Sound and Fury
Written By Gabe Not Dave
Act 1 (scenes 1-5
Scene 1. INT: Larry’s kitchen.
A radio is playing background music. Larry is pouring himself a drink. It’s a beautiful day. The music switches as Man On Radio broadcasts an announcement.
MAN ON RADIO:
(Somewhat bored tone)
Good morning, Westville! Looks like the sun will be shining all day today. A lovely change of pace from the acid rain yesterday, isn’t it? Well, no need to fear, folks. Your umbrella will not dissolve on your way to the bank on this beautiful day! Although there is a slight chance of green snow in downtown again, which as we all know is harmless to everyone except those without Farmers Insurance. And speaking of which, today’s broadcast has been brought to you by -
Man on the radio's voice dies away as Larry turns the volume down.
LARRY:
I just can’t stand his voice anymore. Honestly, the people they pay for that should at least sound enthusiastic about the
weather.
The sound of the TARDIS materializing begins in the kitchen.
LARRY:
Uh oh. This better not be the invisible tornados again.
TARDIS finishes materializing. The door has not opened yet, but voices can be heard slightly muffled.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
(Behind closed door of the TARDIS)
I swear, old girl, if you’ve brought me to ANOTHER tentacle spa, I will-
The door opens and the Doctor’s voice is clear as day.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR (CONT’D):
-personally dismantle your navigation systems and then - Oh! Hello there.
LARRY:
Mornin’.
The Doctor and Kreig exit the TARDIS into Larry’s kitchen.
KREIG:
Brilliant. We’ll see all the incredible places in time and space, you say, and yet this is an average kitchen.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I’m so sorry to intrude, my new friend. I’m the Doctor and this is Kreig.
LARRY:
Lovely to meet you. The name’s Larry.
KREIG:
He’s American. Doctor, you’ve landed us in this man’s kitchen, probably in the middle of some random part of North Carolina.
LARRY:
Er, no. Definitely not North Carolina. We’re in Oregon.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Larry, please excuse my terrible parking job. I promise you we will be out of your kitchen as soon as possible - you just seem completely unbothered that we’re here.
LARRY:
What do you mean?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Big old police box just appeared out of nowhere in your kitchen and your first instinct is to wish me a good morning. Definitely a first. Does this often happen in Oregon?
LARRY:
Well, you know how it is. Once you’ve seen it all, nothing surprises you. Oh, I better tell Finn you’re here.
(Larry raises his voice to almost a shout)
HEY, FINN? YEAH SOME BRITISH GUY JUST PARKED IN THE KITCHEN!
The running of footsteps can be heard. Finn enters the room.
FINN:
(Excitedly)
Oh really? Who is it? And what - oh. That’s a box. Not a car.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
She gets the job done, though. How do you do? I’m the Doctor, this is Kreig, and that’s Larry.
FINN:
I’m Larry’s husband, Finn. Nice to meet you. Would you like some tea?
KREIG:
Tea? Isn’t it all coffee out here?
FINN:
Of course not! It’s illegal to drink coffee, don’t you know?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I beg your pardon?
LARRY:
Yeah, the Coffee Rights Protection Act. The City Council passed it. All over the news. It was a big controversy, but once we found out coffee could think for itself, I mean. We couldn’t exactly keep up the genocide, could we?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Sentient coffee? You’re serious?
FINN:
It’s not a joke! Or do you really think your coffee loves you back?
KREIG:
I’ve certainly missed something.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Normally when I arrive I’d ask if you’ve seen anything weird around here. But something tells me you wouldn’t have noticed.
LARRY:
Life’s just weird all the time.
FINN:
Yeah. But if you want something interesting in the news, we could always turn on the radio. Here.
Finn turns the radio up. Man On Radio’s voice returns.
MAN ON RADIO:
(Still bored).
…and that’s just how we roll here in Westville. Anyway, aside from the poisonous Big Macs convention that happened last Tuesday, the last thing on our Week Recap session today is a statement from the Department of Wildlife. The rats that were previously hanging from the Singing Tree have all begun to levitate on the spot, moving in sync with the rhythm of the tree’s music. Way to go, furry friends. Now, moving on to today’s top hits, let’s hear -
The radio is turned off by the Doctor.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Floating rats? Singing tree? I need to see this with my own eyes.
