Why I Hate Sports Fans

I enjoy watching football. I find the game play intelligent and full of nuances; tactical play against a strategic backdrop. American football is a good game. There are other games, however, that are simply retarded. These games are baseball.

Regardless of the actual sport, I've discovered that almost all fans are complete fucktards for the following reasons:

Taking Personal Responsibility for a Team's Success

How many times have you heard this: "We did it! We finally beat team XXXX!" No we didn't. We definitely didn't. Another team beat team XXXX. A second, different team beat team XXXX. Teams play sports. Professional teams play professional sports. You are not a member of a professional sports team. You are not involved. Fact.

There is nothing more annoying that a fan of one team taking personal credit for the accomplishments of another team. What if I did that with my favorite theoretical physicists? "We finally did it man! We fucking resolved quantum gravity with relativistic gravity! Go weak bosonic fields! Woot!"

Also, don't use possessives. That's so creepy sounding. "We've got Joe Crankmeister this year." Fuck, let him go. Give him back to your favorite sports team so that they might perform better. I'm sure he's an important part of their strategy.

If you use the pronoun "we" to describe your favorite sports team then you should be thrown into a giant blender set to liquefy.

Authoritatiely Stating what Team Management Should Do

Some sports fans consider this to be a useful exchange of ideas. This is tantamount to religion. You and your buddy sitting in a coffee shop saying: "The Red Sox won't let go of Johnny Assmunch, his fielding percentage is way too good," is a waste of oxygen and resonant air compression. You have stupid ideas and you have them for bad reasons. If you've ever said the words: "If I ran the Red Sox, we'd have a perfect season," then you need to stop taking, and concentrate on finishing the digestion of your brain stem.

No matter how many games you watch on TV, how many t-shirts you own, how many mugs, bats, gloves, commemorative plates, or signed pictures you own, you absolutely do not have any concept of "what is best for us." I use "us" here since sports fans will recognize "us" as their favorite sports team. Another fucking pronoun disaster.

Discussing the Failings of a Specific Moment

This usually happens with football fans. An offensive coordinator might decide to go for a running play while a single fan might disagree. This happens on every single play, ever, for every team, all the time. If you personally think they should've run the ball, but they threw, and it was intercepted, before you say anything, carefully consider the position the coordinator was in, identify with his situation, and if you still need to voice your dismay then jam and ice pick into your temple. That should shut you up.

Coaches, players, and everyone involved will make mistakes in judgment. Sometimes that don't make a mistake in judgment, and they still fucking do terrible. Get used to it. That how games work. Even with perfect strategy like: "only land on ladders" you still sometimes land on a really fucking long chute.

If you ever feel inclined to say these words to a coworker: "We were doing great until YYYY called that passing play. If I were running the team that wouldn't have happened," just go ahead and shove a garden rake up your ass and sit down. You are the worst type of human being.


God damn it. Shut up. Don't argue about sports. The word "sport" was invented so that people didn't have to use the word "game." You're, in fact, arguing about a game. That is what 8 year olds do when someone saying they didn't get tagged, but the little kid is pretty sure he tagged him.

Ranting, Improper Paragraph Breaks (or Lack Thereof), and Stories with Divergent Plots 

(this is a joke, for the record)

There's nothing wrong with being a sports fan.  People enjoy watching sports, and it's only natural for them to want to talk to other people about something that they enjoy.  Yes, most of the time this communication does take on the form of complaining, but that should be expected.  Sports give people something interesting to talk about.  Plus, sports are no less ridiculous than anything else that people enjoy doing.  Take an activity like playing Halo 3, pinball, knitting, theoretical physics, or bowling, for example.  Are you kidding me.  Bowling is fuckin' ridiculous.  Oh yeah, and then there's golf!  I shouldn't even waste brain cells thinking about something as idiotic as golf.  How can a game like this even exist in a just world.  How could God allow such a disgrace.  See, I just used golf to prove that god doesn't exist, and I wasn't even trying.  That's how bad golf is!  Plus, the last time I hit a golf ball, the head of the driver broke when I hit the ball.  It travelled about 200 ft. (the driver, that is).  The ball went backwards.  Yeah backwards.  WTF!  Fuckin' physics doesn't even work when you play golf!  Seriously, talk about a poorly designed game!  At least with baseball, which I consider infinitely better than golf, you develop practical, if not somewhat primative, skills.  If you're good at baseball, you know that you can hit something really hard with a stick, even if it's moving super fast!  Also, you can throw a small compact object really far.  When I was young, I played baseball.  I'll admit that I wasn't incredible, but I was still pretty good.  One of my fondest childhood memories was only possible because of baseball.  I was doing my paper route when I was 11 years old.  I had a little red wagon which I kept the newspapers in (I used a wagon because I could run faster with it than a bag over my shoulder).  I dropped off the paper at Cory and his brother's house, and they tried to steel my wagon.  They also threw snow balls at me, which made me upset.  Cory and his brother (who's name escapes me) were both friends with Josh Liberty who was a douchebag.  Therefore, they were douchebags by association, if not on purpose.  After the ambush, I was at the next door neighbor's house delivering the paper.  After I left the paper on the porch floor of Brian Miller's dwelling [I've got to assume that his first name was Brian, it was spelled "Brain" on the paper route card which I got from the previous paperboy, Jeff Richard, and I just assumed that Jeff had a spelling problem.  Certainly, the guy didn't seem abnormally smart to me.], I constructed the perfect ice ball.  Then, from about 200 ft. away, I launched the ice ball.  I threw it as hard and far as I could, and it hit Cory directly in the side of the head.  Cory didn't even consider the possibility that the head blow could have been brought forth by my vengeance due to my proximity, and as a result, an epic battle ensued between the two brothers.  I will always love baseball, if only for this memory alone. (credit given if requested)

One paragraph! WOOT! Also, Josh Liberty is a douche bag, and now he rakes his own lawn for a living.