This site doesn't go into dating advice, with this article being a semi-exception. Over the years several women have written me to tell me reading this site has helped them understand the actions of a shy guy they were pursuing. With that in mind I thought I'd try to be even more helpful and write a whole article outlining what it's like to be a man who's really shy and inexperienced with women. At the end I give a few thoughts on what to do if there's a shy guy in your life you're interested in.
Combined, the points below describe a guy who's really, really inhibited and awkward around women. Not all shy men deal with issues that intense or will have every characteristic apply to them. As with all the other writing on this site, the points here are from a mix of my own experience and accounts I've come across of how shy men say they think.
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I'll break this down further below, but their central problem is that they're just really anxious, scared, and inhibited around women. Almost all men get a little nervous when they have to ask a woman out, make a move to kiss her, or even talk to her for the first time. But when a guy is really shy his nervousness is at a level where it usually prevents him from doing any of those things. It's legitimately strong, not something where they can just take a deep breath and push through. Sometimes this nervousness shows up as the physical symptoms of anxiety. At other times it's more of a powerful, paralyzing hesitation. Like they know how they want to act, but it's like an invisible force field is preventing them from doing so.
This could mean feeling too anxious to start a conversation with an attractive stranger they've just noticed at a party. It can also be longer term. Some shy guys, especially younger ones, have had a crush on someone for years and have never worked up the nerve to talk to her. The occasional time that someone they fancy talks to them first they often get too flustered, and the resulting brief conversation consists of some stuttered half-coherent answers on their part.
That's not to say a shy guy won't sometimes be able to chat to someone he's into, but it's relatively rare. Sometimes they just won't get nervous around her for whatever mysterious reason. At other time they can force themselves to do it, but they're a total mess inside the whole time.
One problem that can plague shyer guys is that sometimes their nervousness doesn't appear when they first meet a woman, but comes back to bite them soon after. Initially they manage to come off as calm and charming and make a good impression, but then fall apart when the stakes get higher. The reason is that when they first run into that woman she's new and they haven't had time to overthink things and develop any nervous feelings for her. They'll come away from the interaction feeling excited and optimistic about where things may lead.
However, now they have a reason to feel pressured and jittery around her, and that's exactly what happens. The scenario then goes in one of the following directions: He's too nervous to talk to her again He does talk to her, but is such a withdrawn, obvious wreck that she's not interested He talks to her, but is too nervous to be himself, ends up acting like a goofball, and shoots himself in the foot He's so nervous that at that immediate moment escaping the anxious symptoms takes precedence over anything else, and he acts rude, odd, aloof to purposely sabotage his chance
This 'setting them up, but not following through' scenario can happen to different degrees. The first is when a guy simply sees a woman around a few times and makes confident eye contact with her. She seems attracted and intrigued and like she's waiting for him to approach her. He sees this, gets nervous, and never conjures up the guts to speak to her.
Another variation is when a guy runs into a woman, say because he randomly sits beside her in a lecture, chats to her for a bit, and comes off well. She seems interested. Enter the pressure. He can't work up the nerve to talk to her another time. A third scenario might be something more drawn-out, like a guy has a few conversations with a woman he never really thought of as more than someone friendly to talk to. He notices she seems like she's becoming attracted to him, and he blows things soon after.
Sometimes a guy will be able to talk to a woman he's interested in, often because the circumstances put them together so the onus wasn't on him to approach anyone. If he likes someone he'll often feel too nervous to ask her out and face the awkwardness and risk of rejection that entails. He may never invite her on a date, or put it off so long that by the time he does the moment has passed.
Even with all of the above stacked against him, a shyer, inexperienced guy will sometimes have enough things go his way that he'll end up in a position where he's alone with a woman and has a chance to "make a move" (e.g., kiss her, put his arm around her, etc.). Unsurprisingly, they're really nervous and hesitant about this as well. Same general discomfort and risk of rejection.
