Forgiveness has a high value in relationships. Life is simpler if you can forgive and forget it happened. But it may not always be that simple. What if you are a victim of hurtful or damaging actions whose effects persist? While they might be accidental, they may also be intended, serious, costly, and lasting such that they create distress in your life. Why should the victim even consider forgiveness? What exactly does forgiveness mean?
There is much written on forgiveness and some comments can be summarized here. Forgiveness usually means letting go of resentment and a desire for revenge. Forgiveness for many means that you redirect your focus to positive challenges in your life. You could reconsider it a shift in thinking about someone who has wronged you. While the hurt may still be there, you can give it less power to influence your life. You move forward as best you can. Forgiveness may involve a simple conversation with a colleague where an apology is given. It may mean that damages are repaired. But It may require considerable personal work and healing. Depending on the nature of the wrong, forgiveness may even be best considered and worked on with the help of a counselor. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean that you condone, excuse, or forget the action. Remembering what happened is a way to learn your life’s lessons. It doesn’t mean that the pain will go away. But forgiveness can be a powerful choice you make, so that you can function better and move towards greater personal well-being.
What about revenge? Maybe in a way that doesn’t make everything worse? Probably no. Find justice and move on. Maybe it is not practical, but consider what Marcus Aurelius has said, “The best revenge is to be unlike him who has caused the injury.”
This article is partly from The Art and Ethics of Being a Good Colleague, Amazon Press, 2020, p 67.
Some additional, relevant articles and citations are:
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1 , accessed on 11/15/2019.
Worthington, EL, Witvliet, CVO, Pietrini, P, Miller, AJ “Forgiveness, health, and well-being: a review of evidence for emotional vs. decisional forgiveness, dispositional forgivingness, and reduced unforgiveness”. J. Behav. Med. 30(2007: 291–302. 10.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/186784-the-best-revenge-is-to-beunlike-him-who-performed , accessed on 1/2/2020
https://www.apa.org/topics/forgiveness#:~:text=Forgiveness%20involves%20willfully%20putting%20aside,harmed%20you%20in%20some%20way. Accessed on May 1, 2024.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692. accessed on May 1, 2024.