When you meet someone after getting cheated on— trust issues stand as a stumbling block. It is either you climb up, jump over it, drill a hole through it or you just let it block all the light.
You will feel some sort of guilt when you decide to turn away from the potential weight of good or bad news carried by the man waiting on the other side.
This boy I met, he is compassionate and he is pragmatic. He proves that he is determined to win over a lady who had just gone through the worst design of a relationship. He has a full bore white soul, if he didn’t, then he won’t suggest himself to pass over the stumbling block instead of me.
And as a child of a perfectly flawed family, I don’t think I’d ever match with someone who’s never been touched by the creator’s evil boding charisma, when I’m horribly made out of it.
2021
I Am These Pages
When someone arrives and you have not yet moved on
from the one that had never once happened.
It is as if you are giving hope to the dead.
And, I do not wish to be the dead he hopes to rise again.
Let me heal first.
2021 November
I Am These Pages
These little things made me remember him well.
I remember him when I should not have forgotten about him in the first place.
The touch of his from when he let go of my hand still runs on my skin.
It is making me feel blameworthy.
He used to be this someone.
The man who looked after me when I didn’t know how to do it myself.
And, he still is that man.
Only, I grew to forget what it truly meant to have him.
Now all I can say is... I had him.
Mommy, I left my toy at the beach
Remember when I said I did not like it?
Guess what, I did.
It wasn’t even that expensive, that’s why I left it.
But, mommy, I never knew what I had
‘cause I did not earn for it enough
to know how much I had to lose.
Can you find me it?
Please.
2022 September
I Am These Pages
The greenest grass lured me in when I saw you alone down the field
I took a shot to capture you as you’ve captured my heart in every bits.
There were no guards on duty so I assumed a chance for me
We threw a boomerang up in the air
and for a month you’ve been kissing my hair
Out of the blue the greenest grass turn to do wrong with my trust.
You said goodbye and that this wasn’t right
I had to step out of your path.
I drank too much and to songs I spent coins
Your cousin stood witness to my weakest point
My friends all said after december crime
I can love you but I should mourn you right.
Then one night in January, someone stole my treasured gem
After all that he took from me he called me things you’d never say
that I was useless and that he should go away
all because I cried for your name.
I walked home drunk like my tears met with drought
if i’m grieving for you does it mean I allowed him
to pour the glass you should be filling
but what am I feeling right now?
I called you on the phone then you finally came along
you smiled at me and it felt whole
after all this can we finally go home?
can the fastest boomerang I caught break and build us again
I’m tired but stay and give me your days away.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
And there she was again lying on the floor, staring up at the ceiling of her darkened room; never did she expect to once more be dragged back in a position where she had to watch someone, whose painless dagger is driven deep into her soul, walk away.
A withered flower under the scorching heat— that was all she saw of herself right at the moment those eyes met the blinding surface of the screen; for once in her life she was thankful for not having to figure something out on her own as she whispers underneath her breath ‘now I am back on my own.’
How does one miraculously make a cold-blooded soul feel things again?
If all love before was pain and prison,
how could one easily let the broken see love as less of a threat and more like a home?
How does one bring the best out of someone
and apologize for the fear that they cannot live better before leaving?
He never looked back as she stared at the back of his head..
with the expectation that he would.
The dagger of his grows rust as she learns to outgrow him. While his heart seeks another, she would walk his tracks in silence to cope; she would leave traces to remind him that what her heart seeks for is still him. “A lucky woman” is what she calls herself at those little whiles where she was noticed. Even painful moments with him now unbelievably drew a smile on her face— the face he used to mark with kisses that faded into scars.
For whatever it is worth, he was purely loved by her and all that may escape from her mouth to describe him would forever be just the sweetest and the kindest words. Only from time to time her head lives in hatred against time; and so there she was again living for the hope that there would be another alleyway back into his life, just one last time.
