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huh, the grapple gun that you used to get up here seems to be missing. If I wanted to spoil, I'd tell you who took it, but I want to leave that for when that becomes important. Instead, I'll let you know that its location follows essentially the same path as in homestuck. You look down and start to get scared.
You HATE heights. You can tolerate helicopters and airplanes and elevators to space, but when there's no guard rail, you feel infinitely more uncomfortable with the situation. You obsess over articles in the news and online about people falling off really tall buildings. You can't forget the monster who thought she was a bird, who tried to jump off the space elevator, totally ignoring all safety precautions and guards. You mean, down with the rules, but those particular rules were in place to stop people from setting a time bomb in their heart that explodes in 45 minutes. Granted, you'd probably die from asphyxiation way before reaching the ground, but your body will continue to fall, and your body would explode in ball of fire.
Same fundamental fear, this fear evokes. The fear of doom. Almost all your fears in life are connected to that. Falling is just setting a time bomb for yourself. And that doom just works against you, so hard. You hate yourself, each time you threaten your life. Yes, it gets a response out of people, but it also gets a response out of you. Every time you lie about death, you feel a little voice in your head telling you "piece of shit. You're a piece of shit. Fucking bitch. Don't threaten suicide. Fucking shit" and you feel bad about yourself because of it.
Ultimately you feel yourself needing you to be a good person. Thredit isn't helping, neither is YouPoop and all the other things you are addicted to. The only times you feel good are when you're with your friends and they're trying to get you to be better, do, better. Syb and Mew Mew especially want you to be better. On your 13th birthday, Syb tried to gift you the book "Being a good person: for dummies". Of course, it was played off as a joke, as a few months before, you were joking around about the "something something: for dummies" book series. But you felt something more than comedy from that book. You felt udder disgust for yourself and channeled that disgust onto Syb and that book. Of course, he didn't hold the grudge after you berated him, but you felt worse about it. If he held a grudge, it would give you reason for your own hate, but since he didn't hold a grudge, you just have unbridled hate and contention for someone, and it usually just sticks to you.
You don't want to die, especially not alone. But you worry that if you continue your trend of terror to tumultuous tenacities, you will not only die alone, but all the people who would mourn you, your mother, friends, and potential lover, will just not attend your funeral, or that you wouldn't even have a funeral, that your body would just be hacked up for firewood or surgery.
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