The Nightmare Express
Written By Blake Robinson Thomas
[The episode opens up with sounds of birds chirping as The Doctor and Skyler take one last look at “Proxa Curioso” just before they leave.]
Prince Mondo
Farewell, friends. Thank you again for your heroic services, and good luck.
The Doctor
Goodbye! Happy to be of help!
Prince Mondo
Proxa Curioso thanks you, Doctor, as does it of you, Miss Skyler of Wolfville.
Skyler
I wasn't expecting a royal honour of sorts, I need the important people get that
The Doctor
Very kind of you! So long!
[Inside the Tardis, the Doctor is walking around inside, flicking switches as his walking footsteps reverb inside the metallic hull of the time machine.]
The Doctor
Right! Let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Seeing Ian Fleming certainly was something, if you ask me! You know, I once met Robin Hood a few years back… well, it was all a simulation, of course. But convincing enough if you actually believe Sherwood was filled with heroic outlaws robbing the rich and giving to the poor. My, what a laugh that was! Anyway, we should probably get back on track to figuring out what Infinacore is really up to before—
He stops mid-sentence, noticing Skyler’s distant demeanor. At first, he dismisses it, fiddling with a few more controls, but then he catches on.
The Doctor
(gently)
Skyler? Are you alright? You haven’t said a word since we left—oh no. Let me guess. I’m rushing to conclusions again, aren’t I?
Skyler
*Sigh* It’s okay. It’s just... ever since you figured out who that arms dealer was working for, you’ve been so fixated on tracking down Infinacore. It’s like everything else we, doesn't matter as much anymore.
The Doctor
(pausing, realizing)
Oh. I see.
He looks down, thoughtful for a moment. Then he steps closer, leaning on the console beside Skyler.
The Doctor
You’re absolutely right. I’ve been so preoccupied trying to piece together the puzzle that I’ve forgotten about the people who make this journey worth it. Skyler, you’re the reason I keep going.
Skyler looks at him, a small smile breaking through the sadness.
Skyler
Well, maybe you can make it up to me by letting us take a proper break.
The Doctor
(grinning)
A break? Well, why didn’t you say so earlier?
Skyler
(brightening)
How about London? I’ve always wanted to go. Never had the chance when I was younger.
The Doctor
(excitedly)
London! A fantastic idea! Rich history, incredible culture... and I’ll have you know, Shakespeare owes me a favor or two.
Skyler
(intrigued)
Wait. Shakespeare? Do you know him?
The Doctor
Oh, quite well. Lovely chap, though a bit melodramatic. You’ll enjoy Seeing one of his plays live, especially when the young men play all the female roles.
Skyler
(laughing)
That does sound funny.
The Doctor
In fact the Last time I saw him, we took down alien witches
Skyler
Well, luckily we won't be seeing any of those once we arrive
The Doctor
(flipping a switch)
Right then! London it is! Shakespeare, here we come!
[There’s a sudden electronic pinging coming from the Tardis’s control panel, almost like a radar.]
Skyler
What’s that?
The Doctor
I’m not sure…
[The pinging continues.]
The Doctor
Aha! Seems to be some kind of distress signal calling for help… an SOS!
Skyler
When’s it coming from?
The Doctor
Ay?
Skyler
When? You know, Renaissance Italy, Civil War America… 1970 Liverpool when The Beatles split?
The Doctor
No, nothing along those lines. Besides, I’ve already been there and done all that. The Beatles weren’t being stalked by their fans, just some evil androids in disguise holding them for ransom. Bit of a weird case, that one.
Skyler
Then what’s the time-period of the signal?
The Doctor
You’re gonna like this! It is coming from… the 51st Century,Possibly thousands of years in the future.
Skyler
Could it be from Earth?!
The Doctor
Not quite, but it IS close!
Skyler
How close?
The Doctor
Oh, only about 15,000 or so light years from the Milky Way. Pretty close, given the mileage the Tardis can get, wouldn’t you say?
Skyler
Um… I guess so?
The Doctor
So, Skyler… do you want to check it out?
Skyler
Let’s Do it
The Doctor
Alrighty then, I just lock on to the signal's coordinates when the Tardis’s tracking system aaaaaaand…
[The Tardis starts humming.]
The Doctor
I’d say we’re off! Alonsee!
Skyler
What was that?
The Doctor
What was what?
Skyler
What you just said.
The Doctor
“We’re off”?
Skyler
No, after that.
The Doctor
Oh, “alonsee”?
Skyler
Yeah, that.
The Doctor
Oh… You don’t speak French?
Skyler
It’s not that. It’s just… you know…
The Doctor
A bit weird?
Skyler
Yeah… Sorry.
The Doctor
Nah, it’s fine. I was just… reminiscing.
[A violet sound of a metallic clanging noise shakes the Tardis.]
Skyler
What was that?!
The Doctor
I think the Tardis locked on to our message for help quicker than expected!!!
Skyler
Wow!!! That was quick!!!
The Doctor
That reminds me, you might want to grab hold of the railing before we crash-land!!!
Skyler
“CRASH-LAND”?!
[A loud crashing noise plays as The Doctor and Skyler scream upon landing in what appears to be a metal hull of a ship.]
The Doctor
Skyler! Are you alright?!
