YOUR MONGOLOID

Tips for care and feeding

By Shane Koch

 

PART ONE: HISTORY OF THE MONGOLOID: A BRIEF OVERVIEW

Origin of the species

The origin of the common mongoloid was a hotly debated topic. They were once thought to have sprung fully formed from dung heaps and waste pits. Early alchemists theorized that these mysterious creatures were natural homunculi, hatched in swamps, extrapolating their theories from the false idea of abiogenesis, taught by Aristotle himself.

“From the dank and vile recesses of the filthy swamp, among the snakes and toads, these malformed abominations slither forth into the world of man. The hatchlings cling to their mother’s back like the offspring of the spider, as she slinks through the muck and the slime”. –Michael Paltournus (1542)

Alchemists thought that the building blocks of life were in such abundance in the wild that mongoloids simply began existing out of a vacuum. Hogwash, yes, but not at the time. The myth of the naturally occurring mongoloid held sway over the ‘scientific’ community for many centuries. When evolutionary theories began springing up in the popular consciousness, it was first suggested that Homo Mongoloidus was an evolutionary offshoot of Homo-Sapien. Though this idea is repugnant and laughable by today’s standards, this theory was commonly believed for several hundred years, until modern science finally answered the question once and for all.

“It is now evident, and incontrovertible, that the mongoloid is not an evolutionary ancestor of the human. The micro-biological, chemical, and para-anthropological experiments my team has performed over the last decade have finally yielded concrete results. Homo Mongoloidus is a mammal very much like a human, sharing many of the same traits and DNA, but it has most certainly reached the end of its evolutionary process chain. The mongoloid is frozen now in the amber of time, never to move past its genetic limitations, and unable to grow, mature, or change as a species, neither in a macro or micro-evolutionary sense.  We have been able to determine that the mongoloid is a dead-end genetic subset of the Homo Erectus Fetidus, or the ancient Block-Headed Swamp Ape, also known as The Alligator Monkey, or the Pleistocene Primate Platypus”. –Dr. Honan Davenport (1966 Journal of Evolutionary Microbiological Nomenclature)

So now we know that though the mongoloid looks human, can speak and follow simple directions, and can add value to society as a companion or a pet, it is not human, and should not be treated as such. It should be treated with care and respect, but never forget that the common mongoloid is, at heart, a dangerous wild animal.

EARLY HISTORY

The term mongoloid is derived from the ancient Sumerian word mong, which means ‘Devourer of Crops’. In Egypt they were known as the Pehft, or ‘River People’. The early mongoloid was a migratory species, and most early cultures encountered them. Packs of wild mongoloids roamed the world, feeding on crops or livestock, and they frequently clashed with the indigenous peoples of various lands. The mongoloid was the feared outsider, the suspicious thing, the thief, the child-snatcher, the rape-artist of ancient history. In many parts of the world they were hunted to near extinction. That, coupled with the murderous, incestuous, and generally unhealthy lifestyle of the mongoloid, kept their populations low. They soon learned that they could not coexist with the denizens of the civilized world, so they gradually started to keep to themselves, becoming reclusive and dangerous, achieving the status of living myths and legends in many cultures.

“Touchest thou not the unclean creature of the shadow, the eaters of the dead, the slayers of children, the defilers of the Sabbath, for they are not the children of God, and they know not his love or his grace.”–Job 21: 17

The Asian people had a particularly eventful shared history with the mongoloid. The early Asian people were one of the only civilizations that made a serious attempt to live in harmony with the mongoloid species. The Great Acceptance, as this open-armed approach to relations with the mongoloid was called, is now widely regarded as one of the most tragic mistakes ever committed in the history of humankind. All over Asia, the mongoloid was welcomed as an equal, allowed to own property and mingle with human Asian citizens. What followed were centuries of bloodshed, war, rape, and strife that caused a massive splintering of Asian society. The mongoloid gene overpowered the weaker Asian genetic code, and over the years, all Asian peoples began to exhibit physical similarities. The population attempted to avoid this genetic subjugation by breaking up their population, but it was too late. Now the Asian people bear the ancient and shameful physical scars of their foolish ancestors in the form of their slight frames, unruly hair, and almond-shaped eyes.

The Mongols, closest genetic heirs of the destructive mongoloid gene, continued to cause trouble and wage war on China for decades. The Great Wall of China was finally built to protect China from the Mongol hordes and to take full advantage of two of the mongoloid’s greatest inherent weaknesses: a complete inability to climb anything and a crushing fear of heights.

