Deadshot Mary
Written By Peter C. Scott
PROLOGUE: EXT. MANHATTAN, 1938, MORNING
AMBIENT STREET SOUNDS, CARS, FOOTFALL, ETC. THE DOCTOR AND KRIEG ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET
THE DOCTOR
I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner, I mean,I've read the book, seen the film, and on more than one occasion drunkenly sung the song on karaoke, but I've never actually had Breakfast at Tiffany's.
KREIG
I didn't even know it was a book.
THE DOCTOR
Oh yes, published in 1958, which is a bit in the future so don't go telling anyone about it.
KREIG
(sarcastic)
Don't worry, I'm just gonna bet on a few horse races, you know, pull a Back to the Future 2.
THE DOCTOR
(equally sarcastic)
Well that's okay then.
(back to normal voice)
Come to think of it I have a first edition of Breakfast at
Tiffany's, I should get Capote to sign it next time I drop in
on him. Ahhh, Truman Capote, now there is an eccentric fellow, I can tell you...
KREIG
Doctor, didn't you say Tiffany's was at 727 Fifth Avenue?
THE DOCTOR
Yes.
KREIG
Isn't this 727 Fifth Avenue?
THE DOCTOR
It is... this can't be right, it should be here...
KREIG
You got the date wrong again.
THE DOCTOR
Of course I didn't, there has to be a rational explanation for this.
KREIG
There is, it's called you brought us to the wrong year.
THE DOCTOR
I did not and I can prove it.
KREIG
This should be good.
THE DOCTOR
Humph! Just you watch.
(beat)
Excuse me young man?
NEWSY
Yes sir?
THE DOCTOR
Can you Hand me one of those newspapers?
RUSTLING OF PAPER AS THE NEWSY HANDS A NEWSPAPER TO THE DOCTOR, AND THE SOUND OF THE DOCTOR TOSSING A COIN TO THE BOY.
THE DOCTOR
Keep the change.
NEWSY
Gee, thanks Mister!
KREIG
I bet you $5 we’re in the wrong year.
THE DOCTOR
Well then, I hope you’re ready to hand that money over because the year is…
(beat)
1938… Tiffany's won't be open for another two years.
KREIG
Well, I’m not one to say I told you so.
THE DOCTOR
And now wouldn’t be a good time to start.
KREIG
Fine, fine, but you can give me my $5 when we get back to the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR
(sulking)
Yeah, whatever, and then we can pop a couple years into the future and get breakfast at Tiffany's.
THE DOCTOR AND KREIG WALK OFF DOWN THE SIDEWALK, WE FOLLOW THEIR FOOTSTEPS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE THE dOCTOR STOPS.
THE DOCTOR
Kreig?
KREIG PAUSES AS WELL AND TURNS BACK TO THE DOCTOR.
KREIG
What?
THE DOCTOR
Can you smell that?
KREIG
(sniffs)
Yeah, smells like someone’s been letting off fireworks, yesterday wasn’t the 4th of July was it?
THE DOCTOR
We’d be seeing a lot of leftover bunting if it had been.
(beat)
This isn't fireworks, and I have a sickening feeling that I know what it is. Come on, it's coming from this alleyway.
THE DOCTOR RUNS OFF INTO THE ALLEY, KREIG FOLLOWS A FEW STEPS BEHIND.
KREIG
Doctor, wait.
FOOTSTEPS FOR A COUPLE SECONDS, THEN THEY STOP.
KREIG
Is that…
THE DOCTOR
A dead body, I’m afraid so.
KREIG
He can't be more than twelve or thirteen.
THE DOCTOR
(sigh)
I know.
THE DOCTOR STEPS UP TO THE BODY AND KNEELS DOWN.
KREIG
What are you doing?
THE DOCTOR
It's that burning smell, I have a nasty suspicion that I know how this young man died, but I have to be sure.
KREIG
Shouldn't we leave this for the police?
THE DOCTOR
Normally I'd say yes, except if my suspicions are correct, he was killed by a projected energy weapon.
KREIG
But we're in 1938.
THE DOCTOR
Exactly, that kind of technology shouldn't exist for…
A HANDGUN IS COCKED.
MARY
Okay you two, step away from the body.
OPENING TITLES
SCENE ONE: EXT. MANHATTAN ALLEY WAY, 1938, MORNING
MARY
I said step away from the body, and put your hands where I can see them.
THE DOCTOR
(sigh)
Better do as she says.
KREIG
Agreed.
THEY STEP AWAY FROM THE BODY.
MARY
Thank you, now, before I escort you to the station, why don't you tell me what happened?
THE DOCTOR
Wait, are you a police officer?
MARY
I'm Detective Mary Shanley with the…
THE DOCTOR
Mary Shanley? Wait, the Mary Shanley? Deadshot Mary?
KREIG
Who?
