Find here a wild mixture of thoughts, videos and pictures. There are so many things to do and to organize, sometimes I lose my head. Sometimes I have things to say because everything hurts.
28. July 2017
From music and the happiest time in years to a death wish
I was almost on my way to the goa trance open air festival “voov experience”, when the news reported the suicide of Linkin Park front man Chester Bennington. “another one” was the only thing I could think. In the car, discussions about how somebody like him could do this. Six children, fame, money – he had everything. So I just reminded them about my case and they understood, at least I hoped they understood. I had no idea how deep this tragic news would stick in my brain. Especially as I am not linked to this person, not to his music, not to anything.
It´s not the past – it´s now..
What I am doing now – writing this here – is different to everything I did before. In the past I wrote about what happened to me after this and this …. With Trees of Memory and my Footpath of Life I always said, that I want to be sort of a light for those, who are in the darkness. I want to try helping those with hope and with my example. Therefore, it is important not being one of those guys who is telling from the past. No, you should know what I am going through. And let me tell you – I am going through hell, since I am back from the music festival and it is fucking difficult for me to write this down. But there is a need for and today it is the first day since Monday I am able to sort thoughts out and to write down what is going on.
The entire weekend was the most exciting and most amusing weekend I had since a long long time. Since months I was looking forward to those days. The big surprise on the camping ground of the festival: one of my former party friends was with us and we hadn´t seen us for years. What a great surprise and of course, the party started right away and it was, like always, like yesterday. To make the story short: We did our party, enjoyed the festival, danced like mad day and night, we had eaten to less and drinking way to much and of course it was way to much from everything and way to less from everything which is healthy: sleep, mineral water, food, sun and and and – but so what – amazing time and the little child in me, was freaking out and had the fun of his life. So, there is nothing to regretted.
Leave the party now
It started on Sunday afternoon on the dance floor. It hit me without a warning and it felt like a spasm of my brain without pain, but with a totally unknown feeling and something which made me loud moaning and it was accompanied with the thought: “It´s a good moment – do it know. You told from the beginning that this party would be your farewell from 35 years’ party life. Do the whole package. Leave life now!” It was like a fist in my face and paralyzed me from one second to the other. I couldn´t dance any more. “Bullshit” I said and thought and I closed again my eyes and listend to the music to fade away with the sound. “You have everything you need for – go in your tent. They will find you if it´s too late and everybody will think: how terrible but how nice that he died during a festival – what he always loved most”, was the next thought. It came again like a spasm. I don´t have another word for and even in German I could not find another expression. I had to moaning again and stopped dancing and sitting down. Than the dizziness came and I was not able to stand up again. That took for another 5 minutes. After a while it was better. Than this incredible sadness came over me and I started to think about Jürgen, my boyfriend who killed himself last year. I could start crying from one second to the other but I knew, if I would let this happen, it will not stop and I will ruin everybody’s party. I went to buy another beer. It tasted like shit. I went back to the dance floor observed all the people, couldn´t find somebody I know. Couldn´t find somebody nice I could chat a bit with. Couldn´t do anything. My brain started with heavy circle thoughts. Just one topic: do it now – go. Than all the memories with Jürgen came up, I wanted to cry, but I did my breathing therapy and I was breathing this I-want-to-cry-feeling away. And in between I was thinking and shouting: NO – fuck – leave me alone – I have plans”. I felt like a little kid and someone is telling me you must go to bed now but I hated to leave the party. And indeed, I HATED TO LEAVE THE PARTY OF LIFE and this party too. So I took my camera and started to walking around and shooting picture of the location, the people, the setting and everything. I enjoyed the moment and I loved what I saw and I remembered all the festival I have been and everything. And then I became tired, terrible tired and I went back to my tent. I have seen my friends and told them, that I will go to have a nap. In my tent I fighted so much not to cry and my brain spasm got more terrible but I was so exhausted that I was falling into a deep sleep.
… but I have plans!
