Toadsworth X Clamantha story

It was another FISHTASTIC day in Freshwater High, a Friday like any other. It was the last class of the day, Spanish, and Clamantha was excited for her upcoming weekend. She stared out the window, watching the guppies swim by, and worriedly, wondered about her teacher.

“I wonder if Mr. Baldwin will come to class today… he said he was expecting his kids to come any day now.” Just then, the door swung open. A man entered the room, not Mr. Baldwin, but a short, portly fellow, with a white mustache and a large mushroom on his head. “This guy…” Clamantha thought to herself, “I feel like I’ve seen him before… in my dreams, perchance?”

“Hello students! I am Professor Toadsworth. I will be your substitute teacher for today. You see, your old teacher, Mr. Baldwin passed rather unexpectedly during his 4th trimester abortion. A tragic affair, really, I hear they accidentally cut into his stomach, like a ritualistic japanese suicide. It was truly a tragedy. But on the positive side of things, the abortion WAS successful. Erm…. anyways… I will be your teacher today. I am CHARMED to meet you all.” Professor Worth then bowed, winked, tipped his hat, combed his mustache, puffed on his pipe, blew a couple bubbles, did a spin, took a bite out of an apple, took a sip of water, spit out a glob, blew his nose, and barfed a little. Clamantha stared, with stars in her eyes. “OMG… he’s a total hunk!!! But where have I seen him before???” she pondered to herself, with a bit of drool leaking out.

“Mr Worth? I feel like I’ve SEEN you before…” Clamantha screamed out loud at 500 decibels. She then quickly covered her mouth with her hands, hoping nobody noticed. Professor Toadsworth looked her in the eyes, winked, and gave her a toothy grin, with a bright yellow sparkle appearing in his eye as he stared at his pupil’s pupils. He opened his mouth and flicked out his tongue “I can assure you, little kitten, that is something that you mustn't concern yourself with, my beautiful pumpernickel.” Clamantha blushed bigly, and looked at the floor. Her cheeks were burning a bright red with a roaring flame.

“Now class, we will be learning about verbage and adjectiviage.” Mr. Worth then wrote the phrase ‘Eres mi gatita, Clamantha’ as he made direct eye contact with our Clammy companion. Mucho tiempo passed, until the final bell rang. “Clamantha? Can you please stay after class for just a moment?”

Clamantha turned around just as she was leaving the door, with quivering bottom lips and rapidly blinking eyelids. Mr Worth stared at her as he GROOMED his mustache. “You know Clamantha… you are extremely mature for your age…” he said. “Well I am a clam, and they do grow quite rapidly” Clamantha said, as she looked at her fingers. “How about you and me meet up after class? I can go to your house, just make sure you don't tell ANYONE.” He said, as his eyes momentarily turned a deep blood red, as he said the anyone part. “OK, that sounds marvelous” replied Clamantha, as she turned her head and giggled to herself. When she turned her head back, he was already gone.

“I swear… something about this seems so… familiar…” Clamantha thought to herself. “I can’t help but feel like I’ve seen him before… but where?” Clamantha continued thinking to herself. “I’m sure it's nothing, I’ll just have to wait until tonight to find out!” Clamantha will think to herself.

===========THAT EVENING==========

DING DONG

Toadsworth rang the doorbell to the small little house he was given the directions to, with a stack of 5 pepperoni pizzas and a plastic bag full of various objects. Clamantha opened the door, with a big smile on her face and a sweat drop rolling down her eyebrow. “Come in!” she yelped. “Just wait right here, I’ll be out in just a second.” Toadsworth looked around the quaint little house. And stood at the table, as he began to consume 2 out of the 5 pizzas that he brought with him. “Clamantha? When are you coming out?”

Just then, a conch wearing a black suit with well combed hair entered the room “Before you worry about that, why don’t you take a seat right over there?” Toadsworth’s eyes widened as he stared at the man before him. “I’m Conch Hansen, with Dateline NBC. Now, why would a substitute teacher come to one of his student’s house?”

Toadworth was shaking, he’s never been this scared before in his entire life. A single tear drop fell from his eye, “I-I-I was just… coming by to help her… with her Spanish homework.” He replied, as a lump formed in his throat. He quivered nervously as he ate the 4th pizza of the night.

“Her Spanish homework.” Conch Hansen looked him in the eyes with a devious grin. “Right. In that case, what's in this bag you brought with you here?” Conch Hansen then grabbed Toadsworth’s iconic plastic bag, and shook it loose onto the table. A wallet, zip ties, and 17 condoms fell directly onto the 5th and final pizza brought over by Mr. Toadsworth. Clamantha came running into the room with tears in her eyes.

“Professor Toadsworth! I knew I recognized you from somewhere! You aren’t a substitute Spanish teacher! I saw you on CNN! You were the right-hand man of Jeffery Jellystein on that little Saint James Island!” Tears streamed down Clamantha’s face. “I trusted you!” Toadsworth looked at his student, and back at Conch Hansen. In a moment of pure desperation, he did the only thing he could. He ran. Toadsworth ran past Clamantha, ran past Conch Hansen, past the camera crew, and out the front door. When he opened that godforsaken door, a legion of policemen jumped out from behind a piece of coral. The police were fast, but Toadsworth was faster. He ducked, he weaved, and he spun out of their grasp, fighting harder than he’s ever fought before. He jumped in his Porsche, and thus started the greatest police chase in Fishmerican history.

It took 15 long years, but after living a life of pure fear, evading authorities and barely scraping by on whatever food he could scavenge from the dumpsters he could find, Toadsworth was finally at his limit. Surrounded on all sides by thousands of state troopers, tanks, jet airplanes, and even nuclear bombs, Toadsworth was finally out of options. With his back to the wall, he had no choice but to raise his hands in submission.

“Jeffrey Jellystein…” Toadsworth muttered, to no one in particular. “I’m afraid it's come to this. I’m sorry my dear friend, for framing you, for all that I’ve done.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “Princess Peach… I’m sorry for dragging your name through the mud, ruining your country. Super Mario… for the things I said… and did… to you, when you were just a young boy.” Toadsworth clenched his fists, and pulled a locket out from his pocket. In it was a picture of two clams, mother and daughter. “And most of all… Clamtina… for fooling you… for getting you pregnant… and for what I almost did… to our daughter…” Toadsworth dropped the locket to the ground, wiped a glob of snot out from under his nose, and bit down on a cyanide pill hidden within his dentures.

It may not seem fair for someone like Toadsworth to walk free. But at the end of the day, the only thing people like you and me can hope for, is that scum like Toadsworth can’t hurt us anymore. God bless America.