Boring, with shades of basic bitch, but I did them all, and the liner and lipstick stayed on throughout. (Technically I stopped just short of paying for a flight because I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, but overall I found that using a computer does not do much damage to one's makeup.) It was the rare combination that clung to my lips yet somehow also ended up on my fork, my hand, and my keyboard.

And that, of course, is the true road test. Could I handle being a person wearing a dramatic lip color (a shade darker than my usual), knowing full well I was copying one of the cheesiest movies of the year, perhaps of the decade, and still go about my day? Eventually, yes I could (Nobel Prize, please!). I smiled, said thank you to the compliments, and reminded myself that unlike Anastasia, I don't have to explain myself to my possessive boyfriend; I can do whatever I want. (Also, I am a real person.)


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Dang, the Fifty Shades sequel really did get darker as promised in the title. Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) and Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) are back at it in Fifty Shades Darker, still with absolutely zero chemistry. Christian is still whispering cryptic shit like "Intrigued?" "Curious?"... Like okay I thought we moved past this point in the relationship. Also did they ditch the whole BDSM thing altogether?? There's no evidence of it as far as I can tell. No whips, no handcuffs, no secret torture chamber. It's mostly just Dakota Johnson being like "NO MORE SECRETS" (yeah right okay sure) and Jamie Dornan smirking because guess what, I bet that trickster has mad secrets. I hope he says, "I'm fifty shades of fucked up" again, because I don't think that point was driven home enough in the last movie.

Confronted with the reality of Christian's darker side and singular sexual tastes, Anastasia broke off their relationship, believing that she couldn't be the woman he needed. But as she begins her new job as an assistant editor at a publishing house, memories of Christian still consume her thoughts and her desire is still for him alone. When he comes to her, proposing a different sort of relationship, she can neither deny nor resist the pull he has over her. She believes that finally they might be able to share the kind of love and romance she's wanted all along. But as they resume their passionate love affair, the reality is much different than she thought, presenting unexpected challenges. Christian must face and reveal the horrors of his past before Ana can fully become a part of his life, while Ana must deal with the anger and jealousy stirred up inside her by the women who were a part of his life before she met him. At the same time, she's wrestling with the most important decision of her life. Together, they must also face the outside forces trying to keep them apart before they can find their happy ending.

Before I started reading Fifty Shades Darker, I was a little concerned that the "darker" might mean that Christian and Ana would be going to some darker sexual places, but if anything it was the exact opposite. That's not to say this book wasn't super sexy, because it most definitely was. They just explore a different aspect of their sexual relationship that's sweeter and eliminates the fear, while exercising an even higher level of trust and compromise. To me, those are two of the most important elements in any real relationship and what makes these books so genuinely romantic to me. The "darker" aspect was really more about them navigating the treacherous waters of Christian's past and overcoming the outside forces that threaten their happiness. It's a beautiful love story that's about two people, one who's deeply broken but trying to find his way out of the dark, and the other who is completely accepting of him, flaws and all, coming together and figuring out what the future holds for them. I couldn't have written a more perfect and wonderful romance if I tried. I'm completely enamored of both Christian and Ana, and I can't wait to see how this journey ends for them in the final installment.

Now, how much darker does Fifty Shades Darker go? Not that much, but, hey, I could be wrong and wholeheartedly desensitized towards BDSM and mom-erotica. Anyway, on to my questions, which take the place of any sort of deep analytical story, because, truthfully, I don't even know how it's possible to read too much into what was happening on screen. Case in point: After doe-eyed Ana lays down the whole "I'm not going to be with you until you tell me about your past" rule, Christian responds with, "My mom was an addict... crack. You can fill in the blanks." Spoiler: No, we can't! It's all just... blank. Anyway, here's what was tying up my brain while there was other tying up going on in front of me. 0852c4b9a8

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