I was kind of glad when I heard that there was a Bigfoot in Brighton, because my girlfriend and I were having a lot of trouble and had been trying to break up for some time. I thought a Bigfoot would be a good distraction from that.

I was on my way to the gun shop to pick up a new shotgun and some bullets when I heard on the news that someone had already shot and captured Bigfoot. I was happy that I hadn’t yet purchased a gun, but was also bummed that it was over so fast. I guess that’s the way it goes with things like this, few events in life are as exciting as you hope they will be.

But then it turned out to be a fraud because the Bigfoot was just a guy in a costume. I continued on to the gun shop and picked up a good size shotgun (a 12 gauge, which I was told was better than a 28, the gauge being of inverse proportion to the bigness of the bullets). With my new shotgun loaded I got into my car and thought about what I was doing. Do I really want to go after this creature? It deserves to live its life just as much as I do. I guess that’s what happens sometimes, you get so excited about the details of doing something that lose sight of the right thing to do.

But no, this beast must be taken down. It’s a menace to the city and has eaten an estimated seven pets. I made friends with a few other hunters who were hanging out near the gun shop and we formed a hunting crew. One of my new friends had heard rumors of Bigfoot being down near the gas station on Colborne Street so we headed down to investigate. When we got there no one had heard anything about a Bigfoot sighting, plus one of the hunters said he had to get back because his wife was cooking dinner. It was sad to see someone who had the exact kind of relationship that I didn’t with my girlfriend. Right then I knew I needed to get my priorities straight and set things right with my girlfriend. It’s funny how it takes a Bigfoot to make me realize that.

But what kind of world do I want me and my girlfriend to have a successful relationship in, one full of Bigfoots? No. So I told the other hunters that I also had to get back to my girlfriend, but then secretly headed deep into the woods of Brighton. I found the tracks of what appeared to be a giant upright animal and follow then for about half-a-mile. When the tracks appeared to slow down I slowed down myself and kept quiet so I could sneak up on what I expected to be a resting Bigfoot. The tracks led around a large rock, and behind it I could hear something snacking on berries and twigs. I quietly made my way around the other side of the rock and without a second thought shot the Bigfoot right in its snacking face. And that was it. The mysterious thing that had been plaguing all of Brighton for the past week was dead. It’s weird how something so epic and unstoppable can just be over like that. I guess that’s just how life is sometimes.

But Ah! That Goddamndable beast wasn’t dead! He rose up like a pack of dogs on each others’ shoulders and made a horrible noise. I had only nicked the top of his head. With no other options but running I ran, and in half the time it took me to get into the forest I was out and running towards the gas station. I thought that my best option was to lure him near the tanks and then shoot one of the them with my gun, causing an explosion that would surely end his life. The hunters were still there though, sitting in the gas station parking lot drinking beers and cleaning their guns. They saw me coming down the hill and seemed surprised, but when they saw what was behind me each of them aimed his shotgun and sent that beast back to the depths of hell it had come from. I hate to sound overly mean towards the Bigfoot, but that thing was really really scary, and he would not have hesitated to shoot me, had he a gun.

And that was it, there were no more Bigfoot sightings in Brighton after that, and my girlfriend and I really made a great effort in fixing the things that weren’t good between us. In retrospect it seems strange that I was glad there was a Bigfoot in town, but life is weird like that sometimes.