Skyler
Well, I guess I’ve been in WORSE Tardis landings! You could get some better brake-pads, though!
The Doctor
Brake-pads?
[The sound of an intercom beeps, as a distant, reverb voice calls out.]
Ship Intercom
Welcome aboard the HMS Hindenburg, the finest mobile restaurant cruise in the entirety of the known universe.
Skyler
Hindenburg?
The Doctor
Restaurant?
[They open the Tardis door, and are amazed to see a vast, never-ending cruise-ship interior bustling with millions of busy attendees, all ordering food from restaurants, food stalls and vending machines that stretch out across its grand horizon.]
The Doctor
Now THAT’S a restaurant!
Skyler
Is it? It’s like no restaurant I’ve ever seen. It’s more of a food court… but then again, most food courts on Earth are way smaller than this.
The Doctor
You can say that again. Say, while we’re here, are you hungry?
Skyler
I guess so. But why is a food court calling for help?
CLF-14
Excuse me.
[The Doctor and Skyler turn around, and are startled to see a human-like being with a robotic arm, and half a prosthetic skull made out of chrome metal.]
The Doctor
I’m sorry, my good sir! We’re visitors. Could you possibly give us directions to the… captain?
Skyler
A captain? Really?
The Doctor
It IS a ship. I figured it’d have a captain.
CLF-14
Sir, you and your friend over here have parked in one of the ship’s luggage zones. It has a sign that says “Luggage”... right over there.
The Doctor
Oh! So it does.
CLF-14
You’d better have a good excuse for parking your compact spaceship in there, otherwise you’ll be seeing the captain, alright. From a CELL!
The Doctor
Oh, right! Do excuse me. Here’s my ID.
CLF-14
Hmm… The Doctor and Miss Skyler from… Galactic Interpol, Sector 8?
The Doctor
The very same, my friend.
Skyler
*Whispering*
How-
The Doctor
*Whispering*
A neural-activated blank ID card that takes on the form of whatever ID you think of in front of others. It’s a long story.
CLF-14
Well in that case, I do apologize! I’m the head of security near the ship’s hull section. CLF-Dash-14, at your service.
Skyler
CLF?
CLF-14
Cybernetic Lifeform, m’am.
Skyler
Um, I’d hate to be rude, but isn’t lifeform one word, not two?
CLF-14
Hey, I’m not in charge of the codenames, m’am. That’d be the ship’s owner.
The Doctor
Say, that reminds me! Um, Mr. CLF-Dash-14, are you aware of the name Hindenburg, and possibly, its historical relevance? It’s just, the last time I went on a ship like this, it was the Titanic, and was owned by an evil cyborg CEO who planned to crash the ship and kill millions, blaming the share-holders who were nailing his company into the ground.
Skyler
What?
The Doctor
True story.
CLF-14
Well, I can assure you sir, the ship’s owner is more than aware of the German airship known as The Hidenburg. It was famous for its horrific descent and crashing, sir. You see, the same actually comes from the owner of this ship, Mr. Markus Hinden-Burgman.
Skyler
*Scoff!* Mr. BURGMAN? Are you serious?
CLF-14
Very so, madam! Mr. Burgman is NOT a crooked type! You see this skull implant and cybernetic arm?
The Doctor
Yes?
CLF-14
Mr. Burgman shipped these out to me years ago when I was recovering from the bloody aftermath of the Proxa Praximusis Wars back when I was a security guard for a military base! I would’ve DIED if it weren’t for Burgman!
Skyler
Oh. Sorry.
CLF-14
We apologise. It’s just that at the… Galactic Police Establishment, they wanted us to tick off any obvious examples of suspects, which in the case of our paranoid chief, us usually the CEO.
The Doctor
Well, tell your CHIEF he needs to read through his paperwork better.
The Doctor
Will do?
CLF-14
Anyway, I’ll take you to meet Mr. Burgman and the captain up at the control deck right after I get myself some lunch. You want to join me?
The Doctor
We’d be delighted! Lead the way, CLF-Dash-14!
CLF-14
Oh please, we’re friends now! Call me Derek!
[The sounds of a crowded grill-based food stall gets louder as The Doctor, Skyler and CLF-14 approach.]
Waiter-Bot
Welcome to 50-AC Takeaway, where we serve the very best of exotic rarities from the primitive planet known as Earth, located in the Milky Way Vacanity.
CLF-14
Ah, great. Waiter-Bots. These guys always talk too slowly every time you get up to a stall. Give robots a bad name, if you ask me.
Skyler
Oi! The heck do you mean “PRIMITIVE”?!
Waiter-Bot
Earth is a small, remote planet with a minute population run by one of the only races in the known galaxy without complete awareness of other interplanetary life. Its food, however, is of the purest quality, spanning across hundreds of planetary regions known on Earth as “Countries”.
Skyler
You’re right, Derek. These are some dull robots.
The Doctor
And do you have any menu suggestions for us, good sir?
Waiter-Bot
My AI-enhanced memory chip suggests that you try a delicacy from the country of the United Kingdom known as… “Fish & Chips”.
Skyler
Fish and chips? But I-
CLF-14
You WHAT?
Skyler
I… never tried any… because they’re… expensive?
CLF-14
Indeed they are, Miss Skyler. They cost 87 Credits a dish, and if they keep this up, I won’t be able to afford the recharge stations for my arm!