LARRY:
Well, the tree’s in the park out in the middle of town. Just walk straight down the road outside and take a left.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Good to know. Let’s go, Kreig.
He begins marching out of the kitchen.
KREIG:
Sorry again about the parking job.
Kreig follows the Doctor out of the kitchen.
FINN:
What lovely folks.
LARRY:
Can’t believe they didn’t know coffee could think. Some people just live under a rock.
Scene 2: EXT: Town Park
The Doctor and Kreig are approaching the park in the center of town where the singing tree is located. Right now, they cannot hear it, but gradually it will come into focus as the pair get closer.
KREIG:
So, is Oregon really weird, or are those two guys just insane?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I think perhaps we’re not in Oregon. The air doesn’t taste right. Not quite enough pollution.
KREIG:
You can taste air pollution? Are you serious?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I’m a Time Lord, Kreig. I can taste all sorts of things.
The singing tree’s music fades in, and it is presently playing Mozart’s Requiem.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Aha! Loving this tune.
KREIG:
It’s like they hooked a radio inside a random pine tree. But I don’t see any floating rats.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Neither do I. But there’s something to this music, something strange underneath it all… I can’t seem to figure out what.
KREIG:
Maybe the fact that it’s emanating from a pine tree in the center of town?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Rather odd placing for a radio tree. Perhaps it’s got a more sinister purpose.
KREIG:
Maybe this tree just likes a bit of Mozart.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, that’s a possibility. I’ve met noisy trees before, but this one’s not as opinionated as the others. Anyway, Look! A Grocery Outlet. Perhaps someone over here can tell us what’s going on.
KREIG:
There’s an old lady leaving it now, we can catch her if we’re quick!
The two run towards the grocery outlet and the old woman, claire.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR
(Loudly)
Excuse me! You there!
KREIG:
(Also loudly)
Lady with the glasses and blue cardigan!
CLAIRE:
Do I know you?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
That depends on when you mean. Now, earlier, or later?
KREIG:
Ignore him. My name’s Kreig, what’s yours?
CLAIRE:
Oh, well I’m Claire. This isn’t going to take very long, is it? Only, I’ve got to get home before long or else my refrigerator will start lecturing me.
KREIG:
Good to meet you. I- what?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Oh dear. The audacity of some appliances.
CLAIRE:
Yes, quite. Anyway, did you have something to say to me?
KREIG:
(bewildered):
I - um. Was going to ask if you’ve seen anything weird around here. But I think it’s a redundant question now.
CLAIRE:
Oh, not at all, dear. In the store just now, there were these - strange sort of things roaming the aisles. I imagine they’re the Mayor’s next project.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
The Mayor does all sorts of projects, then?
CLAIRE:
Oh yes. Almost weekly. It’s just one thing after another. Green snow, radioactive pizza, soul-eating street lights that make you think terrible thoughts and say terrible words, even that singing tree was something he cooked up. That was his first project, actually. A pine tree with an interest in old music.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
How interesting. I would like to meet this Mayor, but first things first. What were those ‘things’ you saw in that Grocery Outlet?
CLAIRE:
God only knows. They have the presence of a living being, but when I set eyes on them, all I could see were shapeless, nameless voids. Horrible creatures. They blocked up the produce aisle. Very rude of them.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
And are they still there?
CLAIRE:
Probably, but you won’t be able to get in. Grocery Outlet screens everybody. Only three of us are allowed in, the rest are vaporized at the door.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
What a terrible business plan.
KREIG:
Hey, Doctor, I think I saw one of those floating rats! It moved into the window of that other building - what is it?
CLAIRE:
That’s the public pool. No one’s used it since the water was swapped with acid, but you’re always welcome there, so they say.
KREIG:
Right. How about a trip to the acid pool, Doctor?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I would love a trip to the acid pool. Thank you for your help, Claire. Have a wonderful day!
The Doctor and Kreig begin to walk away.
CLAIRE:
You too, my new friends!
Scene 3. INT: Public Pool
The gentle trickle of water can be heard as the Doctor and Kreig’s footsteps echo around the room. The singing tree can be just barely heard through the pool’s wall.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Do you see your rat anywhere?
KREIG:
Not yet. The water looks normal, though. Like, not acid.
