Where's My Family?

Note: this talk was given at the Hobble Creek West Stake Conference.

When Elder Costa asked me last January what our Stake needed most to progress, my response was, “To follow the prophet.” I truly believe if we follow the prophet, we won’t “go astray” as the Primary song says. I testify that President Russell M. Nelson is the prophet of God on earth today, and if we will listen to his counsel we will be happier.

When I wake each morning usually the first thought on my mind is, “Where is my family?” This question isn’t really about their location, but rather it’s about their well-being, their testimony, and their desire to follow Christ, which is largely measured by their willingness to follow the prophet. I worry about this because my life’s experiences - my own and those I’ve witnessed around me - tell me, actually shout at me, that this is the path to true happiness in this life. More importantly, following the prophet leads to happiness in the eternities and our ability to experience all that God would bless us with together – the abundant life.

President Nelson spoke of this in his most recent general conference address. He suggested that when the time draws near for the end of our mortal probation, the question “Where is my family?” will likely be the only question on our minds. A few years ago I found a favorite book by LDS Business Scholar, Clayton Christensen. In the business world he is famous for developing the concept of a “Disruptive Innovation”, which occurs when something simple sneaks up on something more complex and takes over. This happens because the simple thing, which takes more time and effort but produces a relatively small margin or return on investment, initially is ignored for something larger, which is providing an immediate large return on investment. A few notable examples of Disruptive Innovation in the business world include

1. Netflix displacing Blockbuster

2. Airbnb taking from traditional hotels

3. Uber revolutionizing the taxi service.

As fascinating as the concept is in the business/technology world around us, Brother Christensen, who is blessed with the light of the gospel, understands how the seemingly small and simple things we do (or should do) in our lives disrupt those ideals and philosophies of men that can distract us from what is most important. Over the years as part of his culminating lecture to students at Harvard Business School, Brother Christensen shares his own experiences that have taught him to understand that the well being of our families is what matters most in life. He knows that if we do not pay attention to the small and simple things, things that will provide our children with the most long-term happiness, regardless of how may achievements we attain in this life, we will feel empty.

Brother Christensen recounts how many of his Harvard classmates quickly attained success in the business world, leading Fortune 500 companies and creating new ones. He said it was interesting to watch as the group gathered for reunions 5, 10, and then 15 years later. At first those who were successful appeared very happy, but later some struggled with anxiety and depression as divorce occurred and their children moved away to be raised by others living half way across the country. No amount of future success could recover the disappointment from the breakup of their family. Extreme challenges in families also stemmed from indulgent practices that the so-called worldly success had enabled. Does this sound like what President David O. McKay was referring to in his famous quote, “No amount of success can compensate for failure in the home”?

Brother Christensen goes on to say that it is important to be industrious, work hard and use our talents for success in this life, but ultimately we will measure our life by our family. He also says that it is extremely hard work to give so much effort to our family because we do not see the results of that work until many years later – the disruptive nature of the small and simple things. Often young children misbehave and rarely provide positive reinforcement. Just think about taking your kids to the Art City Days fair or Disneyland. After taking them on one ride or buying a treat, how often do they then cry and scream because they didn’t get a balloon or because they got a green balloon instead of a blue balloon? Raising children is the hardest, yet most rewarding work we can do. I commend you parents, especially you mothers, who are in the trenches, even here today trying to get through a two-hour meeting with your small children. I promise you this is the kind of disruptive behavior that will make all the difference, eventually. Don’t you give up for what seems to be a much easier path!