Waiter-Bot
If you have a complaint, you may submit it to-
CLF-14
Just shut up and give us three plates!
Waiter-Bot
Three first-course servings of “Fish & Chips”, United Kingdom. Enjoy.
The Doctor
Mmmm! Rather nice, this British food!
CLF-14
I prefer the food they serve from Earth’s American regions. You ever heard of hamburgers? Apparently, they used to come from the German regions, but the Americans took credit for them. Something to do with a method of physiological warfare they used against the Germans in… what was it… a “Second World War”, it was called.
Skyler
I don’t think-
CLF-14
Anyway, that’s lunch sorted. I’ll take you to the deck now.
Waiter-Bot
You owe an exact amount of 261 Credits. Failure to comply will result in.
[The Doctor quickly whips out his Sonic Screwdriver and uses it to reset the Waiter-Bot.]
Waiter-Bot
On the house. I hope your dining experience was satisfactory.
CLF-14
Did you just…
The Doctor
Oh. That wasn’t wrong, was it?
CLF-14
Eh, I’ll let it pass. It’s literally the least they deserve. Rip-off artists.
Skyler
Doctor, look! They use teleport-pods instead of elevators!
CLF-14
Of course! What is this, 1800s Venus, or something?
The Doctor
Well, after you, CLF.
[A teleportation sound plays as The Doctor, Skyler and CLF-14 are beamed up to the control deck, where beeping monitors are playing in the background.]
Captain Strutton
CLF-Dash-14! What’s taken you so long, old chap?! We’ve got a crisis worsening out there!
CLF-14
Awfully sorry, sir! I was just talking to some representatives from Sector 8 of Galactic Interpol.
Captain Strutton
And about time, too! We’ve been pinging an SOS signal out for hours! I was beginning to think the signal was too weak! Which reminds me, I MUST fire the idiots who installed that lousy radar system…
The Doctor
Yes, I’m The Doctor, and this is Detective Skyler. Pleased to meet you, sir.
Captain Strutton
Well, pleasantries will have to wait, officer! This is a grand matter that affects not only Burgman Enterprises reputation and future, but the lives of others as well!
The Doctor
Oh dear…
Captain Strutton
Several days ago, a mother came up here reporting that her child went missing while she and her husband lost him in the crowd on the way back from Galaxy Candy Supplies. Two days later, the ambassador for the Reptilian Rights Commission of the Outer Galaxian Void vanished from the 47th main dining-hall on the upper viewing deck. A week from then, a salesperson for Bars Of Mars disappears.
Skyler
Bars Of Mars? You mean MARS BARS?
The Doctor
Huh. I was always wondering where they got that name from.
Captain Strutton
Last night, one Mr.Barrett Grimwade, the ship’s head of food production and quality control… and finally, roughly an hour ago, Mr. Markus Hinden-Burgman.
CLF-14
Mark is gone, too?!
Captain Strutton
Yes, and he was on his way to a business meeting on Dining Hall 101 down the other side of the ship. That’s where Mr Grimwade was last seen yesterday before HE vanished.
The Doctor
Hmmmm. A tricky missing people case! It’s presumably not the CEO-
CLF-14
It’s not him in general!
The Doctor
Okay, in general. Not the CEO, millions of customers on board, robotic staff… WAIT! Those Waiter-Bots, they have AI that allows them to research Earth cuisine which they then explain to their customers on arrival at their stalls, right?
Skyler
“Research” is certainly putting it a bit generously.
Captain Strutton
Yes.
The Doctor
Right! So what we have to do is go to each of the stalls, and ask each of the Waiter-Bots if they’d seen anyone with the missing people near their respective stalls, as they’d be built-in with some kind of surveillance-based memory… by assumption, of course.
Captain Strutton
Your assumption is correct.
The Doctor
Splending! Skyler, Derek, you guys take the teleportation pods to the different stalls across the ship! I’ll traverse to Dining-Hall 101 and see if I can find out about Mr Burgman and Mr Grimwade.
CLF-14
Right you are, Doc.
Skyler
Will do, Doctor!
The Doctor
Captain, we’ll report back here if we find out anything, and hopefully, if we find out who this mysterious kidnapper is!
Captain Strutton
Not “If”, Officer Doctor… “Do”. I don’t want any “if’s”, “might’s” OR “maybe’s”. I want the culprit, and I want results!
The Doctor
Righty then let's get a move on
CLF-14
Be back soon, sir.
[The Doctor, Skyler, and CLF-14 re-enter the teleportation pods and exit the control deck. They teleport back to the food-court, bustling with millions of aliens, cyborgs and humanoids]
The Doctor
You two know the plan. Interview the Waiter-Bots, and if I find anything down by Dining Hall 101, I’ll use the Sonic Screwdriver to communicate via Derek’s circuits… if that’s alright with you, of course?
CLF-14
Of course. But don’t you guys use Walkie-Talkies or something for these sorts of jobs?
Skyler
Oh! They… um… we accidentally left them back at the station. Our bad.
The Doctor
Good luck, guys! Let me know if you find anything when we meet up later!
Skyler
Be careful, Doctor!
CLF-14
Don’t worry, Skyler. I think your friend knows what he’s doing.
Skyler
I guess you’re right. Shall we get to those stalls?
CLF-14
Yep. Follow me.