THE DOCTOR
One of the first women in the NYPD to reach the rank of Detective First Grade, an undercover sleuth extraordinaire who arrested countless pickpockets, she's brilliant!
MARY
People don't normally compliment me when I'm arresting them.
THE DOCTOR
Of course not, that would be weird, so it's a good thing you're not arresting us.
MARY
Wait, get away, what are you doing?
THE DOCTOR
Shaking your hand, I'm The Doctor by the way.
MARY
I'm holding a gun.
THE DOCTOR
A handshake is better than a gun, also, this is Kreig, he's my best friend.
MARY
I'm arresting you.
THE DOCTOR
Of course you're not, why would you? We haven't done anything.
MARY
I found you standing over that poor boy's body.
KREIG
We just found him, the kid was already de…
(sighs)
I mean, he was already like that.
MARY
Well, I have back up on the way, so we will soon see.
THE DOCTOR
Backup, how did you call for backup? Portable police radios haven't been invented yet?
MARY
Portable what? Listen, I was working my beat with my niece…
KREIG
Your niece?
THE DOCTOR
She'll sometimes bring her niece along when she is cruising around department stores and looking out for shoplifters, helps her to blend in as a typical shopper.
KREIG
Oh I see.
MARY
As I was saying, I sent my niece to get backup when I saw two people in strange clothes walking into an alley.
KREIG
And once again your argument that we don’t need to dress to blend in falls on its face.
THE DOCTOR
I've walked around Pompeii in a duster coat given to me by Janis Joplin, I think the 1930's can handle your Jurassic park t-shirt.
(beat)
Hang on, you said you followed us into the alley?
MARY
Yes.
THE DOCTOR
There you have it then, you were right behind us, so if we'd done this, you'd have seen us do it.
MARY
That's a good point, but you two still need to wait and make statements when my backup gets here.
THE DOCTOR
Fair enough.
KREIG
(sigh)
So much for breakfast.
SCENE TWO: INT. MANHATTAN, A DINER, A COUPLE OF HOURS LATER.
OUR DUO ARE NOW IN A DINER, WE CAN HEAR A FEW OTHER CUSTOMERS EATING, SOUNDS OF THE KITCHEN IN THE BACKGROUND, A JUKEBOX IS PLAYING 'MY ANGEL PUT THE DEVIL IN ME' (THE SONG FROM DALEKS IN MANHATTAN, BUT ANY 1930'S SONG WILL WORK IF YOU WANNA CHANGE IT).
KREIG
(reading from newspaper)
'In more than seven years on the police force, Miss Shanley
has had considerable experience with man-catching. Sometimes she has had to use her .32-caliber revolver. Once she used her leather pocketbook to knock down her quarry...'
KREIG PUTS DOWN THE NEWSPAPER
KREIG
So that's the lady we met earlier?
THE DOCTOR
One and the same, she's quite the local celebrity in this time, hence the newspaper article.
A WAITRESS WALKS UP.
WAITRESS
Heyo, do you know what you'd like to eat?
KREIG
I'll have a cheeseburger and fries thanks.
WAITRESS
How’d you like your burger cooked?
KREIG
Well done please.
WAITRESS
Alright, and what about you sugar?
THE DOCTOR
I'll have the pancake stack please.
WAITRESS
That's no problem sugar.
(shouts)
Hey Sal, we need another hockey puck and fries, and a Jayne Mansfield stack for table 16!
(back to normal)
And would you two be having anything to drink?
KREIG
I'll have a coke please.
THE DOCTOR
Don't suppose you have any tea?
WAITRESS
Fresh out sugar, got the best cup-a-joe this side of the Hudson though.
THE DOCTOR
That'll be lovely thanks, with cream and sugar?
WAITRESS
One hot blonde in the sand, you got it.
THE WAITRESS WALKS AWAY.
KREIG
Hockey puck? Hot blonde in the sand?
THE DOCTOR
Diner lingo, practically its own language, but still technically English so the TARDIS doesn't translate it.
KREIG
Interesting, anyway, I’m just glad to finally be getting some food.
THE DOCTOR
I know, I didn't think they'd question us for that long.
KREIG
I noticed you kept coy about the raygun.
THE DOCTOR
What was I meant to say, 'yes officer, just like the ones in the Flash Gordon comics'?
KREIG
Doctor, there's someone running around 1930's Manhattan with a space gun, and I know you too well to know that we’re just going to ignore it.
THE DOCTOR
Right you are.
KREIG
So it’s a little investigation of our own then?
THE DOCTOR
Correctamundo!
KREIG
Great, so what do we do first?
THE DOCTOR
After lunch you mean?
KREIG
Obviously.
THE DOCTOR
First we wait here, we need a little local help, so I invited a friend to help us.
KREIG
A friend?
JUST AS KREIG FINISHED THE WORD FRIEND, THE DINER DOOR OPENS, A LITTLE BELL ABOVE IT RINGS, MARY HAS ENTERED.
