The Force Awakens

Sooo.... What?

Yes, people. Alexandrian News is back.

Ok... hang on. Can you just backtrack a bit?

Yeah. I bet y'all were dancing and pissing on our gravestone, just crossing your fingers and hoping we were finally dead, right? Wrong! Unfortunately fortunately for you, just like a criminally uncalled for sequel, we are coming back stronger than ever with all we have to offer.

Sure... But what the hell happened?

Honestly, we have no f'ing clue. I think a few months back we just blacked out between "we're back" and "we're broke". But now, Alexandrian News is under completely new management. We will revamp the way we work (and how much we pay our enslaved interns) to make sure you all get the absolutely mediocre news articles you know you deserve. And some quality ones every now and then.

And why should we care?

Like it or not, you all are complicit. (rubs evil hands maniacally). You all feed on the same drug we produce, almost like when you see a performance so painfully mediocre, you just can't help but watch. Wink wink. So, if you'd like to get involved, we are now officially accepting article submissions. We pay a minimum of $3,000 per quality article (plus tips). However, this commission will go up to $4,000 if you promise to post one article per two weeks. Join our Discord to learn more. And don't forget:

"No one's ever really gone."

-Big Alex