The Doctor scans the pool with his sonic screwdriver.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, don’t touch it just in case. The sonic doesn’t know exactly what that pool is full of. Hold it for a moment, would you please?
The Doctor hands his sonic screwdriver to Kreig.
KREIG:
Absolutely. Can I keep it? With a sonic of my own I could do oh so many things.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Don’t get too excited, it's only for a moment, just until I - oh dear. Kreig, look at the pool. Something seem off to you?
KREIG:
It looks like a pool to me.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
The surface of the water. The vibrations.
(realizing his error and getting loud)
That’s what it was! VIBRATIONS! Of course!
KREIG:
Vibrations? What do you mean?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Kreig, we’re not on earth. Look at the water - or acid - or whatever. It’s got the ripples you get when you bring fluid onto a mobile space station with artificial gravity! We’re on a space station!
KREIG:
(Confused)
Let me get this straight. You think this average American town is actually not an American town and is in secret, a town in space because the pool is… vibrating?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Not just the pool, Kreig. If you hold very still I imagine you’ll be able to feel it in the very ground - and besides, like I said before, the air is too clean. And you know, this whole place being on a space station accounts for some of the strange things around here.
KREIG:
(With great sarcasm)
Oh really? Sentient coffee and floating rats are typical space station occurrences? Fascinating.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
If only we could get a chat with that Mayor. I’m sure it’s the authorities who know what’s really going on here.
There’s a distant crash and scream from outside the Public Pool.
KREIG:
That sounded serious.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Quick. Let’s make sure nobody’s hurt.
The two walk out of the pool and shut the door behind them.
Scene 4. EXT: Grocery Outlet.
There is a new song from the singing tree: Gymnopedie no. 1 by Erik Satie. The Doctor and Kreig do not see anything wrong with the situation but approach Claire, who is still outside the Grocery Outlet.
CLAIRE:
Typical. Absolutely typical. Tuesdays are just the worst.
KREIG:
Claire! Are you alright? We heard something just now.
CLAIRE:
Oh, I’m sorry. I think I may have screamed from the surprise, but it’s nothing.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
What happened?
CLAIRE:
Well, you see, after you went off to the pool, I realized I must have left my phone inside the store. So I decided to head back in and see if I could find it, but as I looked, those shadowy figures from before were all gone! I thought they must be off on lunch break or something. But suddenly, the vegetables all started to mutate - right before my eyes! And I realized that the shapes hadn’t left at all, they had just combined with the fruits and veggies. Quite inconsiderate, I should add. What about our dinners?
KREIG:
Hold on. Those shape things merged with the vegetables? Then what happened??
CLAIRE:
Oh, they charged directly at me and crashed through the window. Terrible customer service. But I did find my phone as I was on my way out, so that was lucky!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
And these mutated vegetable creatures - where did they go?
CLAIRE:
The singing tree, I think.
KREIG:
Which would be just over there - oh, wait. I think I can just slightly see something.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Me too. Those little shapes - oh my goodness. It’s like a vegetable garden was cross bred with dogs. What on earth-?
KREIG:
Doctor, they’re coming this way. I think they can hear us.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Hear us? You see a vegetable dog and you think it can hear? There are no ears over there. Not a single one.
KREIG:
They’re still coming towards us.
The distant sound of aggressive barking and running can be heard getting louder.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
By golly, you’re right! How fascinating. Shadow creatures meet vegetables and become mutant plant dogs. How does that work?
CLAIRE:
Probably another silly stunt by the Mayor. Can’t be helped.
The barking gets louder.
KREIG
They don’t look friendly.
CLAIRE:
Well they’re not. They totally trampled me earlier.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Kreig, Claire, I think this is our sign to run as fast as we can in the other direction.
CLAIRE:
I’ll be doing no such thing! Move it. I’m going to my car.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Could you give us a lift?
CLAIRE:
Sorry, but this is a smart car. All that fits is myself and my groceries. Bye-bye!
KREIG:
How generous. Doctor? Can we run now?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
What are we waiting for? RUN!
All footsteps can be heard as the three people run from the rampaging vegetable dogs.
Scene 5: EXT: Town Road
The Doctor and Kreig are running down a road. They are being followed by veggie dogs.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
(while running)
Oh look! More of them up ahead!