KREIG
Deadshot Mary has just walked in.
THE DOCTOR
Exactly, she’s the friend.
(Calling across the diner)
Over here.
MARY WALKS OVER AND TAKES A SEAT.
MARY
I must admit, I don't make a habit of joining suspects for lunch.
KREIG
But we're not suspects anymore.
MARY
True enough.
THE DOCTOR
So, what did the police find out when they examined the body?
MARY
I can't tell you that!
THE DOCTOR
That's okay, because I already know, they can't figure out what caused his death, but they could see a bad burn on his skin, right?
MARY
They said it might have been a cattle prod.
THE DOCTOR
This wasn't a cattle prod Mary.
MARY
Then what was it?
KREIG
A ray gun.
MARY
What? Like from a comic book?
THE DOCTOR
Except, this one isn't just ink on a page.
KREIG
It's very much real.
MARY
This is nonsense, you two must be joking.
THE DOCTOR
I'm afraid not, you see, me and Kreig here are part of a secret arm of the Army, The X-Files, we investigate the strange and unusual.
MARY
I don't believe it.
THE DOCTOR
Here's our credentials.
THE DOCTOR TAKES OUT HIS PSYCHIC PAPER.
MARY
I still don’t think I can believe this.
KREIG
You might have to show her your screwdriver Doctor.
MARY
Screwdriver?
THE DOCTOR TAKES OUT HIS SONIC SCREWDRIVER.
THE DOCTOR
Good idea.
MARY
What is that?
SONIC SCREWDRIVER BUZZES, ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT.
MARY
The lights!
WAITRESS
Dammit Sal! Did you forget to pay the electric bill again?
SONIC SCREWDRIVER BUZZES AGAIN, THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON.
WAITRESS (Continues)
Ah never mind, they've come back on. How are you getting on with those orders?
MARY
That was incredible.
THE DOCTOR
Now we don't show this off to just anyone.
MARY
Then why show it to me?
KREIG
We need a little help.
THE DOCTOR
From someone who knows the local area a bit better.
MARY
Why not talk to the chief of police?
THE DOCTOR
The less people that know the better.
KREIG
It's easier if we keep it off the books.
MARY
I understand, all the Washington stuff has to be kept hush hush.
(beat)
But why me? I just work the anti-pickpocket beat.
THE DOCTOR
Oh we know, but I can see it in your eyes, you can't look the other way, you want to see justice done, and I get the feeling you don't always want to leave it to the men.
MARY
Well, you certainly have my number Doctor, how can I help?
KREIG
We believe what happened this morning was a mugging gone wrong.
THE DOCTOR
Gone very wrong, so we are hoping you may have any leads we can follow?
MARY
Hmmmm... Fish-hooks!
KREIG
Did you say fish hooks?
MARY
Remmy Swinburne, better known by the moniker Fish-hooks, he's a low level crime boss, a real cad of a man. You can often find him fixing boxing matches and running protection rackets.
KREIG
And you think he's our guy?
MARY
Not at all, but the stinker has a team of pickpockets and muggers working for him.
THE DOCTOR
Excellent, as soon as lunch is over, we'll pay Mr. Fish-hooks a visit.
SCENE THREE: EXT. SILVERS BAR, AN HOUR LATER
THIS IS A QUIETER PART OF TOWN, BUT SOME SOUND CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE, SUCH AS CAR'S, ETC.
KREIG
I’ve been to my share of dive bars, Doctor, and I can honestly say this is the worst dive bar I’ve ever seen.
THE DOCTOR
I've seen worse.
KREIG
Why doesn't that surprise me?
MARY
Silver's may look like any of the other dive bars in Manhattan, but this one is owned by Fish-hooks, and his office is in the back.
THE DOCTOR
Excellent, let’s head in everyone.
INT. SILVERS BAR, SAME TIME
FX: A BELL ABOVE THE DOOR RINGS AS OUR TRIO ENTER SILVERS.
THE DOCTOR
(singing the Cheers theme)
Sometimes you want to go,
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came,
You want to be where you...
KREIG
Seriously Doctor, what is the singing in aid of?
THE DOCTOR
Just showing how friendly we are, I find people are more agreeable when they know how friendly you are.
KREIG
I can't tell if you're taking the piss or not.
MARY
Considering we're the only people in here, I don't think it really matters.
(shouting)
Is there a barman in the house, or are we expected to pour our own drinks?
HARRI (O.S.)
Hold your horses, I'm coming.
KREIG
Your strategy was good, hers was better.
THE DOCTOR
(grumbling)
Agree to disagree.
THE BARMAN STEPS INTO THE ROOM.
HARRI
Alright, what would you folks... Oh no, it's you.
MARY
Good afternoon Harri, how are you?
