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CAME TO DISBELIEVE

My journey in recovery has had its twists and turns, and what it was in the beginning has turned into something quite different.

The early me in AA would have a tough time recognising the person I am now.

Initially the struggle I had twisting my mind to the idea of an incorporeal "power greater than myself" wasn't something that greatly concerned me. My focus was on staying sober, one day at a time. The early days are like that and there's often not much room for much else.

But as my recovery foundation grew and evolved, the general insistence in the program to believe in something invisible continued to elude me. Why couldn't I figure out what God, or a higher power, or spirituality meant to me? Was I just self-willed? Defiant? Stubborn? Or was I to my core a disbeliever?

Here's the thing; I've never believed in anything I couldn't experience through my basic five senses. If I can't see, hear, taste, smell or feel it, it makes no sense to me. With all the huge personal transformations I've experienced in recovery, this has never changed.

So why does AA work for me? The non-believer, the self-reliant, the self-accountable, the Big Book hater, the girl who won't get down on her knees, or hand her day over to some being she can't believe in?

Here's why:

In a room full of alcoholics, I can SEE recovery, in myself and in the newcomer. I can see the changes in the way a person speaks the longer away from a drink they are. I can SEE the change in their appearance - their skin, their eyes, the lack of tremor in their hands, how they present and groom themselves, I can SEE their confidence grow.

I can HEAR the honesty take over when they speak, and the clarity and confidence in their voices return.

In a group, I can FEEL the unity, the sense of fellowship when one person suffers and others comfort them. Or when someone reaches a sober birthday and the room is celebrating with them. I can FEEL fellowship when someone relapses and is welcomed back with warmth and understanding. I FEEL it when a member loses someone close to them, and the fellowship attends the funeral purely to support a fellow member.

In a smaller way, I can TASTE and SMELL the coffee brewing in a room that feels like home, while members chat over a cup.

Recovery gave me back my senses. I was numb to everything before I got sober. It's the return of these senses that shows me the fellowship works. They say seeing is believing. For me, that's the truth.

I searched for evidence of a higher power and couldn't find one. But I searched for evidence of recovery and my senses were flooded.

The fellowship can work for anyone. No god required

-Kay P