For many years, I was ashamed of my past and the person I had been. Looking back now, I can see that shame came from wanting to hide who I was and the life I had lived.
Today, twenty years later, I'm grateful to share my story...not because it's about me, but because it's about what God has done. My hope is that as you read, you'll see not only how God changed my life, but also how gracious, holy, and faithful He is.
I grew up in Ohio in a small family and was raised in the Catholic Church. I attended a Catholic grade school and later an all-girls Catholic high school run by nuns.
From the outside, it seemed like I was in the best possible place spiritually. I received all the expected sacraments...infant baptism, First Communion, and Confirmation...and I was involved in many of the church's activities.
But beneath the surface, I was living two very different lives.
With adults, I was respectful and wanted to please my parents, teachers, and church leaders.
With my friends, I was rebellious and regularly made sinful choices.
In my mind, those two lives somehow balanced each other out. I thought that if I was "good enough" most of the time, then I was probably okay with God.
The problem was that I was measuring myself by my own standard instead of God's.
The Bible says:
"All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one."
- Romans 3:12
I didn't understand it then, but God's standard isn't that we're better than other people. His standard is His own perfect holiness...and by that standard, every one of us falls short.
When I left for college, I quickly realized academics weren't my passion. What I loved was the freedom of being on my own. No one was watching over me anymore, and I began living however I wanted.
In 2004, I moved to Los Angeles, and that lifestyle only intensified.
I chased fun, excitement, and whatever felt good in the moment. I was constantly partying, and eventually my days and nights all seemed to blur together.
At the time, I thought I was living life to the fullest.
But looking back, I can see I was caught in a cycle that constantly promised satisfaction and never actually delivered it.
Ecclesiastes describes it perfectly:
"Whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them... Then I considered all that my hands had done... and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind."
- Ecclesiastes 2:10–11
From the outside, my life probably looked exciting. Inside, though, I was empty.
No amount of freedom, entertainment, or temporary happiness could fill what was missing.
God Pursued Me
Around that time, I was working at Hollister, where four of my coworkers attended Grace Community Church, a Bible-teaching church in the area. They invited me over and over again, but I always declined. I simply wasn't interested in church.
Then a new employee started working with us, and he caught my attention. I remember thinking, Maybe I should check this church out after all.
Definitely not the best motive...but God, in His kindness, used it to bring me there.
In 2006, I finally accepted the invitation. It was my first experience in a church where the Bible was taught verse by verse. At that point, I wasn't even sure God existed. If He did, I assumed He was simply some kind of "higher power."
Week after week, I kept going back. For the first time, I wasn't hearing opinions, traditions, or religious rituals...I was hearing God's Word explained clearly.
Even though I continued living the same lifestyle, something was changing. I wanted to know more about God, but I wasn't yet ready to surrender my life to Him.
As I continued listening to Scripture, I began learning truths that completely changed the way I understood God...and myself.
The Bible teaches that God is the Creator.
"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth."
- Genesis 1:1
God isn't merely an idea or a higher power. He created everything, including me. Because He is my Creator, He has authority over my life, and I am accountable to Him.
I also learned that God is Holy.
"You shall be holy, for I am holy."
- 1 Peter 1:16
God's holiness became the standard by which I was measured...not my own standard and not the standards of the people around me.
I had spent years living for myself and doing what felt right to me. The Bible calls that sin, and sin separates us from God.
"Your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God."
- Isaiah 59:2
I also came to understand that God is perfectly Just.
A good judge cannot ignore wrongdoing simply because someone has done some good things. Justice requires that guilt be dealt with. In the same way, God's perfect justice means that sin cannot simply be overlooked.
The penalty for sin isn't determined by comparing ourselves to other people. Every sin is ultimately against a holy God, and the penalty is His righteous judgment.
"...inflicting vengeance on those who do not know God and on those who do not obey the gospel of our Lord Jesus."
- 2 Thessalonians 1:8
For the first time, I understood what the Bible actually teaches about hell.
