How to Tell That a Movie is Bad
 

Every year about one hundred and fourteen thousand movies are released in theaters. The vast, vast... VAST majority of them are absolutely terrible. In any six month period, nor more than one good movie is ever released. This is a physical property of the universe.

To help the innocent avoid bad movies, I've completed the following guide. Adhere to it, and you'll never be stuck watching a bad movie again! I consider this an act in accordance with the Geneva Convention.

  1. Lifetime made-for-TV movies are always terrible. No exceptions. A Lifetime movies follow this plot:
    1. Girl is molested, beaten, or generally abused by a man in her childhood
    2. If she later has a boyfriend, he will dump her, abuse her, or die
    3. She will later get married to someone who will abuse her, divorce her, or die. If he dies, it will be from a disease, most likely. The woman will later contract this disease or meet another man who will get it.
    4. She will finally find happiness only once she reaches 65 and the AARP buys her free breakfast before 4AM.
  2. Any movie featuring, predominately, late model import cars will always be terrible. These movies don't even follow a plot, they follow a sine wave of action. Race... disaster... discussion... teamwork scene... race... disaster... discussion... teamwork scene. In defense of these movies, sometimes the teamwork scene is actually a montage.
  3. Movies starring Sandra Bullock are always terrible. I wish this weren't true. Really. In fact, it might not be true. But every movies starring Sandra Bullock should be avoided just in case its Miss Congeniality. No matter how sure you are that you have a Sandra Bullock movie that is NOT Miss Congeniality the risk is never justified.
  4. Movies where kissing is the principle plot device are always terrible. If you see an advertisement for a movie that features a kiss as a critical moment in the movie, then you know FOR A FACT it will be terrible. The writers of these movies see the entire piece of art as a build up for a kiss and then the following breakdown. If the kiss is in the middle, then they will be forcibly separated until the end. If the kiss is at the end, then the entire movie will build to that moment. This is not cinema.
  5. Horror movies are all terrible. The problem with horror movies is that they are inherently a failed endeavor. The goal of the horror movie is to scare the watcher. There are five types of horror movie failure.
    1. The first type of horror movie is the type that uses raw gore to shock the viewer. These are not movies. These are an abuse of special effects. People that enjoy these movies are often brain dead or worse. 
    2. The second type of horror movies are so ridiculously improbable that they only appeal to the pseudo-intellectual crowd. These movies usually showcase some sort of puzzle or test that random people must complete or die horribly. The Saw movies fall into this category. They are not thought-invoking, intelligent, or even slightly suspenseful. People enjoy these movies only because they can say: "Oh, well I wouldn't have looked in that box!" Of course you fucking wouldn't, the entire scenario is ridiculously impossible. It's not even enjoyable! If you watched Saw II and said: "Oh I bet [blank] is going to [blank] but the twist is that [blank] is really [blank]!!" Call the police because a rabid monkey is running lose and it just fucked your brain right out of your skull.
    3. The third type of horror movie is the old school "shocker." These movies use long tacks of quiet followed by sudden noise to frighten the audience. Being frightened is not the same as being scared. September 11th, 2001 was scary. A jar of pickles falling out of the refrigerator when you open it is frightening. If you like frightening movies then you're an idiot who likes when pickles fall out of the fridge.
    4. Zombie movies are terrible. This isn't actually always true. Zombie movies are sometimes action movies which can be good. They are never intellectually stimulating, however. No matter how contrived and technical the origin of a zombie sounds, it is never something that will make you go: "Oh... wow... I never fucking suspected a zombie could be created from..." No, fuck you. Zombies aren't real. There's no mechanism known by which a person can be alive after being dead. As for movies that treat zombies as mutated or diseased humans, well, that's a crap shoot. It's probably a bad movie with entertaining values but not really a horror movie. This is more like an action movie with a stupid twist.
    5. Science Fiction movies with a Horror twist are terrible. Sorry, no exceptions here. The way these movies are written are as follows:
      1. A vaguely substantiated scientific claim is extended beyond the realm of reason.
      2. Then a group of people, usually more than 4 but less than 9, is sent to explore, measure, record, or investigate evidence of this ridiculous claim ("You need to fly your ship within fourteen thousands kilometers of the wormhole").
      3. All sci-fi horror movies introduce the "evil" in the same way, as a worrisome series of seemingly unrelated events. At this point, the group will inevitably attribute the problem to the crap-science they're studying, a man in glasses or a hot chick will offer a shit-fucked explanation ("The gravimetric waves are modulating the transducer core... [pause]... we've just lost all of our communications").
      4. This is the point in the movie where he audience slaps its forehead and goes: "WHAT THE FUCKING DONKEY SHIT?" The group, usually after losing a member or two, decides they need to fight back against the scientific phenomenon. This usually means that a bunch of fucking morons run around trying to fight a black hole, a sun spot, or a some bullshit fucking fusion reactor prototype with shotguns.
      5. The movie ends when two, or fewer members of the group are left. There is an affirmation of their safety, and then an innuendo of their death. If no one is left, then the movie ends with a "flying camera" shot of the place where the horror took place usually in a desert research facility or a derelict space ship.
  6. Stupid comedy movies are terrible. I'm not sure why people have a hard time telling the bad ones from the good ones, but here's a rundown on bad comedy movies and what to look for.
    1. Racial jokes.
    2. Sports jokes.
    3. Slapstick comedy (i.e. a girl embarrassing herself by falling)
    4. Romantic comedy (OH GOD... OH FUCKING JESUS... SHIT!!! FUCK THIS SHIT IN THE NECK!!)
    5. Jennifer Lopez (See 4)
  7. Movies about natural disasters for the sake of the natural disaster are always terrible. This was the key difference between Armageddon and Deep Impact. Armageddon was shit in a washing machine, and Deep Impact was a thought-provoking look at the political, social, and technological ramifications of a possible Near Earth Object impact.

More to come. Don't watch shitty movies.