Kept inside, kept hidden
was alive and was clearly breathing.
What was kept knew exactly what it felt.
Every night you dreamt,
some nights you cried.
At midnight you think,
at dawn you stayed awake.
I knew, don’t worry
I always knew.
I do, I understand it
I always do.
my place was not mine after all
I was a wound that kept bleeding
you cover me as if there is none to see
you wanted her
and i wanted you
and she did too
a hopeless romantic
swimming in this tragic love affair
to make it fair, she would forever stare
After all, she is just a hopeless romantic.
2020
Chamber of Notes
Do you think I am capable
of loving someone
as perfect as you are?
Because I do.
You see, I am not a cool person.
I live by a different design of the universe.
My world differs from yours and I hate that it does.
I hate that we are.
You are a sacred garden ought to be left untouched,
but for some reason I want to be a sinner—
own you all to myself and not let a single person catch a glimpse of you.
I want to be a poison ivy that would crawl over the columns of your grounds.
I don’t care if not a soul wishes to hold me for the potential pain.
I don’t even care if you don’t want to keep me forever.
I just hope that you’d see me for who I am, just a second.
To you, I’m just an existence but less of what you need and desire.
I am here, you have me— I hate that you do,
I despise myself for allowing you to.
I like you and I am in love with you.
And, I think it is why I am still terrified to ask.
I don’t want to waste words for an unanswerable question,
but I would waste my time loving you.
If only you knew there is none to ask from you.
2022
I Am These Pages
You deny me like I am one of your sins
You love me like a strange addiction
You claim me back like a lap dog,
one you scare away and call to love you back—
and it loves you back as much as enough.
I am yours to keep
I am yours to lose
I am yours to hurt
I am yours.
And, if there was one thing they should have known about
was that we were something, but one thing
to never be ever be called mine—
barely a second to keep and lose.
I may be walking away,
but you know me too well
when all the tracks that I take
are the ones that you paved to lead to you.
You are a forbidden place to be—
my forbidden love owner.
2022
I Am These Pages
If you are holding me for her,
then I don’t want to know
I don’t need another hurt
‘Cause I am not to be like her
If I’m loving you as only you
then how is it that hard for you
to love me, to like me,
as only, solely, me?
If you’re looking deep into my eyes
Don’t slip it in with a stupid smile
brought by a lie
and not a truth that screams “you’re mine”
How can you see her in me
Am I too good to play your game?
Is this how it’s supposed to be?
Why waste time to linger by one lame..
Girl, good but lesser in worth.
Girl, nice but worse than hell itself.
So how can there be a her— in me?
2022
Chamber of Notes
pile of centerpieces weigh my mind,
dozens of my army stayed behind.
millions of words float at night,
but do you see yourself with me at times?
you’re a rule that tires me everytime
with you i’m unworthy of any love kind
it weighs me but for you i’ll still survive
on me you’d constantly pour potions of lies
you turned me into a chameleon,
who masks herself day and night
with you i learned to never speak
never speak of what parades inside
majored in philanthropy
lost some of my nobility
those cannonballs brought ruination
though it’ll help but instead terrorized me
to be a chameleon is to be a gun
to always crave protection
to see the good in someone
to make sure it’s not defamation
i’m a color changing reptile
they call me names i never liked
i have a life they don’t consider mine
maybe chameleons are known to have harmful desires
you turned me into this
look at this idiotic face you gave
how can a person ever accept my kind
when you even never looked me straight in the eye
your elixir of lies drew people away from my life
my dozens of army never came back to my side
what weighs me now is not what we had
but how you made me your defenseless chameleon
2020
Chamber of Notes
would that gun be the end of me?
can you please aim it towards my heart that hopelessly beats
i never saw the point of thriving ,
a life so tedious and mind-numbing.
how many bullets does yours carry?
i've solely got a dagger and a rope
they told me once that men like you are lionhearted
pull the trigger , boy you know i've lost hope.
don't you take another step ,
don't you talk me out of this ,
i am standing on a grave position ,
to me you'll have to truly listen
don't you ask of how i feel ,
within my eyes the truth is sealed ,
your lion heart is being softened ,
by me whose heart has fully darkened.
launch , loose-off and fire away ,
the sun's leaving now so get under way
fourteen's nothing compared to eighteen
your wonder bullet's not what i was waitin'
i needed to go , you pulled back my soul
i need you to know , you gave me back hope
with the help of you i'll be moving forward
your wonder bullet ended my world of war.
i'll step foot on lawful age in a year ,
flash back to your vow of greeting it near
my bloody hands caress our three year tomb ,
my bullet's no wonder but brought us doom.
