 

What's more, at a time when everyone and everything must have its own proud label, when one person is proud to be a Dreamer, another a poet, others journalists, lovers, or activists, he, the American, is American and nothing else. What use is there in complicating things? By this right alone, every Chauvinist fraternity will gladly open its doors to the American. Recognising him as a fellow artless patriot, no one would dream of wondering whether he thinks of anyone but himself. 

And if ever a high-and-mighty barista enquires snidely, “Why is he dripping in war paint and lite-beer?”

“He’s an American!” will be the invariable reply.

So the barista, underpaid and uncaring will have had everything revealed to them.

“You must learn to talk American!” a proud-ol-boy in khaki calls from the drive-thru. 

“You couldn’t be wronger!” shouts his inbred twin.

Yes, Americans are always yelling, and that is the language of the land. You must always be sure of something– so perfectly sure that you are willing to scream it even at a child or their bullet-riddled friend. Americans shout in monosyllables mostly, and if you have not yet purchased it, The Thesaurus of Slurs is available at your local convenience store. Americans are generally well versed in slurs, finding them suitable replacements for admitting anything they don’t know. Slurs are useful in showing you are American, as they can be used on anything really, and from anywhere– From a squatted truck or in the unmoving line at the supermarket.

Chants are good, too, as there isn’t much troublesome technique involved. No American knows where the chants really came from, but they are ingrained nonetheless. And they are oh-so-easy to remember! Once you memorise “Deport” and “Make-X-Y-Again,” you are already halfway there. Chants are, as a point of American pride, perfectly adept at striking fear in all history teachers, union members, and underrepresented-progressive types (Basically as Un-American as they come). 

In between, Americans are always talking about nothing. It takes a short crash course to become good at talking about nothing, but this is easily done. For less than a combo meal, you’re given all the basics– such as commenting on a particular athlete and their willingness to stand or not stand. After learning to talk nothing, an American never has to worry about wondering, or creating, or changing. 

In addition, and for your guidance, here are some further tips on how to become the most winning American. 

Be filled with constant distrust.

Be confused. 

Cut your hair short to show you are sensible (Unless, of course, you are an American woman who would do well to leave your hair long and straight and repressed).

Be loud always.

Chew like a slob. 

Wipe your nose with your hands. 

Never apologise. 

Listen to music about small towns. 

Pose with fish in every picture (an innocent and bloodied deer will suffice). 

Hang around country bars drinking nothing but “Real-American-Beer.”

Despise women. 

With respect to your wardrobe, camouflage patterns are in total vogue! Hiding in homogeny is the American standard, so you will do well to buy for yourself a white collared shirt, and braided belt, and white shoes, and a white smile. For the women, it is an entirely easier matter. It is expected that every American woman be chaste, and unsexed, and respectable, yet simultaneously alluring, and skinny, and malnourished, and tan, and dependent. And for those who cannot decide between the two, it is the most American thing to decide upon whichever option drains your soul quicker. 

Red caps are encouraged only for the best Americans– those among us who are the most free and most violent, which is exactly the same thing. 

Always remember the old maxim: I am Number One, and my neighbour is Number Two.

And above all else, crown yourself with hatred. Hating is everything in America. Nothing is good enough, and nothing is good at all. Everything can be worthy of hate, which pleases the good, God-fearing American. The time is not far off when a man who stops another man in the street and asks for the time will be called an enemy from within.

If you are dressed like a real American, you can accost anyone in the street, and the police will likely shake your hand and congratulate you on your recently earned citizenship. 

That is an American for you.

Of late, it is also extremely fashionable to wear a swastika, which most believe a good American invented anyway.