[Skyler and CLF-14 walk over to the Galaxy Candy Supplies stall, where another Waiter-Bot is waiting for them.]
CLF-14
This is the location where the first missing-persons report came in. Let’s ask Mr. Monologue over here if he’s seen anything.
Waiter-Bot
Welcome to Galaxy Candy Supplies, home to the universe’s finest establishment of chocolate, sherbet, liquorice, lollies, gummies, and all sugar-infested needs. How may I be of service to you today?
Skyler
Listen, we’re here from orders from the ship’s captain, and a missing-persons case was filed here a few days ago. A child went missing from this stall, and we need to know who was with the child when he left the stall?
Waiter-Bot
*With a suddenly darker and more sardonic tone of voice*
Oh, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid that’s a little too… confidential for me to tell you. My master said so…
CLF-14
Listen here, you glorified sat-nav scum! A CHILD is missing, along with more good people who have gone missing across this ship, and you’re gonna tell us where this child is! It’s that, or I tear you apart, piece by piece!
Waiter-Bot
Well, I guess you’re just going to have to get into a bit of a SCRAP then, aren’t you? HAHAHAHAHA-
CLF-14
YOU STUPID FREAK!!! IT’S LIGHTS OUT FOR YOU!!!
[CLF-14’s cyborg arm unfolds into a laser-gun, which he fires at the Waiter-Bot, frying a giant hole in its head right before it falls down and collapses, its evil laughter slowing and distorting as a gasping crowd looks on.]
Skyler
My Lord… Your arm can turn into a laser canon?
CLF-14
This one’s no use to us. Let’s try the next spot.
[Over at Dining Hall 101, some classical music is playing in the background, along with diners chatting as The Doctor makes his way through the crowd.]
The Doctor
Excuse me! Pardon me, sir! Coming through! Hmm… now if I was an anonymous kidnapper trying to make my way through a cruise ship without been seen, where would I hi-
[The Doctor trips and falls over, landing on the carpeted floor.]
The Doctor
Well, THAT bloody hurt! It feels like-
[He stomps his foot on the ground, which makes a muffled thumping noise.]
The Doctor
A trapdoor! Of course! A little bit cliche, but then again, this isn’t a very cliche ship, is it? Best to check it out, but first things first…
[The Doctor whips out the Sonic Screwdriver again and turns it on.]
The Doctor
Derek? Derek, you there?
[On the other side of the ship, CLF-14 starts getting a headache.]
CLF-14
Aaaaah!!! My splitting head!!! Just give me a sec, Skyler. There should be a button somewhere on the side of my head…
[CLF-14 clicks a button on his skull.]
CLF-14
That you, Doctor?
The Doctor
That’s right, Derek! Have you and Skyler found anything back at the food courts yet?
CLF-14
Yeah, but nothing useful. All of these dumb robots? They've been hacked into, kind of like what happened with YOUR Sonic Screwdriver!
The Doctor
Really? … Hey, wait a minute. Derek I-
[The sound of handcuffs clicking as Skyler reacts in shock.]
Skyler
Hey! Derek, what are you doing?!
CLF-14
That’s CLF-Dash-14 to YOU, “Officer Skyler”. Nice try, Doctor! Your whole police act didn’t fool ME!
The Doctor
What? But I-
CLF-14
Showed me that funny little card of yours? Yeah, you did, didn’t you? You said Galactic Interpol Section 8, and it showed up. But there’s just ONE little flaw in your otherwise good cover-up. You see, you got the Galactic Interpol confused with the Galactic Police Establishment shortly afterwards, which are two completely different things. That second one doesn’t even exist! You have to remember these things as a security guard, Doctor, but I let your little stuff-up slide because I trusted you. And what did that get me? Your little toy frying the memories of our witnesses to cover YOUR TRACKS!!!
The Doctor
Derek, listen! I don’t know how this happened, but I had nothing to do with it! Skyler and I only landed here a few hours ago! How could we pull off all those kidnappings?
CLF-14
With that hellish little space-box of yours? You easily could have come and gone without a trace, but I’m not letting it slide this time! I can tell from that music playing in the background that you’re already at Dining Hall 101. Me and Skyler are meeting you there, where the two of you will be arrested and interrogated!
The Doctor
Do what you want! Come down and arrest me, but before you do, at least hear out what I have to say! There’s a trapdoor down here, and I’m pretty darn certain that the villain, the REAL villain, has used it to help with the kidnappings! Tell me, would a kidnapper tell you THAT?!
CLF-14
What, the trapdoor to the UNDERGROUND KITCHEN? You’re wasting your time, Doctor!
The Doctor
Derek, we don’t have time for this! Just meet me in the kitchen!
CLF-14
Have it your way then, scumbag! Might as well give the chefs a few laughs while I ARREST YOU!
Skyler
Derek, please, you have to believe him! We’re trying to help you!
CLF-14
Tell it to the judge.
[The teleporter sound effect plays again as Skyler and CLF-14 teleport to the Doctor in the dining hall.]
The Doctor
So you believe me?
CLF-14
Not in the slightest. And remember, I have a laser gun for an arm, as Skyler has been demonstrated a few times now, so don’t try any funny moves.
The Doctor
Very well. If you’d be so kind as to follow me, Derek.