THE ENGLISH EXTINCTION AND THE EUROPEAN SURGE IN POPULARITY

The last mongoloid in England was beaten to death with a stick by King Robert the Second in the year 1345 near Havershire Moor. This act was preceded by the largest mongoloid hunt in the history of modern man. The Great Bludgeoning of 1344 lasted over a year, an action ordered by the king himself when it was decided that the mongoloid menace could no longer be borne by civilized man. Mongoloid packs scurried across the moors and through the forests, relentlessly pursued by soldiers and average citizens that were pressed into service. It is well-documented that a mongoloid, when cornered, will fight viciously. The Great Bludgeoning was no exception, and many humans were savagely ripped to pieces by the frightened mongoloids. Running battles lasted for days and sometimes weeks, stretching across the entire country. By the time the King was given the honor of killing the final enemy, thousands of humans and mongoloids were dead. Not one mongoloid has been allowed to enter the United Kingdom since that time, under penalty of death.

The French, however, had a different view of the mongoloid. The scores of ragged mongoloids that escaped across the English Channel, in addition to indigenous French examples, were promptly snapped up and turned into cheap labor. The poor creatures, reduced to slaves, were used as pack mules for hauling supplies for cathedrals, roads, and assorted chalets. The French also pioneered the idea of mongoloid as pet. The French upper class took to purchasing mongoloids from slave merchants and dressing them up in ‘fancy pants’ to be paraded around the streets of Paris as a status symbol. They developed the reward/beating system of training that still exists today, and they took the mongoloid into their homes. Eye gouging, face-ripping, and attempted rape were common among households that took on mongoloids as pets, but most instances of mongoloid ownership at that time were successful.

Unfortunately, the French also began another disturbing trend among purveyors and aficionados of the mongoloid. Because of the general human-like appearance of the mongoloid, and because the French were, well, French, they decided that it was acceptable to begin having sexual relationships with them. Not even the Chinese, who, before the French adopted a very generous attitude towards the mongoloid, would ever willingly couple with one of the animals. The Asian people were genetically poisoned by the mongoloid, but this was because of rape on massive scales, not from bestiality. The French, being French, did not have any moral qualms concerning these deplorable bestial activities. They should have, in hindsight.

“When exposed to an electric bug light, the common housefly explodes in a tiny wet cloud of filth that can drift through the air for up to ten or fifteen feet. The Great Bludgeoning of 1344, the carnage, the resulting bloodshed, spread mongoloid blood and bodily fluids across the face of England. The French, with their vile bestiality, mixed their already undeniably filthy race with the equally filthy mongoloid race. The merging of these two entities in immoral sexual congress resulted in a swirling miasma of genetic disease creation, causing some of the most virulent diseases known to man to bloom and come into being. The coupling of the French People with the mongoloid created not only syphilis, gonorrhea, HPV, cranial nerve disorders, various prion diseases, advanced acromegaly and adult onset dwarfism, but their union, taken with the massive spilling of mongoloid blood in England, and decades of the breeding of Asian peoples with compromised DNA all contributed to the creation of the Black Death itself, the Bubonic Plague”. –Dr. Gerald Sweeny (W.H.O. Journal of Disease Etymology, 2009)

The mongoloids of today are vaccinated and sterilized before they can be purchased as private pets, and statistically speaking, they are just as medically safe as your family dog, but the practice of Mongobestiality (as it is now known), is against the law in all parts of the world. Except France.

The mongoloid species labored on in Europe, maintained as work force and pet, and over the years they began to become tame and easier to control, with only the occasional outbreak of face-ripping or attempted rape. Wild mongoloids still roamed in the shadows in all parts of Europe (except England) and Asia, low in numbers, but high in ferocity and violence.

THE MONGOLOID IN AMERICA

 

The North American mongoloid population has always been low. It is not known how or when the mongoloid made its first appearance on the continent, but one thing is sure; they did not thrive. The Native American population made sure of that.

The Native American, unlike most peoples, reacted with almost instant violence and revulsion upon their first encounters with the mongoloids that slowly trickled up from Mexico and South America. This is counter to most beliefs and traditions held by Native Americans, who have been widely known to give strangers at least a chance before slaughtering them. The Indians who lived through those times also realized that there was something different about their unnaturally negative reaction to the mongoloid.

