Using these ideas, we can then craft a response. Notice how the structure can vary depending on the point you are making and the level. For example, in the Grade 4 response, you can see a much clearer use of What How Why (especially in the first paragraph), which becomes a bit more varied and ambitious by the last paragraph. Whereas in the Grade 9 response, the student is able to blend the ideas together more fluently and can easily bounce back and forth between evidence (How) and explanation (Why) to prove their point (What). 

Grade 4

I agree that the writer makes this part of the story very exciting, tense and scary.

At the beginning, everything seems normal but then a small slab of snow slips under Zoe’s skis. This is the first sign of danger. Soon a quiet rumble starts and quickly gets louder until it turns into a loud roaring noise. Jake shouts urgently at Zoe to get to the side and hang onto a tree. This makes the reader feel worried and tense.

The writer uses strong descriptions to make the avalanche feel powerful and frightening. At first it looks beautiful, like “silky banners” and “the heraldry of armies”, which makes Zoe smile. Then suddenly it becomes terrifying, like a “tsunami at sea”. Zoe is thrown around “like being agitated inside a washing machine” and “punched off her feet”. These comparisons help the reader imagine how violent and out of control the avalanche is.

At the end, there is a scary chattering noise and then everything goes silent and turns black. This leaves the reader shocked.

Overall, the writer uses sounds, action and strong comparisons to build tension and make the avalanche scene dramatic and frightening.

Grade 9

I strongly agree that the writer creates a highly tense and dramatic moment in this extract. The language and structure work together effectively to build a sense of rising danger and chaos.

The tension begins subtly with a “small slab of snow” slipping under Zoe’s skis, which is compared to being “bucked”. This small warning quickly escalates as the “whisper” of skis is replaced by a rumble that grows into a deafening roar. The writer uses short, panicked sentences and urgent dialogue (“Get to the side! To the side!”) to speed up the pace and convey the characters’ fear.

A particularly effective technique is the shift in imagery. The avalanche is initially presented as almost beautiful, with “silky banners” and “the heraldry of armies”, which makes Zoe smile. This creates a moment of false calm before the horror is revealed — “her smile iced over”. The writer then uses powerful similes to show the violence of the event: the snow cloud is like “a tsunami at sea”, and Zoe is “punched off her feet”, “twisting, spinning” and “agitated inside a washing machine”. These vivid descriptions help the reader feel the disorienting, overwhelming power of the avalanche.

The extract ends with a sudden drop into silence and darkness as “the total whiteness faded to grey, and then to black.” This creates a dramatic and ominous conclusion.

Overall, through a combination of sensory language, contrast, pace and powerful imagery, the writer successfully immerses the reader in a thrilling and terrifying experience. The techniques used are very effective at building and sustaining tension throughout the passage.