In these crazy times, we could all do with a little guidance. How does a balm for your soul, soothing and fragrant, applied daily, grab you? Have you ever smothered your chapped lips in petroleum-jelly, and pondered upon the whimsical notion, ‘Oh, if only there were a mystical balm that I could apply, to soothe my chapped soul!’?
Well, ponder no more, my fellow travellers! Within these esoteric pages, exists the wise voices of derelicts, deplorables, animals, insects, thingies, weirdos, and turkeymonkeys, who will be only too pleased to work the petroleum-jelly into every nook and cranny of your soul (happy endings and footgasms being optional “extras”).No, no, no, your eternal gratitude and worship is not required (although I will hate your wretched guts, should it not be forthcoming), the delight of observing your healing will be ample reward. A humble, bite-size reading for each day of the year is what is on the table. Partake of this simple sustenance and be sustained as you walk through yet another perilous day of woe, disillusionment, and alienation. For these readings will equip your soul with spiritual armour. Below is an example of what is on offer.
"But the bulk of my uniqueness separated me from everyone and everything. I was the worst entity that had ever existed. I thought and did dumbass things, that far exceeded the realms of plausible preposterousness. I was essentially unconnected from society. But when I talked to others, really talked, about my deepest fears, my wildest dreams, my neurosis, my faults – I slowly started to see that everyone was at least as, if not, far more bat-shit crazy than me. How reassuring, how soothing, how bonding this talk “therapy” was for me! Daily soul balm applied: For this day only, I’m having nothing to do with you bat-shit crazy motherfuckers! You have issues – get some help. "
Or is unceasing masturbation your unwanted foe? We got that covered too!
"Are you a total wanker? Do you find yourself cuffing the carrot more than is necessary? Are you finding it harder to explain away unexplained stains? Are you going bat shit crazy from making the bald man cry? Fear not, help is at hand! The hands of wankers are reaching out to you. Take these helping hands and clasp them tightly – but be sure to wash your hands afterwards. Come to a Wankers Anonymous meeting and find relief! But if you come at a Wankers Anonymous meeting to find relief, that is considered a relapse, and you are not helping other members who are seeking abstinence."
See what I mean? The wisdom you seek lies within these pages!