“My father’s great, great grandfather and his brothers met the Dirt Eaters on the plains. They hated the Dirt Eaters but they could not tell you why. Something in the wind told my grandfather to kill the Dirt Eaters, so he did. He and his brothers killed them all. They burned the bodies so that they would not poison the land or the water. The wind carried what was left of the Dirt Eaters away and they never came back, and I have never seen one. The wind still whispers to my people and tells them what they should do if they ever see a Dirt Eater”. –Pawnee War Chief Thunder Pony (1840-1842?)

Many different Indian nations have similar descriptions in their histories of these types of encounters with wild mongoloids. They also share the same mildly confused belief that their hatred of mongoloids is a natural and spiritual part of their existence. Science has never been able to explain the inherent hostility that Native Americans of all tribes feel towards mongoloids, so perhaps there is a ‘spiritual’ component. Whatever the cause, the effect is the same, as mongoloids are barred from Native American reservations and Indians won’t tolerate them in their presence.

THE MONGOLOID SLAVE TRADE

When Benjamin Franklin returned to the United States from France in 1785, fresh from his highly successful ambassadorial visit, he brought back with him three French mongoloid pets. One of the mongoloids, which came to be known as ‘Tricky Peter’ escaped and went on a rampage of rape and face-ripping until he was shot down in Lavender Creek, Maryland by riflemen. This incident put a black mark on the idea of mongoloid as pet in the United States for some time. Nevertheless, as the years progressed, a small number of mongoloids were included in the various cargoes of ships bound for the states.

 As the slave trade blossomed, an average of one European mongoloid for every three hundred African slaves existed in the United States. Most of the mongoloids were used for labor deemed too dangerous for the black slave, keeping their numbers low. Many slave owners, it seems, did not favor owning mongoloids, as ninety-eight percent of all mongoloids are Caucasian. This racial coincidence confused the southern slave owner and made them uncomfortable. In the north, abolitionists argued that it was wrong for one human being to own another, but debated whether or not mongoloids were even human at all. Though they campaigned for the freedom of the black man, no abolitionist ever argued seriously for the freedom of the mongoloid.

It should be noted that, much like the Native Americans, the African slaves feared and detested the mongoloid to the point of violence. Several ‘negro spirituals’, such as ‘Gwine to the Master’s Shed’ and ‘Lawd, Lawd, the Thing is on the Loose’ are fondly remembered among African-American historians, describing in some detail the relationship between slaves and mongoloids. Many accounts exist of slaves killing mongoloids in the dead of night.

The Civil War finally ended the notion of slavery for the black man, but the mongoloid, of course, was still thought of as a laborer and pet. Records are scarce, but it is estimated that fewer than five thousand mongoloids remained in the United States after the Civil War. It was determined that the mongoloid was not really suited for labor, as their faculties were too primitive for any sort of detail-oriented work, and their murderously mercurial mindset was often triggered by exhaustion and ill-treatment. The mongoloid then settled into the comfortable spot of exotic and cherished pet, and they have never seriously been used for any sort of labor since.

MODERN HISTORY

Since the Civil War, the mongoloid has kept a relatively low profile, existing in small numbers as pets for the more well-to-do or upper-class families that could afford them. Following are several of the very few incidents that thrust the mongoloid again into the spotlight of history and popular culture:

1860: Joey McAllister and The Snake is released, a penny dreadful that tells the true story, admittedly embellished, of Joseph Mortimer McAllister, a Pony Express rider who was attacked by a rogue mongoloid in Arizona.

1886: Belle Biscaynes, a wealthy admirer of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West, brings her mongoloid pet to a performance in Boston. The Indian performers travelling with the show kill the mongoloid on the spot, and Bill Cody is fined five hundred dollars by the authorities. Future exhibitions ban mongoloids.

1890: Crackers and The Kentucky Hound by Mark Twain is published in the New York Knee-Slapper Monthly. The short story is a humorous account of an epic fight between a mongoloid and a dog on the banks of the Mississippi River.

1902: In the months leading up to the infamous 1903 ‘Topsy Incident’, Thomas Edison travels the country electrocuting various dogs, cattle, and mongoloids to illustrate the dangers of Alternating Current. His demonstrations are unsuccessful, and AC becomes the standard.

1918: American GIs report several encounters with packs of wild mongoloids in France during World War I.