When I woke up, hours later it was better – for ten minutes and everything came back. The thoughts, the spasm and the dizziness. I decided to stop drinking beer, to eat and to drink water and doing healthier stuff. But the thoughts stayed. They were with me and always there. Whatever I did, whatever I was telling, in every moment there was this silent voice telling me: Go now. I started to feel the fear in the same way I started to be defiant and angry. “No” – I was silent shouting. “I have a task, I have a plan, I have a life, I don´t want to see Jürgen ever again or anybody who decided to leave this world. I want my life and not my death. Fuck off, piss of, die or doing whatever you need to do but leave me alone!”
The last two days, next to all those feelings some other thoughts started to ruin my days. Thoughts like
· “Look Trees of Memory is not working out, people don´t care” or
· “You are all the time alone and nobody is supporting you, you are running in your cage and nobody is there who is helping you with
your plans or anything” or
· “you will never start walking in march, there is no way to solve all the things on your list, until then” or
· “you will die or you will end up like a dirty homeless under a bridge”
· “look, even those friends who lost a friend through suicide are not wanting a tree, it is a silly idea” or
· “you ruin your life, it is a mess and you already destroyed what you was working for so hard” and
· “for the rest of your life you will me alone because nobody will ever share your life because you will never ever open up your
heart again to somebody”
And in between always always: “Mario there are no logical and no good reasons for you to stay any longer”.
Monday afternoon when we arrived in my friends house in Berlin it was so bad, that I couldn´t leave the house by my own, because my fear to do something silly was to big. I couldn´t concentrate on anything and just played around with my mobile phone which was almost killing me, because it wasn´t working proper any more. This situation is going on since sunday, until last night and today (Friday) it feels the first time, that it seems to be over. The thoughts are gone, the dizziness become better. As I know myself, as I know all those situations and everything around I know, it´s almost gone.
Doing healthy things and concentrate on: It is just a phase
What I did the last days was, to go to bed between 9 and 10 pm, I took sleeping pills to make sure that I will sleep, I was drinking a lot of water and whenever those feelings and everything got to strong, I tried to chat with somebody to got away from all of this. And I think also very important: I took some medicaments which helped me to come down.
No No No – whatever this sick thoughts will tell me: I don´t care and even if some things might be true. I don´t care. It is my life and I will live it and I will change everything around until all parts are fitting like a puzzle together. And Trees of Memory is a good thing and of course people are careful with any support as everybody thinks: “Who knows if he will really walk or it will take 5 years until he made it to my city… so I have time.” I know well how people are thinking – even those who thinks that I am a poor idiot.
So, being in such a situation, surrounded by death wishes, by crazy thoughts, by changing facts into doubts, on a festival, surrounded by the best music in the world, it would be so easy to drink another beer and buying somewhere some drugs to change the evil mood. Making sure that those thoughts are not hitting me with a big portion of MDMA or whatever would have been possible. But what if those thoughts are hitting you than and the command “Kill yourself now – this is a good moment” let the time standing still?
Don´t consume anything or / and become sober – this is important
Not six children in background, not 100 Million cash on the bank, not one Million fans and not 100 friends would keep someone away from doing what he needs to do. This was the reason why I did what I did at the 28th of December, because I was not myself anymore and I felt like a puppet somebody plays his evil game with. But now I know. I might not be able to stop the return of such thoughts from time to time. But I am able to analyze why and what and most important: I am willing to oppose myself because even after all and doesn´t matter if I have a goal or not: but life is wonderful and it is me who will make it perfect and who is responsible for everything what happens. And: try to stay or to become sober – what ever you were drinking, taking, smoking or whatever. Stop it in the same moment – otherwise you will loos control about everything. By now I know all of this and there was a reason why I was rescued in those winters night. So, if you read this… there is a reason for you too. And if you struggle than talk to me and we will chat a bit… It is a phase and my one took now 5 terrible days but I had times, it took 2 weeks. But it is always just a phase and don´t let the wish "I want that it is over" ruling your life. If I can do it, everybody can do it. I am not superman, holy or a hero, I am just Mario. Like you too. That´s it.
Suicide was his choice - so let him go, he made a desicion ...
April 20, 2017
Not one of my friends has any tiny little imagination what happend in those two hours before i did it - doing the final step to end my life. Many of them responded with: you are so silly. Some vanished from one second to the other, because they thought I am a stupid man - after more than 20 years of friendship, vanishing in the darkest moment of my life, because I was scratching their nerves, being to negative for their lifes.
