Will He Ever Change?

by James Bauer | Commitment | 0 comments

It’s so tempting to believe you can fix him.

You can see the things about his personality that are holding him back.

If only he’d let you, you could help him become a great success in life. You’d help him! You’d back him!

But he won’t listen to you. He won’t even try to change.

Physicist Albert Einstein put his finger on the problem when he said, only half-jokingly:

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”

One of the more difficult parts of dating is not figuring out whether you love him. It’s figuring out whether you can live with his flaws.

He’s fantastic in so many ways, but can you really put up with his video game collection taking over the house or his lax personal grooming standards … forever?

For many women, a man is a fixer-upper project. They believe men have to be taught how to be good partners. Men have to be taught the importance of obeying a woman’s rules. She is the ultimate arbiter of appropriate behavior in the home.

Some popular dating books even suggest training men using the same principles as animal obedience classes. A man who drops his towel on the floor is ignored, while he’s praised lavishly for taking the trash out.

But is all this focus on changing men ultimately fruitless?

A recent study suggests it might be.[1]

Angela Bahns and Chris Crandall asked whether people in relationships are alike because they’ve grown alike over time, or whether they were similar to begin with

Their data conclusively pointed to the latter. People connect and fall in love because of their similarities, not their differences.

In fact, our preference for people like ourselves should be considered a “psychological default.”

Bahns, an assistant professor of psychology at Wellesley College, adds:

“Anything that disrupts the harmony of the relationship—such as areas of disagreement, especially on attitudes, values, or preferences that are important—is likely to persist.”

So, will he change to become more like you? Not likely. Your friends might say you’re two peas in a pod, but it’s because you were both very similar people in the first place.

This doesn’t bode well for couples considering long-term commitment.

If you disagree on important issues, like whether to have children or where to live, then marriage won’t make you suddenly agree. You can’t count on growing more alike the longer you’re together.

Women consistently overestimate the amount of influence they have over their mate.

If you’re tidy and he’s messy, you can’t count on him picking up your tidy ways. If you’re conscientious with money and he’s not, he’s not likely to start sticking to a budget from his own free will.

Bahns believes that couples should take a hard look at how compatible they are before committing.

“Change is difficult and unlikely,” she states. “It’s easier to select people who are compatible with your needs and goals from the beginning.”

Now, chances are he WILL change over time … but not in the way you think he should.

Everyone changes as they grow older. You may love the man you’re with now, but there’s no guarantee he’ll be the same person in five years’ time.

A man changes because of personal reasons that may have nothing with the relationship. For example, middle age may force a reassessment of his goals and priorities. He may have a health crisis. He may feel differently once he’s a father.

The conclusion? The man you have is the man you’ve got.

You can ask him to alter minor behaviors, but you can’t ask him to change who he is.

Nor should you want to.

After all, why would you stay with someone you don’t admire the way he is?

One helpful question to ask yourself is:

If you knew he would never change, would you still be happy in the relationship?

Your answer should be yes.

If it’s not, then rethink what you want from him.

It’s ok if he’s not perfect. In fact, letting him be imperfect can be a change in your mentality that leads to a sudden increase in your happiness and satisfaction. Because you give yourself permission to just start enjoying the connection for what it is.

Being with a man you don’t have to fix is such a relief. He can be himself, and you can be yourself. That’s the foundation for a happy future.

Where Are All the High-Quality Men?

by James Bauer | Dating | 0 comments

Have you looked on Tinder lately?

Tons and tons and TONS of men…

But hardly any dead ringers for Mr. Right.

As you scroll through profiles on your dating app of choice, you sigh.

Where are all the high-quality men hiding?

It’s like finding a needle in a haystack.

You FINALLY connect with someone who seems interesting…

And 9 times out of 10, he’s a major letdown.

This is why you’re still single.

If you wanted to lower your standards, you could have had a boyfriend by now.

But you don’t just “want a boyfriend.”

You want a partner.

You want someone in your life who’s kind, mature, strong, respectful, emotionally stable, financially solvent, able to commit, and ready for the work relationships require.

How many guys like that do you know?

High Quality Men Are Hard to Find

High quality men are thinking the same thing.

They’re wondering where all the kind, mature women are, who are respectful, emotionally stable, financially solvent, able to commit, and ready for the work relationships require.

How can we help you find each other?

Right now, online dating apps are still the easiest way to meet other singles.

32 million Americans date online.

Nearly half of 18 to 29-year-olds have a profile online, while 38% of those 30 to 49 years of age do.

Just because you have a profile online doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep your eyes open for men in real life.

You can still meet men at work, at the gym, at church, through friends, or at meetups.

Single men know that they have to put themselves out there if they want to meet someone—like you!

What You See Isn’t What You Get

But online dating is still an essential piece of any dating strategy.

