The Morning After

It became too hard.

Too difficult to be in the same vicinity as the others who had been harmed from the Sunderlands mission. After I attempted to aid my team with the left over med-kits I could practically feel my soul leaving my body, despite having two. That is if Null, my demon, counted at all in that way. Just seeing what everybody has been through, some way worse off then others, I just had to get out of there. It reminded me of what she became - no, what Lacie became. And what had happened to those people.

I needed to go home... although, in hindsight, I wish I stayed just a bit longer then I did.

Walking to my apartment was an absolute nightmare. 

The paranoia.
The stress.
The anxiety. 

Everything was crawling up and down my spine feeling like a permanent bug on my skin. Disgusting and obnoxious. Thinking about it more sanely, I'm sure I got a lot of concerned looks seeing my torn, stained clothing and overly tense body - I wouldn't blame them at all if they thought I had stolen something. In a way it was nice to not be bothered by a stranger with something like this, being in a busy city did that to a person. Wanting to stay sheltered and hidden away from things that crept in the shadows. I wish I realized sooner that I never would have wanted that - being the social butterfly I was. Yet, I did exactly that... like a coward.

I had barely gotten into my apartment at all with how much my hands were shaking but when I did, I didn't open that door again for a long time. Locking it and then triple checking I locked it for sure, the first thing I did was slide my back down the door and sobbed. The tears started before I knew I was crying and they weren't going to be stopped anytime soon. Succumbing to my despair, I slid my hands to my face, crunched my knees up tight to my body and wailed like a child. I hadn't cried like that in a long time - perhaps never before. Null, who usually was very expressive, was silent in my time of agony. At the time I had wished he was there to comfort me... after all he was the only other person or thing that knew and I wasn't about to go looking to my team members. 

They had their own hearts to manage.

Despite crying being cathartic, this time I had on the floor in front of my door was not a peaceful one. The hyper awareness of the mission made me distrust even my own apartment - which is pretty silly but at the time I couldn't help but think about that battle Lacie had in a city. A city much like my own. If those angels could find us here... Ah- I don't want to think about it.

I didn't know how to feel so I just felt everything at once.
It was the lowest I've ever felt.
I was in misery.

I hadn't remembered sleeping... or moving from my spot on the floor in front of the door. But here I was in my bed - and tucked in like I normally would be when I fell asleep. As I tried to lean up to see what was going the sudden ache of my body made me grimace and hiss in pain. I leaned back down to the comfort of my soft bed with a sigh. My arms, my legs, just everything felt sore like I had overstretched all my muscles. There was also a faint dullness to my touch like the nerves were numb. Like every muscle was just waking up for the first time in a week. Was that what being electrocuted felt like? If so I was not into doing that again. Frowning at the memory that crept in, I closed my eyes and willed it to go away before opening them again.

Taking a moment to regain my composure, I leaned up slowly. Looking around my apartment seemed peaceful, everything in its perfect spot as usual - not like I was really a stickler for those things. Being messy was the least of my worries. Lifting the blanket off my body I noticed I was in my favourite over-sized pajamas and a lot of the dirt that was on me last night was wiped off but not well. Weird. Looking to my tangled hair that draped my shoulders though, it didn't seem like Null wanted to use a brush after he took out my ponytail. Perhaps he didn't want to risk me waking up... that is, if I fell asleep at all.

A soft chuckle rang through my tired haze, "Mornin' lovely. I took the liberty of getting you off the disgusting floor." Like the devil- if you call for him, he shall appear. I puffed air through my nose in distaste of his spirited voice,

"I cleaned the floors before I left, Null." Despite him using my body as a place to hide I always spoke to Null out loud when I was at home. I didn't have any roommates and lived alone so it was unnecessary to keep it all in my head. The demon only hummed in response, "You know how I hate dirt, Lily." I rolled my eyes at the soft nickname he started to favour, "I was going to shower us as well but I figured you would enjoy that more- that is in our rules, yes?", he sounded so smug, that bastard. At this point, It would have been better if I hadn't woken up at all. Sleeping was easier then dealing with Null. But, I did appreciate a good shower so I admitted defeat.