He had no chice
I am terrible angry about the suicide of my partner, two years later. I will hate him for the rest of my life for doing that to us. I hate him, that he never tried to do anything against his thoughts, since he was 16 years old. I hate him that he was not believing to me or to the doctors or some other people, for the entire 24 months we knew us. But I also know, that at a certain point it was to late for him to act. He had no choice. Even if my broken heart is telling all the fucking time: you had the choice to wait until I am back. But deep in my heart I know: he had now choice as I had no choice. The choice was there, years before but he and anybody around missed it. And all of those who were involved in his life, like all of those who are involved in my life, thinks we had a choice or we were pushed. We are assholes because we ruin their lifes and parties with our stupid problems and this fucking killing ourselves, just to get a bit of attention .......
Life must go on
It´s hard to see that most of you guys believing happy people who never struggeld in life, instead to listen to those who made every step, until the last thought they could do, before they lost their concious. Why most of you would never accept a music teacher who can´t sing or who can´t play a piano? But why most of you feeling very compfortable with somebody at the beer table telling you: He was always strange and sad but he had a choice not to do it. It was his desicion, let him go. Life must go on. Others are telling: And of course he was not a weak person, he is a hero. It takes a lot of courage to take his own life. He did this step and he could stop every single second but he took it like a man, he made a desicison, he planed it..... so let him go. We are here, let´s party.
Bullshit & stick it in your ass; i will freak out if I read it one more time on instagram or twitter or if I must hear it from somebody and of course I told the same five years ago, 10 years ago, all my life. ..........
What the hell I am doing here?
Please imagine you are in a theater and you are an actor and imagine for some minutes the possibility being on stage, please go into this perspective, that you - your role, don´t have a choice because at a certain point it will be done to you. You think you have a choice and you are sitting their on the table, playing your role, with the tools to do it. And than it turns out that you are not on stage, you are really sitting here. And you you think: what the fucking hell I am doing here, Stop the bullshit, call your friend, you did it once. And than you notice you are really not an actor. But you find out that you are a Marionette with threads on arms and legs. You sit their and you are crying and in your head are two thoughts: It can´t be true what happens it this moment. The other thought is: Please make that it stops. I can´t any more, I don´t have the energy. I cannot go again through this bullshit. year after year, relationship after relationship, no sunbeam since years. Please isn´t their a chance... please ... but you become weak from minute to minute and your arms and your legs are pushed to movings you don´t want to but you have to. You want to stop what happens in this second, because their is the little hope for a miracle but you are a real guy, not silly. There is no miracle, no angle, no nothing. You are crying, you don´t feel all the shit running out of your nose and eyes ... it goes on for more than two ours in my case. But you can´t stop it any more and every cell is screaming. Please i can´t any more, finish it somehow but i can´t any more.........And than it´s done and there was no chance to stop it and in this last second when you know that the point of return is gone you are reliefed that the pain will be over now, soon, whenever and than it´s done - done in the most lonley moment you never can imagine ...... Done because you never believed that it could happen, done because everybody is telling you: come on and get real, it´s not that terrible....
Imagine you had no choice. You can´t? I couldn´t too ... unitl this 28th of december 2014. ..... there is a reason why I do what I will do with Trees of Memory. Please open your eyes for your friends and loved ones, because there are signs .... long long long time before and not many, but some of us knows. But YOU have a choice: Believe them or not. Lucky you, you have a choice, every fucking second you have a choice.
15. December 2016
Before I will turn 50 I have to get rid of something ....
Now it's only a few days and then I'll be 50.
Wow, there was not much missing and I would not have experienced this moment in my life. Nor would I have imagined in the worst dream, with what harshness, viciousness, injustice, my life in the past 12 months would confronted. I could not imagine that I will lose the greatest struggle, out and about love, and death will become my constant companion and with what indifference, hatred, and contempt people deal with it. I could not have pictured myself in the darkest colors, how relentlessly the horror, the pain, and the disappointment will eradicate every joy or life-pleasure. If someone had told me years ago that days will come when I will give up and try to put an end to my life, I would have laughed at him and declared him for mental illness. I also could not imagine that "friends" will leave me in the darkest time of life, or strangers will catch me and be by my side day and night - just like that. I had no idea what emotional coldness people are capable of because they are not willing to look at all perspectives and learn from disasters. And, of course, I would never have thought about getting hundreds of messages from people around the world who feel what I feel, who give me courage and creat a project that breaks even my own imagination.
