Hey, we're just friends!
Back off is the message!
It starts out innocently enough. They may work together. Maybe neighbors. Maybe they serve on a civic or church committee together. Perhaps the children are involved in the same athletic/music event.
They meet. They talk. They Talk...and talk...and talk. More time together. More talk.
But, we're just friends.
But, to you, it doesn't FEEL like just friends.
They have an "emotional connection" that is obvious to you and others.
They see nothing wrong with it. Why is everyone so upset? We just talk. No sex. No touching. Nothing.
With this relational stalemate, several problems emerge:
1. Where do you/they draw the line? When is time together too much time together? When are intimate conversations too frequent. Where is the line? Real fuzzy. It's like trying to pin the tail on the donkey after twirling around a dozen times.
2. A good balance between family responsibilities, social life and self care is trashed. Their "friendship" moves to center stage.
3. In reality, relationships stagnate and never become fully emotionally consummated. They remain connected as "friends," but do not face the challenges of life with it's thrills/agony/conflict/joy. As well, s/he distances and ceases pursuing deeper intimacy in the marriage.
4. Just friends, means, like I said before: Stay away! This may mean: "I'm confused. I've lost my bearings. I'm clueless about what is vitally important to me. I fear intimacy - but want to feel good (as in "close to someone.")
OK, let's ramp it up a notch.
It moves from "just friends" to the day when s/he says to you: "You know, I've been thinking and this is difficult for me to say, but, "I find that I love you, but am not 'in love' with you anymore."
The emotional infidelity may move to having an emotional lover in which sex may or may not occur.
However, the attention, the collusion, the entanglement and the clinginess is intensified.
The intensified attraction may indicate:
1. Your spouse has a need for drama and excitement - likes the juice of a soap opera. Raising children, getting groceries, working to pay the bills, walking the dog, picking up after the dog is too hum-drum. The word "feel" is used a great deal.
2. Self esteem is in question. S/he wants an ideal who will mirror back to him/her exactly what s/he wants (and needs!) to hear - so s/he can feel better.
3. The other person become his/her world - since s/he lacks a solid identity and inner core. The other becomes his/her world because s/he lacks a world. Gosh, being "in love" takes care of everything!
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