HARRI
Hey, you know the boss don't like you stickin' your nose in round 'ere.
MARY
Nonsense, me and Fish-hooks are good friends, and in the spirit of that friendship I thought I would pop in for a quick chat.
HARRI
Yeah, and who's that you got with you?
THE DOCTOR
I'm the Doctor.
KREIG
I'm Kreig.
THE DOCTOR
He’s my best friend.
KREIG
Now, are you going to get some beers and ask your boss for a chat?
THE DOCTOR
Make mine a ginger beer please.
KREIG
Something a bit stronger for myself, and you Mary?
MARY
Oh I wouldn't trust any of the drinks in this dive, not ever that water.
THE DOCTOR
That's a shame.
KREIG
Indeed.
HARRI
Okay, listen, you three have to get the hell out of here, before…
A DOOR OPENS, INTERRUPTING HARRI, FISH-HOOKS STEPS THROUGH.
FISH-HOOKS
(Sounding worn out)
It's okay Harri, they can come through to my office.
HARRI
You sure boss?
FISH-HOOKS
Yeah, it's okay.
FISH-HOOKS DISSIPATERS BACK THROUGH THE DOOR.
HARRI
Well you head the man, his office is just through there.
THE DOCTOR
Much obliged.
MARY
Thank you.
KREIG
Come on, before he changes his mind.
ALL THREE WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND ENTER FISH-HOOKS OFFICE.
FISH-HOOKS
Take a seat, and help yourselves to some whiskey, this is the good stuff, not the swill I sell on the bar.
THE DOCTOR
I'm okay, thanks.
KREIG
Thanks.
KREIG POURS HIMSELF A DRINK AND TAKES A SIP.
KREIG
That is the good stuff.
MARY
If you are quite done. We want to speak with you about...
A LOUD CLUNK AS FISH-HOOKS PLACES A RAY GUN ON HIS DESK.
FISH-HOOKS
About this I presume?
MARY
I don't believe it.
KREIG
That’s a big gun.
THE DOCTOR
That confirms all my suspicions.
FISH-HOOKS
Take it.
MARY
What?
FISH-HOOKS
Take the damn thing, I never want to see it again!
MARY
Why are you being so cooperative Swinburne?
FISH-HOOKS
I work to a code, and it's one all my boys follow, and the number one rule is you don't hurt kids, men, women, even little old ladies, but never kids. One of my boys broke that rule this morning, with this damned thing.
THE DOCTOR
We're happy to take it off your hands, is it your only one?
FISH-HOOKS
Yeah, they said if I liked it I could buy more.
MARY
More?
KREIG
Where did you get it?
FISH-HOOKS
A guy, calls himself the Arms- Dealer, he's been traveling the country, setting up these secret auctions and selling off strange weapons to the highest bidder.
MARY
And that's where you got this?
FISH-HOOKS
No, this was a gift, he gave it to me with an invitation to tonight's auction, it was a free sample of sorts.
KREIG
Do you still have the invitation?
MARY
Why?
THE DOCTOR
So that we can get in.
FISH-HOOKS
I'll give you my invitations if you promise to shut them down!
SCENE FIVE - INT. DEPARTMENT STORE, A LITTLE WHILE LATER. MARY AND KREIG ARE USHERING THE DOCTOR INTO A FITTING
THE DOCTOR
I don't understand why I can't just wear my normal clothes, I’m already wearing a suit!
MARY
Yes, but it's not the kind of suit one would wear to a fancy party, and judging by the invitation, this evening will be quite the party.
KREIG
Exactly, now get into the changing room.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, okay.
(mumbling to himself)
It seems no matter what incarnation I'm in, no one can recognize my sartorial elegance.
THE DOCTOR ENTERS THE FITTING ROOM.
KREIG
You know, I doubt he actually has the money to pay for this.
MARY
I've caught over a dozen shoplifters in this store, so they owe me a favor, the favor can be a suit.
KREIG
(chuckles)
Fair enough. Mary, why are you going along with us? You said before that this isn't your normal beat.
MARY
Are you kidding, I haven't had this much fun in years, besides, I have a young niece, I want those weapons off the street.
KREIG
Yeah, that’s a good reason to help us.
THE DOCTOR EXITS THE FITTING ROOM.
THE DOCTOR
Now don't laugh.
KREIG
Of course not, you actually look quite swanky.
THE DOCTOR
Really?
MARY
Yes, you scrub up very nicely Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Oh, well, maybe the suit isn't so bad.
SCENE SIX: EXT. WAREHOUSE ON THE DOCKS, EVENING
IT'S MOSTLY QUIET, WE CAN HEAR THE SPLASH OF WATER IS THE DISTANCE AND THE WIND.
THE DOCTOR
They're actually holding their secret auction in a wear-house on the docks.
KREIG
I thought this kinda stuff only happened in the movies.
THE DOCTOR
Life imitating art?