What kinds of disruptive behaviors has the prophet encouraged us to live? I’d specifically like to focus on living the gospel of Jesus Christ by repenting. President Nelson has instructed us that repenting is a way of life, a process by which we strive to improve no matter where we might be on the gospel path. In our last coordinating council, Elder Dance asked each of us Springville area stake presidents to reread the prophet’s conference address on being better and doing better, and then highlight all of the things that he tells us repentance is. In my studies I found that repentance is:

1. Something everyone should do

2. Looking to Jesus Christ

3. Healing

4. Forgiving

5. Cleansing

6. Strengthening

7. Purifying

8. Sanctification

9. Changing our mind, knowledge, spirit, and even breath

10. Changing the way we love, think, serve, spend our time, treat our spouse, teach our children and even care for our bodies

11. Liberating

12. Ennobling

13. Progression

14. A process, not an event

15. A Key to happiness

16. Peace of mind

17. Access to the power of the atonement of Jesus Christ

18. Strengthening power

19. Doing and being a little better each day

20. Growing spiritually

21. Receiving joy

22. Key to avoiding misery

23. A Pathway to purity

24. Power

We can see that repentance isn’t just something we do once, but rather it’s a way of life and a disruptive behavior that ultimately brings about true happiness. However, we are not wired to repent. Thus, God gives us weaknesses to become humble and bring us back to him. One of my favorite scriptures that has helped me to understand the purpose of challenges and seeming injustices of this life is Ether 12:27:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.

When I was 10 years old my parents divorced. This was principally my mother’s choice as she had become unhappy. That is not to say that one of them was all right or all wrong; they both needed to repent, as do each one of us. My father desperately wanted another chance, but it didn’t happen. I know the divorce was hard for him and was a big blow to his self-confidence and his faith. Ultimately, though, he looked inside himself and determined he needed to “do better and be better.” Dad had discovered that there were many more available women looking for a responsible man than the other way around, but many of those women were in much the same disillusioned state of faith and gospel living that he was. At first this seemed comfortable and maybe even desirable to him, but eventually he began to realize there was something more he needed in his life. He was dating one woman who invited him to come to church. That day the speaker, another single woman, so impressed my dad that he knew he needed her, or someone like her, to help him become a better man. He wasn’t sure she would be interested in him, and initially she wasn’t. Eventually, however, it did work out, and while dad knew he didn’t measure up to Jolene, he knew he needed to.

My stepmother was and still is a spiritual giant, but their marriage hasn’t always been a bed of roses. Marriage is difficult in the best of circumstances, but blended families are tough. I know that dad and Jolene questioned many times if it would survive. I’m grateful that Jolene has been patient as my dad has tried to catch up, and I’m grateful for my dad’s example of humility and willingness to change and improve in his life. Today I have two sisters, three step-sisters, two half-sisters, a step-brother and a half-brother that I genuinely love and just consider all of them my sisters and brothers. I once told my family I couldn’t imagine my life without them and that we truly had been blessed. One of my brothers did respond to me, though, that I could easily have been just as happy if my parents had remained together in our smaller family. The key was humility, repentance, keeping covenants and turning to God. I’m grateful for parents who figured that out and set the example in our lives.

My mother was equally humble and willing to change in important ways. Not long after my parents’ divorce, my sister, who is 21⁄2 years older than I, was struck head-on by a man trying to pass another car illegally while driving under the influence of alcohol. She miraculously survived that automobile accident. There was an off-duty paramedic on scene, a one-of-kind pressure jacket on the responding unit, and the state’s best neurosurgeon at the hospital when she arrived. However, while the miracles lined up in favor of her survival and recovery from the accident, unfortunately and inexplicably to the doctors she never gained full consciousness. She lived five years semi-comatose with waking and sleeping periods, but she never spoke with us again. While there were days she definitely seemed more present, there were others where she seemed distant. This was an incredible trial for a single mother trying to support and raise two other children. My mother would work in the day and attend to my sister in the evenings, often with my younger sister and I joining. Despite the disappointment, frustration, and occasional questioning why my sister survived only to never fully regain consciousness, my mother never lost faith. In fact, looking back, I know that those experiences helped our faith to grow because my mother was humble and willing to put her trust in God and His great plan, even if our prayers were not answered in the way we wanted. One of the most incredible things my mother taught me through this all was that forgiveness is better than holding on to bitterness and anger. Despite the pressures on our lives, the mounting hospital bills, and personal loss of my sister, my mother never pursued legal action against the driver. I remember her telling me once that certainly he must feel bad enough. When some flowers were left by an anonymous man, she chose to believe that it must have been the person who had hit my sister.

