Discovering that your spouse is "in love" with another person is shocking. I hear, "I believe I can live with him/her having sex with another person. But, when s/he gives him/herself to someone emotionally, that's a different story."
What can you say, what can you convey to drastically better the odds of rebuilding the relationship or marriage?
Frequently the betrayed spouse is flooded with powerful negative feelings and obsesses how to "win him/her back."
S/he applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in his/her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to his/her family and friends. Calls him/her on the phone. Asks questions... daily, sometimes hourly. S/he is on him/her like a fly on doo-doo.
It doesn't work. Why? Well, for one reason s/he has found all the stimulation and excitement s/he supposedly needs in his/her new found "love."
At a deeper level this excessive behavior is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and s/he is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, s/he is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold him/her firm when the
wind of drama entices him/her and blows around him/her.
If you bombard him/her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help him/her in ways s/he really seeks.
S/he might, with more intensity, begin comparing you to the other person. Your chances of losing and experiencing more pain are increased dramatically when your neediness comes seeping out of your every pore. Sorry!
Consider this strategy to address the problem and give you a better than average chance of saving your relationship. It's called "back off!"
Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent - most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!
Remember, this "in love" state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The "romance" will eventually fizzle and become tepid.
S/he needs the space. S/he needs some quiet moments to truly hear him/herself and face the emptiness within. S/he will be aware of a part of him/her that states, "This is only temporary. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the
real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I experienced this knot in my stomach when s/he is absent? What does this say about me?"
This is his/her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don't get in his/her way.
I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. Learning to calm yourself, monitor your thoughts, feelings and actions is paramount in helping you follow the path that will get you the best relational and personal results.
In my coaching practice at, often at this point, I teach a pivotal skill called, "charging neutral" which enables a person to "back off" effectively." Use that skill. This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you - apart from what s/he does with her/him - that you build a strong
foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.
Learning how to charge neutral provides a myriad of possibilities for you to expand your self and your world.
Oh, by the way. S/he will notice! And....s/he might like it.
Backing off does not mean that you don't have anything to do with him/her. Quite the contrary. You need to maintain a connection to him/her and you want that connection to be sound and healthy. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.
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