KREIG:
(Out of breath):
You’re - kidding - right?!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Nope! We’re going to make a harsh turn right about… now!
They both go in different directions. The Doctor does not notice.
KREIG:
(Quietly, out of breath)
Wait - Doctor - you’re going the - other way!
Dogs bark aggressively at Kreig.
KREIG:
Too late. Come on, Kreig, you can handle things on your own for once!
He runs in the opposite direction of the dogs.
Act 2: (Scenes 6-9)
Scene 6: INT: Larry’s House, Living Room
Larry is reading a book in the living room with the front door shut. Suddenly, distant barking starts to be heard and there is a rapid knocking on the door.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
(From the other side of the door)
Larry! Finn! Help!
LARRY:
Oh, he’s back.
Larry opens the door and the Doctor immediately shuts it.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Thanks again for your hospitality, Larry. Would you be so kind as to barricade this door? I’m afraid your house is about to go under siege from an army of mutant veggie dogs.
LARRY:
My god. The mayor at it again, no doubt. Here, I’ll bring the couch on over.
Larry drags the couch over to the door just as dogs begin to scratch it. Footsteps approach as Finn enters the room.
FINN:
Hey, Larry, I think we forgot to pay the water bill. Oh, hello again Doctor! Uh, where’s your friend?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Who, Kreig? Well, he should be… wait a minute. Where did he go?
LARRY:
Say, those vegetable dogs are looking for another way in.
FINN:
Vegetable dogs? The mayor, probably.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I’ve got to find Kreig! I can’t leave him out there -
LARRY:
No chance, Doctor. Those things just devoured my metal fence in seconds. You won’t last a minute.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I’ve got to make sure Kreig is alright. If anything’s happened to him-
LARRY:
Listen, Doctor. If you want to survive, you’ll wait until those things have moved on.
FINN:
Do you want your sandwich, Larry? I even grabbed your favorite plate.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Do we have anything we can use to fight off these vegetable mutants? I seem to have misplaced my sonic screwdriver.
LARRY:
You want to fight them with a screwdriver?
A window shatters and one mutant dog starts barking like mad.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
It jumped through that window like it was nothing!
A loud smashing sound happens followed by a whimper and a thump on the floor.
FINN:
Well, sorry about your plate, Larry, but at least you aren’t food for that thing.
LARRY:
(In disbelief)
You knocked that vegetable unconscious with my favorite plate.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Gentleman, I say we retreat to the kitchen. The rest of them are probably on their way to this window right now.
Scene 7: EXT: Outside of town
Kreig is sneaking around the outskirts of town, trying to come up with a plan.
KREIG:
Alright, Kreig. Make yourself useful. Just do… something.
He starts to use the sonic screwdriver.
KREIG:
Luckily I still have his screwdriver. Let’s see if I can get it to work magic.
A pause before a metallic sound and a door is opened.
KREIG:(CONT’D):
Woah. There’s a door here - but it shouldn’t be. It’s in the horizon - unless…
Kreig knocks on the wall by the door.
KREIG: (CONT’D):
…unless it’s not a horizon. Woah. The whole sky is fake. It’s all a painted wall. This is, like, straight out of the Truman Show.
Kreig feels around the false horizon and knocks again.
KREIG: (CONT’D):
Ok. Deep breath. Going into the spooky hidden door in the fake sky wall thing. Don’t leave without me, Doctor.
Kreig enters through the fake door in the wall.
INT: Super Secret Hallway.
Krieg walks down the super secret hallway. It’s a metal sci-fi backrooms hallway type thing going in one direction.
KREIG:
(Quietly talking to himself, as a comfort)
Right, this is definitely an alien hallway of some sort, so we are for sure on a space station. The Doctor was right. There’s a big, funky round door at the end of this hall. Hopefully, with the sonic, I can… oh my god. I’m talking to myself. I’ve spent way too much time with the Doctor if I’m talking to myself and waving a sonic screwdriver around. I’ve lost it!
He stops walking as he reaches the funky round door. He takes a moment to examine it before continuing to talk to himself.
KREIG:
There we go, a door. Alright. Anything could happen. Here goes nothing…
Krieg uses the Doctor’s sonic and opens the door.
Scene 8. INT. Larry’s House, Kitchen.