2020
Chamber of Notes
I hope she knows that I could have been her
the woman you are holding
the woman you are pining for
the woman you draw your future with
but I also hope you know that
I am not her
All those times, I dreamt and grieved
to be the woman that she was.
I have avoided every word
that could have pulled her into my pit of insecurities.
I have hidden every song that could have been a reminder
of how I could never be that woman you see
when into my eyes, you stare deep.
I have done everything, everything for a man
that had his heart covered by my presence
but was filled by his moments with the one woman
whom I could never even be.
I hope she knows that both your love are vine of thorns
harshly pressing upon the heart that has ever since been yours.
I hope she realizes that she is in love with a man
who is in love with unreasonable farewells.
I hope she realizes that I was used for the happiness she now holds.
I hope she knows that a heart died just so both of yours could live.
But, I also hope she never gets hurt the way that I did.
The way your lies hid in between my happiness.
2021
I Am These PageS
So that is how it feels like to fall in love with you. Honestly, I cannot even say I regret it. I just wish we had not met at all. You were unpredictable. You were the warmest bed in the coldest night, a melody those birds sang, the bloom of a rose, an astonishing sight of paradise, and a calm body of water that surrounded my deep thoughts.
At times I despise how I hold hatred towards the person I once needed— you.
I needed you so much that losing myself was the price to pay. You made my silent night be filled with laughter and talks, wiped my blurry vision clear, made my heavy heart less of a weight, gave my lonely shadow a friend, held the coldest hand I owned, and you embraced the body of a lone.
I never knew I was loving your potential alone, and that I trusted a version of you who never cared to show up no matter how long I waited. I adored your fiery shade of presence leaving me with scars from burns you never cared to aid. You were my best, my pride, and my life who left me at worst, shame and death.
To love you was not that much of an ache... but falling in love with you was. It was to lose my sight, give my only light, understand the maths, to erase my paragraphs of feelings and it was to compete with your former lovers.
I wonder if making ladies fall in love with you was your way to let them do the job you always failed to do— to love yourself
2022
I Am These Pages
when the candle is blown as leaves begin to rustle
and the warmest home fade into winter
where do i stand in between your passion and cruelty
in a crowded room, emotions become muffled
and a heartbeat sounds like a fired gun
but it was all because of you,
gone when i needed him too.
should i run to you or should i turn away and leave?
make you run to me, but when will that be
is it when you need something and all that’s left is me?
babe, i don’t want to keep jumping over the wall that i built
neither kill my flame of which i recently lit
don’t want to ruin everything
just for you who turns his head away that easily
here i am, an exploding boomerang for you
gone when you need it to
fly back, i’ll be flying back
to explode you with light truth.
2022
Chamber of Notes
My name shouldn’t have to shatter my soul,
I shouldn’t despise it even more,
but everytime it escapes from you— it hurts.
it awfully makes my heart bleed.
You are an anchor chained to my feet
so that no matter how far the distance I keep—
I will always be dragged back to you.
I will always cling to you,
and it will always be you whom I end up crying to.
I have never been good in math
but through this path..
you had me figuring everything out on my own,
like with how to walk upon your spiky bones.
A man standing on the other side of the fault
anticipating for the impossible to happen,
but even impossible will happen
because of a love programmed to love a catastrophic
— fun.
2022
I Am These Pages
one, two, count to five
i don’t even know if i’m alive
standing behind bars for something i don’t understand
trapped in a cage, room turning to grey
your love has gone cold and you’re turning away
now i don’t even feel the need for any love
since you left my soul empty.
was all your love meant goodbye,
moved on like you never even met me.
now i’m just a girl, living in this cruel world
regretting every moment i’ve spent you
a man who robbed me,
all this time it’s what you did.
2022
Chamber of Notes
Finally. The church door opens, signaling my fingers to waltz on the keys of the piano. A figure of a woman dressed in white, wearing a smile brighter than Venus, holds a promise of eternal oath to faithfulness as she walks harmoniously through the melody of my regrets.