KREIG
Or art imitating life?
THE DOCTOR
Or both.
KREIG
Please don’t say wibbly wobbly again.
THE DOCTOR
I wasn't going to say it, I was going to say... Ummm…
KREIG
Doctor.
THE DOCTOR
Timey wimey.
Kreig
God damnit.
(sighs)
Anyway, are we heading in?
THE DOCTOR
As soon as Mary gets back.
KREIG
Speak of the devil.
MARY WALKS UP.
MARY
A couple of night watchmen, but I don't think they were gangsters, I expected a few mafia men around.
THE DOCTOR
I guess they like to keep a low profile.
KREIG
So, do we head in?
THE DOCTOR
Does a mall babe eat chili fries?
KREIG
What?
MARY
I think it's his version of doing a bear sh…
THE DOCTOR
Yes! Yes we are heading inside!
THE TRIO WALK UP TO THE WAREHOUSE.
KREIG
I guess we just knock.
THE DOCTOR
I guess so.
THREE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, IT OPENS AND A MAN IS STANDING THERE.
DOORMAN
Password.
THE DOCTOR
Swordfish!
DOORMAN
(grunts)
Okay then, let's see your invitation.
THE DOCTOR
Here you are.
THE DOCTOR HANDS OVER THE INVITATIONS.
DOORMAN
Okay, it's the elevator in the back.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you.
DOORMAN
And take these, put 'em on!
THE DOCTOR
Domino masks?
DOORMAN
We're fans of anonymity here.
KREIG
But, these things are so small, they wouldn't hide any one's identity?
MARY
I think we should do as he says.
THE DOCTOR
I agree, now come on all, elevator in the back, yeah?
DOORMAN
Yeah.
THE THREE WALK TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM AND INTO THE ELEVATOR, WE HEAD THE OLD STYLE SHUTTER CLOSE.
KREIG
How did you know the password?
THE DOCTOR
I didn't, that was a joke, I can't believe that was the real password.
KREIG
A joke?
THE DOCTOR
It's from a movie.
MARY
(in a fake Italian accent)
You can't come in here unless you say "swordfish."
KREIG
What?
MARY
Horse Feathers, it's a Marx Brothers film.
THE DOCTOR
Don't worry Kreig, after this we’ll have a movie night.
SCENE SEVEN: INT. THE ARMS-DEALER'S OFFICE, SAME TIME
THE ARMS-DEALER AND HIS ASSISTANT, FLEM, ARE IN HIS OFFICE WATCHING SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE GUESTS ARRIVING AT THE AUCTION
FLEM
Sir, we have three new customers tonight.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Where are they Flem?
FLEM
Screen six sir, they've just stepped out of the elevator.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Hmmm, I don't know them... no wait, the larger woman, she looks familiar.
FLEM
It's Mary Shanley, she's the police, though I don't understand what she's doing here, she deals with pickpockets and thieves.
THE ARMS-DEALER
You seem well informed about her.
FLEM
There was a story about her in this morning's Times.
THE ARMS-DEALER
I see, and what of her companions?
FLEM
No one I recognise, sir, but I'll scan them and see what it says.
A FEW BEEPS AND BOOPS AS FLEM ACTIVATES THE SCANNER.
FLEM
Sir, these results.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Now that is interesting.
SCENE EIGHT: INT. MAFIA SPEAKEASY BELOW THE WAREHOUSE, SAME
THE DOCTOR AND CO MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH A SWANKY CLUB, WE CAN HEAR OTHER PATRONS, DRINKING AND MAKING CHIT CHAT.
KREIG
What is this place?
THE DOCTOR
I think it's a speakeasy.
MARY
A speakeasy? But prohibition ended years ago!
THE DOCTOR
Yes, but if you had a club this swanky would you really let it go to waste?
MARY
I suppose I wouldn't.
KREIG
There's certainly a lot of people here.
THE DOCTOR
A lot of guards too, and I'm all too familiar with the guns they're holding.
MARY
They look like Tommy guns, but different.
THE DOCTOR
Dalek enhanced Tommy guns, even more deadly than the weapon we took from Fish-Hooks earlier.
KREIG
I don’t like the thought of that.
MARY
I recognise a lot of these faces, it seems every villain in New York City is here, from common crooks to the five families.
THE DOCTOR
I suppose they were made an offer they couldn't refuse.
MARY
What?
THE DOCTOR
Never mind, just an anachronistic slip of the tongue.
MARY
Is he always like this?
KREIG
Oh yeah, he's fluent in riddles.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you Kreig, how about you go get us some drinks, rather than standing here insulting me, the bars over there.
KREIG
Okay, sure thing.
KREIG BEGINS TO WALK OFF.
DOCTOR
Kreig?
KREIG STOPS.
KREIG
What?
THE DOCTOR
You need to take our orders first.
