HOME SCNERGY - Nowah: God’s Worst Contractor

It was a Monday, and Nowah, the 565th direct descendant of Noah, had already lost to his coffee machine, his Wi-Fi, and now, God Himself.

“Nowah,” God began, voice majestic and booming.

“Ugh, can we not, Lord?” Nowah grumbled, scrolling through his cracked phone.

“The HOA fined me again because my ‘lawn looks too apocalyptic,’ and my Wi-Fi’s down. Again.”

God cleared His throat. “The world’s a mess. Again. I need another ark. But this time, make it modern: eco-friendly, solar-powered, and Wi-Fi enabled, and add a VIP deck for influencers.”

Nowah blinked.

“Sure, Lord. Want me to throw in a gift shop and a gluten-free snack bar too?”

Month 1:

Nowah phoned in his first update. “Lord, minor hiccup. The city denied my building permit.

Apparently, ‘massive ark’ isn’t covered under maritime zoning laws.

The HOA’s threatening legal action too, something about ‘neighborhood aesthetics.”

God sighed. “Just... keep going.”

Month 2:

“Lord, disaster. Influencers are demanding VIP wristbands and ‘exclusive ark content rights.’ One of them even tried to trademark the flood. And the Wi-Fi installer ghosted me the second I asked about waterproof routers.”

God massaged His temples. “Focus. On. The. Ark, Nowah.”

Month 3:

“New problem, Lord. The labor union says I can’t use unlicensed carpenters. The licensed ones quoted me a price higher than the national debt.”

Also, Nowah had gone viral for all the wrong reasons.

“PETA’s suing me for ‘animal hoarding.’ Twitter thinks I’m trafficking exotic pets. And Home Depot’s out of sustainable wood. All they had left was IKEA particleboard. This ark’s going to sink faster than my credit score.”

God pinched the bridge of His omniscient nose. “Have you started construction?”

“The blueprints flunked inspection. The restrooms aren’t ADA-compliant, and the carpenters went on strike for ‘emotional hazard pay.’ Someone even spray-painted SeaWorld Reject on the hull. So, I’ve stopped construction... for the third time.”

Month 4:

“Lord, I’m trending again. Trolls are calling the ark a crypto scam. ‘Why solar panels but no specs?’ ‘Is the engine hybrid or gas-guzzling?’ And the LGBTQ+ community says my two-by-two animal plan is ‘offensively binary.’ They’re demanding inclusive pairings.”

God, deadpan: “Nowah. The flood’s in seven days.”

“Well, the environmental impact study takes ten. My sustainable wood shipment’s stuck in customs behind three crates of emotional support alpacas. Everyone thinks I’m launching ‘Apocalypse NFTs.’ My GoFundMe flopped.’”

God’s eye twitched. “And the animals?”

“Stuck in red tape. Customs flagged the peacocks for ‘suspicious feathers,’ the pandas need bamboo import permits, and the sloths... haven’t even made it to the loading dock yet.”

The Final Straw:

The morning of the flood, Nowah sat buried under enough paperwork to flood the Earth twice.

God appeared one last time. “Nowah... where’s the ark?”

Nowah gestured weakly toward the driveway, where a half-built canoe leaned against the garage.

“At this rate, Lord, we’ll drown in bureaucracy before the water even shows up."

"My wife’s threatening to legally change our last name to ‘Unrelated.’ Says I’m ‘embarrassing the family legacy!’ Also, I’m so stressed my hair’s growing whiter and longer faster by the hour. And outside? That picket line? Animal rights activists, climate activists, Flat Earthers, and the the chess club for some reason.”

A long silence. God exhaled deeply.

“Fine. I’ll cancel the flood. I’ll just post a vague TikTok apocalypse teaser. Gen Z listens to algorithms more than prophets anyway.”

Nowah perked up. “Thank you, Lord! Does this mean I can finally cut my hair?”

Then the Lord sighed.

And that’s why Noah’s Ark 2.0 was scrapped, and the apocalypse ended up as clickbait.

The TikTok got 14 million views.

The brand deal? Divine.

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