Persist and Resist.
My gaze wanders around to burn from the excitement of all your relatives— a bride-to-be, she is. Out of the blue, my eyes meet the groom’s who triggers a smile to do me no good. One finger jumps down the wrong note as my heart slides through the wrong joke.
While his bride walks down the aisle does he wish that he had made me his wife?
I swallow the tension from his attention as I break eye contact the more he breaks the contract we once had. Funny how we both had all that, but not to last. At the reception, I perch on an old wooden bench in the garden by the dim light of my dim eyes.
Deep breaths, deep breaths, Bella. I whisper with the fear that my selfishness might once more get in the way. Just, how could he smile while he had his bride walking down the aisle knowing that I was there to see how much free he yields over me?
When he told me, that I was likely one that he would marry. Did he mean that he would likely give me insanity? Then he said, “Thank you for coming, Bella.” When I tell you, my heart dropped to the grass to bury itself with us. It’s hard to pretend that you are no longer involved when you used to be part of it all.
“I’m just so proud of you, Paul.” It kills me that I could still recall. “I’m glad you did not change your mind this time” Then he looks me in the eye, the man I used to love, the one who had my all, but now he has it all.
The boy who knelt down on one knee and held up a ring now kneels in front of me wearing a shiny ring and apology meant to make me bleed. “I loved you, Bella. I really did.” Now you are just a groom who forgot to marry me. Was this how it is supposed to be?
Will they all forget to marry me?
Will my name stand alone
Don’t want to miss, the “Mrs.” that comes before
So will they all forget to marry one like me?
2023 March
I Am These Pages
we can’t always decide for the people we love, that’s what pains us the most. to love is to protect and to love is to be wounded. i never understood that concept, if you truly love them then why?
why give them scars and a bleeding heart.. but then came the moment i started to comprehend, to feel, to follow, and to suffer.
heaven knows how much I’d love to be naive and unaware back again, perhaps within that circle i’d never have to go through what i already am. i am too young to know so much more than i should. they compliment me for being a help in mending predicaments, however, these compliments consume me much so.
perhaps, they were right. once you take your step in, you’re gonna keep wanting more until you realize turning back’s not part of the choice no more. it’ll all fade away along with yourself.
when you jumped off of the boat i never was sure of what i’d do. must i wait or must i swim and follow, unfortunately, i waited .. i stayed, i watched the pitch-black shade of the night as the stars align right above my head. i watched the sun from its rise until its set, i’ve seen the moon show me it’s a different shape of beauty as i waited for the man i loved.
perhaps, i trusted you much so, i loved you too much without realizing i’ve been loving the ghost of what we had. well, call my present your past but i’m never leaving this boat until you swim back to us.
how am i already your past when i still see you as my present and future?
you dove yourself away from what we had because you knew ..
you knew how i’d never care to move if not with you.
as i waited for the moment of my life you came back,
might there be something you will prove?
i am unsure of if i should lower my walls for your return
or be saddened for i fear you would leave once more.
you held my hand gently, and looked at me carefully as you sat in front of me.
‘i met someone’
you blurted out and all i could feel was the mascara running down my face.
then it was all delusions,
i lived in the delusion of you still being mine.
i was frozen in time as you continued with the life you have with your kids and wife.
acceptance failed to submit itself to me.
everybody moved on and i chose to stay in that state,
i chose to survive that way.
time went on and i chose to freeze mine,
to stop you from leaving my mind of lies.
2022
Chamber of Notes
six months have gone away,
a hundred and ninety-four days faded to gray
moon and stars sprinkle the sky ,
the sun always sets and always will rise.
familiar streets are crossed , the past sometimes haunts
bought brand new clothes , threw those old riven oaths
flowers and people grow , pens and hearts are being borrowed
six months have gone still your name goes around.
yours constantly reverberate in my head ,
thought it ended but still this is what i get.
soundproofed my cave all the way ,
even tried to overcrowd my space.
it bothered me before, constantly hearing your name was an endless war.
then taught myself to ignore it, and now it doesn't sting anymore.
sometimes i wonder, does mine resonate with your atmosphere,
or maybe between us you were the only defilement near.
i don't intend to violate any of your law ,
either highlighting some unseen flaw.
somehow wished to haunt you with my name ,
but remembered you had a hobby of forgetting.
never mind my face , never mind my name
forget my caress , forget my laughs
throw me some hate , spill me some rage
toxicity coats me already, you spared me some so don't worry.
six months have gone and it was fun ,
you won't even like the version i've become.
when reverberations corner you at night ,
remind yourself how you made one like me cry with a lie.