The Doctor, Larry, and Finn are in a panic in the kitchen. Finn is holding the door. The vegetable dogs are barking from the other side of the door.
LARRY:
This is ridiculous! The amount of money I’m gonna spend on repairs alone is already astronomical. The Mayor’s gone too far this time!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, sue him on your own time then. We’ve got our lives to think about right now. Have you got ANYTHING I can use to fight?
FINN:
We’re in the kitchen. Knives? And would you hurry up? I can’t hold this door for much longer.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Don’t worry, Finn. I’ve battled many vegetables in my time. We just have to find some sort of weakness. Excuse me, Larry. I want to take a look in your fridge.
The Doctor opens the fridge and begins grabbing random things.
LARRY:
You won’t find anything of use there.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Nonsense. We’ve got ranch, cheese, apple juice, and vinegar. Why do you keep vinegar in your fridge? Oh nevermind. Finn, I say you open the door and let one of them in.
FINN:
You’re gonna throw vinegar at them?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Worth a shot. It’s definitely worked before.
FINN:
Well, if you insist -
Finn opens the door and lets one vegetable dog inside and closes the door. It starts barking, and then the Doctor throws vinegar at it and it shatters on the dog. Nothing happens and the dog continues to bark madly.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Right. Vinegar does not work. Well, I say we once again retreat, now into the TARDIS!
LARRY:
Your box thingy?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Yes. Run!
The Doctor opens the TARDIS door and lets Larry in.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR (CONT’D):
Come on, Finn! You can make it! The dog’s distracted by the vinegar spill!
FINN:
You sure? As soon as I move, they’ll all come running through the door.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
You can make it, come on!
FINN:
Oh alright!
Finn runs, and almost immediately the door opens and more dogs can be heard.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I’m right behind you Finn, get inside!
Finn enters the TARDIS and the Doctor enters and shuts the door, leaving the dogs alone. A moment later the TARDIS doors open up again.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Sorry, Larry, I’ve still got your cheese. Take this, you dogs of war!
The Doctor throws the cheese at the dogs and they whimper and move away. A moment of pause passes as the Doctor realizes what he just saw.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, well, well. Larry, Finn, I think we’ve found their weakness. It’s cheese!
FINN:
(from inside the TARDIS):
Cheese? Really?
The Doctor exits the TARDIS and Finn and Larry follow.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
It seems so. Look, they’re all cowering away from it. Have you got anymore in your fridge?
LARRY:
Yes, probably. Let me see.
Larry moves to the side and opens the fridge, grabbing cheese.
LARRY:
We’ve got lots. Here, have yourself a block, Doctor.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Excellent. Now then. Let’s see what our ravenous friends think of this!
The doctor walks towards the dogs, who back away in fear.
FINN:
They’re retreating! Cheese for the win, I suppose.
Scene 9: INT: Space station control room.
Kreig enters into the control room. Around the noisy control panels are countless buttons and levers, and there is a single Sontaran standing and messing with the camera system. This is STUL (pronounced “stool”). He is muttering to himself.
STUL:
(Quietly)
Cheese? I must have overlooked something in the genetic makeup.
KREIG:
Hello, hello!
STUL:
(Loudly and angrily)
What?! You! How did you get in here?!
KREIG:
I did this funny little trick I like to call opening the door and walking in.
STUL:
How enterprising! But no matter. You will shortly die. Stand still-
KREIG:
Hold it! What exactly are you? You look like a baked potato that’s been left out in the sun for a week.
STUL:
How dare you! I am ex-Commander Stul of the seventh Sontaran Battle Fleet. You are trespassing on my ship. For this crime, you will be executed!
KREIG:
Sontaran? I’ve never met any of you before - but you said “ex” commander. So really, you’re not as cool as you make yourself out to be.
STUL:
Silence! I do not need to intimidate the likes of you, for you will be -
KREIG:
Will be executed. Right. You know, I’ve seen many things in my short time with the Doctor and you are, frankly, the least scary.
STUL:
Aha! So, the cheese wielding terrorist IS the Doctor. My suspicions were correct! Haha, this is most fortuitous! With the greatest enemy defeated by my hands, Sontar High Command will have no choice but to pardon me and let me back in control of the fleet!
KREIG:
From the sounds of it, you’re not on the best of terms with your superiors right now.