A BRIEF SOUND OF STATIC AS A TANNOY SYSTEM COMES ON.
FLEM (O.S.)
Would you all take your seats, the auction is about to begin.
MARY
They're all heading for that door over there.
THE DOCTOR
Come on Mary, let's get our seats.
KREIG
What about me?
THE DOCTOR
Grab out drinks then meet us there.
KREIG
Seriously?
THE DOCTOR
Seriously. So here's some local currency and off you pop.
THE DOCTOR HANDS KREIG SOME DOLLAR BILLS.
MARY
Come on Doctor, we don't want to miss the show.
THE DOCTOR
Right you are Mary.
THE DOCTOR AND MARY HEAD OFF THROUGH THE DOOR.
KREIG
Cheeky dag!
KREIG WALKS OVER TO THE BAR.
KREIG
Three pints of whatever beer you have.
BARTENDER
Money first, thank you sir.
KREIG
Here.
BARTENDER
Thank you, oh, I think this is your shopping list mixed in with the bills sir.
KREIG
What?
BARTENDER
I'll get you those drinks.
KREIG
Did the Doctor slip me a note?
THE DOCTOR
(narration as Kreig reads the note)
Hey Kreig, I'm sorry I was so rude, but I suspect the masks we're wearing may be bugged, so I didn't want to risk saying too much out loud. The reason I sent you to the bar is because I want one of us to stay outside the auction room in case things start to go south. Stay out there and keep an eye on things, but be inconspicuous. Stay safe. From the Doctor. PS, don't worry if anyone else gets their hand on this note, it's a new type of psychic paper I've been working on, only you can see the letter, anyone else will just see a shopping list. PSS, remind me to get milk.
KREIG
(checkles)
You sneaky genius Doctor.
SCENE NINE: INT. AUCTION ROOM, SAME TIME
THE DOCTOR AND MARY HAVE TAKEN THEIR SEATS, WE CAN HEAR VARIOUS OTHERS TAKING THEIR SEATS.
MARY
I think it's about to begin, Doctor.
THE MURMURING FROM THE CROWD DIES DOWN AS A MAN WALKS ONTO STAGE.
THE DOCTOR
Well he has a better mask, it actually covers his whole face.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Welcome, welcome, one and all, we have some delightful items for you all tonight, from a Sycorax electric whip, to the Teal Hunter's actual plasma pistol, so I hope you brought those fat wallets.
A FEW CHUCKLES FROM THE CROWD.
THE ARMS-DEALER
But I'd like to begin by showing you an item I consider rather special. Now, this may not look like much, but this little toy holds a lot of power, observe.
THE ARMS DEALER PRESSES A BUTTON ON THE ITEM, THERE IS A BEEPING NOISE.
THE DOCTOR
(groaning)
I... I can't move…
THE ARMS-DEALER
Now this one doesn't kill, or even wound, what it does do is stop a person, freezing them in place, unable to move.
THE DOCTOR
Why?
THE ARMS-DEALER
You'll all note the masks I made you wear, they read your body, tell me things, little things, like who's secretly wearing a wig, or who has fillings in their teeth, or who's not human.
MARY
Doctor... I can't move either...
THE ARMS-DEALER
And it also works on more than one person at a time. Guards, take these two to my office, I'll see to them after the auction.
SCENE TEN: INT. THE BAR, SAME TIME
KREIG IS PEEKING THROUGH THE DOOR INTO THE AUCTION ROOM.
KREIG
Dammit Doctor, even you don't normally get captured this quickly.
A GUARD WALKS UP.
GUARD
You can go in, you know.
KREIG
What?
GUARD
The auction room Sir, you can go in, you don't have to peek through the crack in the door.
KREIG
Oh right, I was just about too, but... umm, could you tell me where the dunny’s are?
GUARD
The what?
KREIG
Sorry, the toilets.
GUARD
Oh, of course, Sir, it's right down that corridor.
KREIG
Thank you.
KREIG WALKS OFF RIGHT BEFORE THE GUARDS RADIO SPEAKS.
FLEM
(on radio)
Attention all guards, there’s a young man with blond hair and a blue suit in the bar, he needs to be captured and taken to the bosses office right away.
GUARD
Ah crap, where did he go?
THE GUARD RUNS OFF IN SEARCH OF Kreig.
SCENE ELEVEN: INT. THE ARMS-DEALER'S OFFICE, SAME TIME
THE ARMS-DEALER ENTERS, THE DOCTOR AND MARY ARE TIED TO CHAIRS.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Well that went well.
FLEM
Indeed sir, we made a tidy profit tonight.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Excellent, but before we celebrate, we have a couple of loose ends to tie up.
FLEM
I'm afraid they're already tied up sir.
THE DOCTOR
Oh ha ha, I get it, because we're tied to chairs, very droll.
MARY
Don't antagonize them Doctor!