CLF-14
My FRIENDS call me Derek, Doctor. That’s CLF-Dash-14 to you…
The Doctor
Fair enough.
[The creaking sound of a cell-door opening plays as The Doctor, Skyler and CLF-14 enter the basement of the ship. The walls are damp and dripping with water, somewhat like a darkened sewer.]
Skyler
Not quite how I’d imagine a kitchen. That smell is going to haunt me…
CLF-14
Okay, Doctor. We’re in the kitchen. Now, turn around an- ARRRGH!!!
Skyler
AAARGH!!!
The Doctor
Hell’s horses!
Skyler
Is that…?
CLF-14
Yep… a severed arm. It’s been lying there for about… 48 hours. Blood loss evident. The skin’s gone off, but it’s original natural skin tone would’ve been lime green… EXACTLY like the Bars Of Mars salesman who Mr. Burgman had a meeting with last week!
Skyler
Mars Bars.
The Doctor
What do you think, Derek? Would we have pulled that off?
CLF-14
AAARGH, fine! I don’t know WHY I’m doing this, but I’m letting your friend go, Doctor!
Skyler
Gee, thanks.
The Doctor
I knew you’d see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually, Derek! Talking of which… has anyone got a light?
CLF-14
I have a flashlight built into my false eye… thanks to Mark.
Skyler
Hey, listen Derek. We’ll find Mr. Burgman, no matter what.
CLF-14
I appreciate it, kid. You and The Doctor… you’re not really police officers, are you?
The Doctor
No, Time Lord. Well, I am. She’s an Earth inhabitant.
CLF-14
No kidding!
Skyler
Yep. And fish and chips are NOT an exotic dish! When you see that Waiter-Bot later, you should ask him for your credits back.
CLF-14
HAH! You’re right! I should!
The Doctor
Shh! Did you guys hear that?
Skyler
Hear what?
[Sounds of distant tip-toe footsteps from down the hall.]
The Doctor
That! There’s someone down here!
CLF-14
Well, we’re nearing the kitchen. Maybe it’s the kitchen staff.
The Doctor
Nah, kitchen staff wouldn’t be tip-toeing like this. That’s the sound of some hiding. Trying to avoid detection.
Skyler
Well, what are you chatting down here for, then?
The Doctor
Alon- Ugh… Let’s go!
[Dramatic music plays as the three friends run down the echoing halls, eventually starting a man sneaking around the ship.]
The Doctor
You lost, friend?
Barrett Grimwade
ARRRGH!!! Wh-who are you?
Skyler
Well, this is the Do-
Barrett Grimwade
OH NO! YOU’RE ONE OF THEM, AREN’T YOU?! Another one of those disguised… THINGS! Trying to KILL me!!!
CLF-14
Kill you? What kind of pills are you popping, pal? I’m a security guard. These are my friends, and we’re looking for missing hostages.
Barrett Grimwade
Oh, thank GOODNESS! I do apologise for my paranoia. I’ve been down here for nearly three days now. Barrett Grimwade, at your service.
The Doctor
Barrett I see, the head of quality control in the main kitchen?
Barrett Grimwade
That’s correct, You can call me Barry if you like
The Doctor
Well, no offence Barry, but the kitchen for the main dining hall could be in better nick.
Barrett Grimwade
These are the hallways TO the kitchen! The real kitchen is MUCH nicer! Or rather, it WAS much nicer.
CLF-14
Care to explain?
Barrett Grimwade
Of course. You see, about a week ago, there were these armored pirates that found their way into the kitchen from these chambers. Lord knows how they did it. Before we knew it, they were armed with large guns and other dangerous weapons, rivaling even the likes of Mr. Burgman’s military assets, like the ones you’re using as limb implants, officer. Anyway, without any weapons of our own, survival was practically impossible, with me managing to escape. Others weren’t so lucky, the poor souls. Now it’s just been me hiding down here after they showed up in the above-surface crowds, and with a ship this crowded, no one saw me being abducted by them. The fact that they were of a small stature didn’t help, either.
The Doctor
Could you possibly describe these intruders for me, Mr Grimwade?
Barrett Grimwade
Of course. Their armour covered their bodies, and the helmets were weirdly rounded, almost like an egg-cup covering their heads. Chrome blue, I believe. Oh, and they said they were from a race known as… umm… the Sultanas, I think it was?
The Doctor
Oh no…
Skyler
Doctor?
The Doctor
Oh, this is bad. VERY bad. We’re in trouble.
CLF-14
What is this trouble You speak off?
The Doctor
Not sultanas, Sontarans!
Barrett Grimwade
Ah, yes. That was their name.
The Doctor
I’ve had my fair share of adventures with them before. Not a nice bunch… well, apart from one who used to be a companion of mine, he was okay. Him aside, they’re a violent bunch, some of the deadliest warriors in the galaxy! Obsessed with violence, honour before defeat, stuff like that.
CLF-14
Sound like a… fun bunch, I guess.
The Doctor
Believe me, Kreig and I met one of the disgraced scientists on a trip to Oregon.
Barrett Grimwade
Oh, please, sir! You HAVE to save me! AND the others! The last time I saw some other victims being held hostage in the kitchen, and I don’t know what happened to them! I think they’ve been down there longer than I have!
CLF-14
One of them’s dead. We saw a disembodied hand that’d been blown off down the hall.