2023 January
I Am These Pages
One day a strange alleyway appeared down her usual walking path. A wish comes by when you pine less for it, and after those whiles she was distracted it was only this time that she noticed. A voice whispered her name as she wondered how it knew who she was. A shadowed figure stood at the end as she tried to unglue her stance.
It was him. The man she had been hoping to have back— at last, never living to hope but to love.
A year had gone by and I found myself giving it all, it may not be the best but much better than I ever used to. When all before was immeasurable, unbalanced, and foggy love then I am pretty sure this alleyway that led me back into his life is far from dragging me back to what came before him. The scars that they caused happen to be admired by him.
And, there she was again giving a chance to what she pushed away after the great war. May all good love be brought back by an alleyway.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
Beach and Beer.
If my feet never touched the sand that night.
If I stayed home and instead slept tight.
If I did, would things be different this time?
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I didn't know,
I didn't know, I didn't.
I did it, didn't I?
Did my innocence leave childhood? Did my heart ache kill innocence? Did they suffer? But then the shade of my soul turned to be darker than the dead night. My arms wrapped around threat, my lips kissed its death, my desperation came to be filled by sin.
All around me, a monster,
all around him, a monster,
all around.
But if my eyes were shut in that haunted moment then why does the scene flash me every night, every time? Every cry, every guilt, it's all mine. Not his, the monster, but mine. All mine, not his, the monster. I’m his, the monster, I die. A fire inside. I confessed, they all heard. I said, the monster took it, he had my first.
reserved, stolen, don't be reversed.
reserved, stolen, don't be reversed.
reserved, stolen, don't be reversed
My hands were shaking. I could see my boy leaving. My heart was scared. My innocence is wandering out there. Somewhere away, away, away. Far, far away from me.
I didn't want it, did I?
My boy said it was fine,
not for me, babe, not for me, punish me
My pretty boy said it was fine,
not for me, babe, not for me, hate me
2023
I Write Because They Talk
I can't help but wonder
if someone has ever seen me the way I view myself.
I hate the things I love as much as I love the things I hate.
I live for the moment as every moment I make drains the life out of my soul.
I manifest death upon myself as I try to avoid the ceasing of life.
And, I await for rewards that I had never even attempted to exert an effort for.
I am a complex being.
2023 February
I Am These Pages
I look at him and realize that my fear lives more than the happiness and love I have within me. Each time butterflies decide to prom in my stomach when he presses his lips onto mine, these creatures gradually die from the toxins of my thoughts. It burns more than I am electrified by the sparks between us.
I am loved. I know that— he lets me see and hear it all the time for I am touched by his love that remains untouchable to others. A man known by everyone is tragically a man unknown to my heart. I could write a thousand pages to prove that I can love him, but only if my fears and tears remain laid to rest.
He loves the things I hate about myself and he uncovers gems I never felt hidden from the corners of my life. He hears the beating of my heart from a mile away, making it easy for him to know when I need him— a show-off he is. He is a rogue on the run for robbing my heart and soul, little do they know I’d be a renegade just for this man.
Let these butterflies create a graveyard in my body, let me build a flower garden in your heart— we’d be a perfect match by then. Be the source of my needs and let me be the audience of your gifts.
I love you and dead butterflies will prove them to you.
2023 April
I Am These Pages
It is funny how two flames burn brightly when near each other,
but then as distance moves toward, they die.
I have been confused on why couples can be so happy in love when around each other but then as soon as they are out of each other’s sight and far beyond grip, they turn to become strangers with no gesture of spark. It is as if an invisible wall blocks all the love and the only reminder gets to be just that person, nothing more.
Though, I believe that having to be deeply lost in love is to be reminded by every single entity that greets you. Their voice comes into life as you read their text messages, usual songs gain new meanings, the smell of the rain drags you back to a memory, and the sight that flashes you when you close your eyes is them with their smile.
These things reminded me of you,
and you are a reminder of what is out there
to be seen, loved, and to be lived.
2023 June
I Am These Pages
I tighten my grip on your arm just because. I rest my lips on your neck just because.