Not in the mood to stomach bickering with Null, I cautiously made the move to get out of the warmth of bed, "Yeah, yeah." I chided, "Thanks, I guess."

"You don't sound thankful." If Null was able to send a more clear picture of him smirking, he would have to have been face to face.

"I totally am." sarcasm bled from my tone in obvious annoyance.

"Sure, sure-" Null mocked with haste, "Now- please get us clean. I feel significantly horrible." Null pushed me to move although I was already in the middle of standing up. He could be such a child at times. I wondered for a moment if he could even feel the way I did but didn't bother asking him. It wasn't worth the argument. I was able to walk- which to me was a bit of a shock feeling how I did after waking. There was a faint feeling of numbness but nothing too strange.

My room was cozy at best and rather small so it wasn't hard to find my way to the window to see what time of the day it was. I would have checked my phone but I had a predicament. Seeing as I couldn't see the clothing I had on last night anywhere in the bedroom, I realized finding my phone would prove impossible as it was in the pocket of that athletics jacket. Afternoon sun poured through the large window when I shoved the curtains aside, leaving me with a momentary ache in my eyes, "Ugh, it's so bright..." groaning, I took in the view from the fifth floor. People weaved between each other in the usual song and dance- headed home early from work or on their way somewhere else. It had to be around three or so I guessed by the height of the sun and how it was angled into my room. How long did I sleep anyways?

"You slept almost 16 hours." Null chimed in from the back of my mind. I gasped softly at the realization, I never sleep that long, "For awhile I thought you were dead but your snoring reminded me you were alive after all, I was so relieved." his voice bubbled with condescending glee as I couldn't hide the anger that surfaced instantaneously, "Could you shut up like you did last night? Thanks." I barked, hearing him snicker and back off. Grinding my teeth, I forgot about finding my phone for the moment and head straight to the en-suite bathroom to enjoy a nice, hot shower. Anything to get his bullshit off my brain for awhile.

The shower was shorter then expected but I felt like I was in there forever. Looking at the mirror no longer looking like hot garbage was incredibly refreshing. Grazing my hands over my body I couldn't help but notice all the bruises that lingered... honestly, it looked like I got taken to an alley way and beat up. My lips quirked to a small smirk, if my brothers ask, I will tell them that I got into a badass fight and won. 

They would believe me for sure. But...

Just as fast as the smirk came, it had left. I looked at the mirror again as I leaned on my sink, taking in the view of my exhausted features. Despite getting cleaned up and covering my small cuts in my favourite cute kitty band-aids, I couldn't hide that look in my eyes-- in my soul.

My eyes just didn't look as bright as they usually were. I could hide that from my parents. The twins would know something was wrong. There was no way I could face them like this. If I saw their concern I would cry instantly, it was just how it was. Kain and James, despite being airheads, were not stupid and they knew me way too well. I would never be able to hide that I was upset to them... nor would I want to. Exactly why I couldn't see them. I would not lie to them. They really did not deserve the confusion and pain I was going through and the further I could keep them from it, the better. If something ever happened to them...

I clenched my fists tightly against the sink. No. I would not think about that. With a longing sigh, I dressed myself and dragged my ass out of the humid bathroom. Giving a look to my bedroom once more, I finally opened the door to the living room. Stunned for a moment I tried to absorb the scene I was introduced to. All of my dirty, messy clothing laid scattered around the room. Walking around the back of the couch I looked around for my jacket and found it resting on my arm chair, "Jesus christ, Null..." I muttered as I picked it up, examining it and reaching into the pockets, "Did you forget how to dress? It's not like you to be this messy." As I waited for him to answer I finally noticed the phone wasn't in the pockets but had fallen to the ground, the black screen reflecting the low lighting. I dropped the jacket on the chair and crouched down to grab what I had been looking for, taking it to the couch and getting comfortable. I hit the button on the side a few times but it refused to light up. It was dead. I huffed in frustration as my head leaned back to face the ceiling... but it was a blessing in disguise. 

Did I really want to see what was on there? Was I ready for it?