What I must learn in life
It goes so much through my head and the most diverse feelings hunt through my body. I grope in them and look for moments that are beautiful, that could make me laugh. They exist. But they are memories that are dived in the dark. They do not want to come to the surface. I wonder again and again what I should learn in life? I am certainly not a very good man and I have mistakes and I am not a simple “bone”. But I was always there - 100% and you did not have to call me. I may have done some wrong, but I have never done anything bad - not once. But that does not seem to count. It is not important anymore, because the last 50 years are almost done and somehow nothing count, especially not what was by the times. What has been, is a shadow of his own, who wanders through a strange darkness. I see friends who were important to me. People who have come and gone. Jobs and tasks that I enjoyed. Adventures, possible just for a few people to experience them. Amazing dancing nights are still deeply anchored in my heart. I just have to close my eyes, think about it, and I already hear the music and smell the air of the music clubs. All the wonderful food with so many incredible people. Numerous flashing pairs of eyes, resounding laughter, the feeling of the hands in my hand, the smell when the nose touches a cheek. The heartbeat of giant love and infinite happiness. How I am standing in the kitchen with the six people I loved so much and still love. Waking up in the morning, nasal tip at nasal tip and starting the day with a smile. To run through unknown cities and to absorb the sounds of life in the woods. I feel the other heartbeat on my chest and I am looking into disbelieving eyes. To be aroused by sunrays in the face and thinking: Woooow - is that cool. I feel the dogs sniffed over my face. The first glance into the each other eyes, the rays, the exploding and the grin, which spreads over the whole body, reaching the hand with a "Come", run, somewhere….. Everything there and yet so far away. I want to have it all back and I would like to return my mystified carelessness. But I know it's gone. Only a feeling, transfigured, barely tangible.
50 years full of Wow-moments that are spiked with quite a lot of life gifts and I know very well that I must be gratefully grateful for all that. I am and humility has gained a very different and deeper meaning in the past months. No, do not even think in a dream about the fact that I'm on my knees, screaming thank you and that I will practicing modesty. Nope - I am not, I was not and I will not be like this. Humility of the life does not have to be quiet. Because the tears that it pushes me in the face arn´t coming silent too. The howling, because I am so glad to get a chance, to get another .... . Once again having "luck" and being pushed with a kick in the ass into the world full of everything I ever wanted. For that I will pay with everything I have, which I have built myself, I had to pay for it and I payed the highest price you can imagine. I've got a great deal in life, but it was not given to me. Not a single time. Everything had its price. I was always willing to pay. I always look back in the last few days and often ask myself: Was it worth it? Mostly yes, but not always. Could I know this before? No. But can you imagine how it feels to open a door in the dark hallway and put your nose in a strange room with a childish curiosity, in which you can see nothing but fog and glimmer and you think: What is it? So check it out, even if it flashes and thunders. Like this the past 50 years have felt to me. That's me - addicted to life, curious about the world, dependent on people who touch my heart, intoxicated with every surprise I am given. And for that I am grateful, very much. Everything else would be inconceivable to me. Everything else is not me. I do not want to be anything else - despite everything.
Smash the soul rubbish
In the past months, especially since March, my existence has been taking place in my four walls. Paralyzed on the couch. An inanimate shell that mechanically plowed through the day. No garden, no bars, no restaurant, no clubs, rare friends, no men, nothing new, no vacation, never free, tears, pain, loneliness, only me and the fear. No fear of what may come, but the fear of the pain as it has drilled through every atom of Mario and brought all vibration to a standstill and brought the "working life" almost to a standstill. The pain and the fear, they still work but both have an enemy in me. A small single atom that remained in shock. My "defiance" that had stopped swinging, holding his breath, and at some point began to quiver and froze. After a while it began to quiver, and then it trembled with anger, and one day, every other still-lying atom began to thunder in the near vicinity, until they began to rage with anger, and the wave grew bigger and wider. A monster wave that spills over the seas. So it races and pushes all this dirt in front of it, in search of a stone wall in the sea, where it can smash this rubbish.