2022
Chamber of Notes
I’d knock on your door even if you moved on,
I’d wait by tree , for you to come and see me.
stare at my phone , even if the wait is long,
I wonder if it’s fine to cross the line you drew.
I don’t know why I need you back ,
or am I bored and just obsessing
waiting for you to stand by me.
what’s in you that I constantly seek
and why don’t you just come back to me!
2022
Chamber of Notes
There are people you cannot bring much further to your future no matter how you wish for it to happen. Time mends they say, but time also hinders. Time is precious, but it also is something you wish to spend recklessly. This time, I chose to keep it and let it hinder us apart.
I have loved you for half of my life and I do not regret every second I have invested in it. It was exhilarating to adore you even with your unrequited love. If there was someone to blame then maybe it should be you— you who denied out of what I felt for you.
You called me pretty even if I thought it less of myself, you made me love the sunsets I used to ignore. You knew me damn well enough for you to find me easily at places other people would not dare search me for, you had a way with your words. You always had your way with me, funny how I never figured out the right path to reach you.
2022
I Am These Pages
the air kisses my face
my lips has forgotten the taste of your name
today might be her birthday
but i’m making this my day
she’s blowing out her candle
and i wanna smash it on ur face
the grass is green and i was blue because of who? who who
the sea as blue the clouds are dark
the rain pours for you
the air kisses my face
my lips has forgotten the taste of your name
the pour was frail, fell on my skin and it came with..
the fastest train to leave this trail, so jump with me and let go
don’t be afraid to be around a circus,
u’ll be the play if u keep staying in the circle
don’t feel alone inside a room full of these people
books can be different but when you read,
it’ll be out of this world
don’t fear the weight it’s only there to keep you
from flying away just to escape the real issue
the air kisses my face
my lips has forgotten the taste of your name
i hope you never question why your life exist
you’ve got a purpose, life’s cruel but don’t get rid of it
2022
Chamber of Notes
It took me two years to have the courage. Courage to speak about the struggle of losing someone close to our heart. Even more than that, someone who actually had lived within our soul. If you were to lose someone, in which state would you be more comfortable with? Would you rather lose somebody whose heart continues to beat or one whose heart clashes with eternal silence?
In simple words, there are two worlds of grievances. First, grieving for the living. Second, grieving for the dead. So, the question is, what world is actually unbearable to live in?
Time had gone by. People learned to adapt to a world where the pain of losses ceased to exist. But still, the question remains unanswered and avoided.
It would be true to admit that opening old wounds causes excessive bleeding and, of course, severe pain. However, we tend to forget that after this stage there comes a healing process. There will be scars that serve to be a portrait of bravery and trust.
Finally, to answer that question. What world is actually unbearable to live in between grieving for the living and the dead? The only unbearable world to live in is a world where regret reigns as acceptance fails to make a judgment.
Long Story Short.
I lived in both worlds.
At the same time.
2023
I Am These Pages
Giane, The Flower Thief
A beautiful name for scary games.
She would think I still care,
and that I am easily touched by hate and pain.
Judging by how she knocked on my door
it was as if she came with the intent to haunt me
with all that could have been mine,
all in tight grip, all in those beautiful, fair, soft, unscarred hands.
A flower thief, Giane, or was it not just flowers that you stole?
It might seem as if I am trying to criminalize such an innocent soul—
bargaining with the devil.
Of all those years that came past us,
and if I were still the woman who was deprived of everything you had,
then I am just glad to be past all of that.
I deserved better, and he gave you the better
as I had also found the peace that divided us from war.
He was just a man, a sunset I was hoping to love,
but I was too dumb to realize that I was on the wrong coast,
waiting for the impossible.
Perhaps, it all was meant to be for you, the rarest awaited view,
the colors that knew what to do.