Biting my lip in thought, I heard Null snort at me, "Me? The messy one? Ha!" I closed my eyes, "I did not exactly have a lot of power when I possessed you--" Ah, so he did force me out of my body in my hysteria, "I had to be as fast as possible with how you felt. It wasn't exactly easy, my dear." I shrugged and proceeded to melt into the couch. Lifting the phone into the air and facing it once more, the anxiety of plugging it in started to weigh down on me like it was keeping me anchored in place. I could feel Null going to talk but instead he just hummed, a faint buzzing in my ears keeping me from thinking too hard. He often did this. He didn't enjoy my overthinking. It made him uncomfortable, but he didn't understand why and it was obvious, "Why don't you get something to eat, lovely?" Null was quieter this time; a soft, comforting tone, "You should be hungry after all that." I really should be.

But I wasn't.
I closed my eyes again, bringing the phone to my chest.

After a good twenty minutes of lounging on the couch, taking in the silence, I finally decided to turn on the T.V.. I wanted some type of noise that wasn't the meaningless chatter of Null in my ears. Don't get me wrong- he has a nice voice but it will maybe give us something to focus on for the rest of the day. As soon as I turned it on, it was turned to some reality show that I haven't seen in awhile. I quickly realized I wasn't really in the mood for it so I started to flip through the channels on my guide. I love my Netflix and everything but you can't beat just putting on a channel and letting it make the choices for you. Blinking tiredly, I finally found myself looking at a home renovation show and decided to let it play. There seemed to be a marathon of it on so I just got comfortable and let the show play.

It has been an hour and it's official.
I cannot focus.

I couldn't tell if it was from my influence but it was obvious that Null has been having a hard time focusing as well. I figured having numb nerves was from the effect of the electrocution yet it seemed to invade my heart as well. It was difficult to get invested in their stories and their plans, hard to care without being drawn away by a drifting thought like a dog chasing after a squirrel. Usually it was dumb stuff like, 'what am I doing for dinner?' or 'what is on the other channels that I'm missing out on?' but some of the other thoughts were a little bit more intense, such as, 'what was in that weird stew I ate?' or the repeating question of 'why did I have to witness five people die?'. 

It was becoming harder to avoid the intense ones. I steadily realized that fear and anxiety was numbing my view to the perfectly peaceful T.V. show that played on in front of me. I was listening and watching but... I wasn't here. Null was getting uncomfortable, the faint sound of his white noise buzzing played in the back of my mind like I had tinnitus. A clear noise of his dissatisfaction. Soon my brain exploded like a dam, releasing nasty thought after nasty thought.

What could we have done better? Could we have saved Lacie of her 'shattering'? I should have done better for the team... Was it possible I was too forward with my question? I made her scared, if she agreed faster we all could have left before anything happened! Eveleen was so nice but she was just there to murder Lacie! 

Goddammit! What if we noticed this before?! Nobody would have had to get hurt and Misty wouldn't had to have died due to our poor actions! 

If I was stronger, I could have examined the body-- I could had done more-- If it just had been m--

"Lilith!" Null's voice overpowered my senses, his voice was stern and forceful, "Don't you dare finish that statement." It took me a long time to process what Null had meant. Tears rolled down my cheeks in globs, my vision and mind blurry with emotion. Why do I feel this way? It's not like I want to-- no. No. No.

NO! "I didn't..." my voice was hoarse and low, "... It's not what I meant to s-say..." I barely got out the last word. I was trembling. It felt like my entire core was shaking and I felt deranged and out of place. I wasn't going to say that! How could I? How is this me?! Null didn't respond, only scoffing with anger at my poor defense.

We both knew what I was going to say.

My puffy eyes and exhaustion were a sobering experience, pulling me from my haze. I don't know where I went-- mentally-- but it was clear I was back. I was laying down on the couch, dragging myself up to a sitting position. The T.V. was still on but my phone and the remote were on the floor... they must have fell off the couch when I laid down. Memories of my panic attack flooded my senses but this time I was prepared for it. As best as I could be.

