Dealing with Toxic Manipulators

The Cobra: What Toxic People Taught Me About Trust

I do not talk much usually. I observe. I silently gather information from my observations. As they are collected over a long period through multiple observations, they are rarely wrong. That habit has served me well for most of my career.

As you advance more in your career, you will start meeting different characters - some good, some bad. Sadly, as you hold more and more responsibilities and power, the more evil people will come to leverage and use you for your abilities.

Had an experience with manipulative toxic individual. This account describes my personal experience and observations. All characterisations reflect my interpretation of events I witnessed directly or was told in conversation.

Every person has three masks. The first mask is shown to the world. The second mask is shown to your close friends and family. The third mask is never shown to anyone. It is the truest reflection of who a person is.

A Profile Worth Remembering

This type of character has a certain weakness. It is unnaturally difficult to constantly maintain a facade built on lies vs. being a straight up honest person. It is extremely hard to keep track of all the lies told to everyone all the time. Example: with Group A you have a set of lies, with Group B you have another. Once you reach Group Z, your lying gets to a point so convoluted that it is hard to keep track of all of them. Your real self is sometimes revealed, even for a split second. The key is observing silently in the background. As you know this person more and more, you start to notice these small but key details.

In case you meet someone like this, here is what the pattern looks like:

I found this person's representations to be consistently unreliable. There is no hesitation, no tell - either when telling the truth or lying.
Just agrees with everything you say. This helps build rapport with you.
Superficially personable, structurally Machiavellian. The warmth is a delivery mechanism.
This person views everyone as expendable assets to achieve his goals with. You are just a disposable tool.
Will use any control / leverage / dependency mechanism available to keep you tethered. Careful.
Is extremely concerned about public image. What people think about him personally matters. If this is lost, everyone loses trust and this game does not work anymore.
Always takes advantage when it is given. Particularly effective when the target is nice and gives selflessly.
Can use emotions on cue. Need to induce sadness in the crowd? Cry on cue. Tell a sad story. Look vulnureable. Appeal to the crowd emotions. Emotions are just tools for manipulation.
The agenda justifies all means. Honour is not part of this person's operating system.
High social adaptability. Reads rooms well and adjusts accordingly.
Claims victimhood when negative things are mentioned. Whatever people say about him is always a lie — except it is not. A quick research from peers reveals accounts from others who had worked with this person a pattern of similar behavior. Analyzing this person's past interactions with others, seems that the bigger the trust gave, the bigger the betrayal.
Helps just enough to create dependence and obligation.
Backchannel communication is this person's primary tool. Information and trust becomes resources controlled, not shared.

It is important to cut off people like this quickly, before they do more damage.

My Mistakes

I was too trusting. Too giving.

And I did not understand the social dynamics until the displacement was already well underway.

I assumed goodwill because I would have felt goodwill given the same position.

Here is what I understand now:

Not everyone you help is helping you back.
Trust is earned in increments, not granted on first impression.
Gratitude and agenda can wear the same face.
When someone works harder to get close to your network than to the work itself — pay attention.
The most dangerous people are not the ones who attack you. They are the ones who smile while quietly rearranging the furniture. Watch the furniture.

The Lesson

Imagine you are walking in the woods. A cobra strikes you. Then it slithers away — unbothered, unremorseful, as if nothing happened.

You have two choices. You can chase it. Grab it. Demand answers. Why did you do this? What have I ever done to you? You can spend your remaining energy seeking justification from something that operates purely on instinct and self-interest — all while the venom quietly kills you from the inside.

Or you can do the only rational thing: walk away, get help, heal, and move on. The cobra does not owe you an explanation. It never will. And waiting for one is just a slower way of dying. Some people are the cobra. Recognise them. Survive them. Move on.

Well now I know better. Learn from this experience. You may have a version of a person like this in your career and life.

حَسْبُنَا ٱللَّٰهُ وَنِعْمَ ٱلْوَكِيلُ . Sufficient for us is Allah, and [He is] the best disposer of affairs

Thank you, Allah bless.

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