One day, I wouldn't stand before God and be compared with everyone else. I would stand before the Judge Himself.
"For the wages of sin is death..."
- Romans 6:23a
That realization was sobering.
But thankfully, Romans 6:23 doesn't end there.
"...but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
- Romans 6:23b
I was also learning that God is Love.
Even though every one of us stands guilty before a holy God and deserves His judgment, God didn't leave us without hope.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."
- John 3:16
God sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to live the perfect life that I never could. Jesus willingly went to the cross and took the full punishment my sins deserved. Then He rose from the dead, proving that He is exactly who He claimed to be and conquering sin and death.
As I continued hearing these truths week after week, the weight of my own sin became impossible to ignore.
For the first time, I realized I wasn't simply making mistakes...I had been living in rebellion against the God who created me.
I knew something needed to change.
I remember thinking, I need to become a Christian.
The problem was...I had no idea how.
One night, I spent hours searching online for one simple answer: "How do you become a Christian?"
I found page after page with different prayers to recite and steps to follow. I tried them, hoping something would happen...but nothing did.
I remember thinking, This can't be it.
It felt so similar to what I had known growing up: say the right words, do the right things, pray the right prayer, and move on. But there was no real change.
Discouraged, I went back to church the following Sunday.
On August 6, 2006, the pastor was preaching from Mark 1:16–20, where Jesus calls His first disciples.
"Follow Me..."
As he explained the passage, something finally clicked.
When Jesus called His disciples, they left everything behind and followed Him. The invitation wasn't merely to believe certain facts about Him...it was a call to surrender to Him.
The pastor said that when Jesus says, "Follow Me," there are ultimately only two responses: obedience or disobedience.
I realized that following Jesus meant turning away from my old life and placing my complete trust in Him.
The Bible calls that repentance and faith.
Right there in my seat, I confessed my sin to God and asked Him to forgive me. I placed my faith completely in Jesus Christ...in His perfect life, His death on the cross for my sins, and His resurrection.
That morning, everything changed.
The Bible describes salvation this way:
"For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast."
- Ephesians 2:8–9
I wasn't saved because I had finally become a good person. I wasn't saved because of prayers I prayed, a church I attended, or anything I had accomplished.
I was saved by God's grace through faith in Jesus Christ.
From that day forward, God immediately began changing me from the inside out.
My desires changed.
My language changed.
My love for sin began to fade.
I developed a genuine desire to read the Bible and know God more deeply.
One of the clearest ways I saw God transform my heart was something I never would have expected.
Before becoming a Christian, I honestly didn't like kids.
Not long after I was saved, a friend invited me to serve in the children's ministry at church. I agreed, and to my surprise, I absolutely loved it.
I loved learning the Bible in that setting. It was being taught so clearly and simply that I continued growing right alongside the children. It also gave me a front-row seat to something I hadn't experienced growing up...watching God's Word faithfully taught, verse by verse, in a way people could truly understand.
God continued growing that love over the years.
Today, I still serve in children's ministry, and God has also blessed my husband and me with five wonderful children of our own.
If someone had told me years earlier that this would become one of the greatest joys of my life, I never would have believed them.
It wasn't simply a change in behavior.
It was God doing exactly what He promises to do when He saves someone.
"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you... And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes..."
- Ezekiel 36:26–27
If you've read this far, maybe you recognize some of your own story in mine.
Perhaps you've been trusting in your own goodness, your religious background, your family, your traditions, or your efforts to make yourself right with God.
I know what that's like.
But none of those things can make us right with God.
Jesus calls every one of us to respond to Him.
"The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel."
- Mark 1:15
God offers forgiveness and eternal life to everyone who turns to Jesus in repentance and faith.
Every one of us will ultimately respond to Jesus in one way or another.
My prayer is that you will respond in faith and obedience.
If my story has done anything, I hope it hasn't pointed you to me.
I hope it has pointed you to the Savior who completely changed my life.