How (and why) to do a sexual reset

Sometimes life can become a constant schedule, especially in these times when the boundaries between private and work have become more complex. Sticking to a schedule of work goals can work, but it's very different when it comes to sticking to the sex we may be missing out on in this demanding routine. That is why the best sexologist doctor in Delhi Dr P K Gupta suggests you to "get out of the vicious circle of having sex even if the desire has been turned off or mechanized, and where the only way to do it is a reset", he says, and then proposes 30 days of sexual fasting as a good way to reset our erotic side.

But despite the fact that this "detox" sounds interesting and popular, Dr P K Gupta, a sexologist in Delhi, explains that "the reset is not about pressing a button and that magically everything will improve the second. Recovering the desire is a reconstruction that has to be fully and over time, and there is a whole history to observe and work on. This, because there is something called 'the memory of desire', one that keeps the sensations of past encounters and that will allow us to develop our desire depending on whether they were pleasant or not”.

It is that memory that began to haunt Aparna Singh during her forties, when she began to realize that she was forcing herself to meet frequency goals in her sexual relationship. “During these two years of relationship, we used to see each other very often, but since I got a new demanding job, and this year the quarantines and the confused emotional states typical of the pandemic routine returned, the sexual encounters were decreasing,” she says. “Thus, I began to realize that for him, the issue of frequency was important, and I wanted to make a lot of effort to have more desire despite my tiredness, because I felt that it was an effort that I wanted to make for him. But that only made things worse.”

Dr P K Gupta, sex specialist doctor in Delhi, emphasizes that although recovery techniques should always be agreed upon and discussed, it is very important to remember from the beginning that not wanting to do it is also fine. “It still happens a lot in our society that men consider that sexual activity is a kind of right that corresponds to being in a couple, and that is something totally wrong. If one person has more desire than the other, he can see options of how to seduce her and try to activate her in consent, but it is not the obligation of the other to always respond to it”.

Dr P K Gupta assures that “if it is being an obligation, it is welcome not to have sex. Somehow, there is an accumulation of desire that is generated when the pressures with the couple end. Many times it happens that when one stops seeing each other for a while –for a trip for example–, the desire begins to be restored because there is no need to count the days that have passed without doing it, since the distance is inevitable. Applying the same to everyday life can be soothing.”

But if that reconfiguration is not accompanied by an intensification in the moments that deal with attraction and love emotions, it may be more difficult for it to work. Dr P K Gupta, sex doctor in Delhi, says that this happens because the reset “does not only depend on the meetings. For example, if the fasting time is used not to have sex and not to meet each other affectionately, it may be more difficult for motivation to return.

Connecting with emotions is fundamental, and for that, there are many options that can involve desire in this reconfiguration of the relationship. One of them is tantric sex, an ancient practice that refers to the art of consciously connecting with the person you love so that emotions can flow better during sex. Dr P K Gupta, a tantric therapist and specialist in sexuality and sexual trauma, believes that "sex today is experienced in such a rush by our way of life that we forget that we need time to activating these zones can be common and complicated, and generate the opposite of enjoyment”.

The initial practice for tantric sex has to do with working on breath control, and deep down, the emotional anxiety that unfolds in that act. Here the atmosphere will influence as much as the place and take the time to identify each sensory space while we connect. This helps the channel of desire to expand calmly. The music can be a sensual list, hopefully without a voice and with sounds that activate the erotic. “Once the connection is created, you can start to do whatever you both like best,” explains Dr Gupta, top sexologist in Delhi. "Many people believe that this requires hours, but on the contrary, my recommendation is that twelve sensory minutes are enough, and then, enjoyment can be given to taste, but with a powerful base of desire already prepared."

Here also the fact that tantric sex is only an encounter of friction and not of penetration is demystified, something that can play against when proposing it to the couple. “Many may believe that connecting with the emotions of the other does not include that stage, but it can and in fact it is a practice for advanced, only thought of in another way. Here it is not about making rapid movements in and out without thinking, on the contrary, the idea is that the penis is inside the vagina with soft and passive movements, because it will be the vaginal canal that will do a work of sensations. This one has strength and different types of pressure, suction and massage, all things that generate connection and desire”, says sexologist in Delhi.

So the options to recover the desire and stop thinking that sex is a calendar that we have to comply with are multiple, and will depend on the intentions of both. But if there is something that has been studied, it is that frequency is not synonymous with quality.