There is a light for everyone
This is it? No, it is not – not at all. I will reset the clock to zero and the next door in the dark hall I have already opened and there sparkles it quite tremendously. I have only one foot in the door but the heartbeat of the excitement twitches already tremendously and the curious grin is already wide. I have decided that I have now exactly half of my life behind. Great 50 years and the big black blob at the end, will not be a point because I'll turn it into a double point. Now it's going on and all I've experienced in the past is my starting capital into the next five decades, especially in the next 15 years. 180 months, 5478 days in which I only want to be one thing: the angry little atom, one with a curious laughter and touching one after the other to vibrate them on the Footpath of Life. What I can do, everyone can do - you too. There is simply no reason why you should not want that. And if there is one, I will not accept it and prove the opposite to you. Not for nothing is it called “Footpath of Life”.
The last meters on a 50 year long road
Thanks to all who have made a colorful life out of my existence in the past 50 years. Thank you, all the people who have conceded to me in the past months and have shown who makes a life, a difference and who does not. And thanks to the numerous black blots. Without you “dull-witted fuckers” any other color would not shine that bright. I thank you life, especially for what is coming now and that you have pressed this special door handle into my hand. And with all heart, humility, and in the decisive places with speechlessness, because there are simply no words for it. If I could, I would embrace you, kiss you and never let you go and protect you all the time we will spent together (which I do in a certain sense). Now I have to delete a few things, in life, on the phone, on the PC. The last meters in the final minutes of five decades. In the next 50 years I would be very happy and touched if you accompany me and parts of my life, and becoming a part of Footpath of Life.
Come with me, let me infect you with the little anger-defy virus that creates life - nothing more I wish for my next 50 birthdays.
September 26, 2016
Battlefield of faigned compassion
There are days like today which are so terrible in their very own way. Sundays are always the most terrible days of the week. Waking up alone and feeling one more time, that the one you miss so terrible, will never smile back on you, if you open the eyes. Nothing and nobody who will give you a reason to stand up. Just my feelings and the strong believe in what I am doing bring me out of the bed. Honored by emails from people all over the world.
This evening a woman from New Jersey wrote me how her sister was killed in 2014, another one thought about a tree for 9/11, a woman from Germany wrote me that such terrible hits from the destiny makes you lonley others were writing me a simple thank you for what I am doing and a young guy from Mumbai wrote me how much I would inspire him. I can´t tell what all those things are doing to me. Especially because I am doing nothing - I just scream out of pain and often anger and I am doing what my entire heart and feelings are telling me to do, telling me: You must do. Sometimes I feel happy and sometimes I sit here in front of the pc and I am crying. My entire thoughts are about to work more on this, you have to do more, how I can touching people and what else I must do to make people understand, why why why and and and ......
I am on my way, not lined by the trees of memory but lined by memories, the fought against all kind of ignorance, against the silence, lined by friends, by people who start to believe in me, by people who support me and of course by people who gives a shit and those who thinks they can decide what´s good for their people and those who are writing me their terrible stories and often it sounds like it is the first time, it is told. And those people who wrote me how much they are touched about Toms Song Soul of Ice and many who shared the entire story again and again with their own words, are make me feeling right and showing me, that there is so much out there, which is worth to live, to fight, to beware, to lighten up and for me to walk and plant. So much more than all the ingnorance and silence many of the writers are dealing with. Out there are people, too many who are asking: how can it be and how this can happen?