THE ARMS-DEALER
Oh no antagonize away, I love seeing a Time Agent lose his cool.
THE DOCTOR
Untie me and I'll show you what losing my cool really means!
THE ARMS-DEALER
I think not, you're going to stay right there and answer my questions, but first.
THE ARMS-DEALER SNAPS HIS FINGERS.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Flem, search his pockets.
FLEM BEGINS TO GO THROUGH THE PRISONERS POCKETS.
THE DOCTOR
That'll take you a while, I have a lot in my pockets.
FLEM PULLS VARIOUS THINGS OUT OF THE DOCTORS POCKETS AND PLACES THEM ON THE DESK.
THE ARMS-DEALER
My my, you certainly carry a lot of junk with you.
THE DOCTOR
I believe in always having whatever I need on me at any time.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Including three bags of candy, a half eaten twinkie and some jammie dodgers.
THE DOCTOR
Are you about to tell us you deal in sweets as well as guns... hey, stop that, those are my jelly babies.
THE ARMS-DEALER POPS ONE A JELLY BABY INTO HIS MOUTH.
THE ARMS-DEALER
And they're ever so good.
THE DOCTOR
(grumbles)
THE ARMS-DEALER
Anything interesting in her pockets Flem?
FLEM
Pistol, standard police issue.
THE ARMS-DEALER
I see, then this woman doesn't interest me, let her go.
FLEM
Really boss? What if she blabs?
THE ARMS-DEALER
Who would believe her?
(chuckle)
She's no threat to us, she's no value to us either, unlike this gentleman.
FLEM
Okay, you heard the man, get out of here.
WE HEAR FLEM CUTTING MARY'S BONDS.
FLEM
Get out of here, I'll walk you to the door.
MARY
Doctor?
THE DOCTOR
It's okay Mary, go, I'll be okay.
MARY
Okay.
WE HEAR FLEM ESCORTING MARY OUT.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Now we're alone, mister?
THE DOCTOR
Doctor.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Mr. Doctor, allow me to introduce myself, I'm the Arms-Dealer.
THE DOCTOR
Is that your title or name?
THE ARMS-DEALER
Both.
THE DOCTOR
So, what's your game, bringing alien weapons to Earth and selling them off to the highest bidder.
THE ARMS-DEALER
I won't explain to you what you already know, you're not the first Time Agent to come after me.
THE DOCTOR
Yes, I clocked the Vortex Manipulator on your wrist.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Do you like it? Taken from your predecessor.
THE DOCTOR
Cheap and nasty time travel if you ask me, the Time Agency have no style.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Hmmm, so you’re not a Time Agent?
THE DOCTOR
Not at all, but once you accused me of being one, I decided to play along, to see if you let slip that it's also future technology you're bringing here, and you did.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Very clever, I presume you're from the Shadow Proclamation then?
THE DOCTOR
Not quite, but I'll be calling them as soon as I escape.
THE ARMS-DEALER
(laughs)
Well you are a cocky one, so don't keep me in suspense, Mr. Doctor, who do you work for?
THE DOCTOR
I don't really work for anyone, but my people often take a dim view of people who so casually disrupt the timeline.
THE ARMS-DEALER
What can I say, my benefactors enjoy a little chronological
chaos.
THE DOCTOR
And who are your benefactors?
THE ARMS-DEALER
Answer a couple of questions and I might tell you?
THE DOCTOR
Sure, go on then?
THE ARMS-DEALER
First, who are your people?
THE DOCTOR
The Time Lords.
THE ARMS-DEALER
(laughs)
Mr. Doctor, I have met Time Lords, and none of them acted like you. Okay, so you're not going to tell me, fine, tell me about this instead?
THE ARMS-DEALER PICKS SOMETHING OFF THE TABLE.
THE DOCTOR
My sonic screwdriver?
SCENE TWELVE: INT. CORRIDOR IN THE SPEAKEASY, SAME TIME
FLEM IS ESCORTING MARY, HE SHOVES HER IN THE BACK.
MARY
Ow, don't push me young man!
FLEM
Or what? What are you going to do to me?
MARY
Punch you in the jaw.
FLEM
I'd like to see you AHHHH!
THERE IS A SOUND LIKE A QUICK ELECTRIC SHOCK AND FLEM FALLS OVER.
KREIG
Oh my god, did I kill him?
MARY
No, he's only knocked out, how in heaven's name did you do that?
KREIG
I sneaked backstage and grabbed a few of the items, I umm, used this electric wip thing.
MARY
Interesting, what else did you get?
KREIG
Umm, this, I think it’s a ray gun, the label says it’s non-lethal.
MARY
Can I have that?
KREIG
Sure, take it, I didn’t really want to shoot anyone anyway.
MARY
Thank you, now let's go save the Doctor.