Along way, my eyes poured from dusk through dawn
and witnessed the birth of my own daylight too.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
Never Thought Of Portals
Closure is one of the most overrated things that exist.
It is healthy, and it will always ease the pain.
However, only it becomes unnecessary
if the ache happens to be the cause of betrayal,
and most importantly, still betrayal.
And, even after a very long time of distance and mechanisms to heal the wound, if you never learned to let go then every portal will tear down the walls to open up scars.
You would assume you no longer care, but if hatred never left then every circle of friends, field of hobbies, location of certains, and even words of similarities can be a portal to how you failed to fight for the worth you let the person abuse.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
The Girl In Pink And The Poet
When her name comes to speech the poet becomes speechless. When she comes close to what the poet already owns, a flame appears to burn down the pages of the book.
The rusty poet scribbles on the wall with ashes from the fire caused by the girl in pink. The mesmerizing puzzle of words the poet used to learn for years had turned to aim at her, it could have been the deepest choice of words but instead, the ashes spelled fuck you for always ruining my life, fuck you forever.
2024
The GreatLess Writer
The Dead Language, Once Again
you handed me a bottle to open
ladies and gentlemen, fooling me again.
we pointed fingers like kids and blaming each other like we once did.
you talked to me with the language i turned my back to greed
right when i hid when i knew it brings slow death.
the dead language rose again
i left my luggage at both your garden
you sat with me on these dead grasses
people we know then all clinked their glasses
calling the attention of the girl he used to use
those boys who think you're cool assume i was so in love with you
well maybe i was, well maybe we were
but what if my broken trust spreads to tarnish your worth??
will you laugh at my booked venue
will they stop ringing their glasses
will you drop the bottle and say this:
"there never was a thing special with you"
what will i do? what will they say?
what would i feel relocated this way?
direction of fears point toward me
was that how i thought things would be?
you pointed your fingers at me 'cause you wanted to frame me again
once a fool, always a fool they said
you're a dead language in my book that i kept.
maybe one day, i'll learn to burn you to death
but when will one day be the day it would all happen.
once again, you're the dead language i learned
before it was even pronounced dead
round of applause for my fallen claws
i'd stop standing on this beautiful lawn
just wait until that day, someday
i called to the devil to let karma visit for kill
but even the sinners with thrones
can't harness all the crumbs i had thrown
all my hatred chills all scattered
before even giving you autopsy, i burned
my ashes still suffocate my own lungs
i coped and forced my poems to be sung
oh, please, you sat next to me
don't you lie like the narcissistic kid you used to be
you did, you needed it to aid what you made bleed
i know you won't admit, so i'll be the crazy bitch
i'll turn to page eighteen and read again with grim
it signifies a dream of delusions that you'd care to scream
and say that we died cause it didn't deserve to live in such a horrid grip.
'cause i'd slipped and slept in pain and tears to fears
and i ran to battle fields and tried to escaped from your burning tree.
you clinked your glass and smiled at me
as we stood on the dead grasses of our deserted land
did we sell the property long ago?
are the papers officially sending us to new homes?
after two years of the glass clinking
and people asking where we both have been
out of all the events coincidence had us invited to
i never got to ask how that new home seems like to you.
even before we sold the place,
you always showed me blueprints and clips of your trips
you were gone for a month planning like criminal
little did you know i was getting blue from its inks.26
come on, dead language
are you all out of courage?
had long been overdue the closure for us
do you feel bad that they're still clinking their glass when they see me walk past
and when you are being discussed i throw an expression of disgust
this might be the longest poem i have written
and you must be the sickest reality ever given
i prayed to God and he listened but also gave you more to kill me within
'cause he cares for me too much to sense danger from your gun
and he is taller than you and somehow better too
but your new home makes me too fearful
when you handed me a bottle to open
i could not believe you fooled me again.
the referee whistled in laughter 'cause i still didn't know better.
we pointed fingers at each other
but at that moment i knew greater
i threw the blame you threw at me
at least one of us is guilty
and i stopped soaking from your bluest inks
where should i place our discarded dreams
oh, it had already been two years but at least
once again, the end.
what more could possibly happen.
how do you unlearn something you were once heavily invested in.
when will i stop wondering if ever you’re wondering about this.
once again, never again.
May 2024