Barrett Grimwade
Oh NO!!! Please, NO!!! Tell me this isn’t happening!!!
The Doctor
Luckily for us, YOU can help us! Now, show us the way to the main kitchen. We’ll be with you every step of the way.
Barrett Grimwade
I… I haven’t been down there since I escaped from there following my abduction.
Skyler
Theo, innocent lives are depending on you.
Barrett Grimwade
*Sigh* I guess you’re right. I’ll lead, you guys follow.
The Doctor
We’re right with you, Barry.
Barrett Grimwade
But just one thing before we go…
The Doctor
Yes?
Barrett Grimwade
Have you ever seen a Proton laser before… Doctor?
The Doctor
What?!
Skyler
What?!
CLF-14
What’s he talking about?!
[ Barrett pulls out his sound anhibater. A high-pitch sequel plays as the others scream in agony.]
The Doctor, Skyler, and CLF-14
AAAAARGH!!!
Barrett Grimwade
Okay guys, you can come out now.
[A set of marching feet sound as guns cock at the collapsed heroes.]
General Trike
Well, well, well! The Doctor himself! Still a thorn in our sides as usual, I see!
Skyler
Is that a Sontaran?
The Doctor
Indeed.
CLF-14
HAH! Humpty Dumpty over here is the guy killing everyone?! I don’t know whether to laugh or cry!
General Trike
Typical lower life form! I am General Trike of the 14 Sontaran battle fleet, and joking in the face of the enemy is a method used to cover up fear! Cowardice! Incompetency!
CLF-14
Yeah, and not taking a joke is a method of covering up being a sore loser! Right, shorty?
[The sound of a laser gun charging up.]
General Trike
I fail to see what stops me from-
The Doctor/Skyler
NO!!!
Barrett Grimwade
Hold up now, hold it! HOLD IT!
General Trike
Now what?
Barrett Grimwade
One of them is to live. If you kill them, they won’t know the full extent of What's going on?
General Trike
You are suggesting that we use psychological warfare instead?
Barrett Grimwade
Ugh! If that’s the way you understand it, then YES
General Trike
Very well.
[Laser gun charging down.]
The Doctor
You… You know my name. You know about the Sonic Screwdriver… and you know what Skyler and I have been going on about! No one else could possibly have that except-
Barrett Grimwade
Except for those who affiliate themselves with Infinacore
The Doctor
How…
Barrett Grimwade
For I’m one of their agents, sent by the boss himself.
The Doctor
WHAT
Skyler
Well that was something I wasn’t expecting.
Barrett Grimwade
How very typical of you Companion doctor, Always finding out at the last minute.
CLF-14
Infinacore, What kind of a stupid name is that?
Barrett Grimwade
The name of the company who have been secretly plotting against the doctor, always one step ahead of him everywhere he goes, From his first adventure with the Zergs to the events on wolfville, and even the Arms Dealer in late 1930s New York. We've always been there.
CLF-14
But how were you able to get on board?
Barrett Grimwade
Simple really, I used my own copy of The Staff’s ID card to get a job aboard. The name of the man who’s been supplying the ship with all the spare fresh meat produce it needs… flesh!
Skyler
FLESH?!
Barrett Grimwade
Please, you think they can just keep cloning beef and chicken and pork? Bio-matter replicators aren’t cheap to run nonstop like that, you know! Just kill a few idiots, flavour their flesh to taste like say… I dunno, fish and chips, BOOM! No one ever knows!
Skyler
I think I’m going to be sick…
CLF-14
Not true! The kitchen staff would’ve seen, and since they failed to report you, I’ll have them share a cell with YOU!
Barrett Grimwade
No offence, Officer Nitwit, but you’re not very smart. Must’ve been that bomb to the skull you took. You can’t report an organised killer in the kitchen if you’re DEAD!
CLF-14
What?! NO!!!
Barrett Grimwade
Yep, they’re on the menu, too! The Sontaran fleet has been so kind as to take over my kitchen for me after I disposed of my old crew. No big deal, really.
CLF-14
I’LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD!!!
Barrett Grimwade
*Pfff!* Really?
[Barrett uses his Proton laser to fry CLF-14’s circuits, setting him alight in the process while sending high-pitch frequencies directly into his brain.]
CLF-14
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
The Doctor
NO!!!
Skyler
Stop it!!! Stop it, you monster! You’re killing him!!!
General Trike
Talking of which, shouldn’t that be MY job?
Barrett Grimwade
Patience, Trike, patience. After all, we wouldn’t want The Doctor to miss out on his friends going through a tough time, would we, Doctor?
The Doctor
Look You’ve made your point, let him go!!!
Barrett Grimwade
I don’t know… Should I, Derek? That was your name, right?
CLF-14
AAAAAAAAAAAA-
Barrett Grimwade
Fine.
[The screeching stops, and a suffering Derek is left on the ground, his circuits frying and his skin burning.]
Skyler
Derek… No!
CLF-14
It’s… It’s a bit hot in here, isn’t it?
Barrett Grimwade
Your old buddy Mr. Burgman really tried his best to fix your life for you after that blast, Derek. Really, he did. Problem is, Sonic devices can fry most circuits, and cybernetic implants are just BEGGING to become flesh-bound deep-fryers when a Sonic frequency meets with their circuits.