He may have a blatant, all-systems-go opportunity where the woman is clearly interested, but he can't manage to go through with it. There he is, sitting on a couch watching a movie with his date when the credits start to roll. She turns to face him, looking into his eyes expectantly. He returns her gaze and pauses for a moment, and a little longer, and a bit longer still... then he gets up says he better drive home before it gets too late. Afterward he's kicking himself for being so spineless. He was trying to work up the nerve to kiss her all evening, and kept wondering if now was the right time to do it, but in the end he couldn't pull the trigger.
One key fear guys have in this situation if they're sexually inexperienced is that their embarrassing secret will be outed, and they'll be humiliated. They may think something like, "I've never kissed a woman. I don't know what I'm doing. What if she can tell I've never done this before?" Naturally they feel caught in a crappy Catch-22 where they need some experience to feel confident making a move, but they can't feel confident making a move until they have some experience.
And when you're really inexperienced yourself it seems that's pretty much every woman. Part of this comes from a belief that no woman would be interested in a shy guy if she's had already had a few boyfriends. It also goes back to that point I mentioned in the last paragraph about them fearing their inexperience being outed.
This hinders shy men in two ways. First, they'll often rule out more-obviously experienced women as prospects. Too scary. Only harmless, innocent-seeming women don't arouse their fears. But there are only so many women out there who are just as shy and inexperienced as them, so it really cuts down their possibilities, and makes them put that much more pressure on themselves when they do find one who fits the description.
Secondly, if he's into a woman, and she seems into him, and she says something that draws attention to her comparatively higher level of experience (e.g., mentioning an ex-boyfriend), he may get dejected and give up on her. She seems a lot more daunting now. And they figure, why would she want him? She has experience, he doesn't. It'd never work out.
With time many anxious guys can slowly face their fears and gain enough experience with the opposite sex that they're not as held back by their anxiety as they used to be. They can start dating like everyone else. However, they may always have a tougher time of it than some men. They're often late bloomers, since their nerves and general social awkwardness kept them from getting into the dating game as early as everyone else.Article continues below...
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When a guy is shy and unconfident about his love life insecure thoughts often flow through his head in an effortless stream - "I'm hopeless. I'll never get better. I suck with women. I'm a loser. I'm not good looking enough. There's no way that woman at work actually likes me. I totally screwed up with her the other day when I made that dumb joke. I give up."
It's all quite self-sabotaging. First, a lack of confidence isn't super-attractive. Next, they can be hyper-alert for any signs of rejection, and almost eager to conclude the worst. For example, if they're casually chatting to a woman and she mentions a TV show that he doesn't like, he may get deflated and think, "Ah man, she likes that show? There's no way she'll be into me now. Dammit, another prospect hasn't panned out. Story of my life. I'll never meet anyone."
A lot of what I've mentioned so far hints at this. Almost unconsciously shy guys can have the attitude that in order to get a girlfriend the world has to send them one packaged in such a way that they won't feel anxious or have to do anything that pushes them out of their comfort zone. They figure everything will finally work out one day when they stumble onto a woman who naturally likes them, who they won't have to take the initiative to talk to, who they won't have to ask out, and who has the magic combination of qualities which ensures he never feels nervous around her.
It's also really common for shyer guys to fantasize about meeting a really forward, take charge woman who makes all the scary moves for them. She asks him out, she kisses him first, etc. However, if a guy is really shy he may still balk in the face of someone so direct, and still miss his chance.
The idea that if they want a girlfriend they'll have to actively work on finding one, or that they'll have to learn to cope with their nervousness, isn't on the map. Nope, they just have to meet the perfect woman under the perfect circumstances, where they'll be guided by rails with no room to screw up. They have thoughts such as: "Well I didn't meet any women this semester. Maybe in next semester's classes I'll randomly end up sitting beside the person of my dreams", or "Maybe at my job the woman I like will be assigned to work on a project with me all day", or "Maybe this time when I go to the bar and just stand around all night a woman will walk up and seduce me." 152ee80cbc