Communication Overhaul

A new number

I recently purchased a new number - to segregate my chats on WhatsApp.

The new number I use for personal chats and the more important groups I need to check regularly (for example, the official noticeboard of the department or the research project group in which the professor is also present), the old one I use for the less important groups. These groups are actually useless, but you can't leave them (like the hostel groups) and spam chats. I check that number once a week or two.

The realization hit me

I was moving some groups to the new number and deleting the unnecessary chats.

I suddenly stumbled across a chat. I just opened it out of nostalgia and went through it. Read it from the beginning, and it triggered an array of emotions. Nostalgia, melancholy, regret, memories, and many more. But one thing hit me in particular - that is embarrassment.

The chats were decent and interesting for the first about 20-25 days. But at one point, I had started ranting about a professor and writing crap and negative stuff. Just because someone tells you that you can talk to them anytime doesn't mean that you just start breaking the limits of etiquette.

While reading the messages, I realized that most of the stuff I had written looked cringe, absurd and unnecessary, and I was writing it just for the sake of talking. I could've avoided it, and had I not written such stuff, things would've been way better.

When I went through the chats, I got ashamed of myself. I asked myself, "How the hell will you make friends and manage your time if you keep doing like this? Why would people like to talk to such a person?"

My communication habits were all over the place, and I was glued to the phone for hours, texting every now and then and checking for replies even more often. My average phone time amounted to 5.5 hours daily, which was alarming. It killed my productivity and was a nasty thing of mine.

Above all, I kept on texting and didn't listen; I just said my stuff and overflowed the chats. On top of that, I was expecting them to reply to each of my messages just because I used to reply to every message that came my way from anyone in 10 minutes, despite being very busy. On top of that, I was pushing them to do so. I was just polluting their messages. It was like I was throwing rubbish in their park and expecting them to clean every bit of it.

No two people are equal, and comparing someone with someone else is unfair to both. Expecting someone to behave like what you would want to is even more unfair to them, and to you as well, as it would lead to disappointment in the long run.

The change

Boom.

The next day onwards, I changed everything.

I stopped checking the useless groups, knowing that almost everything coming would be just spam and the important stuff I would get to know from friends or professors. Many people had my number and would text me intimidating stuff and I would be in a mood to give them an earful - which would waste my time and energy.

I didn't give my new number to many people, and only trusted friends had it. Moreover, I enabled a WhatsApp setting so only my contacts could add me to groups.

I was only contacting those people whom I wanted to. It cut down a lot of time on WhatsApp.

I began speaking less and listening more. The more you listen, the more you understand the thing and frame your response appropriately.

Another thing that I learnt that predominantly texting was the root cause of most problems - which lead to bad communication skills. I really didn't know how to talk to others, and what to say. Anything I used to say. Many times without applying the brain.

Ranting non stop and keeping on asking others about solutions of my own problems was another major issue with me, which lead to the fallout. I read many books and practiced meditation, which led to the realization that you have to enjoy your own company, and also, look deep inside for the solutions to your problems.

The last point was very important for me in particular - for I want to pursue research. I can't keep on asking professors or fellow researchers. Have to look on my own. This thing hit me even more hard. 

But one thing is that I had grown and evolved to a much greater extent as a person, in the last five months, than the twenty years that preceded them.

Positive effect

Most of the time I spent on my phone came from WhatsApp, and on WhatsApp, most of the time I was checking the messages on the groups and reading all of them, and replying to each and every message. I began this practice because I used to think I was accountable to anyone texting me, and it is a good practice to reply to messages.

But not at the cost of my mental peace and productivity. This thing I realized a bit later. How can I be answerable to everyone in the department group, and for that matter, everyone in general? It is my life, and I am the main character of my life. I actually didn't have a life.

My time on WhatsApp decreased drastically, dropping my phone time to only 1.5 hours at maximum. Suddenly, I had a lot of time for myself, and was able to do a lot of stuff in that balance of time that I was wasting on those useless people replying to each and everyone's crap.

Peer pressure and influence were other things that crept in. They naturally would be when you are checking your phone constantly and looking at every message posted by 180+ people on the department group and 200+ people on the hostel group. And 100+ people on every course group. I was interacting and looking at what 300+ distinct people were doing per day. It was inevitable.

When you perform well, or something good happens to you, you are appreciated by a few and hated by many (it is relative grading, and no one would want others to perform better than others). When you are going through a rough phase, or your performance drops, or something like that, the troll army rules the groups. You feel like you have to perform or do well or keep your life sorted just to make others happy or avoid trolling, or gain respect among your peers or social circles.