1927: The Mongoloid Stomp is popularized by Hershel Spears and His Illinois Quartet.

1945: The Nazis utilize mongoloids as human bombs against U.S. infantrymen on several occasions, most notably during the Battle of the Bulge.

1949: The first issue of The Weird World of Weir Wheeling is published. The comic book features a mongoloid nemesis for Wheeling named Torgo. Torgo is portrayed as an evil and cunning savage. In 1954, a short lived television series is produced, based on the comic. Asian-American actor Ken Takamuira plays the part of Torgo.

1966: Behavioral scientist John Marks attempts to refine and educate a mongoloid named Steven. Marks teaches Steven to read and write. Marks and Steven argue for mongoloid rights, a move which infuriates large segments of the American citizenry. Following is a poem that Steven wrote in 1967:

 

The ghost of the thing that people once thought was the Loch Ness Monster

 

The miracle streams

Dry as a bone

Hate things in teams

And seething alone

Years spent in wings

The waltz slowly turns

Denying these things

Until everything burns

When man has moved to from beyond, he will no longer reason with ghosts

The fantasy rules will be replaced

By the truths contained in his boasts

Connected in vision and wired for sound and filling in Loch Ness with gravel

For clicks, ticks and pops, and jelly-bump smiles

While the spirits begin to unravel

You know what it’s like to die from disease when the feeling is pumped to your brain

Voices that buzz like millions of bees

And you tell your TV that you’re sane

What’s in the pot at the black rainbow’s end that arches out into the void?

Where appendix-like hearts who don’t need the answers

Find they don’t even know they’re destroyed

The ghost of the thing that you thought but were wrong

Remembrances of childish dreams

Is what’s waiting for you at the end of that black

Where everything’s just as it seems

When your robot constructs you an outhouse in space and you see you an alien spirit

Remember the thing that you thought you forgot

And remember why men used to fear it

-Steven (SF Verse 1967)

1968: Steven rips John Marks’ face off and rapes Marks’ wife. Steven is euthanized by San Francisco Animal Control. Marks and his wife die from their injuries. Their story is dramatized in the play Green Scorpion by Elmore Patterson in 1969.

1978: The horror film Dark Night of the Mongoloid is released. The film is a critical failure but a financial success, and it spawned two sequels, Revenge of the Mongoloid and Eyes of the Mongoloid.

1984: My Little Mongo is the hottest children’s gift for Christmas. The doll becomes a much sought-after collectible.

1998: The metal band, Crushbucket, uses unregistered mongoloids in their horror-inspired stage show. The mongoloids in question were purchased illegally from an underground Mongo Mill in Drake, Georgia. Several of the mistreated and drug-abused mongoloids broke free and rampaged through the audience, killing nine people, including the lead singer of the band, Miles Hartwell. The remaining members of the band faced a variety of charges and the mill in question was located and shut down. Forty-seven mongoloids were euthanized by the state of Georgia.

And that brings us to today. The mongoloid has an interesting, if violent, history, but if treated well, it can be a rewarding and challenging addition to those families equipped to handle the needs of such an animal. This guide will give you the simple information you need to ensure that you become a proud owner of a mongoloid and not a statistic.

PART TWO: YOUR MONGOLOID

CHOOSING YOUR PET

The first consideration you must take into account when you decide to embark upon the path of mongoloid ownership is the correct place to buy one. The American Humane Society website has a comprehensive list of registered and licensed mongoloid breeders. Do not, under any circumstances, buy a mongoloid from a private citizen or an underground mill. These purchases are illegal, not to mention extremely dangerous.

A good breeder does a lot of the preliminary mongoloid rearing for you. Your average consumer does not want raise a mongoloid from birth. That’s why no breeder worth his salt would ever sell a mongoloid that is younger than five years of age. The breeder, in those five important years, begins the gentle yet firm training process that has come to be the standard over the years.

It needs to be said that though this guide is written with the mongoloid fan in mind, it is also important that everyone understands the dangers of mongoloid ownership. A mongoloid, if properly raised, is one of the most content and loving creatures on the face of the planet. If the mongoloid is treated with love and care, it will return those feelings a hundredfold. But the horror stories come from those unwary souls who purchase mongoloids from unaccredited, underground sources, or purchase them from private citizens who can no longer take care of them.

