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I am so glad I finally tuned in and listened to myself, my inner knowing, and figured out what was going on within me. I can only describe it as discovering all the false beliefs I took on in order to fit in.
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There are some overt things that come to mind, like growing up believing marriage is forever and then getting divorced...twice. Which led me to understand that I know it is far more important to me that I am with the right person for me than to stick with someone who is incompatible for the rest of my life.
But the more covert things were the tricky suckers. It was those self depreciating and self limiting beliefs that I was even in denial of, or oblivious to, or ashamed of, that I really had to become aware of in order to stop doing things like attracting incompatible partners, or colleagues.
As an adult there have been some gnarly and embarrassing moments in my career that have really tested me, and pushed for me to develop strong boundaries, just as I experienced many of those same kinds of moments in personal relationships. Being bullied though? No way, it just did not fit with my self image at all.
Or did it? Well, it depends on which part of my self image I was looking at. If it was the part of me that took pride in sorting out that mean boy who was picking on my brother when I was young, then no it did not fit with that. If it was the part of me that knocked on the door of the Head of the school to whistle blow on the weapons being carried by dozens of students that day in order to fight a rival school, then no it did not fit with that either.
As a kid, the only time I remember being beat down and not standing up was when I was about age five and some older girls, who were supposed to be walking me to school, told me I had to pray into this parking post we were walking past, which I thought was stupid, but I did it anyway out of fear. That and, of course, the authority figures in my life to whom I was taught to be deferential. That was survival.
Yet as an adult who had started to discern between my indoctrinated beliefs and my true knowing, I became conscious that I still saw myself as the tough person, the one who was not going to let anyone else get the better of me or anyone I felt obliged to defend.
Because when I think about the life of a human, and I think of all these amazing early milestones humans make, like learning an extremely complex system of language, or learning how to walk, or swim, none of us just gave up because it was too hard.
When in the mist of adversity it feels endless, gruelling. I realised this week that I shall never forget the milestones in relation to the restrictions imposed in the last couple of years, and oppression surrounding those, as they have absolutely run in parallel to the same felt within my personal life.
More than that, way more than that, those who have used those circumstances to fuel their growth, and to shine their inner light, those are the people who have given me the courage to take the next step and do the next right thing.
If you enjoyed reading this, you may enjoy What Is Holding You Back? Reclaim Your Worth, Your Love, Your Power, The People Who Hurt Us Are Vehicles for Our Growth, Clear the Fog of Trauma to See the Magnificence of Your Being, Be Compassionate and Curious to Live Your Best Life and How Do I Honour What I Believe and Care Less What You Think? To be the first to receive these posts, you can also opt to subscribe to my blog. 152ee80cbc
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