THEY RUN OFF DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
SCENE THIRTEEN: INT. THE ARMS-DEALER'S OFFICE, SAME TIME
THE ARMS-DEALER
Fascinating, so this little device can do all that?
THE DOCTOR
And more.
THE ARMS-DEALER
This technology is beyond anything I have ever seen before, perhaps you are a Time Lord.
THE DOCTOR
Okay, so I've told you what you want to know, now tell me who your benefactor is?
THE ARMS-DEALER
Alright, you see, I work for…
THE DOOR SWINGS OPEN AND MARY AND KREIG BREAK IN.
MARY
Hold it right there!
THE ARMS-DEALER
Fools, guards, get in here!
(beat)
Guards?
KREIG
I found a stun gun, and Mary here is a very good shot, I don't think we missed a single one.
MARY
You're complimenting me too much, it's easy when they all decide to have a drink in the bar, you need a better staff.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Well done, but mine is bigger.
WE HEAR A MECHANICAL SOUND AS THE ARMS-DEALER REVEALS HE HAS a CYBERMAN ARM.
KREIG
He has a robotic arm!
THE DOCTOR
A cyberman arm!
THE ARMS-DEALER
And it comes with its own built in armaments.
ANOTHER MECHANICAL SOUND AS THE GUN COMES OUT OF HIS ARM.
THE ARMS-DEALER
And unlike yours, mine is very deadly.
THE DOCTOR
Stand down Mary.
MARY
But?
THE DOCTOR
He could easily kill one of us before you can stun him, the risk is too high.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Smart man.
MARY
Hell!
KREIG
Do we put our hands up now?
THE ARMS-DEALER
No need, because I have what I need now, a sufficiently advanced piece of technology, this screwdriver of yours, Mr. Doctor, will set me up for life, more than this operation ever could.
THE DOCTOR
It's just the Doctor, stop calling me Mister!
THE ARMS-DEALER
Okay, The Doctor, now this is what's going to happen...
FLEM SUDDENLY COMES CRASHING INTO THE ROOM AND TACKLES MARY
FLEM
I’ll get you!
MARY
What? Get off me you…
THE ARMS-DEALER
Flem!
FLEM AND MARY TUMBLE TO THE FLOOR
KREIG
Hey, get off her!
THE DOCTOR
Stay back Kreig, Mary’s still holding the…
THE STUN GUN GOES OFF, HITTING THE ARMS-DEALER IN HIS CYBORG ARM.
THE ARMS-DEALER
Ahhhh!
KREIG
Bullseye!
THE DOCTOR
It only hit him in the cyber arm.
KREIG
He still looks like he's in pain, I don't think he can shoot it now.
THE DOCTOR
But he can still use his vortex...
THE ARMS-DEALER TELEPORTS AWAY WITH HIS VORTEX MANIPULATOR.
KREIG
He's gone!
THE DOCTOR
With my sonic.
THE STUN GUN GOES OFF AGAIN.
FLEM.
(in pain)
Not... again...
FLEM FALLS TO THE FLOOR.
MARY
(panting)
Just my luck, a handsome young man throws himself at me, and he's a horrid little toe rag.
(chuckles)
SCENE FOURTEEN:EXT. WAREHOUSE ON THE DOCKS, MORNING
THE THREE EXIT THE WEAR-HOUSE.
KREIG
I can't believe it's already morning.
MARY
We shouldn't leave all those villains down there.
THE DOCTOR
There's not much else we can do, once I've called in the Time Agency, they'll teleport all the alien weapons off Earth, then what will you arrest those men for?
MARY
You could leave one of those guns as evidence.
THE DOCTOR
No, I'm not leaving something like that behind, you're not ready for it.
(beat)
MARY
You two, you're not really from the X-Files are you?
THE DOCTOR
Not really, no.
MARY
Who are you?
THE DOCTOR
Friends who step in and help when things get out of hand.
MARY
Whatever that means.
KREIG
Adventures in time and space.
MARY
Still over my head, but Perhaps that's best, this has been the wildest night of my life, but I dare not tell anyone about it, they'll think I'm mad.
THE DOCTOR
You can still live in the knowledge that you got those guns off the streets.
MARY
Yes, that is a comforting thought, thank you Doctor,Kreig.
THE DOCTOR
Thank you.
FADE OUT/IN
EPILOGUE: INT. TARDIS, LATER
AMBIENT TARDIS NOISES, THE DOCTOR IS FLICKING SWITCHES AND PRESSING BUTTONS ON THE CONSOLE.
KREIG
Any luck?
THE DOCTOR
No, the Arms-Dealer must have modified his vortex manipulator, even the TARDIS can't track where he went.
KREIG
Crap, and he has your sonic screwdriver.
THE DOCTOR
I told him what it does, but not how to use it, if we're lucky he's never going to figure it out.
KREIG
And if he does?
THE DOCTOR
Then may Rassilon forgive me for my sins.
THE END.