CLF-14
Bastard…
Barrett Grimwade
Shame about Mr. Burgman, too. He was a nice guy. Nice boss, and that’s more than can be said for most CEO types that happen to own a cruise or two. He was a good older brother, too.
The Doctor/Skyler
BROTHER?!
CLF-14
Yeah. Derek Burgman… At your service.
The Doctor
THAT’S IT!
[Sontaran’s guns cock as The Doctor stands up.]
The Doctor
General trike, I know you Sontarans have a love for blood-shed, but this man you’re working with, he’ll take things too far! He always does! He once tried to populate whole galaxies with death-orbs made from the remnants of future human children!
General Trike
Begging and bargaining with the enemy? A pathetic tactic from you, Doctor! I expected far greater from you!
Barrett Grimwade
Yeah, it is a bit pathetic, isn’t it?
Skyler
You know what’s PATHETIC?!
[Sontaran guns cock again as Skyler gets up to join The Doctor.]
Skyler
Your childish obsession with death! We’ve already lost a friend, and we’re not going to lose another one! You hear me?!
General Trike
You are but two unarmed obstacles! A Time Lord, and a useless human! What could you possibly have that could defeat us?
[The sound of Derek’s laser-arm charging up.]
CLF-14
A cyborg, idiot.
Barrett Grimwade
You really ARE stupid! I disabled your guns, your scanner eye AND your communication system!
CLF-14
I wasn’t talking about guns, pal.
The Doctor
But-
CLF-14
Skyler?
Skyler
Yes, Derek?
CLF-14
I’ve only known you and The Doctor for about a day, but the two of you remind me a lot of me and my brother. You’re great friends, and you believe in helping others find their way, no matter what.
General Trike
What is happening?!
[A deep humming noise starts playing.The ship’s basement begins shaking violently as pipes and debris fall.]
Barrett Grimwade
No you fool, What have you done?
General Trike
GET DOWN TROOPS
The Doctor
I did warn you.
Barrett Grimwade
I'll kill you for this
The Doctor
Very well, I challenge you to a sword fight, With my spoon. Onguard
[The Doctor grabs his spoon as Theodore grabs a broken pipe, the two start to fight each other to the death, almost in a swashbuckling way.]
The Doctor
Quickly Skyler get out of here I'll try and finish the off as best I can
Skyler
What about Derek?
CLF-14
It’s alright, You make sure you keep up the friendship you have with the doctor. Sounds cheesy coming from a disgruntled ex-con like me and all, but it’s true. And even though I was skeptical before we went down here, at least I can leave happy knowing I could trust you like I trusted my brother. You don’t really trust a lot of people getting out of a war, but there’s two kinds of people you can always trust… family… and friends.
Skyler
Leave? Wait, Derek-
The Doctor
Skyler, run!!
CLF-14
Goodbye, Skyler.
As skyler makes a run to the exit, Continues his fight with Theodore
Barrett Grimwade
Just give up, doctor, you won’t win this time.
The Doctor
Never truly bring the benefit of doubt my friend
The doctor then pulls out his sonic screwdriver and starts tampering with its settings
Barrett Grimwade
(mocking)
You really think you can stop me with just that toy of yours?
The Doctor
(calm but sharp)
Funny, People like you always underestimate a screwdriver.
The Doctor aims the sonic at a nearby control panel, causing it to spark violently. Theodore flinches, distracted for a moment, and the Doctor darts forward, grabbing a lever and pulling it hard. Machinery groans and whirs as steam fills the room, obscuring Theodore’s vision.
Barrett Grimwade
(Coughing)
Clever trick, Doctor. But it won’t save you this time!
The Doctor
I wouldn't be thinking so
Theo lunges blindly through the steam, but the Doctor sidesteps deftly, causing Theodore to stumble into exposed wiring. A burst of electricity courses through him, throwing him to the ground. He lies there, clutching his chest, the fight drained out of him.
The Doctor
(kneeling beside him)
You better start telling me what Infinacore are planning.
Barrett Grimwade
(Giving a slight laugh)
You don’t even know what you’re up against.
He struggles to lift his head, his voice fading but laced with malice.
Barrett Grimwade
You’d better be prepared, Doctor. My boss... Mr. Stathis... he’s been waiting for you.
With a final, rasping breath, Theodore collapses. His smirk fades as his hand falls limp by his side. The room goes eerily silent, save for the faint hum of the machinery.
The Doctor stands, staring down at Theodore’s lifeless body.
The Doctor
(murmuring)
Stathis… bit of a peculiar name for a boss
He pockets his sonic screwdriver, his mind already racing as he steps away. Derek then calls out to the doctor, and he rushes to him.
CLF-14
Doctor?
The Doctor
Yes, Derek?
CLF-14
Do me two favors, find the hostages if there are any left alive… And get me my 261 credits back from that fish and chips vendor.
The Doctor
*Chuckle.* Will do, sir.
CLF-14
You might want to run, by the way…
The Doctor
Oh. SKYLER, RUN!!!
CLF-14
Good luck, guys!!!
[The humming gets louder as an implosion noise plays, which expands into an explosion. The Doctor and Skyler only just manage to escape its blast as they run into the kitchen.]
Skyler
Doctor’ He’s-
The Doctor
I know. I’m sorry, Skyler. He’s gone-
[Skyler rushes over to hug him.]
