College Football Headlines

College Football Headlines, by Brandedx2

NCAA FINDS WILDCAT PLAYERS ELIGIBLE TO PLAY

Massive Weight Gain Ruled “Freak Accident”

After their massive 61-6 blowout against University of Maine’s Bears this past Saturday, the NCAA has officially ruled that all seven University of New Hampshire Wildcats players affected by consumption of irradiated chicken meat are still eligible to play despite their massive weight gains. “After thoroughly investigating, we’ve found no evidence of wrongdoing,” said an NCAA representative.

Some of their opponents oppose the players’ eligibilities. “If somebody slipped those kids steroids without their knowledge they’d be out,” said University of Maine Coach Alex Higgins. “We plan to fight this until somebody comes to their senses.”

The seven players (runningback Curt Zildjian, left tackle Rod Beauregard, center Max Sosha, right guard Mike DiLorenzo, middle linebacker Buzz Allen, defensive tackle Stephen Childs and defensive end Corey Mullins) who have gained a total of 610 pounds since the season began are experiencing the effects of chicken meat containing levels of radiation that should have proven harmful to humans.

“We first noticed something was up when Zildjian showed up to practice popping out of his clothes,” Defensive coordinator Chet Van Sant said. “We put him on a scale and he was up 25 pounds from the week before. Thing was he could still move—they all could! And you should’ve seen them in the weightroom!” The team’s squat record was 625 pounds before the players’ sudden growths; it’s now over a thousand pounds.

“I’ll be putting up twelve-hundred within the next month, guaranteed,” said Childs, who currently weighs in at just under 400 pounds.

These seven players had a tradition of eating chicken wings from Chickpocalypse, a local restaurant known for their spicy chicken wings.

“We had to eat there every Monday and Thursday,” said Sosha. “It was tradition. Had to put down at least thirty wings, especially if we’re on a winning streak, and hoo-boy, have we been on a streak, especially since we all bulked up! It’s like playing against little kids now!”

According to the farm that supplied Chickpocalypse with the contaminated product, the source of the radiation was extraterrestrial. “It was a goddamned meteor shower!” claims Rick Sweeney, who tends the chicken at Sweeney Farms. “One night the whole sky was all lit up—meteors burning up in the atmosphere all over. Now the ground glows at night! It’s kind of pretty, if you can get past how creepy it is.” CDC investigated the farm and found dangerous levels of radiation throughout the area, especially in the soil and in the animals themselves.

The meat supplied to Chickpocalypse contained only trace levels of the radiation, but the players’ heavy, repeated effects caused the massive weight gain—as well as enhancement of their joints, tendons, respiration and protein synthesis.

“It’s tough to find clothes nowadays,” said Senior and team captain Zildjian, who, at 5’10”, was the shortest of the affected players, “I’ve gotta turn sideways to get through doors sometimes and I don’t fit in the shower at my apartment anymore, but I’m a 340 pound runningback. Nobody in the world can block me! Except, you know, our guys.”

The team has had to have uniforms and protective equipment specially constructed to fit the large players.

“It was a little intimidating at first,” said starting quarterback Andrew Valence. “But they’re still the same guys they’ve always been. It’s just a little hard to see past a center the size of a minivan. I’m just glad they’re on our team! And we all try to stay away from them in the showers.” According to Valence, the players have come up with several nicknames for the enlarged players, such as “the Bowling Ball” for Zildjian and “the Wooly Mammoth” for Sosha. Fans have affectionately embraced these names.

Coach Tim McMahon says that his strategies haven’t changed since his starting players grew so large. “All of these guys are massively talented; now they just have the massive frames to go along with it.” Poised to face William and Mary this Saturday, Coach McMahon has no worries. “We’re going to come at them with the same intensity we always have. And because half my starting players are the size of mac trucks, that intensity is probably going to bust on through.”

The Wildcats will be facing William and Mary’s Griffins this Saturday, broadcast on ESPNU.

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WILLIAM AND MARY STEAMROLLS OVER UNH AFTER SEVEN PLAYERS ARE REMOVED FROM THE FIELD

“Mutant Chicken Meat” Blamed for Bizarre Side Effects

The “Swollen Seven” (as the seven UNH football players enlarged by irradiated chicken meat have come to be known) discovered a bizarre side effect, in addition to their initial weight-gain, that they hadn’t expected.

Just after half-time, with the Wildcats ahead 57-13, center Max Sosha clutched his stomach and tumbled forward just before the beginning of a play. Before he could be removed from the field, Sosha’s body suddenly began to swell like a balloon, shocking the other players and the fans.

“He just started screaming, ‘Get my pads off! Get ‘em off!’” said quarterback Andrew Valence. “I tried, but then they just popped anyway. He swelled up so big he was pretty much naked except his helmet, his cleats and his jock—thank God for that last part.”

Within seconds, fellow offensive linemen Rod Beauregard and Mike DiLorenzo complained of severe pain before their own bodies began to expand, bursting out of their uniforms, to the point that they were unable to move. Runningback Curt Zildjian, seeming to know what was next, started running, but he soon slowed down before his own body became immobilized by its suddenly massive bulk. Sure enough, on the sidelines were three more grotesquely huge players: Buzz Allan, Stephen Childs and Corey Mullins, the remaining three of the infamous “seven.”

“They were like big hairy meat blimps!” said William and Mary linebacker Will Folsom. “Probably seven foot tall and wide, almost perfectly round. They just kept wiggling their hands and feet because they couldn’t move. That big center was crying! Sobbing like a baby. Probably because his planet-sized naked butt was pointed at his own fans.”

The game was delayed for over 90 minutes while UNH staff and paramedics struggled to get the gigantic players off the field and to a hospital. An attempt was made to transport DiLorenzo by helicopter, but after multiple refueling stops, it was decided that the men would be transported by flatbed trucks.

After the seven were removed and replaced, the game finally continued, but the UNH players were unable to collect themselves after witnessing the tragic states of their teammates and William and Mary won. The final score was 68-57.

The players are all in stable condition and are awaiting treatment. Their parents remain hopeful that a reversal can be found, and many are seeking punitive damages from Chickpocalypse, the suppliers of the irradiated chicken wings that caused their sons’ bizarre gigantism, as well as Sweeney farms, where the chicken originated.