A mongoloid requires stability and compassionate patience, and is easily unnerved or frightened by change. If you uproot a mongoloid from its home and sell it to another family, that act alone could unbalance the mongoloid and cause it to react negatively-perhaps even violently. The history of mongoloid ownership is full of people getting raped or having their face ripped off by a mistreated, homesick, or illegally purchased and badly raised mongoloid. Do not break the law!

A good breeder will retain a clinical and physical detachment when raising their stock, not permitting the young mongoloid any prolonged contact that will result in bonding. Many breeders wear hoods when dealing with their stock, so that the young animals do not imprint on their faces. Keep this in mind when you choose a pet. Your mongoloid will imprint on you and indentify itself as part of your family unit. The breeders will do the preliminary job of breaking the mongoloid’s will, so the animal will automatically realize that it is the lowest rung on the social totem pole. This will ensure that the mongoloid will be grateful and happy for anything it gets and it will not struggle for a loftier position in its family group.

When you first encounter your mongoloid, it will be through a two-way mirror. You will not be able to physically interact with your mongoloid until you have decided to purchase it. Detailed behavioral and medical records, including photographs and video, will be available from the breeder to help you make your selection. You can observe the breeder’s stock in their pens; watch them in their natural environment. A healthy and shiny head of hair, clear, sparkling eyes, and smooth skin of a light and even pigmentation are the things to look for. The mongoloid should look interested or playful, engaged with its surroundings, lively and active, but not surly or shifty in any way, and certainly not twitchy or spastic.

Choosing a male or female mongoloid is of little importance, as they are both mentally similar in action and reaction to stimuli. Both are equally easy or difficult, depending on their upbringing. Keep in mind that when you purchase your mongoloid, it will not be allowed to leave with you until it is surgically spayed or neutered. This will not only keep them developmentally hampered physically, helping them retain a pleasing appearance, but it will also almost completely erase most violent or sexual urges, reducing the natural predilection of the mongoloid towards rape and mutilation.

After your mongoloid is fixed, you will be allowed to meet it. Keep in mind that yours will be the first human face that your mongoloid has ever seen. It will imprint upon you instantly as its parent and will hug you. You must then slap the mongoloid across the face as hard as you can. This is the most important part. If, after the slap, the mongoloid cries and hugs you again while it weeps, the imprinting has been successful and your mongoloid is tame and safe. If however, after the slap, your mongoloid retreats to a safe distance and gives you a menacing glare, you must immediately leave the room and the breeder will put the animal down. Then, unfortunately, you will have to go through the process again with another mongoloid.

After the mongoloid passes the slap test, you can take it home. The mongoloid will be frightened and will cling to you. Make sure to caress the mongoloid’s hair and soothe it with calm and reassuring words of love and encouragement. Put the mongoloid into its harness and leash apparatus. The mongoloid will have been trained by the breeder to accept and expect to be leashed and harnessed, and the process is pleasing and calming to the animal, as a properly trained mongoloid expects to be strapped down or restrained as a fact of its everyday life. Lead your mongoloid outside and secure it in the back seat of your car. It will want to be close to you, so it may begin to cry, but ignore it and take your mongoloid to its new home.

SHARING YOUR HOME WITH YOUR NEW PET

Your mongoloid must be considered part of your family unit. Before you step into the world of the mongoloid as pet, you must accept that responsibility. Your mongoloid should be treated as a member of your family-a carefully disciplined member, but a member nonetheless. It is superior to other pets in that it can function on a near-human level in many situations. You can teach it to use the toilet, to clean itself, use table manners, and you can even have conversations with it. Your mongoloid will be able to follow simple rules. But though your mongoloid is a member of the family, you must always take the proper steps for keeping it subservient, and make sure your mongoloid is always aware of its place. Following are some of the most common questions concerning the sharing of your home with your mongoloid:

Is an MCC really necessary? Yes. The Mongoloid Correction Collar (MCC) is an absolute necessity for any mongoloid owner and in most states is required by law. It can instantly deliver electric shocks of various intensities, as well as a large dose of sedative if the need arises.

