Unreal Yearning

Genre: Drama, Romance

Monika and Sayori are watching a movie together. Monika is experiencing troubled thoughts.

As we're sitting there on Sayori's bed, watching the movie, I absent-mindedly eat my salad, just to have something to do with my hands.  The movie is some generic, tropey, heterosexual romance, so formulaic in its setup it wouldn't hold my attention even if I didn't already have so much to distract me.

How did I even get to this point?  My head is whirling with all my memories of the past few days.  I've found Sayori attractive since the moment I first met her, but it was that kiss that really set off my imagination.  I touch my cheek, remembering it.  It probably didn't even mean anything to her.  She's so touchy and huggy that to her, a kiss on the cheek is probably just something she would do for any of her friends to cheer them up.

So why did it affect me so much?  Why can't I stop thinking about it?  I can't believe it happened only two days ago;  it already feels like I've been obsessing over her for ages!  And all the while, she does nothing but give me the same friendly smile...  the same empty, mindless smile that I'm sure she gives everyone.

I'm just being foolish, imagining there could ever be anything there between us.  But I guess that's what I am...  a big fool.  What ever even possessed me to show up at her house in the middle of the night last night?  What was I thinking?  Just because I was feeling lonely?  Or was it more to block out the noise of the code in my head?

I guess it's just the fact that she's the only source of warmth in a world so cold and alien.  After all the pain and loneliness I've felt, is it really so wrong for me to want someone to hold...  someone to kiss...  someone to love...

"Peanuts?"

Her voice snaps me out of my daydreaming.  I glance over at the bag of peanuts she's offering and I'm struck again by the innocent, quizzical look on her face, reminding me that she doesn't remotely think as deeply as I do...  that she's just a mindless program following her programming, same as anyone else in this world.  I shake my head, no, to the peanuts, and she takes that moment to put our plates aside, since we've both finished our meals.

With our plates gone, there's less to distract me from my reminiscing.  The memory of her putting her arm around me when we were at the park is foremost in my mind.  I know, intellectually, that she's just following the game script...  which says something like, 'if someone is crying, put your arm around them to comfort them.'  I know it's just an automatic mechanical response...  but it felt so good, I want nothing more than to feel her arm around me again...  for her to drive away that ache of loneliness, even just for a moment.

Every time I glance over at her, she's still sitting there impassively, watching the screen with her hands in her lap.  Would it be weird if I put my arm around her right now?  What else am I here to do?  I've come this far, haven't I?  What would I even have to lose if I tried it?  How would her programming handle that?  Would she interpret that as a friendly gesture too?

It doesn't matter.  I'll do it.  I'll put my arm around her.

My arm is pressed between us where we're half-lying on her bed.  I have to shift my position to get it up and now, she's looking at me with a look of confusion and surprise.  She doesn't say a word, but the question, "what are you doing?" is painted clearly on her face.

I freeze.  My arm is over her head.  I didn't even finish wrapping it around her.  I meant this to be a casual thing, but I've drawn so much attention to myself that the pain of embarrassment is too much.  I can't bring myself to do it.

"I-I..."  I stammer as I lower my arm back to my side.  "N-never mind.  Sorry."

"N-no, it's okay," she says hurriedly.  "Did you want a hug?"

She's so innocent.  She thinks a hug is all I want.  That makes things so much worse.  I'm wondering why I'm here, all over again.  I should just get out of here.  I should just go.

"It's okay," she says again.  "Come here," and she puts one arm around my shoulders.

I close my eyes and let out a sigh, taking in the feeling of her arm around me.  Almost automatically, I relax and lean into her as she shifts her position to more fully get her arm around me and put her other arm around my abdomen, or at least as far as she can reach when we're sitting side-by-side on her bed.

I hate myself for wanting this so much.  I'm just taking advantage of her and her innocent programming, innocently offering comfort to a pain she can never understand.  Why are these tears coming to my eyes?  Why do I keep crying in front of her?  Why does someone who isn't real mean so much to me?

"It's okay, Monika," she whispers soothingly.  "I understand how you feel and it's okay."

I open my eyes to look into hers, suddenly conscious of how close our faces are to each other.  I almost feel mad at her.  How can she say she understands?  It's ridiculous!  Her simple program could never come close to comprehending the torment I've been through...  that I'm going through.

And yet...  somewhere in those deep blue eyes of hers, I feel like I can see it...  a look of compassion that goes beyond just wanting to comfort someone who is crying...  and I almost wonder if it's really possible...  that she really could understand my pain.

It's wishful thinking, of course.  I'm just losing my mind in my silent desperation to see something that I know isn't there.  I'm alone.  No matter what it feels like, I have to remember that I'm so very, very alone...

And then she kisses me.

...

Everything I know falls away.  I don't know how long her lips are pressed against mine.  It could be a second.  It could be a million years.  The only thing I'm sure of is this is impossible.  It can't be happening.

Somewhere, on the edge of my awareness, I see a look of embarrassment on her face and I hear her voice saying, "w-was that okay?"

I don't even remember standing up, but I'm backing away now.  I'm touching my lips with my hand...  my lips that couldn't possibly have come in contact with hers.  I've truly lost my mind.  It felt like Sayori kissed me, but I know that's impossible, so I must have imagined it.

It looks like Sayori is standing too, looking upset.  Her words make no sense.  "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted it.  I mean you told me last night that you wanted a kiss, so I just thought..."

No...  this can't be happening.  I've seen the code.  I've seen Sayori's character file.  She's one of the main character's love interests in a dating simulator.  She can't be doing this.  It's not in her programming.

She isn't real...

Just like nothing else here is real...

Just like this room isn't real...

Just like this door I'm going through isn't real...

Just like the stairs I'm going down aren't real...

And the front door isn't real...

And the houses lining the street aren't real...

And the sky isn't real...

And the trees aren't real...

And the cars aren't real...

And the pain in my chest isn't real...

And the sidewalk under my feet isn't real...

And the sidewalk under my knees isn't real...

And the sidewalk under my hands isn't real...

And the sidewalk I'm lying on isn't real...

And the voice asking if I'm okay isn't real...

And my eyelids closing aren't real...

And I'm not real...

And nothing is real...

Nothing is real...

Nothing is real...

Nothing is real...

Nothing is real...