STUL:
Regrettably, no. My scientific endeavors were deemed too… radical. But I’ll show them! With the Doctor defeated and all my data on the humans complete, I’ll be reinstated instantly.
KREIG:
Hang about. Data? So is that what this whole station is for? You’re studying that Oregon town?
STUL:
Correct! My specialized station perfectly captured the human settlement, and ever since, I have been experimenting on them. The fools haven’t even noticed!
KREIG:
And this makes you the Mayor, I’m guessing?
STUL:
But of course! To the humans, I am their humble mayor. They follow my instructions to the letter. They are puny creatures. They never even once suspected I stole their entire town from their feeble planet! All I have to do is design more weapons and test them on the unsuspecting civilians. They never even try to stop it because of my radio tree that plays subliminal waves to influence them under the disguise of old Earth music! They simply watch the spy rats that collect data by hovering into their homes! They don’t even care about the various weather phenomena I engineer from this control room!
KREIG:
Or the vegetable dogs?
STUL:
An ingenious genetic accomplishment. I send in the spectral drones, they combine with local vegetation, and an army is born! Er, however, the Doctor seems to have identified a weakness I overlooked.
KREIG:
He does that. So, all of those experiments are designed, monitored, and controlled from this room? Everything?
STUL:
Correct. I am the ultimate scientist. Stul, the ingenious. Stul, the unpredictable, and Stul the cunning! All peoples of the universe shall fear my name!
KREIG:
(Sarcastically)
Oh yeah, so terrifying. We would all simply bow to the might of you and your, uh, mutant broccoli.
STUL:
They’ll never see it coming!
KREIG:
Very sneaky. The supermarkets of the universe are about to be unleashed, it seems. Death to the consumers?
STUL:
Once I overcome the weakness, yes. But that is a simple matter of reanalyzing the DNA processing engines I designed. It is a one of a kind flaw.
KREIG:
Aren’t you forgetting something?
STUL:
Forget? Me? I am a Sontaran, you feeble earth man! I forget nothing! You will die for that!
KREIG:
And here I still am. Alive. Well.
STUL:
Oh, yes. How infuriating. I forgot!
KREIG:
But you said you didn’t forget anything!
STUL:
I believe the human expression is “there’s a first time for everything.”
KREIG:
And I believe I’ve still got the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver, and your control panels are right next to me. You don’t seem to have a gun or anything on you, so there’s nothing stopping me from just…
Kreig uses the sonic screwdriver on the controls in the control room. Everything goes haywire.
KREIG:
That must have done something useful.
STUL:
No! My station! You’ve sent it into overdrive! All my programs are shutting down! It’ll take forever to restore this! Do you have any idea what you’ve done?!
KREIG:
Nope. I’ll be leaving now. Bye, then!
Kreig runs back out of the door, and Stul follows.
STUL:
Come back here at once! Surrender that sonic device! I order you to surrender!
KREIG:
Sorry, but you’re not my Mayor! I did not vote for you!
STUL:
You insolent human scum! You will be obliterated!
Both are running far down the corridor Kreig first entered from.
Act 3 (Scenes 10-13).
Scene 10: EXT: Larry’s House.
The Doctor, Finn, and Larry are all wielding cheese and scaring off the vegetable dogs.
But their barking suddenly comes to a stop and the mutant beasts collapse to the ground.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
My, my, my! They’re all falling over.
FINN:
Do you think they’re lactose intolerant?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, clearly.
LARRY:
How likely is it that lactose intolerant vegetables would all faint at the same time?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Fairly likely, if whatever signals controlling them suddenly came to a stop. I wonder…
FINN:
Must have been the Mayor calling them off.
LARRY:
Damn Mayor. You know, Finn, Westville hasn’t been the same since he was voted in.
FINN:
Yeah. No internet, no way to leave, nothing really nice these days.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
You mean your Mayor has taken away your entire lives and you’ve done nothing?
FINN:
Well, you know. Willpower’s hard. I can’t find it these days.
LARRY:
Yeah. It’s like my brain just doesn’t listen.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Very curious. Come on, I want to get another look at that singing tree. I’ve got a feeling it’s something to do with all of this.
The Doctor, Finn, and Larry walk onwards to the park.
Scene 11: INT: Super Secret Hallway.
