I grew up in the church with wonderful Christian parents who showed unconditional love and taught me to put my full faith and trust in God. I committed my life to Christ at the age of 7 after coming home from Vacation Bible School and asking my mom what it meant to be a Christian.
As God continually shapes me, my testimony is about how by the grace of God I find renewed peace and hope in Him every day.
In my senior year of high school, my mom received the news she had cancer. I didn’t know how to share this with people, how to let them help me, or how to let others see me completely unraveled. I was used to things usually going my way, being able to think that my actions were in direct correlation with the outcomes.
As her battle progressed, God revealed that control was something I gripped very tightly. I liked thinking there were logical steps to almost everything in life. But every aspect of the situation was in God’s hands and there was absolutely nothing I could tangibly do. It was wave after wave where nothing seemed to work toward a favorable end. But my mom was a true testament to putting her full faith and trust in God. She said we cannot always control the situations that come our way but we can ask God to give us the grace to react in a way that points toward Him.
When a surgeon in Baltimore finally agreed to operate, it was an answer to prayer but there was an uncertain road ahead. As I prayed during her surgery, I felt a physical feeling of warmth expanding in my ribcage where there was no tension in my body and the weight of my mind was nonexistent. Only God knew the outcome, He was guiding the doctors’ hands, and I could only believe in His perfect plan which I may or may not understand. Peace in God is so freeing. I learned there is beauty in just relenting and submitting every single last thought and feeling to God.
The surgery was deemed successful and the months to follow brought reminders every day to rely on God. However, about a year later the cancer came back and spread. Another year went by where my mom still taught me to always stay faithful to God regardless of your circumstances.
After falling into an unconscious state, her breathing became weak and shallow and the doctor did not give a favorable report. I was in constant prayer that day. I begged and pleaded with God to heal my mom. By that night I was asking God to either give me full confidence that He would heal her or that my heart would be prepared for her to die. For hours I could not discern between my own thoughts and God’s will. So finally I prayed "God if you are going to take her, take her now." Seconds later my mom took her last breath. In that moment I felt the overwhelming presence and closeness of God. He was there filling the room, her suffering was no more, I gave up selfish control, and again God gave me release and His peace.
In the months to follow I became very sad, anxious, and lost sight of hope. I did not allow myself to grieve in a way that let others and God in. Going back to school, I became lonely thinking that I was suffering alone. My roommates did not know how to react to my outward front of not willingly sharing my emotions. I did not go to church for almost 11 months. I was actively avoiding God.
I was angry with God and did not think other people would understand. At that point my view of God was very segmented. I still believed God loved me unconditionally and that Christ was my rock and salvation. But the god who let such grief enter my world, I didn’t know who that was. I couldn’t begin to cope with such tension in my heart.
A friend gently asked me if I thought God was grieving alongside me. My impulsive answer was no, how could He be, He allowed this to happen. But really that thought had not even crossed my mind, to contemplate the fact that God grieved so deeply for the world that He sent Christ to die for us. Brokenness was never God’s plan and through Christ we are made whole.
A few weeks later another friend wrote me a note detailing Psalm 23. I had heard that verse over and over but she encouraged me to look at it with new meaning. “…He refreshes my soul…you are with me…surely your goodness and love will follow me…” I believe each of these instances were divine appointments in beginning the process of welcoming God into my sadness. My sorrow stands together with joy and hope. Only in the presence of God can you experience two completely opposite feelings because both can bring Him glory. Deep and painful sorrow shows that our weakness allows us to draw near and let others be drawn by our submission to Christ. Joy is eternity. It is the hope we have firmly planted in Jesus Christ that He is making all things new.
Some days are easier than others to know even in sadness there is great hope. Other days I need to constantly remind myself. The past couple years I have held firm to these beliefs and the themes of peace and hope have continued to show me God’s grace and love.
Upon graduating college my future plans were not set, and I had to give up control in knowing He had a plan and He already knew what would happen; I did not need to.
Being given the opportunity to go to Malawi taught me more than ever that being vulnerable and honest lets God’s truth and goodness speak to others. I was quite terrified of sharing my testimony with others, for prideful reasons and not knowing how people would respond. I learned language barriers and cultural differences are no obstacles for God. My words were a vessel for God to speak light and love and grace to complete strangers. It opened doors for healing as people felt comfortable sharing their own struggles and made me realize that God wants me to share for Him to be glorified.
Still, with no set plans or jobs I took the opportunity to go to Haiti. My heart was completely shattered for the kids and the evil in the country. Initially, I didn’t know how to convey hope to them. But God allowed me to connect with the children in unspoken ways. When they learned I had lost my mom, my joy and faith in God made those kids look at me in a new light. They knew they were loved by God as their father and that was all they needed.
Each trip instilled in my heart a longing to help kids. God’s timing is always right in that He was guiding me without me even realizing it and telling me to be patient. When I did get my job, it was solely because of Him.
I am reminded how God has used and shaped me, in ways that probably would not have happened if my family was dealt different cards. I am more patient, compassionate, empathetic, and willing to share in others’ burdens. I have a heart for the world and God’s people to bring His kingdom here. Grace has taken on a new meaning; looking beyond what I may already know and thinking there are underlying circumstances dictating people’s feelings and actions. God never turns His back and constantly pursues us, so we should never turn our back on God or others. I have experienced peace in God and how it is so freeing to give up control and align yourself with God’s will. I hold fast to eternal hope in God and that all will be made new.
My testimony is never ending, and God will continually reveal himself in new and different ways as I strive to be more like Him. I know my need for redemption, grace, and forgiveness. And my faith cannot be shaken as Christ is my firm rock and salvation.
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