I lock my gaze at you just because.
And for some reason I can't find any reason for my stalling.
The moment you pressed your lips onto mine,
I couldn't help but think of what it meant.
Should you use it as your goodbye or as your ticket back—
I love you no matter what.
I knew the night had come to an end
when my lips no longer wanted to leave yours.
Will you ever come back?
and if you do,
Will I ever have you back again?
I hold you one last time just because—
you’re my lifeline and I need you to come back to me.
You can’t even question my ‘just because’
because I love you so much,
I could even picture our own house.
I’ll see you in a week.
2023 March
I Am These Pages
I think we're saying it so much that we forget what it really means.
I think we are just saying it to avoid the fact that we really don't,
and that we aren’t truly in love.
We say it because we are too young
and too scared to be spending our lives with the status
of not living on the right side of a teenage dream.
I love you.
And, I guess what we are all really trying to say is:
Thank you for satisfying my needs..
WE ALL ARE DESPERATE KIDS WHO ONE DAY DECIDED THEY WERE IN LOVE TO FILL THE VOID OF LONELINESS
2023 June
I Am These Pages
You might have noticed by now how I hold my gaze far too long when I look at you. Should you know how your eyes reflect all my fear? All I could ever see was the possibility of how easy it would be for you to walk out of my life as you did before.
And so I'm trying my best not to give too much,
feel too much,
and need you much.
I’m now more into following your patterns,
so if the moment comes,
and you decide to call for my name again to tell me you are leaving,
I’d be glad to not feel the hurt I felt the first time.
I promise you,
my soul would not move an inch away from my body
the way it did when I once lost you.
Still, I am lucky.
All because you decided to come back.
2023 June
I Am These Pages
It is instinctive to run to you each time I feel lost,
but it would be a miracle to have you run after me when I go astray—
my silent words aligned to your nonchalant behavior.
So, Tag, you’re it.
I’ll run, and run, and run..
away from the absurdity I feel within.
Tag! You’re it
Come chase after me,
come touch my hand, no
What about my heart?
I have been standing beside you for a while now
Won’t you move a muscle to even reach for me?
I’ve been touching you skin for a while now?
Won’t you play the game at least?
Hey, you’re it?
Did I not invite you to play the game cheerfully?
Why are we playing charades now.
Hey, should I leave?
2023
I Write Because They Talk
I love composing. I could pen someone a captivating, in-depth, and lyrical paragraph with words such as dandelions, corals, and comets. For some reason, I have been staring down at this blank page making an effort to uncover the precise words for my truth.
You stood in front of me and raised a question;
“If you could describe our love in one word, what would it be?”
My response turned out to be;
“Perhaps you could turn your gaze back to the first word to ever appear on this page.”
I flash him a blank page as he looks at me.
It turned out to be the final page.
My words had gone astray along with the love I have for the both of us.
The pain in his eyes somehow brought relief. I have been persuading myself that if I lingered for a little while then perhaps the spark would be brought back to life once again. However, my love went astray as he grew unaware of it.
2023 June
I Am These Pages
The real definition of being in love
falls under the moment your reflection
mirrors none of your self-hatred.
You do not simply declare
that you have fallen in love with a person
by one long glare in the eyes,
but instead with one look in the mirror.
Love is best seen in your reflection alone.
2023 July
I hope someone listened to my silence the way
they were entertained by my laughter.
Silence also needs an audience.
Last row would have been still sweet.
I hope someone sits with me in front of the mirror,
and hopefully feels the heavy denial of my reflection
that would last for as long as I can remember.
This time I need everyone to feel what I saw and understand why I felt how I felt.
People can always witness, and it stops right there...
there is no empathy, and there will never be comprehension.
Long story short, I need them to be me.
2023
I Write Because They Talk
Is it funny to say that all my prayers are said
through the songs I listen to?
At times, I wonder if God understood why,
why I stopped explaining with my own words
and instead let the lyrics say it all.
