March 2023: Start with Self-Control. It's a Life Skill!
March 2023: Start with Self-Control. It's a Life Skill!
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All this talk about strengthening my child's executive functioning skills, I just don't know where to begin.
The good news is that children learn time management, organization, planning, task initiation, and following routines by doing very simple activities like play. Playing house or school with friends/siblings, building with Legos or blocks, creating Domino tracks, drawing, writing a story, and playing tag all teach these important skills. Allowing children to actively participate in grocery shopping or household chores is also a great way to practice and strengthen these skills.
If you, as a caregiver, want to be pro-active about growing independence in your child, allow for free play, encourage family chores and focus on self-control.
When kids lack self control, they may show signs of aggressive behavior, significant fatigue, anxiety/worry, distractibility or being fidgety. They may choose risky behaviors because they don't think through their choices. They may suffer academically and/or socially.
Being clear with our expectations in a given situation and following through with natural consequences is important when children are learning self-control.
Self-Control is the ability to regulate and alter your responses to avoid undesirable behaviors and increase desirable ones. To do this, we need to have skills to recognize and manage our emotions and desires.
I feel angry. I desire to yell at someone.
I feel sad. I desire to eat a donut.
I feel silly. I desire to make fun of the classroom lesson with my friend.
Regulating emotion starts with recognition. We may notice a stress response like feeling hot, tight fists, butterflies in our belly. We pause and reflect. How is this situation making me feel? What action can I take to make my problem better? Or, what are my choices? Which is the best choice? Act.
Yes! We can learn self-control
Focus on these four areas to strengthen self-control.
Patience
Waiting/taking turns
Have a signal, so your child knows that you see/hear them, but that they need to be patient. Perhaps your child puts their hand on your arm to tell you that they need you're attention. You in turn put your hand on theirs to tell them that you see them and will be with them when you're available.
Perhaps you have a respectful hand signal that tells your child they need to wait, but that you know they need you.
Board games are a fun way to practice turn taking and patience.
Emotional regulation
Slowing your brain and body
Practice should start when you're already calm - make it routine to do a "mindful minute" at bedtime.
It's hard to regulate when you're already already upset. Practice pausing and breathing before you act during games or conversation. Before each move take a big slow breath or before you speak, take a big breath. This will get your body ready for a pause when you're feeling upset.
Think vs Say
Talk about what this means. Is what you're about to say, true? helpful? inspiring? necessary? kind? If the answer is NO, just think. If the answer is YES, say.
To practice this skill, you could make a rule during family time that before anyone speaks they count silently and slowly in their head until 5 to practice pausing before speaking.
Being okay with not getting your own way.
Together, with your child, create a plan for dealing with "no."
Perhaps the plan is to always say "okay." This is the pause.
Perhaps the plan is to take a deep breath before speaking or to walk away and think of a response. This too is a pause.
Self control is not just for kids. Think about how you regulate emotions. Do you think before you speak or act?
Modeling self-control for your children is a vital part of the teaching process. Verbalize what may typically be your internal self-talk. "I really want that donut, but I know I won't feel good if I eat it, so I think I'll have a cup of tea instead." Or, "Let me think a minute before I answer you."
Self Control is a life skill. People who have strong self-control are able to more easily follow multi-step directions, stay organized, are less impulsive with their words and behaviors, show an ability to do what is expected, are more able to avoid distractions and can focus on an activity for an extended period of time (even an unpleasant task).
Improving self-control has big payoffs including better health, relationships and success in school.
It takes strength to use self-control. Some activities use more energy and others use less. Desirable activities use less energy whereas, undesirable activities use more. Kids are usually their best selves outside of their homes. This is because they are putting a lot of energy into using self-control to regulate and to choose expected behaviors through the day. Using all of this energy can be exhausting. It's important to replenish with desirable activities that refill our buckets.
Finding a quiet activity to unwind, like swinging, reading, listening to music, playing an instrument, and napping, are all great ways to refill our buckets.
Participating in a cardio activity is also a great way to recharge.
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