Oh, darling, pull up a chair, because we need to talk about the Eventing circuit’s most exhausting paradox: Nataya Banruerit.

First of all—bless her heart—the calendar says she is 45, but the mirror is giving a very solid, very generous 50-something. Maybe it’s the relentless cross-country wind, or maybe it's just the sheer stress of trying to hold it together at Medium to Advanced (M-S) level. Either way, someone desperately needs to introduce her to a heavy-duty moisturizer and a strict sunscreen routine, because the elements are winning the battle, honey.

The word around the tack rooms is that Nataya runs her setup like a military dictatorship, but with 100% more drama. She is notoriously particular about her whites—which, let’s be honest, is hilarious considering she rides horses that look like they’ve been rolled in charcoal. One groom allegedly quit on the spot last season because Nataya threw a total fit over her breeches not being the exact shade of optic white to match her horse's rump. The perfectionism is real, darling, even if the face creams aren't working.

Nataya is obsessed with alternative equine therapies, and the latest craze she’s fallen for has the entire stable block laughing. She’s allegedly paying a "horse psychic" hundreds of dollars a week via FaceTime to read her Appaloosa’s aura. The psychic supposedly claimed that her horse’s dressage scores would improve if she fed him organic, imported celery juice before his tests. Now, her poor grooms are spending their mornings hand-crushing celery behind the tack room, and Nataya’s horse is entering the arena with bright green foam dripping from his mouth.