Mustard’s reign of condiment prominence needs to come to an end

Condiments have been around since the dawn of society. Teriyaki sauce was used by the Aztecs as a glue to be able to hold together and be able to build the great Aztec pyramids. Ketchup was a key factor in negotiations with Japan back in WWII. Mayonnaise was used by nasa to spread all over Saturn V, that ended up taking the first man to the moon, in order to keep it from melting when reentering the Earth’s atmosphere. All good condiments. However, hidden within all these man-made treasures, lies a vile, putrid, stomach turning “condiment”, that only people with the likes of Jeffrey Epstein would consume, and that is no other than mustard. Mustard is complete TRASH, mustard creates a gas that is DEADLY, it is also made by the Romans, and we all know how their empire ended up.

Mustard is a well known condiment that has been able to make it into the upper echelon of condiments. With mustard having this amount of “respect,” people seemed to be deluded by that fact into believing that it has a good taste; however, any reliable outlet of food critics would be able to tell you, without bias, the hard facts of mustard. A well-known food critic, penguinz0, made a breakdown video on dipping sauces and when he got to mustard, it couldn’t be any more obvious at how atrocious mustard is.

“I really committed to it.” says Charlie (penguinz0), as he takes a bite of chicken with mustard on it. A disgusted face appears on the food critic as it enters his mouth. “That was a lot worse than what in was expecting…I think I'm getting a f*****n heartburn”

A major food critic said these things after having some mustard on a chicken tender, he does preface the review by saying that he will try his best to be unbiased, and this being his reaction to mustard, being as unbiased as he can, is a huge suggestive of the realities of how mustard is comparable to other condiments in terms of enjoyment.

Another thing that mustard is also tied to being a war criminal. During WWI the ban on chemical warfare with gasses was not yet implemented therefore it was free game for countries to use it during WWI battles. Mustard gas is the gas that is created when you squeeze the bottle of mustard and nothing comes out except for air, it is known for damaging eyesight, skin, and the inside of your lungs when breathed in. It was one of the chemical weapons that Germany used when they had the upper hand against other countries during WWI. In one of the first uses in an actual battle, Germany released 88 tons of the gas and it resulted in 1069 casualties plus 69 deaths. If you, for whatever reason, want to use mustard for anything, but when you squeeze the bottle nothing but air comes out, you are putting your life at risk, and are subjecting yourself to German chemical warfare. This simple yet very hard to avoid problem is a crucial point as to why mustard should be put out of the selves permanently.

Mustard was thought to have been made in Ancient Egypt; however, it was actually the Romans who created this monstrosity. Although mustard was being used previously for medical purposes by Ancient Egypt and Greece, it was the Romans who started to use it in their food. Now the Roman empire at its prime was one of the biggest empires to exist and it had one of the first working republics and a very strong military. Another thing that the Roman empire is known for, is for its downfall. As the empire was continuously being attacked by barbarian tribes and kept on losing, Rmulus Augustulus was in his room eating a mustard and pork sandwich. He was unable to stop his empire from being destroyed and command them to avoid their ultimate demise, all for the mustard sandwich. Mustard was a key factor in the Romans not being able to put a stop to their destruction leading to the fall of an empire that dominated for a thousand years; it is foolish to tolerate such an item of destruction especially in a powerhouse of a nation like the United States. The U.S. is in harm's way by allowing mustard to be sold and present in the country, the demise of the best country is on the horizon if it is not permanently removed from all stores, restaurants, and any other places it can be obtained.

As any sane person reading this would agree, mustard is one of the condiments that should be branded as one of the worst chemicals in the entire history starting from the Big Bang. The FDA should issue a complete ban on it, and president Biden should make an executive order that makes it a crime, equal to that of domestic terrorism, to manufacture and distribute mustard in any shape or form.