So, what will be the answer from each of us we will give, if asked one time "why" ? My answer as a result of everything what happend will be: because it is time to make a difference, life tought me that. Nobody should wait until he will be tought .... Thanks to everyone who was getting in touch in the past months. You give me the hope and the strength i need for and helping me with putting my feet step on step on the Footpath of Life. Keep on making a difference. Your light, your thoughts, your strenght and your compassion will have an impact on those who turned away, don´t give up - it will make your life to a better place and it will keep you being a warm hearted person. Your love, your smile and your strenght ...will be your weapon and the key to a colorful future - no matter how dark it is. Don´t let rule those your life who are vanish like their sound of the voices in the wind and start with them, who are there, who are acting instead of asking, who are sharing your story, your hopes, your thoughts and the things you are believe in, who are supporting you - because it has a reason why they are with you. These are the lights in the darkness and the fire which will keep you warm, not the sparks of faigned compassion. ... yes I know, not easy at all - it´s my daily war on my own battlefield of feelings. Some duels I win, some I loose - but your words, destinies, support and thoughts are the best weapon arsenals and way more important: the best support I ever could dream about - Keep on moving - Thank you very much!
September 26, 2016
You are not good enough to stay alive
Today I had a 3 hours interview which was very nice but also very intense and one question and one answer will keep me sort of fucked up, after saying it the first time so clear and after thinking the very first time about it. The question was what the Suicide of Jürgen did to me next to, that it was ripping my heart and my life into one million pieces?
...... the answer and this is something I will never feel different: ..... that my love, that all my promises not to leave him alone, my promises that I will always stand by his side, my proof how much i loved him, everything i did for him, all the help I organised, my smiles, my holding hands, my sharing his life, my giving up of myslef was not good enough and was in general not enough to make him believing that it is worth to stay alive ....... I pray every day, that this harm will taken away once in my life and maybe once in my life .... well whatever....... I know it was his desicion, it was his desease ..... but this is what people who left behind are going through: I was not good enough to keep somebody alive .... my brain thinks different, my heart feels this.
August 20, 2016
Howling raisins and noisy silence
Coming from the garden, I felt kind of strange and then a unimportant tv spot - something with raisins – knocked me out and I felt completely off track. Because suddenly I remembered about how Jürgen and I stood in a bakery and I wanted to have an apple pie and he - completely unexpectedly - loudly screamed: "Ugh, there are raisins in - that will not enter my house " and we, as all other in-store were laughing out loud – every single person.
And then I see him, his eyes, while laughing fired a firework of light flashes and how he is always absorbed in these moments, in our moments. And I realize how much I miss him. I feel painfully clear, how many times I wake up at 6:30 am and my hand touched into the void, because he is not on my side, and gives me a goodbye kiss. I stare at my mountain of dishes, standing around for days, because somehow, I do not find the strength to wash it. And then I see him in my memories, that there was not one discussion possible about doing it one day later. And I see us tears laughing while standing in front of the sink, because a very thin plastic part has laid over the drain and both of us incredulously staring us, burrowing with four hands in the water, notice that the drain is away and asking ourselves, how that can be and where it is gone?
I am still waiting every day for the SMS asking what we will cook for dinner and I miss the sms in the morning, that says, "Enjoy Work Knuddels".
I ride alone on my scooter through the area and there is no one who firmly embraced me from behind. In the evening I take my place in the empty bed, on my side and my ears are searching the familiar silent breathing and I register that there is no him-smell any more. I sit every day in front of a carelessly done piece of bread, because I do not like cooking any more – before I wrote cooking books. It feels unnecessary and is not fun anymore. Sunday morning is like every day and there are no lovingly designed plates on the table. If I have visitors I wonder: how can you throw all the food just like that on the table – don´t you have a sense for the beauty of food?
Suddenly even Bärbel Schäfer, a radio talk master, we heard every Sunday for breakfast, is missing. I alone never listen to a radio. I leave my bedroom and see that I made the bed in the same manner as Jürgen has always done it. Earlier I have never made my bed. I run through the supermarket and avoid certain products because we always had them in our fridge. Today the cold creeps out of the empty compartments and spreads, somehow in my life. I'm so glad certain things are no longer in my life - but why for this price? And then, I sit on my couch, trying to eat and I must cancel a skype phone talk, in the middle of it, because I can not speak any more and the question “what is wrong with you” break all barriers and I sit for hours crying on my couch. His absence creates a noisy silence, which feels often worse, because I feel the accusatory silence around my life, my body, my thoughts, my everything . Then what happens: I get a call from a friend who says: “ Mario it was time that I finally call you, but I do not know what to say” and as a consequence of that, I sit for hours, howling and crying, because it means so much for me, that finally somebody cares about the situation and me. And because a phone call, poor on words, brings so much emotion, expresses so much between the lines and it doesn´t need a lot of words to express: I care for you, don´t do stupid things, it´s not worth.