Where will my mongoloid sleep? This is a matter of personal preference, but there are some facts for your consideration. In its younger years, you will want to let your mongoloid sleep in your bedroom, caged, of course, for safety reasons. Your mongoloid will whine and cry because it will want to sleep in the same bed with you, but this is not recommended, even with sedation. Mongoloids have been known to wander in the night, looking for food, and there is the possibility of escape. No, the regular nightly sedation and a mongoloid cage are the safe bets for your young pet. Eventually, as your mongoloid matures, it will be perfectly happy to have its own room, not far from yours. Just make sure to buy your mongoloid one of the many fine, specially made beds with the appropriate restraining apparatus and emergency sedation module. Do not, under any circumstance, distance your mongoloid from the family unit by chaining it up in a basement or a garage, for this kind of careless neglect will make your mongoloid angry and violent. If your mongoloid sleeps in a cage in your room, you must never, under any circumstances, engage in any sexual activity within the mongoloid’s view, or even within its range of senses.

Is my mongoloid safe around my other pets or children? Your mongoloid must be your only pet. Mongoloids will perceive any other pets as a threat. You may be able to keep your mongoloid from attacking your dog or cat through hard discipline, but the mongoloid will never accept the other animals and it will be a constant source of trouble and contention. This continuous thorn in your mongoloid’s side will make it unhappy, and that is something to avoid. The only pets that a mongoloid doesn’t mind are fish, and your pet will stare in rapt attention at your fish tank for hours. As for children, it is highly suggested that they be in their mid-to late teens before you purchase a mongoloid. The mongoloid will perceive older children as superiors, but it will see younger children as competitors.

How should my mongoloid experience the outdoors? It is safe to let your mongoloid run free in your backyard, providing you first take several factors into account. Your backyard should be completely fenced in. Your mongoloid should not be able to see over or through this fence, to avoid any neighborly mishaps. Also, the fence should be very sturdy, in case your mongoloid should ever decide to try to leave the yard. Any gates should be equally sturdy and should be kept securely locked at all times. Remember that mongoloids cannot climb, so you needn’t worry about any trees or structures on your property. Your yard should be landscaped in a way to provide constant supervision of your mongoloid, because of the hiding factor. A mongoloid outdoors will take to hiding in any dark spot it can find, which is a natural and instinctive reaction to nature that the mongoloid has yet to shed in its domesticity. Hiding with impunity will give your mongoloid a sense of power, and this must never be allowed. Any mongoloid that tries to hide must be punished with a harsh slap across the face or a mild electric shock from your MCC. If you walk your mongoloid, which is not recommended, keep in mind the strict leash and harness laws, and keep your finger on the sedation button on your MCC remote. It is usually a good idea to sedate your mongoloid for travel of any duration, and tranquilized and caged for commercial travel.

Is it safe to let my mongoloid use the family toilet or eat at the table? Your breeder will have fully vaccinated your mongoloid, so it is perfectly safe for your pet to share in all family activities. The breeder will have already potty trained your pet, so it will be fully able to safely use the family facilities. Just make sure to foster a routine of cleanliness and hygiene, and your mongoloid will take care of itself. It will know how to use the toilet and how to bathe itself, though supervision in the beginning is recommended. Your pet will also have some knowledge of table manners, but it’s always a good idea to keep your MCC remote handy where food is involved. Your bimonthly visit to the veterinarian will ensure that your mongoloid is clean, safe, and healthy for years to come.

Will my mongoloid become sexually dangerous? In the old days, incidents of rape, facial or genital mutilation, and perversity were common. Nowadays, the breeder’s spay and neuter programs, along with the strict veterinary schedule of anti-arousal and impotence-enhancing inoculations, will keep your mongoloid safe. As recommended above, your mongoloid should never be exposed to pornography, sexual situations of any sort, or any activities or media that might excite or arouse. It has been said that the mongoloid brain is always an inch away from rape or mutilation, but science has increased that distance dramatically. Vigilance, however, is the price that all mongoloid owners pay for a safe and harmless pet.

MONGOLOIDS AND MEDIA

Your mongoloid is perfectly capable of enjoying television, movies, music, or art. Keep in mind that, no matter the media, your mongoloid should never be exposed to imagery of a violent or sexual nature. Prolonged exposure to these sorts of images will make your mongoloid confused and dangerous. Media should be tailored as not to over-stimulate your mongoloid in any way.

The type of movies perfect for mongoloid consumption are children’s films, cartoons, or light science fiction or fantasy, always monitored for objectionable content. The same goes for television programs. Keep the entertainment at a child’s level. Films or programs that include themes of overcoming adversity, striving for freedom or equality, or escaping from captivity should be avoided. You should never use television as a babysitter for your mongoloid. Most owners don’t let their mongoloids watch television or movies at all, but it’s really a matter of personal choice.