Skyler
I’m going to miss them, He was such a nice bloke
The Doctor
Me too, Skyler. Me too.
[Several voices nearby call out for help.]
Skyler
Good lord! Look at all these cages!
Prisoner In Cage
Help us, please! We’ve been down here for days. Some of us for weeks, even!
The Doctor
Okay, everybody! Listen up! My name is The Doctor, and this is Skyler! We’re here to get you all out!
Skyler
Doctor?
The Doctor
Is everything okay over there, Skyler?
Skyler
There’s a note on the wall over here… and it’s addressed to you.
The Doctor
To me? That can’t be right.
[The Doctor walks over, and tears a paper note stuck to a wall off. As he looks through it, The Doctor’s voice narrates what’s on the letter.]
Barrett Grimwade
(echoey as its the doctor imagining reading his letter)
Dear Doctor… I’m sure you’re a little bit busy at the moment. I meant to slip this note moments before I met you, I’ve ensured that only one of the victims is killed to lure you and your friend down here to rescue the others. Sure, the Sontarans are good fighters and all, but they aren’t very bright, so assuming you haven’t killed them already, don’t worry. I’ve planted a series of detonators inside the kitchen walls which are activated by yours truly. Did you see my little teleportation watch, by the way? It’s a handy little remote control too, as it turns out. Anyway, I’m afraid I won’t be seeing much of you after this, as you, your friend, and all the little pawns I used to lure you here will be blown to Smithereens. Enjoy your last few seconds of survival left, Signed Barrett Grimwade.
The Doctor
Skyler? I think we might have a problem…
Skyler
What’s the matter?
The Doctor
Theo… he might have…
CLF-14
Might’ve what?
Skyler
That voice!
CLF-14
Can you believe that sucker thought my miniature nucleus generator was a self-destruct sequence? What a dope!
The Doctor
Derek! You’re ALIVE?!
Skyler
But We thought you died!!!
CLF-14
Might as well be. Sunscreen isn’t going to fix this.
The Doctor
Listen guys, Grimwade has fitted a series of miniature bombs somewhere in these walls. Now, he didn’t say when they’d go off, but they’re going to take out this kitchen and everyone is held in cages inside of it! I don’t know how long we have, but-
???
Master.
Skyler
MASTER!!! Just wait until I find that son of a-
The Doctor
No, wait! It’s not him! It’s someone else!
???
Greetings. Master.
The Doctor
Oh my goodness! It’s you! It’s REALLY YOU, old friend!
K9
A pleasure to be of service, master.
Skyler
Wait, a robot dog?
The Doctor
K9, OLD BUDDY!!! How are you?!
K9
Detonators have been disabled, master.
The Doctor
What?
Skyler
I’m confused…
CLF-14
But how?!
K9
Mistress Romana, acting on behalf of the Time Lords, foresaw a catastrophic event in a potential future where an explosion aboard the Starship would result in the loss of countless lives and the area’s shutdown. To prevent this, she dispatched me, K9, to assist you. I was stationed in the kitchen’s air ducts to monitor and disarm the bombs. While you and your companions were preoccupied confronting Grimwade and the Sontarans, I am pleased to report that the threat has been neutralized successfully.
The Doctor
Oh great work on you, my old friend, You'll deserve a good biscuit when skyler and I get you back to Gallifrey.
Skyler
Well, it was lovely helping you out Derek, Would you be interested in coming with us?
CLF-14
Ooh, actually… I better stay here.
The Doctor
Are you sure?
CLF-14
My brother’s dead. Someone needs to run the company, and as the last of the Burgman family, that duty falls into my hands. That dog pal of yours? He did good. He pulled off his job, and it saved lives in ways we never expected. Right now, I’ve got a job where lives are in MY hands.
The Doctor
Right you are, Derek! But first thing’s first If you get that Sontaran, He'll probably wondering what knocked him out for so long.
CLF-14
Right away, doctor
[Derek teleports his way to the basement, The Doctor and Skyler start to make their way back to the tardis.]
The Doctor
Well, that's our job done. Let's get going.
Skyler
Agreed, come on K9
K9
As you wish, mistress
[Derek teleports back to the control deck, with General Trike tied up to a chair.]
General trike
I demand to be released
CLF-14
Quiet, you!
General trike
THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! YOU HEAR ME?! THERE WILL BE BLOOD!
Captain Strutton
What the devil is that noise?
CLF-14
Just the creep that was responsible for the kidnappings, sir! He and his army were hiding out in the basement near the kitchen. That’s where they hid the hostages.
Captain Strutton
And what of the other soldiers?
CLF-14
Unconscious or dead. … Mostly dead.
Captain Strutton
Derek, I salute you! You will be appointed from security to the ship’s head of defence! Your brother would have been very proud of you!
CLF-14
Thank you, sir.
Captain Strutton
And what of these police friends of yours? I wish to congratulate them as well, and possibly hold a banquet to thank them!
[The Tardis warps in the distance.]
CLF-14
Oh, they’re already on their way, sir. Look out the window…
Captain Strutton
Pity. Wait, is that…
CLF-14
Yep…
Captain Strutton
A POLICE BOX?!
CLF-14
Pretty fitting, wouldn’t you say, sir?
THE END