LITERARY | The Quiet List

Happiness - Rex Orange County

Proud of me and my short list of accomplishments, say

And me and my lack of new news

Me and my selfishness, oh, me and myself

Wish you nothing but a happy new version of you

It's dark here, quiet too—so quiet that it seems to have its own presence. That's all I'm sure of while I'm inside my cramped room. I'm alone and there's no one else to witness how I'm rotting away inside a room cluttered with mess and stench but myself. Only me and always me.

I took a deep breath before lazily rising from my bed and  out of the corner of my eye I found a notebook containing the goals that I had once set for myself. I opened it slowly to the first page, and saw my silent lists.

Finish my degree.

Find a stable job.

Write a short story.

Those were the goals that I have never achieved even once. I can't… because I know I can't. There's no point in trying to do something if I know from within myself that I will never see it completed. There were only a few of them and they were ordinary, but as my index finger ran over each line, a pain in my heart panged. It made me think about how these goals are and that they matter because they belong to me.

A few minutes later, my phone rang and Ruth, who was my only friend’s name, popped on the phone. “Any new news, Elaiza? ” she asked, her voice bright.

“Same old me,” I laughed a little.

“You need something exciting to happen,” Ruth teased.

I was stunned for a long time, and didn’t notice Ruth trying to get my attention. I looked away, carefully considering what my friend had said. "Exciting?" I said on the other line. "That's vague."

Ruth couldn't hide the deep sigh she let out. "Then, go out, even if it's just a little. Walk outside at least. I won't force you if you can't tell me what the real problem is, but I want you to breathe... breathe somewhere new."

"Maybe I can't do it yet," I muttered

"You don't have to do or force yourself to do everything right away," she said, gently. "Just one step at a time. Get to know yourself again and  find yourself," Ruth added.

When the call ended, I fell back into silence. That call made me realize something.. I didn’t need new news to prove that the life I had long discarded was still worth living. The quiet rhythm of my days—the coffee I brewed, the walks I took, the stories I made—was enough.

That same night, I added a line again.

Write a novel.

The list is still short, as always, but it's growing. Most importantly, the list was honest and true.

The week has slipped away, and I can already feel the gradual changes within me, a steadfast pace that’s not too fast and not too slow either. Looking back, I can already trace the shift, a light sprouting, a proof of how my personality has changed.

Then came a day when I made a list again. Just like before, a simple goal. As I started, I stared at my window for a long time, I gathered all my courage and slowly opened it. My face felt the soft caress of the breeze from outside. It was a simple thing, but it brought a smile to my face.

The next day, I just found myself standing in front of my door. I didn't go out and just stood in the doorway and let the hallway's light spill into my room. It felt like the world was reaching out for me. But, if there's one best thing that happened, it's that I no longer look at how I will finish my goals, but rather I look at it in terms of how I will actually start them. From these things, one thing stood out in my mind– it feels good to experience joy every time I have small victories.

One afternoon, Ruth visited me. She glanced at my notebook. “Your list is short. Is this all? ”

“Yes, and I'm proud of them.” For the first time, I painted a big smile on my face. “They don't have to be big to be valuable.”

A smile slowly spread from Ruth's face, while mine remained the same. I held out my hand to her, asking for my notebook, and when she gently handed it to me, I wrote another line on my list.

Learned to be proud of myself.

But as I looked deeply at the new line I had written, I noticed a change in the words. It had changed because I had changed. What was once difficult to achieve was now a reality, and instead of measuring the things I felt I lacked, it was better to see more of what I had achieved. The list no longer showed who I wanted to be but who I was slowly becoming.

#TruthInTransit
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