Music is a much better medium for a mongoloid. Quiet or calming music, as well as light pop songs are perfect for the mongoloid. Easy listening or elevator music are also preferred. Do not expose your mongoloid to heavy metal music or any other kind of music which may stir the blood or cause excitement. Also, do not let your mongoloid listen to hymns or any kind of spiritual music.

Books are of little practical use to your mongoloid. If it shows interest in books at all, make sure to provide only children’s picture books.

Your mongoloid may show signs of artistic creativity. Feel free to provide your mongoloid with safe art supplies like finger paints or crayons, keeping away from anything sharp or caustic. Non-toxic modeling clay or other playtime substances are fine. Artistic expression should be encouraged, but if that expression takes a dark, supernatural, violent, or sexual turn, you should put a stop to it immediately and administer any punishments you feel are appropriate.

COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR MONGOLOID

It is a good idea to limit the practical education of the mongoloid. Your mongoloid does not need to know how to read or write, nor does it require any technical knowledge that exceeds its everyday household needs. Over time, however, your mongoloid will become slightly more intelligent. It may express views or opinions, may want to create artwork, or it may try to engage you in some sort of primitive conversation. This is a tricky situation. It’s fine to let your mongoloid express itself, but it must always be aware that its views or opinions are not important. The way to accomplish this is through a tender and loving regimen of marginalization. Do not ignore your mongoloid, for it is part of your family, and do not tease or make fun of you mongoloid’s views or opinions. Do not argue with it. Just mostly ignore what it says, or just placate it with some mildly encouraging, thinly-veiled patronization. The mental well-being of the mongoloid comes from its physical comfort and its feeling of contentment and safety, not from intellectual discourse. The pedantic and child-like observations of the mongoloid are mostly harmless, but the MCC can be used for any verbal attitude problems or dangerous viewpoints. However, if your mongoloid begins to expound in any way on the merits of mongoloid freedom or mongoloid rights, sedate it immediately and deliver it to a Mongoloid Reclamation Center for immediate processing. It’s unfortunate, but it’s the safe and legal thing to do.

SPIRITUALITY

Ignorance is bliss, so they say, and the sentiment certainly holds true for your mongoloid. Your pet should be kept as far away from religious or spiritual concerns as possible. The last thing you want is your mongoloid attempting to ponder the mysteries of life and the universe. Your mongoloid must never begin to believe that it has some spiritual significance, or that it is special or noteworthy on some cosmic scale, because it is not. Anything that might uplift your mongoloid spiritually or anything that might give it the idea that it has any supernaturally intrinsic value must be avoided. It’s hard, when you become enamored of your pet, but you must remember that this is an animal. It has no soul. If you are a church-going family, simply sedate and cage your mongoloid for the duration of your religious activities. If your mongoloid becomes spiritually aware, or if it begins to think of itself in supernatural terms, sedate it and deliver it to a Mongoloid Reclamation Center for processing.

BASIC COMMANDS IN TRAINING YOUR MONGOLOID

Your Mongoloid Correction Collar is the most valuable tool you have for training your mongoloid. Though your mongoloid has human characteristics, it is not human, and you must stay in absolute and complete control of your pet. The Reward/Beating system, or in our case, Reward/MCC Shock system, is the standard and easy way to control your mongoloid. Your breeder will have already begun training your pet with simple commands, but it is a good idea to reinforce those commands when you take custody of your mongoloid. When your pet does well, or it follows directions without shocking, then you can give it a treat, like a cookie or an apple. When your mongoloid is doing something it shouldn’t, simply give it a mild shock and follow the shock with the basic verbal command. Higher shock levels might be required for headstrong mongoloids. The ‘no’, ‘down’, and ‘heel’ commands are the most widespread taught by breeders, and these should be the starting foundation for your mongoloid training.