If Null wasn't here to calm me down then I don't know what could have happened. But... all I felt was the relief and comfort from the buzzing that annoyed me only a little while ago. With a large sigh, I blinked my tired eyes toward the digital stove-top clock and saw it was just after seven at night. Wow. I slept for awhile didn't I?

I found myself wandering to the bathroom and I looked in the mirror, freezing in place to view myself.I was an absolute mess.

Not looking for long, I went to my large soaker tub and started to fill it with warm steamy water. It has been awhile since I last had a bath but I think it was about time I deserved one. Maybe then I could try to untangle the clutter in Null and I's minds. It was getting hard on both of us and that mission to the Sunderlands was the breaking point. Perhaps for both of us, Null was just a lot better at hiding his feelings.

It didn't take long for the tub to fill with water, the noise itself was relaxing and it seemed to have an effect on both me and Null. It felt like a clearing of the air. An invitation to speak. I skimmed the water with my fingers, never afraid to take the first step toward healthy conversation, "Hey Null?" my voice softly echoed in the tiled bathroom.

There was a small pause but eventually I felt him come close, "Yes, my sweet?" he questioned, seemingly curious. Despite his language, I knew he wasn't flirting. "Do... you have regrets?" I asked, unexpectedly timid. He hummed in thought, letting me take a moment to myself to get into the tub. It was very euphoric and I was very happy he let me get comfortable in the warm water before continuing the conversation. It was a blessing to feel the heat around my body... much like a hug I desperately needed.

"Regrets about what, Lilith?" Null decided to let me explain myself. I let the water go up to my chin, "I don't really know... was there anything big in your life that changed and you regretted letting it happen?" I tried to disguise my intentions but after hearing it out loud it was pretty obvious what I was talking about. I was terrible at this.

Null knew I was too, and chuckled. Yet, he played along, "There is only one thing of that level that I have experienced." he began, talking in a tone I couldn't quite decipher yet, "At first I did not know how to think of it. I was not as upset over it as I thought... in fact I think it was something I needed." It was hard for me to fully grasp the full picture of this mysterious regret since I had no idea what he was talking about, "I believe I was annoyed for awhile, but after I realized what I wanted, it was hard to regret choosing the route that I did."

"Choosing the route?" He knew what I was talking about so this was a bit confusing to me. He was a good speaker so there was no way he would get confused in his intentions.

"Yes." Null paused, "All this that happened. Falling, meeting you, making a pact with you. These are all choices I had made." Ah, that's what he meant. "It's likely I would make them again, even knowing this outcome. But, we will never know that outcome until we get there." He paused just for a moment, "I cannot logically regret something that I did not know the future of... it seems unfair." In those last words I knew he wasn't talking about himself. It was a message to me... or maybe I was just being selfish.

Dipping my mouth into the water, I bubbled it like I was a child. I took a moment to think about what he said. Was it really so easy to forgive myself for something I didn't know would happen? Something I had no control over. I'm sure for Null it is easier to move past that but I can't dismiss his own feelings either... it's possible this experience he had was real and tough to move past as well. Is it possible he was able to move past it because he met me?

No way, that's way too romantic. I shook my head, "Unfair... to yourself?" I asked the obvious question.

"How can you say sorry for something that hasn't happened yet?" He immediately spoke with clarity, "You can only fix how to move forward... so..." he stopped talking and it seemed odd. I furrowed my brows, "So?"

"How will you move forward Lilith?" Something changed, he sounded like he was-- "Will you be there for the rest of them that are still here? Or will you never find out what happens next?" I whipped my head to the left-- toward the voice that no longer resided in my mind, but echoed against my bathroom tiles. A man that felt like the image of Null knelt toward me. He sat on his knee, eye level with my bewildered expression and matched it with one of confidence and certainty. I got lost in the confusion, his eyes pulled me in like they did the first night I met him and I was instantly reminded of that day.

Null made me feel safe.
Null was trying to be here for me- and now literally he was.
Right here.

Devilishly smirking.

"Null..." I closed my eyes for a moment, the tender moment gone in seconds as I was grossly reminded of our situation. "Yes, my dear?"
I took a breath in and snapped my eyes open,

"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY BATHROOM!"