(The Channel Awesome logo and the title sequence plays, then open on NC sitting in his usual spot, in his Christmas attire. But in this case, he glowers silently at the camera for several seconds, before holding up a Blu-ray disc of the movie to be reviewed: Elf Bowling: The Movie. He then turns the cover around to show the back and points to the rating the movie got: PG, after which he throws the cover down in frustration)
NC (vo): It was spread all throughout the Internet and even got picked up by other game consoles, (The covers for Elf Bowling 1 & 2 for Nintendo and Game Boy Advance appear) where it was proudly labeled as one of the most enchantingly worst games of all time. Well, the developers must have gotten the idea to do movies, because in 2007, Elf Bowling: The Movie was released to a very similar response. As the tagline asks, (The following tagline for the original game is shown...) "Can Christmas be spared?"
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(The opening to Alice Through the Looking Glass is shown, with Alice as a captain of the ship. Back to the film, we're shown the pirate crew slowly packaging all the booty they've gotten...toys. This is run by the captain's first mate, Dingle)
NC (vo): ...it'd be "Alice and the Curse of the Black Coal". The ship is called "The Filthy Toe", and they hold the evilest of pirates known to man, the ones who steal toys and sell them for profit!
(To cheer up, Santa decides to play bowling on the deck, with his brother Dingle playing against him. All the pirates who were betting on Dingle pay Santa, but finding out that Dingle was secretly helping Santa win, they angrily throw them overboard)
NC (vo): In his off time, Captain Santa, non-surprisingly, enjoys bowling, but the crew finds out he's been scamming them out of money by telling his half-brother Dingle to rig the score, so they're tossed overboard.
(A gun click sound is heard, and the infamous "guns shooting" green screen effect appears, firing at the screaming NC. In the movie, the elves' toy factory is shown, which looks like a huge spinning top. After Santa and Dingle enter the factory, Lex loads all the toys inside a conveyor machine by using his crystal orb)
(A group of elves are marching towards the three, looking annoyed. Dingle grabs onto the orb, but it shocks him, and he falls, knocking the orb out of Lex's hands. It rolls and actually manages to knock all the elves down)
NC (vo): Pretty lame connection, considering the game already had a very laid-out story, but... (A photo of a little kid sleeping on the couch appears with a glass of eggnog edited in right next to it) your five-year-old's already drunk on eggnog from watching this, so who's complaining?
NC (vo): Not sure if he's dropping off presents or multicolored diarrhea, but the elves are so happy at his work that they make Santa and his brother live forever. (The cover for the fictional paper named "Plague & Disease Monthly" with a header that says "Santa Creates Cottage Industry" spins into the center of the shot) By the way, anyone else noticed this kids' film has kind of a sick sense of humor?
NC (vo): Dingle, on the other hand, kept trying to scheme people for eons and eons, and Santa kept having to bail him out. You know, after literally hundreds of years of this, would you revoke his immortality card?
(Lex finds the two tied-up elves the penguins have replaced, so Dingle is booed by the elves while Santa is declared the winner. Enraged, Dingle and the penguins plan their revenge on everybody at the bar)
(Later, Dingle knocks on Santa's door to tell him that Lex is trapped on the ice floe. Santa runs to the floe, only to discover it's actually one of the penguins. Meanwhile, the machine that was rigged by the penguins starts burning)
NC (vo): The head elf quits after being insulted, but Dingle tells Santa he ran out onto the ice and needs to be saved. Santa finds out he's been fooled, and machine at the workshop has a few...um, hiccups.
(Dingle writes a fake note that says "All elves stink, especially Lex! Sincerely, Santa" and leaves it on Santa's door. The elves look distraught, but then see Dingle and the penguins doing a dance that is...suggestive, to say the least)
NC (vo): You know what doesn't have a song in this? Elf bowling. The name of the goddamn movie and, apparently, what this story is about! But everything is so forced and impractical, you're probably reenacting Edvard Munch's Christmas card here.
(The rest of the song sequence is rewinded. Just as Santa arrives in Fiji, Dingle uses the orb to make the stone heads on the island come alive and turn into humanoid creatures that bury Santa in the sand, leaving only his head. Lex sees his former boss)
NC (vo): It probably goes without saying, but this is not a very good film. Its humor is either too childish for adults, too adult for children, or too stupid for both. The animation isn't that great, though, weirdly, I can't say it's the worst Christmas animation I've seen, and it just feels like it was written in minutes to cash in on an already fading zeitgeist. It's not the worst Christmas special, but it's so disoriented and lazily written, that there's very little to get out of it. It's not the worst waste of time, but it's definitely not a fun waste of time. It's just a waste of time.
NC: And that's it for December. (looks around) As well as this studio, too. I hope you guys have a really good year, and whatever changes come your way, I hope you make the best of them. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
(He gets up and leaves...to the completely empty room which was used for the props to pick up his regular jacket that was hanging on a doorknob. As NC goes to the exit door, changing into his regular jacket and carrying the Christmas one, it's revealed that the main room of the studio is also empty. NC turns the lights off, gives one final look to his former residence...and closes the door. After the echo of the door closing fades out, the end credits roll)
Santa Christ (vo): Ho, ho, ho! Did he forget to have a December without Santa Christ? Aww. And I had a good story arc and everything. I headed to a wormhole in the sky and woke up in 1961 as Bobo the astro chimp. I had to make sure this budding astronaut made the space program, or I'd die under cruel animal testing. I had to drink caterpillar juice, and crap myself, and fumble through space testing, and everything! (Beat) But I guess that wasn't good enough for you, was it? Ho-ho, I guess. Wait till Mrs. Christ hears about this.