Kreig is running quickly back up the hallway, and Stul is following close behind.
KREIG:
(out of breath)
Gotta - find - the - Doctor!
STUL:
(From a distance)
I will tear you apart! I will kill you, I will kill the Doctor, I will kill all of his new little friends, and I will move up and down your timeline and wipe out your entire family history! I will make it known that I, the Great Stul, am not to be trifled with!
Kreig slows down as she reaches the door and exits the Super Secret Hallway.
EXT: Town Outskirts
On the other side of the door, Kreig stands.
KREIG:
(Calling back to him)
Catch me if you can, Mr. Potato Head!
(then quietly)
That definitely sounded better in my head. I should shut the door on him. Good idea, Kreig. Thank you, Kreig .
Kreig uses the sonic screwdriver and the door shuts.
KREIG:
I am so keeping this thing.
The door breaks apart as Stul forces his way through.
STUL:
Did you think I would be so easily halted? Wrong! Prepare to die for the glory of the Sontaran Empire!
KREIG:
Oh come on. I’d rather live, sorry!
Kreig turns and runs off in the direction of the park, with Stul behind.
Scene 12: Center of the Town Park.
Standing at the singing tree, which is currently playing Four Seasons by Vivaldi, Finn and Larry watch as the Doctor pokes around the tree.
LARRY:
I just don’t quite get what you’re trying to do here, Doctor.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I am trying to find the actual speakers in this tree. There must be some sort of sound system inside it.
FINN:
If you insist, Doc. But what good is it gonna do if you do find it?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Finn, if I’m right, and I’m always right, this tree has not simply been playing music for you all, but it has been broadcasting subliminal waves to influence your minds. That’s why nobody cares about what’s wrong with this place, and it’s certainly why you have that inescapable laziness when it comes to matters of infringed rights. No American I know would ever willingly let a person in authority walk over their rights. It’s like the entire meaning of life for an American to have “certain unalienable rights.” Now leave me be!
LARRY:
Now that you talk about it, I don’t think the town’s ever been the same since that tree was planted.
FINN:
Oh that’s true. Sort of where it all went wrong, I suppose.
LARRY:
No, that was the electing of our Mayor.
Distant running can be heard as Kreig and Stul approach.
LARRY:
Speak of the devil, here he comes now.
FINN:
He’s chasing your friend, Doctor.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
He’s what? Oh! Here comes Kreig and - oh my word. That’s a Sontaran!
FINN:
No, that’s the Mayor.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
You elected him? Seriously?
FINN:
It was a convincing campaign.
Kreig reaches the group and Stul comes to a halt in front of them all a moment later.
KREIG:
Doctor! Glad I found you. This is the Mayor, he’s a potato. He says he knows about you and he wants to kill you to get back on good terms with his friends.
The singing tree begins to shut down, so the music begins to fade out, but it takes some time.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
A Sontaran in control of a whole fake town on a spaceship? What for?
KREIG:
Experiments. For some reason, he’s -
STUL:
(interrupting)
I will speak for myself, girl! Now then. Greetings, Doctor. I am Stul of the seventh Sontaran Battle Fleet. I am experimenting on this town so that I may find the perfect method of invading the human race. Once I kill you, I will present my mutant army to High Command, be reinstated, and lead the war on humanity.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, you’re certainly not the brightest Stul in the shed. You just told me your entire plan and I didn’t even have to say anything.
STUL:
It does not matter what information I reveal to you, because you are about to die.
Kreig:
He’s been threatening me all day. I’m still alive.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Really? A Sontaran who can’t follow through with his threats? Curious. And did you say he wasn’t on good terms with his people? I wonder why.
STUL:
Sontaran High Command could not see my scientific vision! I will show them - I will lead them into a new era of glory!
The singing tree has fully stopped playing music now.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Sure thing. But, Larry, Finn, ever since Stul became Mayor, has anyone in this town ever died?
FINN:
Not that I can think of.
LARRY:
Yeah, only injuries. Some very bad, to be sure, but nobody’s ever died.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
A Sontaran on bad terms with his people, kidnaps an entire human population, experiments on them, and yet fails to kill a single one. You know what I think? I think our dear Stul here is too squeamish to kill any living thing. I think the Sontarans kicked him out for being, very secretly, a kind being.