The training of a mongoloid is a continuous work in progress, and because of the ever-changing nature of the mongoloid, the training never really ends. This is what makes a mongoloid such a challenging pet, as existence with it is like a chess game every day. Your pet will constantly probe situations and push the envelopes of acceptable behavior. Your MCC remote should be with you at all times and you should always be ready to use it. This is not to say that the common mongoloid pet is not generally well-behaved, for it certainly is. But you have to keep an eye out for the small infractions that might one day turn into a full blown problem and nip them in the bud. The natural inclinations of the mongoloid shift towards ruination and failure, but you have the means at your disposal to see that nature does not take its course. The very life of your mongoloid rests in your hands, depending on whether or not you take the time necessary to give your mongoloid a solid foundation on which to build a happy and successful life. If you don’t put the time and effort into supervision and training, your mongoloid will pay the ultimate price, and you may as well.

NUTRITIONAL AND MEDICAL NEEDS

The nutritional needs of your mongoloid are very easy. They eat whatever you eat. All the different cuisine enjoyed by your family is also enjoyed by your pet. There are no special dietary concerns save for the size of the mongoloid’s portions. Obesity is a problem for tame mongoloids, so you must monitor how much food your pet eats, for they will eat as much as you give them. Luckily, the mongoloid is taste-insensitive, so they really have no preference for sweet treats, and they have no food aversions or allergies. They simply want to satisfy their hunger, and they have an iron stomach. There are a great number of mongoloids that are vegetarians, and that, along with exercise, is the means to keeping your mongoloid trim and fit.

Speaking of exercise, most mongoloids have immense reserves of energy which can be used to keep them fit and tire them out. Let loose in your backyard with safe play equipment, such as beach balls or balloons, the mongoloid will play and keep itself occupied until you tell it to stop. Mongoloids also love to play fetch or chase bubbles. Just make sure to keep playtime calm and try not to let your mongoloid become overly excited. A bouncing and happy sense of fun and wonder is what you are shooting for, not contact sports or competitive activities that might frustrate or anger your pet.

Medically speaking, most of your mongoloid’s special needs will be taken care of by the breeder or by your veterinarian. Your job as owner is to try and keep your mongoloid as accident-free as possible. Mongoloid-proofing your home is a must. Anything toxic or potentially harmful should be locked away in sturdy cabinets or placed high on shelves to exploit your pet’s inability to climb. Food should be kept secured and out of reach. Anything you don’t want your mongoloid to get into should be locked. Most importantly, any door leading to the outside, unless it leads to a secure play area, should be bolted tight and of sturdy construction. Windows should be made of safety glass or should be barred.

For playtime, your mongoloid should be dressed in durable clothing, and it should wear a safety helmet, along with elbow and kneepads. If your mongoloid is injured in any way, sedate it immediately and take it to your veterinarian. Do not, under any circumstances, attempt to administer first aid to your pet. Doing so is dangerous and against the law. Only your licensed vet is qualified to treat your mongoloid.

ON THE LOOSE!

If you believe your mongoloid has escaped, you have two immediate responsibilities. First, press the sedate button on your MCC remote. The range is five hundred feet, so you might get lucky. Secondly, call the local Mongoloid Emergency Unit. They are fully equipped to recover your escaped mongoloid. Unfortunately, if a mongoloid escapes, it must be put down. It’s the law. So do everything in your power to be a responsible pet owner and don’t let a tragic end befall a valued member of your family. The blame will fall squarely on your shoulders, and you will be responsible under the law to make any financial restitution for damages or deaths related to your escaped pet, including possible incarceration. Be mindful, and avoid this at all costs.

THE END

If you have done your job as a responsible pet owner, your mongoloid should live anywhere from ten to fifteen years. If it should develop a terminal illness, your veterinarian can painlessly put your pet down. If your mongoloid passes away at home, do not touch it, and call a Mongoloid Reclamation Center. They will send representatives to remove your mongoloid and process it safely. There have been cases of owners burying their deceased mongoloids, but this is highly illegal, not to mention ecologically dangerous to the soil and groundwater. Follow the law, for if you are found guilty of noncompliance, you will be legally barred from ever owning another mongoloid.

So you might ask, given the history and the dangers of the mongoloid, why would anyone ever want to own one?

It takes a special breed of pet-lover to take on one of these challenging and dangerous animals. Mongoloid owners are a tightly knit group, excited by the risk, worthy of the status, and the envy of more run-of-the-mill pet owners. Owning a thriving mongoloid and maintaining it until it natural death- this is an accomplishment, an achievement. You cannot find this kind of character, this pride, this kind of deserved self-satisfaction in a common dog owner. Owning a mongoloid is as close as someone can ever get to actually owning another human being, and it is simply the pet equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. There’s really nothing else that can compare.