Elizabeth Bernier

Our name is Elizabeth Bernier and we have dissociative identity disorder (DID) and synesthesia. Having twenty alters and jumbled senses is chaotic, time-consuming, and, upon discovery, was debilitating. However, we have grown with our conditions and they are major elements of our identity. As advocates for those with mental health conditions and future educators and researchers in biopsychiatry, we are attempting to help others understand the difference between eliminating negative effects of mental health conditions and eliminating the conditions altogether. We plan to focus most heavily on destigmatizing mental health conditions and creating solutions to problems those who have the conditions believe to be most important rather than focusing on the “problems” outlined by society as limitations of an individual’s worth. Currently, we are creating new methods of reducing PTSD flashbacks while working to normalize the discussion of PTSD experiences in our community. We want the world to recognize that disability can be challenging but it cannot reduce your worth. You can love yourself, your condition included, but hate and struggle with specific symptoms. You are more than your condition but there is no shame in acknowledging the role of your condition in creating your identity or identities.

Response to creative prompt: "When I look in the mirror, I see..."

The name of the body we live in is Elizabeth Bernier. Internally, however, we are twenty separate people. We all have different experiences, memories, preferences, thoughts, and feelings. We don’t believe our alters are the cause of our difficulty with disability. However, being fragmented in such a way certainly creates barriers. There is less time to do what you would like, your choices often are decided by a majority vote, you may have to pretend to be someone else in order to be accepted and many more. Most of these issues can be managed through communication.

Dissociative Identity Disorder is by no means an easy condition to cope with but the alters are not the problem. Primarily, my main issues stem from PTSD and interactions between PTSD and synesthesia. Synesthesia, notably, can be a wonderful experience. This condition can make things just a bit louder and more colorful. Unfortunately, synesthesia can make trauma more oppressive. I would describe all of my experiences with neurodiversity to be bittersweet. There are many things about living with DID and synesthesia that are beautifully unique. But the accompanying PTSD and social stigma are stifling. It often is difficult to share my experiences because of misinformation, lack of a proper medium, and fear.

What prompted me to write this piece was when I was asked to drop out of college by a close friend of mine. He confirmed my doubts, reminding me that my conditions make it far more difficult to take care of myself and have academic success. He begged me to quit while I was ahead. He believed my disability would inevitably lead to death, institutionalization, or dependence on others. He reminded me of society’s focus on self-sustaining behavior as an indicator of worth. This is the root of fear in disability, to be told if you cannot keep up with the able then you are useless.

This is a harmful ideology and stereotype that keeps people like me from having hope for a brighter future. It is hard enough to battle PTSD without also having to fight your loved ones. I want people to know that I am a person with hopes and dreams. I am a person with unbridled determination and perhaps just a bit too much optimism. I am a person who refuses to let my disability or social stigma limit my future. My experiences with disability have been hard but they are a part of who I am. More importantly, I want people to see that as a person with a disability, I am self-sustaining but, even so, this capability is not the only thing I have to offer. Disability cannot remove your worth, it can only change what you have to offer.