The problem with it—and it’s a BIG problem—is that the algorithms that are supposed to match you don’t work.[1]

No matter which dating site you choose, you’re stuck with an algorithm that prioritizes compatibility over romantic chemistry.

Chemistry is the spark that ignites when you meet face-to-face.

You take in everything about him—his height, his smile, the way he holds his body, even his smell—and your body says, “Yes!”

Or “No!” as the case may be. 😉

Even scientists don’t know all the variables that combine to create that spark.

All they know is that something magical happens when you’re in the presence of another human being. Typing words on a screen is no substitute.

Online dating is, at best, an introduction service.

It can’t predict who’ll light that spark inside you.

That’s where you come in…

See Through the Disguises

Men online are disguised.

It’s not deliberate. It’s the way dating sites are designed.

His “disguise” is the photo he chooses and the words he includes in his profile.

Those choices don’t reveal who he is.

They reveal how he wants himself to be seen.

A man who presents himself as a “catch”—tall, handsome, successful, able to sweep you away on the adventure of a lifetime—is a man who’s adept at selling himself.

You look at his profile and think, “This is one high quality guy!”

But in fact he could be all surface and no substance.

To find the high quality men, you have to dig deeper.

Look for These Clues

Here are some clues to look for:

• Does he include value words in his profile that give you an idea of what matters to him?

• Does he focus on the life he’d like to have, or what he can do for you?

• Does he focus more on sharing himself or selling himself?

• Does he suggest moving things forward respectfully, or does he push you to move fast?

• Does it feel like he wants to connect with you, or does it feel like he wants to impress you?

• Does it feel like he’s meeting you right here in the moment… or does it feel like he’s given the same spiel a zillion times before?

High quality men can be reserved.

They’re confident in their own value. They’re content to wait and see if a genuine connection develops.

So they may not be the type of men who contact you right away or sweep you off your feet.

If you’re looking for a man who blows you away with his charm and amazing qualities, you may miss the quiet gentleman with so much more to offer.

High quality men may not be the ones to approach you.

You may have to say hi first.

But don’t let outdated gender roles keep you from connecting with men who catch your eye.

Often, a man won’t even see your profile unless you message him.

High quality men are out there. They’re looking for a woman just like you.

Help them find you.

Read between the lines. Look for gems in disguise.

And have the patience to let love unfold naturally.

3 Reasons He’s Giving You Mixed Signals

by James Bauer | Dating | 2 comments

He’s doing it to mess with your head.

At least, that’s what it FEELS like.

If he really cared about you and what you have together, then he wouldn’t give you mixed signals, right?

He’d be consistent. He’d say how he felt.

Instead, you’re stuck wondering why he never called you when he said he would…

Why he seemed so eager to catch up then never contacted you…

Why he texted you a hundred times yesterday but won’t reply to your texts today.

You’d cut him loose but…

It’s SO good when you’re together.

You really like him. You really think this relationship has a chance of going somewhere.

But do all those mixed signals mean he’s just not that into you?

Let’s find out!

Now He Likes You, Now He Doesn’t

We all do it.

We assume other people’s behavior is because of us.

When he’s blowing hot, it feels like he’s really into you.

When he’s blowing cold, it feels like’s going off you.

You wonder what you did to put him off. Did you say the wrong thing? What can you do to make him like you again?

We forget that people act the way they do because of reasons that (most of the time) have little to do with us.

So don’t jump to the conclusion that his mixed signals are a sign of his changing affections for you.

Those mixed signals say a lot more about his current focus than they do about you or your relationship.

Mixed Signal Reason #1.

He doesn’t want to blow it.

If a guy likes you, he should say so.

He should make his feelings known!

But most guys out there believe that’s a BAD idea.

When you tell someone how you feel right away, you put them off.

Often, when a guy likes someone, he doesn’t want to “jinx it.”

So he deliberately holds himself back. He doesn’t want to sabotage this thing you’ve got going. He doesn’t want to put pressure on you.

Plus, a lot of guys aren’t as socially confident as they’d like to be.

They’re worried about rejection.

They assume women prefer guys who are aloof and unavailable.

So they battle between wanting to pursue you and wanting to appear as if they’ve got busy lives and aren’t thinking about you at all.

Try this: Give him positive feedback. If he asks you out, reciprocate by asking him to do something with you next time. Tell him how much you enjoy seeing his texts. As he realizes you’re open to something more with him, he’ll feel freer to make his feelings known.

Mixed Signal Reason #2.

He doesn’t want a relationship.

When he spends time with you, he seems to really enjoy it.

But then you don’t hear from him for a week…

Or he books up his weekends with activities with his buddies…

Or he shuts down and doesn’t have much to say about what’s going on in his life.

It feels like he doesn’t have much room in his life for you.

And that may be the case.

Sometimes guys give you mixed signals because they’re not looking for a relationship.