I seldom check such groups now, which has been such a peace of mind. Now, I am my own master, and whatever I do, if I know it is right, even if the world is against me, I know that I am right and don't have to sway, for I don't get to know that the world is against me. I don't need to prove anything to anyone now.

My productivity has been boosted to another level since then. It has been a masterstroke.

Your utmost priority should be your mental peace, happiness, satisfaction and productivity. Everything else comes next to it.

Three Gatekeepers of Mouth

A professor had sent an email once. Though most people ignore such emails, particularly by that professor, I always find insightful and philosophical things in them.

I read that mail, and something that I found was quite useful, particularly in my context.

He was talking about the "three gatekeepers of mouth".

He portrayed the mouth as a gate and the mind as a shop. Whatever comes out of the gate is an impression of what was inside the shop, the same way that what you speak reflects your thoughts.

One should put the three gatekeepers of mouth while speaking anything:

1. Is it true and factual?

2. Is it necessary and relevant?

3. Is it polite and non-offensive to the listener?

I am applying this technique while speaking and messaging off late. Now I speak only about 30% of how much I used to do earlier, which has again improved my communication skills and increased my productivity.

People used to hesitate to talk to me earlier at times because of a nasty habit of speaking too much. But it is changing now, and I also have a good circle of friends.

Call, don't text.

Another thing that I learned is that there are various issues and nuances while texting.

First of all, you don't get to know the reality of the person and his/her situation. You don't get to know his/her true state of mind and emotions. You can always sugarcoat text messages and hide real stuff and emotional real-time nuances. Face-to-face communication is absent. It leads to communication gaps like it led in my case.

Secondly, you can always delete messages for everyone, which is a big issue. You can take back your words, and often, the other person won't get to know you. Forwarding messages leads to misinformation, which has led to the mushrooming of the "WhatsApp University". Counterfeiting is also a common problem these days, but not in the context of this article.

Thirdly, texting becomes addicting in most cases, and it also takes up more time because typing is slower than speaking, and you get bothered by other messages and notifications in many cases.

Most importantly, there is a tendency to clutter message boxes in this method of communication, as you can write whenever you want, and there is no mutual thing. The only thing is that you won't be replied to, but you have full freedom to write how you want. Unless that person has blocked you, obviously.

Calling is a way better option.

Real-time communication takes place, and you have to interact immediately so that what you say reflects your thoughts and raw emotions and state of mind. You have to apply the three gatekeepers, which you could avoid while texting. It is quicker and faster as well, and has more clarity.

Apart from the words, the listener gets vocal cues from the tone, expression and emotion, which reduces miscommunication and misunderstanding. There is a mutual understanding of each other's situations, leading to faster resolution. The nonverbal parts, like pauses etc., also give an impression of the expressions.

It has a personal and emotional touch as well. When you feel low, call a friend or a loved one. Hearing them on the phone, saying those empowering and lifting words, feels much more impactful, relaxing and soothing than looking at those words sent by text.

Discussions over call are often more detailed and flexible - no one would take the pain of texting huge stuff.

Most importantly, there has to be a mutual thing for calling - a call can only occur if I call and you pick up. Both should be willing to talk.

There is no exchange of information otherwise, unlike in texting - where you can clutter the chats irrespective of the receiver. Unwanted and unnecessary information is negligible.

I have now almost completely switched to calling rather than texting. I ask people to call me rather than message me on WhatsApp, and I call people myself. I always pick up the call when I can. If I can't, I am busy with something. If I can text, I can call. If I can't call, I am busy and can't text either.

Yes, if some document has to be sent, I use WhatsApp for that only. Not for anything beyond that.

Another advantage is that it reduced my WhatsApp time by 80%. Now I hardly use the app.

Containment Zone

I had another nasty habit: as soon as I woke up, I used to check my phone. This is a really bad practice, as not only it causes stress, distraction and procrastination, it can also affect brain and cognitive function. At the night, I checked my phone just before sleeping. It disrupts sleep cycle and day routines. I was myself sleeping at around 3.30am most of the days, and woke up late in the morning. This affected my schedule, and I needed to break the chain.

Now I have made a containment zone - I stay off electronics for the first 1 hour after waking up, and last 1 hour before sleeping. I have been doing this since about a week, and I have been feeling better and faster.

James Clear has said in his bestseller book, Atomic Habits, that to improve as a person and in the professional space, small but consistent changes and habits add up to big results. I am trying to implement that, starting from communication habits. And would definitely love to extend the practice to other areas.