Elf Bowling is a series of freeware bowling games for PC. The original Elf Bowling was originally released in 1998 by NStorm for PC, with the second game being released in 2000. A compilation of the first two games called Elf Bowling 1 & 2 was developed by Black Lantern Software, published by Ignition Entertainment, and released in 2005 for the Game Boy Advance and Nintendo DS, to notorious negative reception.
The second game has Santa and the Elves on a cruise ship heading to an island adventure. Santa's good-for-nothing brother Dingle Kringle joins up with them. This game is a strange shuffleboard tournament, and the elves are being used as the pucks.
A Direct to Video movie based on the games, called Elf Bowling the Movie: The Great North Pole Elf Strike was released in 2007. No, really.The game series contains examples of: Added Alliterative Appeal: The elves will hold a sign that says, "Santa Sux!" Asshole Victim: In the third game, you can knock out Dingle for a full round with a thrown elf as he attempts to ice up a landing target. Bad Santa: The player character, in a way. His elves go on strike on Christmas Eve and his first reaction is to grab his bowling ball and use them for pins. Easter Egg: With the correct timing, it's possible to squash the frog that hops across the lane and bean the reindeer with a gutterball. In one that doubles as a Shout-Out, if you mouse over three of the pictures in the developer menu in quick succession, it will play the famous "Stop Poking Me!" sound clip from Warcraft. Fake Difficulty: In the first game, on occasion, the frontmost elf in the alley may randomly sidestep the bowling ball as it comes at him. This can deny the player a strike or a spare. This also makes getting a perfect score pretty much impossible as if you're scoring nothing but strikes it will inevitably happen sooner or later, turning the strike into a spare. I Shall Taunt You: The elves do this, constantly. Surprisingly averted on occasion, such as in the second game, where landing an elf in a high-scoring spot on the deck will cause the elf in question to say "That was a good one!" Is That the Best You Can Do?: If you fail to take out all ten elves with two balls, one of them will say "Is that all the balls you got, Santa?" Mass "Oh, Crap!": The elves in the first game do this every time a ball is rolled at them. They do not, however, actually flee. Mooning: The elves will do this to Santa after a game is finished, or even in the middle of a frame.Elliott: Hey, Santa. (all the elves turn around, drop their pants, and laugh) Who's your daddy? Off with His Head!: In the first game, the head-grasping mechanism used to set the elves into place will occasionally fail with one of them, fruitlessly tugging a few times before departing with the elf's head. Somehow, it reattaches when the elf is picked up again. Sequel Goes Foreign: The first game is set at the North Pole; the second on a tropical cruise. Serial Escalation: In the second game, the weather conditions rocking the deck side to side escalate from relative calm up to "Hurricane NStorm" with each successive round. Shout-Out: The elves will sometimes sing "Elf, elf, baby!" after a game. Third Is 3D: Elf Bowling 3 went beyond the 2-D hijinks of the first two games to have the player catapulting elves at a series of distant targets using a comically oversized bra. Toilet Humor: A reindeer will sometimes walk along the alley and defecate on it, not to mention the elves mooning. In the first game, Elliott the elf is propelled into the air by the force of his own flatulence. Then the surrounding elves comment on it, laugh at him, and hold their noses until the ball comes at them.(Elliott farts loudly)
Other Elf: Hey, Elliott farted!
(other elves laugh and hold their noses while Elliott blushes) In the second game, occasionally an elf that comes to a stop will break wind, exclaim "Clear the deck!", and then laugh. Video Game Cruelty Potential: This is more or less the premise. In the first game, running over a frog or rabbit wandering onto the alleyway is possible if the bowl is timed and aimed right. This has no effect on the score. The player can also knock out the aforementioned visiting reindeer with a gutterball at the extreme end of the range closest to where the deer is standing, sending the ball flying out of the gutter onto the reindeer's head. Needless to say, this does involve losing part of one's score. In the second game, it is virtually encouraged to knock opposing elves off of the deck to drop the opponent's score. Going off the sides is not too bad, as the elves simply land on a lower deck, but going off of the aft end of the deck knocks them straight into the jaws of a waiting shark. In the third game, a thrown elf can knock out a polar bear walking to or from a landing target. You still lose the elf, but the bear cannot consume any further elves for the rest of the round. Wardrobe Malfunction: In the second game, on occasion, an elf being lifted up from the party going on belowdecks will have his swimsuit catch on a piece of the mechanism and snap, leaving a pixelated blur in its place. It doesn't last long, though, as the swimsuit reappears for the player to use in flinging the elf down the deck. Xtreme Kool Letterz: The elves will hold up a sign that says, "Santa Sux!" as opposed to "Santa Sucks!". 152ee80cbc
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