Today I played Cornelia Street with my eyes closed,
hoping we'd both stay.
Heaven’s Melody, do you hear me pray?
I hope to never lose you.
I hope to never pray again begging sins for us.
2023
I Write Because They Talk
You just had to listen.
You didn't have to say anything.
You made things heavier.
Keep it all to yourself, see what's there to lose.
Why have a partner, why even bother?
Let nonchalance win, let regret ruin.
Badly wanna tell them about how you're treating me,
but then I don't ever want to let them know
how you're treating me.
Love, man, love.
No One Knows
Badly wanna tell them about how you're treating me,
but then I don't ever want to let them know
how you're treating me.
Love, man, love.
Is it good that I don't say too much
or do I only feel this way because she spoke so much
that he had to tell me about it.
With a smile..
I hate how I look,
but I will never hate
how you look at me.
2023
I Write Because They Talk
Over the years, I spent thousands of words filling hundreds of pages, pages that were certainly bigger than my own voice. Now, if anyone is to give me an answer, please do. Tell me where my words have gone to now that my heart has decided to justify itself.
They say, 'you are very smart with words' and I am left wondering if finding a match for a heartbeat leaves the mind to be stupid as if it remained to live with the knowledge capacity of an infant.
I am confused with the chemistry between love and intelligence. Will they never live to be compatible? My heart begs to have a voice as my mind would never care to feel, and now my body suffers.
My fingertips trace against his lips, his gaze locks at mine, and all I could ever see is the scene of me running out of perfect, true, and enough words to describe how much my heart loves to play within the ray of his smiles.
Oh, how I could never be a writer good enough to say I love him
without the word 'love' having to be always appearing.
2023
I Write Because They Talk
A confession, a prayer.
Please,
don't drift away
because a month ago I did,
and I fought so hard
to not be taken by the waves.
I did.
I love you.
And, I live to dream
for the things
we could still do.
2023
I Write Because They Talk
A man of nonchalance. A wife always feared how her husband could never care if she broke down to tears and faint in exhaustion. Always, she had viewed him for that kind of person so she’d never expect more than what his personality could give.
There was a misunderstanding, she turned to the other side of bed as her heart dropped down in a loop. While she had her back face him, she could not expect anything more than him going to sleep and letting things pass.
“Ivy.”Breaking the silence.
“You don't annoy me.”
He said with the softest tone she had ever heard from him.
Silence filled the room again. “I know you're bothered.” His sleepy voice made her unsure. She kept her silence. And, for the fifth time that he broke silence with assurance she faced him.
“I’d love to always have you talk me to sleep, for hours, even after we agreed to have some rest.” Her husband softly spoke. “I never liked you going to sleep and having nightmares of our misunderstanding’s monster.”
It is funny to hear. A nonchalant boy finally unlocked the words of the affirmation package. As a woman who always thought physical touch was enough, she never thought he would actually make a woman feel more of what was never in her list of expectations.
2023
I Write Because They Talk
idk what to feel,
but i really, really love u
I am a poet, and I can’t help but notice how
you love reading me more than the poems I have written about you.
Will you ever know how you make the shade of my face
blend in faster with the pink roses in the garden?
To the man who had most of my firsts,
a toast to our first year.
Little do you know how special I feel this 27th of January
when all my life I’ve always lived to be the second girl, daughter, friend, and choice.
I won’t coat this with any sugar, but if only you remembered to show me love that day then my first time being the first would not have turned out to be the first heaviest feeling you’ve ever made me feel.
Happy anniversary,
to the first man who was the first to forget our first.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
You know the feeling when a certain someone, someone you truly, genuinely love comes out of sight and you just feel like something is missing and that you lost an important side of who you are. It is when your emotions are heightened and much more sensitive than ever. You easily get tired, angry, and mostly emotional.
Well, then you would be doomed for life.
That was the moment I knew, when I started becoming someone people would hate and not even recognize in every moment I failed to see your face in any crowd. When I could not hear your voice my mind somehow managed to create voices that corrupted the smoothness of my perceptions and actions.
