it used to be for everyone, my life

'til it looked like it wasn't mine

'til it felt like they were always in it

i just feel like a really, really sad person

and, i've lost the gift to express it

all souls have held back

the way death refuses to end after.

apologies become more apologetic

withdrawing from a play in the circus

i feel like there's so much love in me

but at the same time i feel so tarnished

you can't lose something you never had

but you do lose yourself for what you never have had

the birds' song reminded me of you

still reminds me of you

there are so many things i didn't want to talk about that i forgot how to talk about them

i forced myself in a state of no cry

that my inner child forces it way out like i trapped her

all because i wanted to be strong

and be less of who i  always was

i acknowledge mistakes i never committed the way i claim a love that has long been prohibited. 

i am trying so, and very hard yet when i do..

it just feels like i'm not uspposed to

i'll never be a teacher

yet i want to for my teachers weren't that good

but when i teach i get so angry

as i had to learn it myself

they said i must speak my mind

i remember always forgetting not to.

you fools always bait me.

pouring from an empty cup,

twenty wasn't where it stopped.

there's a constant.

for once in my life i've gone close enough to name it.

all the disasters,

my hands found ways to counterattack.

yet, i'm familiar with disorientation.

as if all the situations in the world were mine to keep.

cliffhanging.

my stance broke faster than a blink of an eye.

did i get a glimpse of falling enmity?

the sonorous sound of catch-22

since when did i look so skeptical?

it was a veil they usually wear.

there goes a

i'm so scared of being treated right

what if he brings out umbrellas on my rainy times.

and i'll take it all for advantage, 

what an advantage i'm taking for granted

never have i drawn a fist

aiming at my long-term plans.

someone called, told that i was arrogant

i've been losing it all

was it not the time to be selfish?

with all the things i was losing

there was courage in me to admit

yet this annual stage of life seems lethargic,

as far as i know, to failure i'm allergic.

the plates moved me away from the stationary vision

i swear that i prayed and stayed kind to the commission 

if it's nothing to be worth of, 

am i nothing but a boredom.. to fate?

had a shelf for my self-proclaimed titles

introvert, delusional, and most of it, humble

turns out, you are the back of a paper

they start over to rename you.

you start to grow more anxious

there i found it.

all i ever were was alone.

all i ever will be is a lone.

the touch of ever warm late nights

and, the whispers in loud sceneries.

all that ever were was for me.

no us, no you.

just me.

your lingering scent aromatized me

and my fears held on the thinnest branch

my weight pretended to be light.

i always see her,

resting at the back of my mind.

her relaxation stressing out mine.

all those little glances she makes

as if it was to make sure i remember.

no matter how far i ran and hid,

she's take a step larger then a mile.

do you not see it in my lips?

when i dodge the bullet that must paralyze

one that bleeds out the truest love,

the realest result of what we did thorough time.

the future i built, i break it in pieces

i tear down the murals of my dreams

only to haunt me and hope i die.

she rays better than the sun,

you burn greater then the fire.

and i break faster than a chalk.

none of you sees it.

i saw my own signs,

how come none of you did?

feeding myself with my own poison.

entertaining the crowd i aimed to kill.

all i ever were was a lone.

all i ever will be is alone.

the one who builds their walls high quickly

are those who takes it down easily

to intimidate, never to lose.

you found a moment of silence

in between, the valley where we grew a stone.

the sun rose until it flatter us to its death,

never since did it rise again.

it's been half a year or more than all my yearning,

you left such severe and irreversible damage.

i heard you've been hunting,

dearest hunter gatherer.

how's the massive impact of the drought,

too much sunshine, less of me was brought.

how malleable your creativity,

you created a side of me who hates you,

yet grieves thee.

did your vows never need my words?

did the ring fit better than your curse?

i can see your water and it's a truth,

you crave for love when you lose it in you.

paths brushed at last,

i remembered valleys of our past.

my wave of nostalgi brought none,

later on you knew how mad i've gone.

is it time to go,

i'm past having to know

a bit of you, too much bit i tried view.

no matter how near your are in lens

the focus you made was none to expect.

how are you? i never asked..

did you see the grave which through time we've carved?

how are you!

swimming through the crowd to look for her

wondering how it is you i found..

my heart skipped a beat,

your eyes looked too mean.

no words from your vocabulary hits me suddenly.

we were only around fifteen,

i heard you laugh more than once.

rode my bike to maritime sunset,

my friends did too and i was proud.

i rhymed words like evil and rebel,

the latter stays anonymous to me.

yet when she called me that night,

i was glad you were by my side.

how are we not friends like we used to be?

you kept putting out the fire of my will.

pushed me away like you can heal.

yet i knew how much i was needed,

through the screen i typed "you're all i'm missin"

dawn breaks and i paint with my thoughts

talking to a dead air as if my audience were literates.

hitting myself with pinterest questions

come silent with a dumb realization.

maybe im so lonely no one ever hears these sceneries

romantic with a mixture of comedy

getting really married with delusions gaining merit

maybe God laughs hard til it hurts Him

the angels list these massive moments

as if im waking the asian country

with my disorder and self causing mockery

recordings i dont play

moments i let fade

the times i was so wise

i hide in disguise

she stutters  publicly 

confident in the dim

i blame my younger me

allowed to grow herself

without knowing what should be felt

there's a belt on my waist

planning a tattoo on its base

asking "how many years will it take?"

are they all settling to waste.

could someone scratch my back

there's an itch on my mind

somehow i can't get to that

humming all of the songs i can't sing

listening to a beat of my heart

saying "come as you are"

you don't even know who you are.

they called me once

it reverberates

you knew me well 

it's none i normally say

there's a belt on my waist

can't count the number of days

'til i'm ripped and naked

you don't get to say

i'm wasting love

trying all to be enough

strange to feel

love of people straying away from you.

is it necessary for it to be appointed.. to meee

even friends can make you feel friendless

all deaths are unexpected 

even if you are seated beside a death bed

even if it's already waving goodbye

even if they have shared their final thoughts

and even if you've cried in peace.

it will never be expected.

i think i've always wanted a beautiful life

but it only ended up being just deep..

too deep.

so much life in you,

even death struggled to stand a chance.

'til your sympathy let it win.

still i wonder why i never left

i had a room filled with anger, hatred, loathe or love

was it embarrassment, i've been setting?

sold my interests, it feels upsetting

having to think..

perhaps it isn't coming off the way i wanted it.

i don't like who i am

do you miss me young?

and ,all i have are people i compare myself with.

it's enough

for far too long, i've felt enough.

however, comes more, and more, then more.

does beng a person mean destruction to be like all other?

do all passions die under burning desires?

can anyone see it in my eyes?

i just want to be happy.

they all seem far

where am i?

comes a big moon they placed on the hole

i see nothing else

but an echo of my potentials that died

i don't like whatever's going on with.

the wrong ones

heavier, the right ones