Tweens, Teens and Gaming

Why Gaming Isn’t the Enemy: How to Support Your Tween or Teen Mindfully

When parents think about gaming, the first feelings that often come up are worry and frustration. The hours, the arguments, the “just one more game.” But what if we took a step back and looked at gaming a little differently, not as the enemy, but as a powerful way for our kids to connect, create, and grow?

The truth is, gaming isn’t just about sitting in front of a screen. For many tweens and teens, it’s about community, identity, and belonging. And when we understand that, we can approach gaming with a lot more empathy, and even connection.

The Real Benefits of Gaming

Research continues to show that gaming can help kids build real, transferable skills. When they’re part of a team, managing complex missions, or leading a group of players, they’re doing a lot more than just pressing buttons.

Kids gain skills like:

• Collaboration and communication

• Problem-solving and creativity

• Leadership and decision-making

• Hand-eye coordination and focus

And just as importantly, they feel things from gaming that matter deeply to them, like:

• Accomplishment and pride in their progress

• Support and community

• A sense of being needed

• Feeling like an expert in something

If we pause and look at those feelings, they’re the same things we want our kids to get from family, school, and hobbies. So rather than dismissing gaming altogether, the goal is to help our kids find balance, while still getting these needs met offline, too.

Research Note:

Studies by researchers like Dr. Pete Etchells (Lost in a Good Game) and Dr. Andrew Przybylski (Oxford Internet Institute) show that moderate gaming is not harmful, in fact, it can have positive effects on well-being, social connection, and emotional regulation.

Przybylski’s large-scale studies found that the key isn’t how much kids play, but how and why they play. Healthy gaming habits are linked to purpose, community, and balance, not restriction and fear.

How to Support Their Gaming (Without Power Struggles)

It’s completely normal to worry about how much time your tween or teen spends gaming. But instead of starting with limits, try starting with curiosity.

Here are a few ways to get started:

1. Ask questions that show interest. Sit with your child and ask:

• What are you playing right now?

• What do you like about it?

• Who do you play with?

• How does it work?

• What’s the community like?

Even better, try playing with them. Whether it’s one round or one mission, it shows your child that you value what they enjoy. You’ll also learn firsthand what the game is like and how it connects to their world.

2. Celebrate their wins.

When your tween or teen comes running to tell you about an in-game achievement, pause and celebrate it with them. They’re sharing something that matters to them, don’t steal their thunder by rolling your eyes or brushing it off.

Instead, ask:

• “That’s awesome! How did you do it?”

• “What skills do you think helped you succeed?”

Moments like these remind them that you’re on their team, not just monitoring from the sidelines.

3. Create clear routines together.

Instead of enforcing strict time limits, try collaborating on a schedule.

Ask them when they think is a good time to play, and when they should log off to focus on homework, family time, or rest. Having them involved builds responsibility and self-regulation. Remember, not all games have a quick "shut off" ability. Many are working with teams, and have consequences if you drop out or leave early. It's important to understand that when you ask your child to turn it off without warning.

4. Keep safety in mind (without fear).

Online safety doesn’t mean shutting everything down. It means teaching awareness.

Go over privacy settings together, talk about how to handle friend requests, and discuss what to do if they ever feel uncomfortable online. Encourage open conversation so they’ll come to you, not hide from you, if something happens.

5. Talk about balance, not bans.

The goal isn’t to eliminate gaming, it’s to make sure it fits into a balanced routine. Encourage breaks, physical activity, and other creative outlets. Show that gaming can be one part of a well-rounded life, not the center of it.

As They Grow, So Should the Conversation

What works for an 11-year-old gamer will look different for a 15-year-old. As they grow, they need more autonomy, and more trust. Keep the lines of communication open, and shift from being the “rule setter” to being their mentor.

The more they feel trusted, the more likely they are to make responsible choices and keep you in the loop.

Ready to Go Deeper?

If you’d like help starting these conversations or finding the right language for your tween or teen in all things online, my Parent Hub Membership is a great place to begin.

Inside, you’ll find:

• Videos on various topics about being online

• Conversation cards and family reflection guides

• Step-by-step strategies for helping kids build healthy screen habits

Plus, every one of my resources (the teen course, workbooks, family pledge, and more) all included for free when you're a member.

Gaming can be part of a healthy, balanced, and connected family life, it just starts with understanding.

Resources on Gaming

"Video games are an important point of reference for many of our students, but with this passion for online games, come many questions for educators and parents." - John Mikton, Primary Technology for Learning Coordinator

Thank you to John Mikton for putting together a thoughtful post on LinkedIn regarding gaming.  I have listed all of the resources below, which will no doubt be beneficial for parents, educators and of course, gamers.