I am doomed for being madly attached to you and it damnly makes me scared for the other reason that maybe it is the attachment I love and not the feeling of being in love with you.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
Call me a lover girl or never call me at all.
I demand a lot cause a lot got taken away, may I never fall.
Steal my heart but never my shawl
for I fear I could never be loved if you saw my face,
worse, the little scars upon.
No one talks about how heartwarming it is to see all of the efforts come together on such a perfect timing. One could only stand to let all the possible tears escape through and reach for the freedom of the heart. It comes with such excitement, relief along with a big amount of fear and denial.
The achiever may come to think “I’m happy to have come this far” and at the same time say “I can't believe this is the furthest we could ever go to” because at the end of the day no one will always admit that they could willingly let go of the best and worthy moments of their lives to begin another.
A violent rev of the engine,
a far distance reached by our memories.
No explanation, just admiration.
If one could stick to this theory only with proofs,
then could one of the evidence be when I first met you?
A great theory that says the universe was created because of our mind.
And, my mind happened to have you in it,
ceaselessly, the origin of my universe.
Anaxagoras the theory of our love.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
My body is full,
but strangely is starved by this bond
Somehow, we stopped feeling connected.
And, somehow the world found a way to torture this love.
“When did we stop wanting to be close?”
A husband asks as they both lie in bed.
She smiles at him and says
“We never did. We just loved doing life together more than in bed.”
The next day they were healing each other’s inner child
once again without even realizing.
If I were weak as they said,
then am I loving you enough as you say I do
or am I really that weak for you to not even tell the crushing truth.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
I always knew but then it always hurts.
You love adoring and being there for me
but little do you know how much that hurts.
Because with all that you give me,
the love, the comfort, and the assurance,
I would still search for the part of you that would instantly understand
why it always hurts to say the answers to all the whys.
The claw machine at the arcade. The lottery from town. The raffles on occasions. The random pennies on the pavements. The good scores to pop quizzes. The boys that enter my windows. The cabs that drive past me all the time. The name people remember. The medals from competitions. A friend who understands. A present father under the roof.
All these things that luck had locked me out, yet I happened to reach through the gap and hold your hand, your heart, and you– a lot to have from just one.
She sat there with a heavy heart and a piercing sound of silence.
He walked along the fresh flames of her unnamed crisis.
No one spoke because no one knew
not until the comfort of a tiny touch came to rebuild.
Silence kills but perfectly heals.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
We all know you don’t wanna be her.
You just want to be loved
the way he did for her
When all the heart recognizes is confusion,
I guess a hug might clear up the fog.
Hopefully, I can feel how strong things always are
when my heart is with yours.
Pen could not even slide through these pages
not even a single poem for you
which i loved to do
even anger, ache, and love..
none.
but, here’s a sorry for you.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
They once asked about the things common between us.
The moment I sat on the floor as you stared down at me with a smile while,
and told me everything about who you were, I knew.
We were not the typical identical.
We love unraveling our hidden gems.
We take each other's silence as a respect to what we cannot yet say.
And, we remain unbothered by personal time.
I hate that you make me want to work everything out the way you do,
and I love that you always work everything out the way I want to.
You talk, I cry.
I’ll watch more sunsets with you my underrated identical.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
I hate that I, the woman who chased after you like a famished lion, am locked in glare and not feeling the great spirit of love within. I hate how I am this way– not knowing what to properly feel.
The man who had me jumping like a little kid on my bed after walking me home. The man who searched for a drunk girl running by the beach late at night only to calm her down. The man who smiled for the lamest jokes this girl had ever said. The man who happens to be my all happens to have witnessed how I fell in love– hope not when I fall out of this beautiful euphoria.
He means everything to me so I am avoiding every opening that may lure me to end.
A dying fire can still form a big flame– hopefully not to burn us into ashes.
Lord, help me.
2024
The Greatless