In these crazy times, we could all do with a little guidance. How does a balm for your soul, soothing and fragrant, applied daily, grab you? Have you ever smothered your chapped lips in petroleum-jelly, and pondered upon the whimsical notion, ‘Oh, if only there were a mystical balm that I could apply, to soothe my chapped soul!’?

Well, ponder no more, my fellow travellers! Within these esoteric pages, exists the wise voices of derelicts, deplorables, animals, insects, thingies, weirdos, and turkeymonkeys, who will be only too pleased to work the petroleum-jelly into every nook and cranny of your soul (happy endings and footgasms being optional “extras”).No, no, no, your eternal gratitude and worship is not required (although I will hate your wretched guts, should it not be forthcoming), the delight of observing your healing will be ample reward. A humble, bite-size reading for each day of the year is what is on the table. Partake of this simple sustenance and be sustained as you walk through yet another perilous day of woe, disillusionment, and alienation. For these readings will equip your soul with spiritual armour. Below is an example of what is on offer.

"But the bulk of my uniqueness separated me from everyone and everything. I was the worst entity that had ever existed. I thought and did dumbass things, that far exceeded the realms of plausible preposterousness. I was essentially unconnected from society. But when I talked to others, really talked, about my deepest fears, my wildest dreams, my neurosis, my faults – I slowly started to see that everyone was at least as, if not, far more bat-shit crazy than me. How reassuring, how soothing, how bonding this talk “therapy” was for me! Daily soul balm applied: For this day only, I’m having nothing to do with you bat-shit crazy motherfuckers! You have issues – get some help. "

Or is unceasing masturbation your unwanted foe? We got that covered too!

"Are you a total wanker? Do you find yourself cuffing the carrot more than is necessary? Are you finding it harder to explain away unexplained stains? Are you going bat shit crazy from making the bald man cry? Fear not, help is at hand! The hands of wankers are reaching out to you. Take these helping hands and clasp them tightly – but be sure to wash your hands afterwards. Come to a Wankers Anonymous meeting and find relief! But if you come at a Wankers Anonymous meeting to find relief, that is considered a relapse, and you are not helping other members who are seeking abstinence."

See what I mean? The wisdom you seek lies within these pages!

MARCH 12

HYPOCRITICAL WANKER

Rules for thee, but not for me.

Once upon a time, there was a hypocritical wanker, called Alan. Alan was hypocritical, and that made him a wanker. However, he did wipe his bottom properly, so he did have that in his favour. Everyone who lived in Alan’s town hated him. He was always making public speeches about workers’ rights, yet he treated his own workers like shit. He presented himself as a model of propriety. He demanded that others live by his moral standards, and loudly and publicly condemned those who didn’t. Yet, he was always trying to get into the knickers of anything that moved. ‘Any hole will do,’ was Alan’s silent motto. He would scold people for bad language, negativity, burping, and drinking too much. Yet, Alan did all these things with a great deal of agency.

One fine day, Alan met his female counterpart, Alma, who was also a hypocritical wanker. Alma was hypocritical, and that made her a wanker. After just half an hour of talking, Alan said, ‘What a hypocritical wanker, you are!’ Alma said, ‘Well, isn’t that just the kettle calling the pot black! You are one hypocritical wanker!’ ‘But I do wipe my bottom properly,’ Alan added. ‘Well, you do have that in your favour,’ Alma admitted. ‘I shave my armpits.’ ‘You have some standards, then,’ Alan remarked. ‘How about we join forces and become a pair of hypocritical wankers?’ Alma suggested. ‘Well, not a bad idea,’ said Alan tentatively. ‘But just how hypocritical, are you? For instance, I am president of the vegan society, yet I eat bacon and egg sandwiches.’ ‘That’s pretty hypocritical,’ said Alma. ‘I speak out against lesbians and yet I’m in a lesbian relationship.’ ‘Not bad,’ said Alan grudgingly. ‘I speak out against gay men and yet I visit male prostitutes.’ ‘I campaign for the homeless and yet I just evicted all of my tenants,’ said Alma silkily. ‘Wow!’ said Alan, aroused. ‘Let’s get married!’

Daily soul balm applied: For this day only, Alma and Alan preach every Sunday about the evils of porn yet return to their mansion to make hardcore porn movies. Hypocritical wankers!


SEPTEMBER 3

THE TAP DANCING TWINS

Our double shuffles and flaps simply cannot be bettered! We are going to shim sham shimmy our way to the top!

Tommy and Tammy Timpson are twins. They are also champion tap dancers! At the tender age of 11, they have won many competitions and their future looks secure. Tommy and Tammy knew they were talented, and they despised untalented people. ‘Look at that stupid plumber, Tammy!’ giggled Tommy, as they tap danced around the bathroom as a plumber fixed their toilet. ‘He can’t tap dance! Thicko!’ ‘Yes, I know, right!’ giggled Tammy, executing a world-class paddle roll. ‘His station in life is as a turd paid to send our turds away!’

One day, Tommy and Tammy travelled to Blackpool to participate in a tap-dancing event. Unfortunately, they were taken hostage in their hotel, along with the other guests. ‘Don’t worry, folks,’ trilled Tommy, as he and Tammy did a paradiddle into the centre of the room. ‘We have more talent in our tiny toes than you ignorant blobs!’ ‘Yes!’ agreed Tammy, completing a step heel turn. ‘We shall defeat these silly men with our tap dancing!’ Tommy and Tammy did some fancy a cappella tap dancing, until one of the hostage takers shot them. Then a group of plumbers disarmed the hostage takers with their plumbing tools. The plumbers saved the day!

Daily soul balm applied: For this day only, I will not be boastful about my talents, which may be next to useless outside my own area of expertise.



NOVEMBER 4

ENGLISH PROVERBS

Beauty is only skin deep – but stop trying to prove this with that scalpel, assmunch!

There are nuggets of wisdom in these traditional sayings. They echo the values of the English, and the lessons they impart still hold true today.

New King, new conniving bastard.

If you persevere, some slimy bastard will have you over and take credit for it.

Opportunity only knocks once: But if you let it in, it will kick your head in.

A leopard can’t change its spots; why are you asking it to, you freak?

Appearances can be deceptive; why, I look like a treacle tart.

Health is wealth; but that syphilis-infested king is having a better time than me.

Don’t take your donkey dancing with squirrels.

The best things in life are free when you steal them.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you; go for the jugular instead.

Speech is silver but silence is golden – get the hint, cockhead?

The pain of the little finger is felt by the whole body. Oh, if only I had known that, I wouldn’t have cut your little finger off.

Don’t bite off more than you can chew unless you have cheek pouches like a hamster.

Daily soul balm applied: For this day only, if you live in the past, say hello to Hubert for me, won’t you?