I know that we learn and grow best from the challenges we have. I also know that we all have challenges. The challenges I have shared today may seem too much to bear, as do some of the challenges that I know you are going through right now seem to me. I testify that the love of our Savior, Jesus Christ, and the great mercy of the atonement is wide enough and deep enough to encompass all of our mistakes, pains, traumas and weaknesses if we will but turn to God. Please consider how the challenges of your life, of your faith, have been and are opportunities to see the majesty of God and His great plan for us in this life.

Life is hard, but the gospel is not. Repenting is not hard, failure to repent is what is hard. Elder Corbridge, in a 2008 conference address, said:

The Lord’s way is not hard. Life is hard, not the gospel. “There is an opposition in all things,” everywhere, for everyone. Life is hard for all of us, but life is also simple. We have only two choices. We can either follow the Lord and be endowed with His power and have peace, light, strength, knowledge, confidence, love, and joy, or we can go some other way, any other way, whatever other way, and go it alone—without His support, without His power, without guidance, in darkness, turmoil, doubt, grief, and despair. And I ask, which way is easier?

He said, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; ... and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

“For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Life is hard, but life is simple. Get on the path and never, ever give up. You never give up.

You just keep on going. You don’t quit, and you will make it.

There is only one way to happiness and fulfillment. Jesus Christ is the Way. Every other way, any other way, whatever other way is foolishness.

President Oaks spoke of disruptive behaviors in different terms in his conference address to the Priesthood when he asked us to consider the question, “Where will this end?” as we contemplate choices we might make. So as we close this stake conference, I invite you to consider what you have heard and felt today when deciding how you might choose to raise your Title of Liberty, personally and in your family. Consider the Utah Area Plan and stated goals and ask yourself, “Where will this lead if I and my family follow this counsel?” and “Where will this lead if we don’t?” The stated goals are:

1. Live the Gospel of Jesus Christ – Repent

2. Gather Israel through missionary work

3. Care for the poor and needy – Minister

4. Enable the salvation of our kindred dead

We encourage you to pick something, start somewhere to “be better” and “do better” with respect to these goals. I testify that it “will lead” to happiness and contentment and help you to answer positively to the question of “Where is my family?” in a spiritural sense.

I have a testimony of Jesus Christ and the Great Plan of Happiness our Heavenly Father has provided for us on this earth, which is built entirely on the idea of a Savior and Redeemer who loved us enough to atone for our sins and give us this chance to learn and grow. I am grateful for prophets and leaders who stand as watchmen on the towers to help us understand our way through the onslaught of the philosophies of men. I am grateful for scriptures, especially the Book of Mormon, which I know to be another testament of Christ and a powerful tool to bring clarity to God’s Plan and more abundant Spirit in our lives. I’m grateful for the many experiences in my life that have helped bring me to Christ and know of his love for me. I pray that these things will continue to soften my heart and make me more able to serve.

As we close the choir will sing the beautiful hymn, Savior Redeemer of My Soul. Last Tuesday I heard this song at the BYU devotional and I thought, “This is perfect, this is part of my testimony and I wish I had thought to ask to have it sung at stake conference, but now it is too late.” Later that day I went back to the program and realized the very song was already planned as the final hymn. Thank you, Brother Dunn, for always being so in tune with the spirit. I finish my testimony of Christ by reading the words and then we will hear it sung by the Choir:

Savior, Redeemer of my soul,
Whose mighty hand hath made me whole,
Whose wondrous pow'r hath raised me up
And filled with sweet my bitter cup!
What tongue my gratitude can tell,
O gracious God of Israel.
Never can I repay thee, Lord,
But I can love thee. Thy pure word,
Hath it not been my one delight,
My joy by day, my dream by night?
Then let my lips proclaim it still,
And all my life reflect thy will.
O'errule mine acts to serve thine ends.
Change frowning foes to smiling friends.
Chasten my soul till I shall be
In perfect harmony with thee.
Make me more worthy of thy love,
And fit me for the life above.

In the name of Him whose lives we strive to reflect, even Jesus Christ, Amen.