And that closes at the end a circle, because so many months is was trying to achieve Jürgen, to reach people who might could have helped him and now I'm trying to reach people again. And way to often I do not succeed, even in the inner circle of my friends. But sometime I do – thanks God. I'm trying to attach no importance to that, as I try, and often successfully, to tell myself again and again, that it was Jürgens disease, that led him doing this last step. That's true - but it was the silence that hermetically shielded him too, which he could not break through and wanted it so much. And this silence is since then, in and around of my life, a threatening and hostile space. Because I miss him, because he is so often lacking, because the silence of his absence triggered Footpath of Life.
And that is why I am writing this. It is important that people read sometimes what happens, when someone takes his own life to those, who are left behind. How incredibly strong you have to be to go on day by day. Many can´t and they give up too. What an incredible strength it costs to put everything, which is moving myself, in a project, that has taken the goal, to create for each who is mourning a small place, to fill the silence of the space with the beauty of life and the magic of love, so that it can be an ever-growing and colorful future.
Feel free to share this and sorry for my poor English.
August 10, 2016
Facing my deepest fear to discover freedom
Since I am out with the project many people asking:
Why you are doing this, next to the sad experiences you made after your loss?
Before nobody asked, I have to admit, that I was not thinking about this subject. But now, more and more hours I am spending with the subject “what else”. It is really an important question, as my shrink will ask me this too, later this afternoon. So it might be good to have an answer before he will lock myself away for “security reasons”. But I have answers….
One reason is my deepest fear and the most terrible picture I have from the situation, when my love decided to commit suicide: Being alone, doesn´t matter where, if I am close to death and passing away. Having nobody who holds my hand, nobody who will give me the strength to let go, nobody who will be sad, that I am leaving (well this is a good point, but I think you know what I mean. Nobody is there who shared the years with you, loving you…). Even while writing this, I have again pictures in my mind and I start feeling so terrible and of course guilty again. And the second pictures I see, showing me, somewhere in the wild, suffering from thirst and starvation, begging for help, begging the universe to send anybody. Maybe some of those who ended their life, wished in the last minutes that somebody will find them, turning their life into something better. Maybe he did too, maybe not L
Some might think, that such thoughts are crazy and useless. You are right, they are. But they are here. Maybe they are based on experiences I made in another life. Once, many years ago, I made a TV documentary about reincarnation theory and I did one session. It was very strange because it showed some situations I am still dealing with. Looked like I never found the key for a solution and have to go through it again and again. But anyway….. one picture and the last picture of this session was the moment of my death. I saw myself sitting in front of a fire, deep in a forest, bitten by a poison snake. That´s it …. And I have this fear for all my life: being alone when passing away. That I don´t have a own family, that I will never have children, who are taking care of me or that I don´t have a partner, who will share my life with me, is not helpful in this case or with this fear.
In the last months I was fighting against so many hard things, that I decided to make a better world – my better world – for me. I was facing a loss and feeling guilty, even with knowing I am not. I was facing the heartless behavior of so called friends, who remind in silence and not asking, if they can help or a simple “how are you”? I met a psycho pain structure, I had no idea it´s existing. I was asking myself every day: How to go on? Does anything make sense? Why it will be never again the way it has been. Will I ever be happy again? What can I do? And so on.
The answer for this was not Footpath of Life. But now after thinking about all those topics, because I am asked so often about, I believe that next to the task it was given to me, it is the answer to find peace and joy. But before I will find this, I must face my deepest fears, I must recognize that my will to survive, will be stronger than anything else. I think I need sort of a danger and a unknown future to feel life. To feel how beautiful life will be and to become aware that there is nothing I have to fear, because even death in the wilderness can be good – somehow. I need to believe in myself again and again and way stronger than in the past.