They want someone around to have fun with, but they’re quite happy to go back home to their bachelor lives.

Sometimes these guys don’t even realize you want more.

They think you’re perfectly happy with the occasional fun date, because they assume you feel the same way they do. You have your life, and he has his life, and sometimes you meet up and have fun, but you don’t owe each other anything.

Try this: Ask him what his ideal life would look like. Then pay attention to whether there’s a woman intricately woven into his daily life in that scenario. If a committed relationship is absent, then you know he’s not looking for love.

Mixed Signal Reason #3.

He’s deliberately holding you at arm’s length.

Some men know how to make women fall all over them.

They use a technique called intermittent reinforcement.

It works like this:

Sometimes, he treats her like the love of his life. Other times, he treats her like someone annoying who’s demanding too much of him.

She never knows what to expect. She can’t stop herself from trying to figure out what he wants so that she can be that woman, and he’ll transform into Prince Charming and never treat her badly again.

Ever been with a guy like that?

He gives you just enough positive reinforcement to keep you hopeful, but just enough distance so that you never feel confident in his affections.

Those guys are not good relationship material.

They don’t want the intimacy, consistency, and security that are the hallmark of healthy relationships.

Try this: When he treats you badly, walk away. Set clear boundaries around what you expect. If he’s not capable of the work of loving—which involves respect, appreciation, and commitment—then let him play games with someone else.

Do THIS When He Pushes You Away

by James Bauer | Heartache | 8 comments

You know the instant he starts to push you away.

You can feel it.

He doesn’t look at you. His kisses are cold. He makes plans for himself without you.

That’s when the panic hits.

You’re losing him. You know it.

You’ve got to do something to save your love.

You’ve got to bring him back to you. You’ve got to show him everything he’s missing without you.

As you spring into action, dreaming up surprises for him, sending tantalizing texts, hiding every trace of desperation…

You never realize you’re actually pushing him away.

The Intimacy-Distance Dance

It would be wonderful if we could be close to the person we love all the time.

We’d never fight. We’d never feel distant.

We’d always feel close and connected.

But that’s not how intimacy works.

Intimacy is more like a dance.

Sometimes you’re wrapped up in each other’s arms. Sometimes you’re on the opposite side of the dance floor. You’re always in motion—together, apart, together, apart…

Yet when the person you love pulls away, it doesn’t feel like part of the dance.

It feels like he’s walking away.

It feels like he doesn’t love you anymore.

It feels like he doesn’t want to be with you.

And you can’t trust that the dance will spin him back to you.

You want to stop the dance, march over to where he’s standing, and pull his arms around you again.

But you can’t.

Because you don’t want to make him come back to you.

You want him to come back to you on his own, because he loves you and can’t live without you.

Why He Pushes You Away

Men have different needs for space in their relationship.

Some men need a lot of distance before they’re ready to feel close to you again.

Other men just need a short break before they’re ready to reconnect.

Not all men know how to ask for the space they need in a healthy way.

Perhaps, in the past, when they tried to get some space, their previous partner attacked them for being cold and unfeeling.

So they don’t know what to do when they feel that need for space bubbling up.

They just know that they need a break from intimacy, and they worry that their partner will react negatively if they ask for it.

So they end up taking that space in an unhealthy way… without first communicating with you about it in a loving way.

They close down emotionally. They act rudely. They push their partner away, in the hope that she won’t want as much closeness for a few days or weeks.

What You Can Do

It’s really hard being with someone who closes down on you out of nowhere.

It’s even harder when he pushes you away rather than asking for space like an adult.

It’s much easier to be in a relationship with a partner who has similar intimacy needs to you.

Find someone who likes to be close just about as often as you like to be close.

Still, regardless of who you choose, you will have to deal with times where he wants space and you want to be close.

What you should do in these situations is this:

1. Honor his need for space.

2. Honor your need for emotional connection.

What that means is this…

When he pulls away or pushes you away, give him what he wants. Give him that space. Understand that it’s all part of the dance.

When he can’t or won’t connect with you emotionally, don’t ignore your need for connection. Go out and connect with the other people you love. Spend time with your girlfriends. Call your family. Don’t stay home alone with your thoughts.

You have a legitimate need to feel close to those you love. But sometimes the people you want most won’t be available. That’s why you need an emotional support network. You need a range of people you can rely on for different needs.

You need people to have fun with.

People to have deep conversations with.

People who knew you way back when.

Those people will remind you you’re worthy.

They’ll remind you that you’re great company and fun to be with.

That’s a message you need when your guy is acting distant.

Ultimately, my biggest wish for you would be to find a partner who can express his need for space in a healthy way.

He’d never be gone for too long. He’d never make you feel unwanted.

And it would be easy for you to let him go, knowing that he’ll always return, trusting in the dance to spin him back to you.