STUL:
(Enraged)
How dare you! I am a Sontaran of the highest honor! I have accomplished the impossible! I have pioneered sciences you could never fathom!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Yes, brilliant creations. Transforming vegetable matter into fully sentient beings certainly takes an incredible mind, which you clearly have. And which you clearly cannot use to harm anything too much. Stul, you’re a good man! A game changer! A true Sontaran pioneer - you know you shouldn’t kill anything and so you don’t. Have you ever? Even once?
STUL:
I - did! Of course! When I - was. Well. Not really. But once again, the human expression is “there’s a first time for everything.” And you, Doctor, will fall prey to my experiments. In fact, I think my human slaves will do the job! Subject Larry, Subject Finn, kill the Doctor!
LARRY:
Why on earth would we do that?
STUL:
My radio tree is specially designed to subjugate your tiny human mind, now kill him!
FINN:
Not happening.
STUL:
What? But all previous tests worked! You must obey me! And the tree!
A pause of silence.
STUL:
The tree has stopped? Impossible!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I’m afraid I found the off switch several minutes ago.
STUL:
No! It can’t be! I am your superior! I order you to kill the Doctor!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Nah. These guys are my friends! We can come to a peaceful solution, Stul. I am a scientist too. You can change the universe for good!
STUL:
I refuse! I am a Sontaran! I will never succumb to the influences of our sworn enemy, no matter what poisonous words you say! I am now returning to my control room to salvage this operation and you will submit or die!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
All these death threats, Stul, they are full of sound and fury - signifying nothing!
KREIG:
Shakespeare. Every single time.
LARRY:
Hey, Finn?
FINN:
Yes, my love?
LARRY:
I say we give him a bit of the old American initiative.
FINN:
I’d agree with you there.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Now, wait a minute. What are you guys planning on -
LARRY:
Get him!
Finn and Larry charge at Stul.
STUL:
Stay back! No! Curse you Doctor - activating emergency retreat!
With a fancy sound effect, Stul teleports away from the others. Finn and Larry walk slowly back.
KREIG:
He’s gone!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Mobile teleport. Of course. A shame.
FINN:
We almost had him.
LARRY:
We were so close!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I admire your enthusiasm, gentleman, but there really was no need. We may have talked reason into him.
FINN:
So, you guys said we’re in space. How do we get back?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Good question. Kreig, hand me my sonic screwdriver. I’ve got things to fix.
KREIG:
I really need a sonic of my own, you know.
Scene 13: INT: Larry’s Kitchen
Some time has passed. The Doctor, Finn, Larry, and Skyler are standing around the TARDIS.
FINN:
Well, then. I suppose you guys are heading out?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Yes, we are. You’ve got nothing to worry about.
LARRY:
What exactly did you do? In simple terms?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I repaired the primary transportation nodes that surround the town and the control that operates them and reversed the polarity of the neutron flow. So, in approximately 6.3 hours, Westville will be transported all the way back to Earth.
LARRY:
I said in simple terms.
KREIG:
Basically, the Doctor made the machine go backwards. When you wake up tomorrow morning, you’ll all be teleported home.
LARRY:
Oh, well that’s alright then. But what about the Mayor?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
According to the station’s scanners, he teleported a good six billion kilometers in a random direction. Without his ship’s resources, he won’t be bothering you again.
LARRY:
Are you going to go find him?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Maybe one day. But I think Kreig would much rather do something relaxing.
KREIG:
Thank god.
FINN:
So this space station is just going to float on forever?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Alas, no. I’ve set up a beacon. The Shadow Proclamation will locate this place and take it apart. That way, Stul’s scientific innovations will be at least salvaged - and in the right hands.
FINN:
The shadow what?
KREIG:
Just smile and nod when he speaks.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well anyway, it was lovely to meet you gentleman. We’d best be off now.
KREIG:
Say goodbye to Claire for us.
LARRY:
Won’t you stay for dinner?
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Well, I don’t know…
FINN:
Please, it’s the least we can do. You saved the whole of Westville!
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
I mean… What do you think, Kreig?
KREIG:
Well, I am a little bit hungry.
THE MYSTERIOUS DOCTOR:
Then we will stay! Let’s just go easy on the greens, alright? I’ve had enough vegetables for one day.
THE END.