Somehow I am so sure, that all my depressions and all the symptoms I was suffering from the last 3 years, will be gone, if am on my path. And the decision and the coming out with Footpath of Life, already created a freedom I can´t describe. And it started with little details of my daily life: For twenty month? Why I should buy a new shirt? Why I should buy the dish washer? Why I should pay the gym? I will do what I can do best, even with not knowing – just guessing, what this can be. I am sure that this present life, made me sick – because it is, since a long time, not me anymore. The pressure to be what others expecting, the need of collaborating every second of my life and the fear of losing again somebody I love, are way too powerful and destroying me, everyday more.
But the fear is also the key for something great. Greater beyond the unknown freedom I will feel, while facing the fear and taking a decicion: Accepting whatever comes along as something different. Not good not bad, not right and wrong. But whatever comes, will change the the world – my world. So whatever I do, will change this world too. So I am ready to say yes to take the freedom and changing my perspective and to let come out – what I didn´t know so far about me.
August 09, 2016
I thought I could help
Even if I am so exited and in a working-day-and-night modus to finish the website www.footpath-of-life.com I still can´t shut down all the memories and those heart breaking feelings. Today is again one of those days I have so many of them. I see my love leaving me, walking down the stairs and the last what I said was: „Don´t do something stupid and give us the time to think about our future. I love you but we need a breath and let us talk on Monday if I am back. My fear about you is to big, if you are not willing to do a treatment. I need you, I love you but we can´t go on like this.“
This was Thursday morning before Eastern 2016, one hour later I left for work 3 days later the terror of the suicide i fear for more than 16 months, hit me with the most terrible energy i ever could imagine. One dead, one on the way to do the same.
But I am still alive. Why? Not because I wanted to, because my friends were with me day and night, for weeks. Because my therapists were talking to me, sometimes twice a day, for weeks. Because if I will kill myself too, I will be the third who is going and it will be the third time that so many people were fightig for somebody, who don´t or could´t, at the very end, care about. What would it do to the people who loves me?
What the suicide has done to me? Screeming, crying for days and nights. I can feel the thoughts of the brothers, sisters, the daughter and parents who are looking for someone they can blame. I feel their thoughts like wappons. „Why you left? Why you said you can´t go on like that? Why you have been so selfish? You are the devil. Why you never told us? And and and…… Each word I can feel and hear. Yes and sometimes I am asking myself too. Why?
The answer is simple: It was the last possibility for me to help. To make clear how bad the depression already is, to make a last time clear: You will end like your mother, who did two times a suicide try. Like your grandfather. You will end up like me once and you kick my ass, whenever I want to help you. You expecting me to be here for you. I am – since 16 month in terrible fear and the biggest love I ever felt in my life. You are killing me with your selfish behaviour. You are killing me with the blaming you do to me, instead bleaming your ex boyfriends who are responsible for all what happens. I have never done anything evil to you but you are not able to trust anybody any more. Hurting the one you love will protect yourself. This was your sick thinking. But I have seen what is deep in your heart. I have seen what is behind the pain oft he past. And I have seen the light of your laughing in the moments you were free, you felt good…… those less hours during 16 terrible dark months.
I loved you, and I still love you. I still miss every second with you – even if I hate you for doing something like that to me. You killed a part of me. You are such a selfish murderer of my happyness, my future, my belive into love and humans, my ability to open ever up again in my life, the ability and the wish to love again. You have taken everything away, you hurted me, your parents, your daughter, your brother and sister in a way you can´t imagine. Their death wishes they sent to me now every day are nothing compared what you did and I wished I could hurt you in a way you would scream for centuries. But I love you, I still do, I miss you, I need you, I don´t understand, I wish so much that at least you found peace, I forgive you – even if I can´t forgive you, even if I will never ever forgive myself. Why did I left, why I thought it will help you, if you will see that you possible loose me. Why? ….. why?
Soul on Ice
Soul on Ice - it is telling how I feel and what is the story before footpath of life - thanks to Tom OMalley to ask, if I will make a video for him.
Thanks that he followed my idea, my feelings and the production process right from the beginning. Now it can travel around the world, telling the story and hopefully inspire people to support the idea of footpath of life - www.footpath-of-life.com - so, if you know somebody in grief, tell him or her about the possibility...