People who are interested in being foster parents often ask me what they should do to be prepared. The hard truth is, no matter how many books you read, trainings you attend, or people you talk to, you can never be prepared. “But I’ll try really really hard!” I can hear many of you thinking. You can’t be prepared because you haven’t met your children yet. Every kid in care is different, and it is impossible to be an expert on their life. Luckily, you’ll be living with an expert -- them! They will teach you, through their words and actions, what they need and what they don’t, what’s helpful and what’s not. And you’ll mess up. A lot. You won’t have the right size clothes, or you won’t have all of their medical history. You won’t know their favorite food or how they like their hair done. You won’t have that one perfect blankie that they are missing, and you won’t be their mom, dad, cousin, brother, sister, uncle, or aunt. Your house will smell different, and you’ll have different rules and expectations. You will be unprepared and imperfect and that is ok. What you will have is a safe and loving home. You will learn to listen and really hear what they need. It will be an ongoing process that is all journey and no destination. So as much as you can, let go of the idea of being perfect, of being prepared, and get comfortable with getting it wrong. 

Being a foster parent taught me that it is a privilege for your assumptions about the future to always be correct. Children and families impacted by foster care don’t have that privilege, and neither do foster parents. Depending on the circumstances of your case, it can be extremely hard to plan even a few weeks ahead. There will be social workers, lawyers, judges, and bio-family all with their own shifting and oftentimes competing priorities, schedules, and needs.The only thing you can expect is the unexpected. 

Action item: Write down a list of all the ways you hope you can prepare for your journey as a foster parent. Consider and discuss with your support system (partner, family, friends) what it might look like to welcome children into your home without being “fully prepared.”

When I was thinking about whether or not I wanted to be a foster parent I was focused on, well, me. I was inspired by other foster parents. I talked to them about their experiences, I researched what it was like to be a foster parent. I considered what would be required of me to become a foster parent and maintain my certification. I researched if I could get time off work for placement (some workplaces only allow time off for adoption, not foster placement), if I could flex my hours, how we would manage child care pick up and drop off. In hindsight, I was missing something very important. 

Foster parents opt in to foster care. Children and biological families do not. I became a foster parent knowing nothing about the experience of children in foster care or their parents, siblings, and other family members. I wish I had sought out memoirs, articles, podcasts, youtube videos, and other forms of media produced by folks whose families have been directly impacted by the removal of children. It also would have been helpful to read more structural critiques of the foster care system, learn how and why children are removed from their families, as well as ways to support families to prevent removal. 

Action Item: Set aside thirty minutes to reflect on your interest in and research about foster care. Audit your sources of information (informal chats, books, podcasts, youtube videos etc) and note how many are from the perspective of children and biological families. If it’s less than half, update your reading/watching/viewing  list. Use this reading list as a starting place. 

I wanted to become a foster parent to add children to my family. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d also be joining an existing family. Again, I chose to grow my family but was added to another family tree without their permission. While I went into foster care with great empathy and concern for children, I hadn’t realized that I would (ideally) become a support system for that child’s biological family as well. I’ve learned that everyone is better off if foster parents can hold empathy and respect for a child’s biological family. Yes, even those family members that have been accused of abuse or neglect. No matter what did or didn’t happen, your child will always be connected to their biological family. It is never helpful for you to speak negatively about the biological family or wish them ill. Unfortunately, legal proceedings, meetings, or evaluations to assess “bonding” often explicitly pit foster parents against biological families. I wish I had known that these are the times when it is most important to align yourself with the children’s biological family. If things go well, you may become a welcome member into a new family, if not, you’ve modeled empathy, respect, and boundaries for a child. 

Action item: Write down the reasons you want to become a foster parent. Reflect on where biological family fits in. What would be your best and worst case scenarios for your integration into an existing family? Do you have any deal breakers? Discuss these with your support system.  

Before becoming a foster parent, I had a vague sense I would work with a social worker. I did not understand the volume of social workers, lawyers, and other professionals that would be attached to each case. I didn’t know that our home would be inspected not only by the social worker but also health and safety professionals and the fire department. I also had no idea the number of specialists that would be doing home visits, many times, unannounced. As a foster parent, your week can quickly fill up with different professionals whose job is to judge the safety and cleanliness of your home as well as your effectiveness as a caregiver. These professionals often act as co-parents, giving suggestions, advice, or directives about how to care for the children in your home. In most cases you will not have the power to make decisions about the children’s education or medical care while they are in foster care. Instead of just consulting with your partner (if you are fostering with someone else), you will have to start consulting with lawyers, social workers, therapists, doctors, teachers, and specialists. 

Action Item: Reflect on how you might cooperate with or advocate for the needs of your children with social workers, lawyers, therapists, teachers, doctors and other professionals. Are there any “deal breakers” where you would not be willing to “co-parent?” Discuss with your support systems. 

No matter how prepared (see point 1), experienced, and on top of it you are, you are going to need help. Depending on where you are getting certified to be a foster parent you will need at least one “backup person” that will have to get fingerprinted, background checked, and take a short training. In most locations, children in foster care are not allowed to be supervised by someone who is not vetted. This means that if you’d like your neighbor to be able to watch the kids while you are out late or on a trip, talk to them now about getting certified. Start building up a support system of folks who can pick up your foster child from school in an emergency, provide you an evening off to recharge, or simply be a mentor and another positive adult in your children’s life. 

Action Item: Make a list of the people in your life you can ask for help and then start asking! Pick one of the resources from the reading list and invite them to read and discuss it with you.